Twinkies Forever

No, this does not refer to the fact that Twinkies, the iconic snack from Hostess, never go bad because they’re made of petroleum, portland cement and sodium stearoyl forhellsakedonteatthatalate; while that may be true to a certain extent, this post refers to the fact that you can make your own, and enjoy flogging your adrenals and punching holes in your arteries whether or not Hostess sells its recipe to another company [1].

First, let us pause for a moment of silence.

You see, I know as well as anyone that stuff like this is death distilled, but hey, yolo [2], right? And there’s something about a hyperinsulinemia-inducing Twinkie buzz that Little Debbie could never match. So let’s hope that some of the brands survive, if nothing else for the sake of the Texas State Fair.

In the sad event that this is not the case, Chef Todd Wilbur has come up with what seems to be a pretty respectable Twinkie clone which he shared here.

First, the recipe:

TWINKIE CLONES

Cake:
Non-stick spray
4 egg whites
One 16-ounce box golden pound cake mix
2/3 cup water

Filling:
2 teaspoons very hot water
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 cups marshmallow creme (one 7-ounce jar)
1/2 cup shortening 1/3 cup powdered sugar 1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Preparation:

  • You will need a spice bottle, approximately the size of a Twinkie, ten 12-inch by 14-inch pieces of aluminum foil, a cake decorator or pastry bag and a chopstick. (Unless you want to drop $26.00 for a twinkie-shaped pan at some “Oh Mater, no more buttered scones for me I’m off to play the grand piano” high-end cookware outfit.)
  • Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
  • Fold each piece of aluminum foil in half twice. Wrap the folded foil around the spice bottle to create a mold. Leave the top of the mold open for pouring in the batter. Make 10 molds and arrange them on a cookie sheet or shallow pan. Grease the inside of each mold with non-stick spray.
  • Disregard the directions on the box of cake mix.
  • Instead, beat the egg whites until stiff. In a separate bowl combine cake mix with water and beat until thoroughly blended (about 2 minutes). Fold egg whites into the cake batter and slowly combine until completely mixed.
  • Pour the batter into the molds, filling each one about 3/4 of an inch. Bake 30 minutes, or until the cake is golden brown and a toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean.

Filling:

  • Combine salt with hot water in a small bowl and stir until dissolved. Let cool.
  • Combine the marshmallow creme, shortening, powdered sugar and vanilla in a medium bowl, then mix with electric mixer on high until fluffy.
  • Add the salt solution to the filling mixture and combine.
  • When the cakes are cooled, use a skewer or chopstick to make three holes in the bottom of each one. Move the stick around inside of each cake to create space for the filling.
  • Using a cake decorator or pastry bag, inject each cake with filling into all three holes.

Serves 10.

From “Top Secret Recipes” by Todd Wilbur.

Here’s an amusing video by Wilbur illustrating the process. Skip to 1:11 for the good stuff.

Yes, I’m going to try this.

The Old Wolf has spoken.


1 Hostess is claiming that they were forced out of business by unreasonable labor demands; that they had reached agreement with several unions, including Teamsters, the largest, but that it was the baker’s union who drove them into closure because they had no more to give. However, Frank Hurt, president of BCTGM, stated “Our members were aware that while the company was descending into bankruptcy and demanding deep concessions, the top ten executives of the company were rewarding themselves with lavish compensation increases, with the then CEO receiving a 300 percent increase.” Some specific figures reported by Gawker were:

  • Brian J. Driscoll, former CEO: approximately $750,000 to $2,550,000)
  • Unnamed executive: $500,000 to $900,000
  • Unnamed executive  $375,000 to $656,256

Driscoll was forced out by the Teamsters after that obscenity; raises like that when a company is proceeding with Chapter 11 fly in the face of common sense, unless you consider piracy to be subsumed under that head. Obscene executive pay has long been a subject for discussion in boardrooms and shareholder meetings – one example is an article from the Economist, reproduced on page 34 of this student manual entitled “The Rewards of Failure.”

There’s a lot of stuff out there on the Hostess closure. Do your own research, and draw your own conclusions.

2 You Only Live Once (things labeled with this acronym usually end up on YouTube with a title like “World’s Stupidest…” or “Massive Fail.”

2 responses to “Twinkies Forever

  1. It may interest you to know that my son Patrick and I once came into possession of enough Twinkies to fill the back seat of a Suburban—which is a story in itself. I brought so many to work that I forgot about a few of them. Six months later, I opened one. It had sort of gone rancid. So the myth of perpetually-preserved Twinkies is busted.

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