Another unscientific survey – the movie that made you laugh the hardest.

The question was posted in a Baby Boomer group on Facebook.There were over 1500 responses (not including sub-levels.) Here is my tabulation, for your watching pleasure.

I saw this Charlie Chaplin movie (Modern Times) in the theater with my mother around 1961. It was the first time I was literally rolling in the aisles.
The Top Ten – Click to reveal the winners, with number of votes. If you ask me, no surprises.

Blazing Saddles 175

You know… Morons.

Young Frankenstein 108

Ƥᶙƫƫᶖᶇ’ ǫᶇ ƫⱨᶒ Ɽᶖƫᶎ

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World 63
Airplane 53
Animal House 49
Caddyshack 39
Planes, Trains & Automobiles 38
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 34
Porky’s 33
The Birdcage 33

Here are the rest:

Note: Yes, I know there are a few duplications, such as “Anything Mel Brooks” and “Mel Brooks Anything” – but these are few,and I beg your indulgence.

My Cousin Vinny 29
The Jerk 22
Monty Python and the Holy Grail 21
What About Bob 20
Spaceballs 18
Anything Pink Panther 16
Home Alone 16
Uncle Buck 16
Up in Smoke 16
Arthur 14
Dumb and Dumber 14
Stripes 14
The Gods Must Be Crazy 14
Weekend at Bernie’s` 14
What’s Up Doc 12
Anything Mel Brooks 11
Smokey and The Bandit 11
Some Like it Hot 11
The Party 11
The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming 11
Tommy Boy 11
Coming to America 10
Multiplicity 10
Trading Places 10
Blues Brothers 9
The Great Outdoors 9
The Money Pit 9
Anything Monty Python 8
Money Pit 8
Mrs. Doubtfire 8
Fawlty Towers 7
Life of Brian 7
Princess Bride 7
Uptown Saturday Night 7
Arsenic and Old Lace 6
Beverly Hills Cop 6
Friday 6
Grumpy Old Men 6
No Time for Sergeants 6
Overboard 6
Something About Mary 6
The Black Knight 6
The Producers 6
White Chicks 6
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum 5
Anything Marx Brothers 5
Cat Ballou 5
Foul Play 5
Harlem Nights 5
History of the World Part 1 5
Liar Liar 5
Major League 5
Naked Gun 5
Raising Arizona 5
Ruthless People 5
Which Way is Up 5
American Pie 4
Anything Jerry Lewis 4
Anything Mr. Bean 4
Back to School 4
Beer league 4
Bridesmaids 4
Clue 4
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels 4
Galaxy Quest 4
Happy Gilmore 4
Harvey 4
MAS*H 4
Me, Myself and Irene 4
O Brother Where Art Thou 4
Revenge of the Nerds 4
The Big Lebowski 4
The Court Jester 4
The Great Race 4
The Meaning of Life 4
The Out of Towners 4
There’s Something about Mary 4
A Fish called Wanda 3
A Million Ways to Die in the West 3
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein 3
Ace Ventura 3
Anything Cheech and Chong 3
Baby’s day out 3
Best in Show 3
Bringing Up Baby 3
Dr Strangelove 3
Fast Times at Ridgemont High 3
Flying High 3
Good Morning Vietnam 3
Grandma‘s Boy 3
Hear no Evil, See no Evil 3
High Anxiety 3
Hollywood Knights 3
Joe Dirt 3
Major Payne 3
Mr. Mom 3
Murder By Death 3
My Fellow Americans 3
RV 3
Secondhand Lions 3
Ski Patrol 3
Stir Crazy 3
The Apple Dumpling Gang 3
The Long, Long Trailer 3
The Nutty Professor 3
The Odd Couple 3
Tootsie 3
Vacation 3
Yours, Mine, and Ours (Lucille Ball) 3
1941 2
A Day at the Races 2
All of Me 2
Anything Charlie Chaplin 2
Anything Chevy Chase 2
Auntie Mame 2
Bachelor Party 2
Bad Santa 2
Borat 2
Bowfinger 2
Cannonball Run 2
Captain Ron 2
Car wash 2
Christmas with the Kranks 2
Cool Runnings 2
Duck Soup 2
Easy Money 2
Escanaba in da Moonlight 2
Father Goose 2
Heat 2
Home Alone 2 2
Inner Space 2
Jumanji 2
Kentucky Fried Movie 2
Little Miss Sunshine 2
Mars Attacks 2
Midnight Run 2
Mouse Trap 2
Mr Hobbs Takes A Vacation 2
Muriel’s Wedding 2
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
Nacho Libre 2
Napoleon Dynamite 2
Office Space 2
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 2
Peewee’s Big Adventure 2
Rocket Man 2
Rustler’s Rhapsody 2
Shot in the Dark 2
Silver Streak 2
Sister Act 2
Slap Shot 2
So I Married an Axe Murderer 2
Soggy Bottom USA 2
Something’s Gotta Give 2
Sons of the Desert 2
Stepbrothers 2
Support Your Local Sheriff 2
The Cowboy Way 2
The Mask 2
The Naked Gun 2
The Son-In-Law 2
The Toy 2
Undercover Blues 2
Victor Victoria 2
When Harry Met Sally 2
Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2
40 Year Old Virgin
50 First Dates
A Christmas Story
A Comedy of Terrors
A Guide for the Married Man
A Hard Day’s Night
A League of Their Own
A Mighty Wind
A Shot In The Dark
A weekend at Bernie’s
After the Fox
Airplane 2
Alien
Almost Famous
An Inconvenient Truth
Animal house porkys
Any Trinity Movie
Anything Bob Hope
Anything Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis
Anything Don Knotts
Anything Laurel and Hardy
Anything Madea
Anything Mel Brooks
Anything Peter Sellers
Anything Richard Pryor
Anything The Three Stooges
Apple Dumpling Gang
Austin Powers
Back in Action
Bad Grandpa
Bad News Bears
BaseketBall
Bedazzled
Bedtime story
Beer Fest
Big
Big Business (1929)
Big Business (1988)
Black Sheep
Blackbeards Ghost
Blue Streak
Bruce Almighty
Burglar
Bustin’ Loose
Canadian Bacon
Cannibal: The Musical
Caveman
Chicken Run
Christmas in Connecticut
City Slickers
Clerks
Cold Turkey
Come September
Coneheads
Cotton comes to Harlem
Crocodile Dundee
Dan in Real Life
Day at the Races
Dazed and Confused
Death at a funeral
Death at a funeral (British Version)
Delirious
Desk Set
Django
Don’t Tell Her It’s Me
Down Periscope
Dream Team
Dutch
Edward Scissorhands
Elf
Employee of the Month
Envy
Eraserhead
Every Which Way But Loose
Father of the Bride
Fletch
Folks
Forrest Gump
Friday the 13th
From here to Eternity
George of the Jungle
Get Smart
Ghostbusters
Going South
Goonies
Groove Tube
Groundhog Day
Grumpier Old Men
Gus
Hall Pass
Hangover
Happy Texas
Head
Hellzapoppin
Hold that Ghost
Hollywood Shuffle
Hooper
Hot Fuzz
Hotshots
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
I’m Gonna Git You Sucka
Inner Space
Jaws
Joe’s Apartment
Johnny Dangerously
Jumping Jack Flash
Just Friends
Just Visiting
Kelly’s Heroes
Kingpin
Kingpin
Kung Pow
Law Abiding Citizen
Les Misérables
Lethal Weapons
Life Stinks
Little Man
Look Who’s Talking
Love Stinks
Love You to Death
Ma And Pa Kettle
Mask
McClintock
Meet the Parents
Midnight Run
Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday
Moving violations
Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
Mr. Mom
My Blue Heaven
My Favorite Year
My Name is Trinity
Night at the Roxbury
Night of the Living Dead
Night Shift
Norbit
Nothing to Lose
Notting Hill
Oh God You Devil
Old School
Operation Petticoat
Oscar
Our Relations
Our town
Out of Towners
Over the Hedge
Paint Your Wagon
Paper Moon
Paulie
Pillow Talk
Play it again Sam
Police Academy
Pootie Tang
Private Benjamin
Private Eyes
Pure Luck
Rat Race
Red
Rings Star in Caveman
Road Trip
Robin Hood (Disney)
Robin Hood Men in Tights
Rock and Roll High School
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Sailor Beware
Sand Lot
Scared Stiff
Scrooged
See No Evil Hear No Evil
Seems Like Old Time
Serial Mom
Shanghai Noon
Shrek
Silent Bob
Silver Streak
Son in law
Spies Like Us
Spinal Tap
Splash
Steele Magnolias
Strange Brew
Student Bodies
Summer of 42
Survivors
Talladega nights
Team America
The Life of Brian
The 5th Element
The Absentminded Professor
The Apartment
The Bank Dick
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Big Chill
The Boat that Rocked
The Caveman
The Devil In Miss Jones
The Full Monty
The Full Monty
The Funny Farm
The Ghost and Mr Chicken
The Ghost Breakers
The Godfather
The Golden Girls
The Hangover
The Happening
The Heat
The Hollywood Knights
The In-Laws
The Life of Brian
The Man Who Knew Too Little
The Man with 2 Brains
The millers
The Odd Couple
The Parent Trap
The President’s Analyst
The Shart
The Three Amigos
The Trouble With Angels
The Twelve Chairs
The Villain
This is Spinal Tap
This is the End
Three Men and a Baby
Three Studies
Throw Momma from the Train
Titanic
Tom Jones
Top Secret
Tucker and Dale vs Evil
Wag the dog
Waking Ned Devine
Walk Like a Man
Way Out West
We’re the Millers
Weird Science
Welcome Back Kotter
Where da White Women at
Where the Buffalo Roam
Who’s Harry Crumb
Wild Hogs
Year One
Yellowbeard
Yes Man

If anything, this list should provide an abundant supply of laughs for those who enjoy silliness. As always, Your Mileage May Vary, because taste cannot be argued, or even explained. You like what you like, and no one’s approval is required. Me, I’m not wild about gross stupidity (such as “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”) but hey, you do you.

The Old Wolf has Spoken.

Lemons

This meme has been around for a while. On September 19th, 2019, Twitter user @PetrichorCrown posted artwork of a cat tasting a lemon, causing their face to retract, with the caption “Am I a comic artist now?”.

From there, as things tend to do on the internet, the meme went wild. At “Know Your Meme,” it’s referred to as “Thour.” I thought I’d share a few examples – some of them are quite clever.

Millepede –> Pill Bug
Don’t know this character
This is my reaction as well.
An early entry
Eevee gets in on the action
An especially clever entry
I am woefully behind the times on pop culture. A hazard of growing older.
Greyhounds are funny animals anyway.
Should I know who this is?
This one is very old school. By the way, did you pay for it?
Now we’re getting into the realm of the bizarre.
And more meta still
Play the reverse card and you get…
This creature must have super powers
But not everyone has the same reaction to lemons.
This one is extraordinarily dark – click to reveal the image

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Bad Business Decisions: True or Urban Legend?

A number of lists of these great “quotes” have been circulating ever since the days of fax machines, even before “forwards from Grandma.” They’re funny and great to read, but is there any truth to any of them? Let’s explore.

The most famous one that I know of has been thoroughly debunked:

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates

An analysis at Quote Investigator ended with “Since Gates has denied the quotation and the evidence is not compelling I would not attribute it to him at this time. Thanks for this difficult interesting question.

During the early days of computing, programs were often written in Assembly Language, producing very tight code that could run in minimal spaces. The original Wang v.2 word processor was designed to run on workstations with 32K of memory, even though later workstations had a standard 64K.

Wang OIS 64K Workstation

If you want apocrypha, here’s a good one. This story was told to me by a Wang Laboratories internal employee, and I can’t verify its authenticity, but having worked with Wang software and hardware for around 10 years back in the ’80s and ’90s, I would be willing to bet a steak dinner that it is true.

The Wang Word Processor, version 2, was – as mentioned above – written in Assembly language. The source code was kept on these 300MB swappable disk packs which at the time were very convenient for changing storage media.

300 MB Disk Pack
Disk Drive for use with removable packs

As the tale goes, somehow an entire rack of those disk packs got knocked over, destroying both the source code (in Assembly Language) and the backups for that impressively small and fast piece of software. It was for this reason that WP+, the next generation word processor from Wang, was entirely re-written in a slower, larger, higher level language. It emulated many features of the original and added others, but it was cumbersome and inelegant by comparison. Again, I can’t verify this 100%, but it came to me from what I consider a reliable source.

Western Union’s opinion of the telephone

Facsimile Telegram

This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — Purported Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Telegrams were pretty much the way to get a message from one place to another rapidly. Prior to the development of the electric telegraph system designed by Samuel Morse, optical telegraphy which used visual signals seen at a distance was one of the earliest methods of long-distance communication.

Wikipedia reports that “The smoke signal is one of the oldest forms of long-distance communication. It is a form of visual communication used over a long distance. In general smoke signals are used to transmit news, signal danger, or to gather people to a common area.” The use of smoke signals by the indigenous peoples of North America are probably the most familiar to Americans thanks to the popularization of western history in published and broadcast media.

Frederic S. Remington (1861-1909); The Smoke Signal; 1905; Oil on canvas; Amon Carter Museum of American Art, Fort Worth, Texas; 1961.250

This method of communication has been the basis for much humor as well:

Charles Addams, The New Yorker
Lucky Luke – “La Diligence” (Dargaud, 1968 series) #32 by Morris and Goscinny

The joke here is that a single puff of smoke or one beat of a drum can communicate large quantities of information, which of course is not the case.

One of the most stirring cinematographic representations of optical telegraphy can be found in Peter Jackson’s version of J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Two Towers,” where the beacons of Gondor – signal fires strategically placed on mountaintops – played a crucial role in summoning Rohan’s forces to help Gondor. 

The Beacons of Gondor

Once electricity came on the scene, the electrical telegraph, augmented by Morse Code, became the dominant method of rapid long-distance communication, and was the underpinning of the telegram system for which Western Union became so famous.

Telegrams – about which I have written elsewhere – were used for everything where information had to be transmitted rapidly, from business meetings, to military applications, to notifications of death, to congratulations on Broadway, and countless other uses.

Telegram sent to my mother from ANTA (American National Theater and Academy) wishing her good luck in “For Heaven’s Sake, Mother” on November 16, 1948. Sadly, the play only ran for four days.

So when the telephone made its debut on the world stage, Western Union supposedly turned up its nose and sniffed loftily that it was not anything worthy of consideration. While the invention of the telephone, followed by the modern Internet and the proliferation of smartphones, ultimately doomed the telegram to the vaults of history, at the time concern about the new technology was real. The supposed internal memo at Western Union, however, was not. A lovely article at Wondermark discusses the origins of this urban legend in great detail and is worth the read if such things interest you.

Be aware, however, that even the telegraph itself was met with skepticism by shortsighted individuals:

“I watched his face (Samuel F.B. Morse) closely to see if he was not deranged, and was assured by other Senators as we left the room that they had no confidence in it either.”

-Senator Oliver Smith of indiana, 1842, after witnessing a first demonstration of the telegraph

The Radio

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

David Sarnoff was an early pioneer in the promotion of wireless radio as a new technology. I asked Perplexity about the supposed response from investors, and it had this to say:

In summary, although the quote closely reflects real skepticism Sarnoff faced, there is no documented evidence that an investor sent this precise message to him—the wording appears to be apocryphal or retrospective, encapsulating broader contemporary attitudes

Obviously, “fear of the new, from those with a vested interest in the old” (from the Wondermark article linked above) didn’t keep the radio from becoming immensely popular.

The March of Technology

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” attributed to Popular Mechanics from 1949

This is a true quote, but is often quoted out of context, unlike the quote in the image above. Popular Mechanics was making a forecast based on the technology of that time, suggesting computers could shrink significantly but still be very large by modern standards. This reflected an era when computers were massive and used vacuum tubes. The prediction was reasonable then but didn’t foresee transistor and integrated circuit breakthroughs that led to much smaller, lighter computers. You don’t know what you don’t know.

More about Computers

Once more, this quote is a misinterpretation; a very good background is found here. The short explanation is:

From a question on the history of IBM on their website, “Did Thomas Watson say in the 1950s that he foresaw a market potential for only five electronic computers?” IBM offers the following explanation:

We believe the statement that you attribute to Thomas Watson is a misunderstanding of remarks made at IBM’s annual stockholders meeting on April 28, 1953. In referring specifically and only to the IBM 701 Electronic Data Processing Machine — which had been introduced the year before as the company’s first production computer designed for scientific calculations — Thomas Watson, Jr., told stockholders that “IBM had developed a paper plan for such a machine and took this paper plan across the country to some 20 concerns that we thought could use such a machine. I would like to tell you that the machine rents for between $12,000 and $18,000 a month, so it was not the type of thing that could be sold from place to place. But, as a result of our trip, on which we expected to get orders for five machines, we came home with orders for 18.”

You don’t know what you don’t know

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”

 -The Editor in Charge of Business Books for Prentice Hall, 1957

“But what … is it good for?

 -Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” 

-Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

The three quotes above are not examples of obtuseness or stupidity, but rather the inability to predict the incredible rush of innovation that the computer industry would experience. I have written about the incredible shrinking data storage elsewhere, and even that article is now outdated; SanDisk has introduced a 4TB MicroSD card, whether or not something of this nature is even needed.

There’s nothing new under the sun

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”

–Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

This archived article written by Dennis Crouch explores the legend, and decides that the quote was based on a joke published in Punch in 1899:

Silence Please

According to Quote Investigator, Warner probably said this but more confirmation would be useful. The linked article provides some interesting background about resistence to the inclusion of sound and voice in films, which up until that time were entirely silent.

There are many more “boneheaded quotes” out there, but the above dive into some of the most famous is an indication that each one deserves to be investigated for accuracy before spreading them around as 100% accurate.

As Abraham Lincoln famously said:

The Old Wolf has spoken.

The Bad Fortune Restaurant

… and how it feels in America, right now.

Recently a cousin of mine posted this on Facebook:

Image of a fortune cookie with a bad fortune inside it.

This put me in mind of something I once saw years and years ago, and have never again been able to find. On June 8, 2007, artist Norm Feuti published this strip on his now – tragically – ended webcomic, “Retail:”

Cooper and Val, from Norm Feuti's comic strip "Retail." Cooper is complaining that his Chinese take-out order didn't contain a fortune cookie.

I only discovered this wonderful webcomic a few years before its end, but thanks to Feuti’s preserving the entire run, I was able to go back and peruse the entire archive. In 2021 I commented:

At some point I read about a Chinese restaurant – it may have been in Canada – that drew customers by having fortune cookies with awful fortunes. The two I remember were “Dental work will be done poorly, and you will have to go back,” and “Your fetish for rubber underwear will cause you great embarrassment in public.” I would pay to eat at a place like that, but I guess the schtick was only effective for a while.

What a hoot. I wish the Internet could remember the original article I saw, and provide information about where that place was. But my opinion remains the same – I would drive miles to eat at a restaurant like that, just for the gallows humor. “Circling the drain” is an insufficient metaphor for what is happening in America right now – we’re already past the P-trap and halfway to the sewage treatment plant. In addition to the “Hands Off” protests of April 5, 2025 and more planned demonstrations on April 19th, and writing and calling representatives in Congress, sometimes a good dose of dark humor helps to ease the pain of a nation’s Democracy going up in flames.

While the restaurant I mentioned – and it was a real thing, because otherwise where would I have learned of these “bad fortune cookies” – is no more, you can get some evil fortunes of your own over at FAL.net, and some New Year’s-themed (for 1998) versions here.

  • This year, people will stop judging you by your appearance and dislike you for who you are on the inside.
  • You will be reminded of your historic visit to the Oval Office by painful rug burns.
  • Your long time skin problems will be corrected by an ordinary cheese grater.
  • Success will never change you. You’ll always be a bastard.

These are so great. But all kidding aside, it is my sincere hope and prayer that somehow, enough people can rise up to throw off the yoke of hateful ChristoFascist autocracy that Donald Trump, Elon Musk, MAGA, the Heritage Foundation, and the Freedom Caucus in Congress is imposing upon our government, for the exclusive benefit of the “broligarchs” – the white, wealthy, Protestant, male, cisgendered minority who want to control our nation with an iron fist for their own enrichment, keeping Liberals, people of color, the LGBTQIA+ community, immigrants, Jews, and other “undesirables” in their “proper place:”

Apologies to the Harry Potter franchise

Our nation deserves better. Its citizens deserve better. We must absolutely keep fighting, because as someone (attributed to Ben Franklin, but probably not) observed, “We must hang together, or we will assuredly all hang separately.”

To end on a less grim note, a thought from Kate Allan (@thelatestkate):

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Happy Pie Day!

i 8 sum apple Pi

It’s March 14, the day on which we celebrate pie and pi, the magical number reduced to its simplest form as 3.14.

“Apple pie. Green apples sliced thin. Lard, flour, salt, water to bind. Sugar, cinnamon, a dab of butter. Three slashes on the crust, one for steam and two because your momma did it that way.”

Jebediah Nightlinger, “The Cowboys”

Classic Apple Pie

My wife makes a killer deep-dish apple pie. I have never tasted better.

Pie comes in all shapes and sizes. Whoopie Pies are a Maine specialty.

Pie Chart

And who doesn’t love pie?

Everyone loves pie.¹ (Artwork by Paul Taylor, Wapsi Square)

But it is possible to have too much. (Art by Charles Addams)

Then it’s best to decline the offer.
Do you want to have a piece of pie? I better not, thank you.²

They’ve been making pie the same way out in the country for centuries. (Art by B. Kliban)

Except for Pumpkin Pie. They have a special way of getting that one.

Sadly, pie was not always universally valued.

But these day folks get pretty enthusiastic about pie. (Weebl and Bob Art by Jonti Picking)

And just so you can make your own, here’s a recipe for apple pie from scratch. Don’t forget to invent the universe.

Happy Pie day to one and all!

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Footnotes

¹ If you’re one of those poor unfortunates who doesn’t like pie, you have my sympathy.

² U one-half P sub Pi? i beta-nought, TanQ.

Humor: The Purpose of Tools

Tools and their Purposes

Source: Unknown. Collected via Internet or email in 2004

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays  is used as a kind of divining rod to locate really expensive parts not  far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of  cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well  on boxes containing seats and jackets

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in  their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for  drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes  to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable  motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more  dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is  available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the  palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various  flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the  grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and  motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2  socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching  flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the  chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that  freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere  under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint  whorls and hard earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to  say, “Ouc….”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after  you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack  handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward  off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another  hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for  spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes  and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile  strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to  disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool  that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end  without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric  acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining  that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you suspected.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a  drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,”  which is not otherwise found under a car or motorcycle at night.  Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light  bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used  during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often  dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style  paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,  as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a  coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into  compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench  that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in  Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or  bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Games People Play at 3 in the morning (otherwise known as Numberwang!)

First, a little backstory:

Numberwang! A bit of silliness from the BBC show That Mitchell and Webb Look.

As you can see from watching this little clip, there’s no rhyme or reason at all to any of it, which makes it all the more fun.

We have a clock from Brookstone (I’ve had it for literally ages) that projects the time and outside temperature on the ceiling when it’s dark, and also functions as a barometer.

Unordered Strait: Numberwang!

At first glance, this looks completely random – but notice that it uses all the numbers from 1 to 6 – what I call an unordered strait. And that’s Numberwang! Points if you see it and call it out and wake up your partner. More points if you can get a picture of it (because, naturally, pix or it didn’t happen).

Random numbers don’t count for anything, but the minutes tick off, and the temperature typically drops .1 or .2 degrees at a time as the night goes on, so depending on the season of the year, all sorts of combinations are possible.

In my own schema, some configurations are worth more than others:

That’s a match. Numberwang!

As you lie there at night with the hamsters running on the wheels in your head, as you remember all the embarrassing things that happened to you in eighth grade, you can often spot one of these coming up. Of course, if there’s five minutes to go before Numberwang! it’s entirely possible that the temperature will move by a tenth or two, and then you’ve lost until the next combination comes around.

Numberwang!
Numberwang!
Numberwang!
Numberwang!
Numberwang!
Numberwang!

Matches are good, and I’ve seen a lot more than I’ve been able to capture. They’re pretty high on the list of scores. But there are some others that are fun to find as well.

This is what I call a “jagged strait.” (This one is simulated)

When the numbers run in sequence, but sort of zig-zag up and down.

Palindromes are fun to catch.
Numberwang!

But the ones that are the hardest of all are what I call the bonanzas. I’ve only caught two of them in 11 years, and you can imagine why they are so difficult – the confluence is very rare, and you have to be awake at just the right time.

Bonanza 3’s
Bonanza 4’s

Strangely enough, I caught these two within a week of each other, after playing this silly game for about 5 years. And I haven’t been able to get another one since.

Here are some of the ones I hope to get as time goes on (simulated images):

Bonanza 5’s

This one is hard for another reason – by the time the temperature gets into the 50’s at night, it’s going to be too light in the morning or the night to see the time on your ceiling unless you sleep in a very darkened room, which we don’t.

Bonanaza 1’s

This one is only going to happen in the winter, and it can also happen at 1:11 AM. Double your chances, but still difficult.

Bonanza 2’s.

Also cold!

Bonanza Null

Colder still! Nulls will only happen if you have your clock set to 24-hour time, which we don’t.

Ordered Strait – Numberwang!

This is a Winterwang, when it’s still dark at 5 AM – but have never yet been able to nail this one.

Numberwang also shows up in the wild – on grocery receipts and gas pumps, or car odometers. In fact, any time you happen to notice an interesting pattern in numbers anywhere, it’s Numberwang! and you can award yourself as many points as you want… before you rotate the board!

The Old Wolf has spoken.


Wang tax:

You want to do *what* to that duck?

Warning: NSFW Language

In an earlier post, I offered up an explanation (by smarter people than I) of how a sign in a Chinese hotel offered “smallpox” as an option for guests.

This one popped up in a feed somewhere today, and though I had seen it before I never took the time to find out how such an awful translation could have taken place.

In traditional Chinese, “乾爆鴨子” (gān bào yāzi) means dry fried duck, or duck cooked in very little oil which causes the skin to pop and crackle more than usual.

When written in simplified Chinese characters used in the People’s Republic of China, this becomes 干爆鸭子, pronounced the same way.

However, simplified Chinese often reduced more than one character in traditional writing to the same character, hence 干 (gān) means “to interfere, to concern,” 乾 (gān) means “dry” as in dried food, and 幹 (or 榦) (gàn) means “tree trunk, capable, to do.” In simplified characters, all of these are written 干, and there are many, many other meanings of gān or gàn as well.

The last character also means something entirely different, as in the phrase “I’d love to do him/her.”

For some odd reason, this last meaning was very popular with a poorly-designed automated translator:

“Notoriously, the 2002 edition of the widespread Jinshan Ciba Chinese-to-English dictionary for the Jinshan Kuaiyi translation software rendered every occurrence of 干 as “fuck”, resulting in a large number of signs with irritating English translations throughout China, often mistranslating 乾 (gān) “dried” as in 干果 “dried fruit” in supermarkets as “fuck the fruits” or similar.

(Wikipedia, “Radical 51”)

The software was later corrected, but the embarrassing results are still seen in many places, as China seems heavily dependent on machine translation.

Amazing to me is that companies don’t understand the importance of using professional translators when dealing with other countries, at least if they want to be taken seriously.

老狼說話了。

When lawyers get their comeuppance

Ain’t it a grand and glorious feeling?

by Briggs

I know some really good, decent, and ethical attorneys. At least two. But it’s always nice to experience that warm glow of Schadenfreude when you see the firm of Dewey, Cheetham,and Howe get a well-deserved comeuppance.

“Following [Mad] magazine’s parody of the film The Empire Strikes Back, a letter from George Lucas’s lawyers arrived in Mad’s offices demanding that the issue be recalled for infringement on copyrighted figures. The letter further demanded that the printing plates be destroyed, and that Lucasfilm must receive all revenue from the issue plus additional punitive damages. Unbeknownst to Lucas’ lawyers, Mad had received a letter weeks earlier from Lucas himself, expressing delight over the parody and calling artist Mort Drucker and writer Dick DeBartolo “the Leonardo da Vinci and George Bernard Shaw of comic satire.” Publisher Bill Gaines made a copy of Lucas’ letter, added the handwritten notation “Gee, your boss George liked it!” across the top, and mailed it to the lawyers. Said DeBartolo, “We never heard from them again.”

Wikipedia

When I learned of this, I was reminded of the “fangs-down” letter Gary Larson received about his “Doing a little more research with that Jane Goodall tramp?” cartoon. Turns out Ms. Goodall thought the cartoon was a crackup, and it was eventually published in National Geographic’s centennial edition. (Documented in Gary Larson’s The Pre-History of the Far Side.)

Gary Larson

Then there was Beasley Allen, a Montgomery-based law firm that filed a class-action lawsuit against Taco Bell alleging their taco filling did not meet the minimum USDA qualifications to be called “beef.” Beasely Allen later dropped the suit, pointing to “changes in marketing and product disclosure” by Taco Bell.

“Bullmeat,” said Taco Bell, and published the following full-page ad in USA Today:

Beasley Allen never apologized. But law firms are not known for that little social nicety.

Back in 2015 I had my own brush with infamy (and some satisfaction), when a legal firm in Washington, DC sent me a Cease and Desist letter for supposedly maligning the manufacturer of a worthless weight-loss product called “Pro Bio-Slim.” The gory details are still around as an earlier post in this blog; I pointed out all the flaws in the request and 5 years later have yet to receive any sort of follow-up from the attorneys in question.

Like I said, you can find good attorneys out there if you turn over enough rocks. Many are, in the words of Herman Melville,

“… one of those unambitious lawyers who never addresses a jury, or in any way draws down public applause; but in the cool tranquility of a snug retreat, do a snug business among rich men’s bonds and mortgages and title-deeds.”

Melville, Herman, “Bartleby the Scrivener,” 1856

I’m grateful for legal services rendered throughout my lifetime, all the while trying to avoid the necessessity. But because the world of law is largely a world of confrontation and hostilities, the profession seems to attract a surfeit of thermonuclear douchebags, and it’s always heart-warming to see one or a number of these (the collective noun is “a litigation of attorneys”)¹ get taken to the social cleaners.

The Old Wolf has spoken.


Footnotes:

¹ Not to be taken seriously. Some others are:

  • A descent of relatives
  • A windbag of politicians (I have my own, but it’s not suitable for a family-friendly blog
  • A groan of puns

And a list, comprehensive but not complete, of these fanciful collective nouns can be found here.

Blast from the Past: I’m resigning from adulthood.

This lovely bit of forwarded whimsy reached my inbox in 1999, but I suspect it was written earlier and probably passed around by fax machine. I have been unable to identify the original author; if anyone can identify the writer, I will happily add correct attribution. But in today’s climate of political and pandemic upheaval, I thought this was worth sharing again.


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.  I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.  I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.  I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill cause it’s prettier and weighs more.  I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn’t know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.

I want to think the world is fair.  I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.  I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,

illness, and the loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo‑boo go away, making angels in the snow and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.

So…..here’s my checkbook and my car‑keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my 401K statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and

mortgage, my e‑mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this with me further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause…

“Tag!”… “You’re it!”


No, I wouldn’t trade my experiences of a lifetime for anything, but it would be nice to be free from some of the stress and hassles of daily life. By the way, if you’ve never seen a lovely German film called “Erleuchtung Garantiert” (Enlightenment Guaranteed), I recommend it.

The Old Wolf has spoken.