Tools and their Purposes

Source: Unknown. Collected via Internet or email in 2004

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays  is used as a kind of divining rod to locate really expensive parts not  far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of  cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well  on boxes containing seats and jackets

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in  their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for  drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes  to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable  motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more  dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is  available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the  palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various  flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the  grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and  motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2  socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching  flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the  chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that  freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere  under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint  whorls and hard earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to  say, “Ouc….”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after  you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack  handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward  off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another  hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for  spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes  and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile  strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to  disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool  that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end  without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric  acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining  that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you suspected.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a  drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,”  which is not otherwise found under a car or motorcycle at night.  Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light  bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used  during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often  dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style  paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,  as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a  coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into  compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench  that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in  Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or  bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.