Woo Water

Visitng a LYS (Local Yarn Shop) in Logan, Utah, I had a glance at the April 2, 2015 edition of Time™ while my wife was finishing up her browsing.

And once again it was confirmed that there’s a sucker born every minute.

Producers try to replicate the success of coconut water

Coconut water, the trendy sports drink that’s exploded into a $400 million-a-year business in the U.S., has new competition. Bottled-water outfits are trying to sell consumers on H2O with vegetables, tree saps and other flavored ingredients. Startups and small companies especially are marketing a raft of new products spiked with a little extra…

Coconut water? I had never heard of such a thing. But have a look at all the wannabes who are jumping on the money train:

water

©Time Magazine

Claims, claims, claims! Improves digestion, soothes sore throats, revitalizes, liver detox, hangover relief, woo, woo, woo! In today’s atmosphere of anti-science and galloping gullibility, there is more opportunity to profit from the ignorance of the masses than ever. Plus ça change…

Edit: Props to Sharon Neeman for catching an error: Victoria’s Kitchen Almond water makes no claims at all, except that it’s delicious and refreshing, which I could certainly get behind if that sort of thing appealed to me.

Petroleum

Lucky Luke, “À l’ombre des derricks”

Snake oil salesmen and purveyors of medical quackery have been around since the dawn of time, but let marketing departments get a whiff of a trend, and the trickle becomes a deluge.

I have nothing against natural remedies per se, and have expanded on this topic in other articles. What I do object to is pure

BS Meter

which these products are, and I recommend that you save your money.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

DIY Part II – Things worked out better this time.

So the CD player in my 2007 Prius went South; wouldn’t eject disks any longer. Time to get a new one.

Called up two dealerships requesting information.

  • Dealer 1: $365.00 for a re-manufactured unit plus about 2 hours of labor at $108.00 per hour.
  • Dealer 2: $1200.00 for a new unit plus similar installation charges. No mention of the possibility of gettting a refurbished unit. Holy hqiz.

Thinking I would have to do without a CD player, because those prices were definitely beyond my means at this moment.

Then I found this outfit that had refurbished units for $199.00, and the video below that details how to replace the part myself.

The guy who made the video missed a couple of screws and got one bit out of order (you have to remove the far-left vent cover before being able to access the second screw on the bottom panel), but it worked out; I was able to swap the unit out with very little difficulty, and I was astonished at how easily and with what precision everything fit together again when I was done.

ick

My car did look pretty much like this by the time I was down to the stereo. It looked really scary, but now you can’t tell that anything had ever been done.

This little escapade saved me between $400 and $1000, depending on which dealership I might have gone with.

Takeaway: Always compare dealerships, don’t take any of them at their word, and if you can possibly find a way to do the work yourself, do it.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Scam – RE: It’s OK…….Call (202) 241 6918

An email that arrived yesterday from “Victor Brown.” The interesting thing is that I called this Washington, DC number and got a recording with a decidedly African accent. The message I left is not suitable for public consumption.


From: Victor Brown <victorbrown08@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: It’s OK…….Call (202) 241 6918

To: ldncntr@mail.com

I have sent you some emails concerning your unclaimed compensation funds but have not gotten favorable reply from you. Why? If you are no longer interested in your unclaimed approved funds, let me know and it would be reassigned to the next batch of claimants or reverted to the coffers immediately for domestic appropriation.

What have I done to you that you have decided to destroy all the good work I have done for you to bring your funds release process to completion? I have done everything humanly possible to complete your funds release process but you are becoming unconcerned, unyielding and uncooperative lately. Why have you decided to ruin this transaction after I have virtually completed the entire release process?

Why haven’t you complied as I directed so that we can get this done within 6 hours and you get your approved funds without hindrance? Why are you delaying? I have expended resources to bring this transaction to this conclusive end but your silence is discouraging. 753 out of the 755 persons in our last 3 Batches Payment Schedule have received their entitlements but I have been waiting to hear from you for days as you promised by no word till now.
Are you ok? All is set to get this transaction completed for you get your funds as soon as I hear from you.
Please get back to me and comply so that the transaction can be completed as scheduled.

Yours Faithfully,
Victor Brown
NW Washington, D.C. 20008
Telephone: (202) 241 6918
Email: vicbrown@consultant.com


It goes without saying that this is a Nigerian 419 email. What I found interesting is that the USA has forwarding numbers similar to the famous UK redirect prefix “44 70”.

Please be careful out there, and make sure your loved ones are protected from this kind of criminal activity. There is no money waiting in Africa for anyone.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

A grandson I never knew I had…

Cross-posted from Livejournal

Clams1

In October of 2009, while feasting on clams at Cap’n Cat’s Clam Bar and Tavern in Westville, NJ, *Urp! Excuse me!*, I got my first phone call ever from my grandson. He was in trouble, oh so much trouble. Car accident. Thank Mogg, he wasn’t hurt badly. And I knew what was coming next: would I be able to wire him $3,000 via Western Union to help him with expenses?

Well, I shut this drone down in a hurry – although I was surprised that he called back right after I had told him to shove his scam where the sun don’t shine. He probably wanted to return the favor, but I didn’t bother to answer.

How this scam works is beyond me. They call elderly people, and open the call with “Hello, Grandpa”? (or Grandma). They never identify themselves by name. If the person responds, “Is this (Tommy)”? they immediately say yes, and they have a name to work with. They’re invariably in trouble. Sometimes overseas. Accident, arrested, what have you. Just need a loan to help them get fixed, bailed out, pay doctor bills, etc. Just wire the funds via Western Union.

This guy didn’t sound Nigerian. He was definitely North American. How he got my cell number is beyond me, because I’m not listed anywhere. And at the time I only had two grandchildren, both girls, aged 3 and 6, although now I do have a beautiful grandson, but he’s still under a year old.

To all within the sound of my voice: If anyone wants money via Western Union or bank transfer, hang up.

If you think a relative may truly be in trouble, verify who you’re talking to with some questions that only the relative in question could answer. Better yet, get a number where you can call them back and then verify the matter with another relative. If a kid’s in jail, a night in the pokey never hurt anyone… it will give you time to check the facts first.

Edit: Here’s a complete rundown of how the scam works, from the Michigan Attorney General.

The Old Wolf has spoken

Gasp! My $2,500,000 is gone!

Subject: IF YOU FAIL TO SEND THE $40 THIS WEEK YOUR $2.500, 000.00 IS GONE
From: IMF OFFICIAL <imfpublicaffairs01@gmail.com>

To: undisclosed-recipients:;

INTERNATIONAL MONITORING FUND NATIONAL HOUSE OF ASSEMBLY COMPLEX
SENATE HOUSE – UPPER CHAMBERS WUSE DISTRICT, COTONOU/BENIN REPUBLIC
Our Ref: FGN /SNT/STB

IF YOU FAIL TO SEND THE $40 THIS WEEK YOUR $2.500, 000.00 IS GONE

I have to inform you again, that we are not playing over this, I know my reason for the continuous sending of this notification to you, the fact is that you can’t seem to trust any one again over this payment for what you have been in cantered in many months ago, but I want you to trust me, I cannot scam you for $40 it is for bank processing of your payment, the fees of $40 is clearly written to you before, I did not invent the bill to defraud you of $40 it is an official bank payment processing fee, and the good part of this, is that you will never, ever be disturbed again over any kind of payment, this is final, and the forms from there becomes effective once we submit your payment application processing fee and pay the form fee of $40 I don’t want you to loose this fund this time, because you may never get another such good opportunity, the federal government is keen and very determined to pay your overdue debts, this is not a fluke, I would not want you to loose this fund out of ignorance, I will send you all the documents as soon as bank payment processing fee is paid, you have to trust me, you will get your fund, find a way to get $40 you will not loose it,instead it will bring your financial breakthrough, find the money and send it to our bursary.

The reason why am sending you this IS because I want you to receive your USD2.5M immediately we are trying to round up for this payment program.The processing charges which was initially on the high price has been cut down by the payout bank considering the poor economic situations that make it difficult for the middle class citizens to meet up with the processing charges of their entitlement. Upon the confirmation of your processing charges you will get your $2.500, 000.00 into your account within 15hrs.

Here is the payment information through western union money transfer or money gram money transfer finally my advice to you is not to abandon this transaction because of the requirement of ($40) Account Officer Info:

Send the fee through Western Union or Money Gram only.

Receiver’s first Name: Joe Mba

City:::::::::::::: Cotonou
Country: ::::::::Benin Republic
Text Question: ::::::code
Answer::::::::code
Amount required: :::::::$40
Sender’s Name:::::
MTCN Number#:
Sender’s address:

As soon as the payment is received today, you will receive your $2.5M the same today without any delay.

Best Regards
Mrs. Waziri Lukman


Suffice it to say this is just another Benin scam; and as usual, the takeaway is that all such letters promising  you money from Africa are criminal enterprises designed to get your money. It’s interesting that these boys are scratching for the tiniest sums, but of course anyone who pays them will be asked for more, and more, and more until their funds are gone or until they catch on.

NEVER SEND MONEY BY WESTERN UNION OR MONEY CARD OR ANY OTHER SUCH SERVICE TO SOMEONE YOU DO NOT KNOW. IF YOU DO, YOUR MONEY WILL BE GONE FOREVER.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Nothing Equal about This

“Separate but Equal” was the rallying cry of racism.

2w9FJnW

Original caption: Charlotte, NC: A crowd of youths taunts Dorothy Geraldine Counts, 15, as she walks to a previously all-white Harding High School to enroll. Leaving the school, she was pelted with trash, small sticks and pebbles. (Copyright Bettmann/Corbis / AP Images)

Anyone who dared go up against the idea that schools should be integrated found themselves the target of really classy behavior;

On the morning of September 4, 1957, fifteen-year-old Dorothy Counts set out on a harrowing path toward Harding High, where-as the first African American to attend the all-white school -she was greeted by a jeering swarm of boys who spat, threw trash, and yelled epithets at her as she entered the building.

Charlotte Observer photographer Don Sturkey captured the ugly incident on film, and in the days that followed, the searing image appeared not just in the local paper but in newspapers around the world.

A week later, the girl in the photograph was gone. Her parents -having been told by the school administrators and police officials that they could not guarantee her safety -sent her to live with a relative in suburban Philadelphia, where she could peacefully attend an integrated school.

The text above, from an article about Dorothy Counts today, recounts just one incident among countless – but sadly, the story doesn’t really have a happy ending.

Ms. Counts, who has long been active in the fight to attain racial tolerance and equality of education and other opportunity, sees things headed in the wrong way.

At West Charlotte High — a predominantly African American school her granddaughter recently graduated from — she says the lack of resources is disturbing.

“At the beginning of the school year, they would go for weeks without books, for weeks without enough chairs for everyone in the classroom,” she says. “When I heard about that I thought, Lord, this brings back memories.”

I wonder what kind of memories Ms. Counts could relate? Here’s a quote from Jonathan Kozol, in his troubling book, Death at an Early Age, which recounts his first year of teaching in the Boston schools in the 60s, Kozol recounted the attitude of racist teachers who infested the system:
“You children should thank God and feel blessed with good luck for all you’ve got. There are so many little children in the world who have been given so much less” [said teacher who didn’t care to address reality.] The books are junk, the paint peels, the cellar stinks, the teachers call you nigger, the windows fall in on your heads. “Thank God that, you don’t live in Russia or Africa! Thank God for all the blessings that you’ve got!”
And now we live in the 21st century, when such inequality, such oppression, such discrimination should be behind us. Yet in a December, 2014 essay, two prominent voices for equality (Grace Ji-Sun Kim and the Rev. Jesse Jackson) point out that what we are now seeing in Baltimore (which at the time of writing had not yet happened) is the result of a continuing pattern of inequality.

The dying words of Eric Garner symbolize our situation. “I can’t breathe” speaks from the grave and describes the circumstances faced by many who are being choked by a system that treats different races and classes of people unequally.

When the banks of black and brown homeowners drove them into foreclosure, we couldn’t breathe.

When inner-city hospital trauma units are closed to those without insurance and the poor are denied access to Medicaid, we can’t breathe.

When inner-city residents are denied access to public transportation to get to where the jobs are, we can’t breathe.

When inner-city schools have a lower tax base to support public education but students have to take the same exams as suburban kids with a stronger tax base, we can’t breathe.

When they changed the formula on PLUS loans loans, poor and black parents couldn’t breathe.

When student-loan debt is greater than credit-card debt, students can’t breathe.

When corporations we support will not advertise with black media, black-owned media can’t breathe.

When Silicon Valley locks us out of boards and corporate suites and locks us out of employment, contracts and entrepreneurial investments, even though we disproportionately use their products, we can’t breathe.

When banks cut off lending and investment to African Americans, they cut off our breath; but the government gave failing banks oxygen tanks with no obligation to help those who paid for the oxygen.

As inequality persists, many are left in the dark, desperate for life and breath.

And yet there are some who wonder why things like Watts and Baltimore happen. What I wonder is why it doesn’t happen more often.

Middle-class America is talking a lot these days about living as the 99%, and there’s merit in that conversation. But I hear more outrage from people who live better than most of the world’s population with regards to their own situation than I do about people in our own country who have virtually next to nothing, and who are being kept in that situation by societal pressures which persist in large part from the days of slavery.

I believe in Reverend King’s dream, but my own dreams go farther.

I have been accused of hoping for a utopia, a socialist paradise, but I believe that as a species, we as humans can do much better for one another than we have ever done. I believe in a world that works for 100% of humanity, where those who have give freely, and where those who have not can work for what they receive; where hate and envy do not trouble us; where divisions over race, religion, and gender are done away; where children are taught principles of humane living with just as much vigor as they are taught their three Rs.

To those who would dismiss these dreams as pie in the sky, I simply say that if we do nothing today, we will live tomorrow the same way we lived yesterday.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Utah Speak

Utah has its own language and its own dialect, especially when you get out of the cosmopolitan areas. This list of Utah words was assembled by the Radio from Hell show.

Liar
Skiddin
Sway
Mart
Al
Scout
Strew
Sarah
Zrenny
Meetin
Smelp
Bulimia
Cheatin
Skit
Sain
Skweet
Jeat
Snot
Stew
Zis
Smee
Frude
Frignernt
Melk
Mungry
Lechin
Galna
(lawyer)
(just kidding)
(this way)
(my heart)
(owl)
(lets go out)
(it’s true)
(is there a)
(is there any)
(I am eating)
(some help)
(believe me, I …)
(what are you eating)
(let’s get)
(saying)
(let’s go eat)
(did you eat)
(is not)
(is too)
(who is this)
(it’s me)
(for rude)
(for ignorant)
(milk)
(I’m hungry)
(let you in)
(gallon of)

Other phenomena have been observed, such as the tendency of vowels to go from tense to lax before /l/, resulting in things like “Bell the Hay, George, there’s a hellstorm coming.” The phenomenon is not limited to production, but also perception; my ex-wife always referred to my cousin Del as “Dale” – i.e. she couldn’t hear the difference between the two phonemes in that position.

Southern Utahns have a heavy tendency to pronounce words like “born” and “Mormon” as “barn” and “Marmon.” This has been stigmatized as “hick speech,” and some people, aware of this, can overcompensate when trying to avoid the appearance of being a jay, coming up with things like “horpsichard.”

Here in Utah, we call that little gray bug that rolls up when you touch it a “potato bug,” rather than whatever you probably call it, and the thing that goes down the middle of two freeway lanes is called a “bar pit.” “Caught” and “cot” are identical here, as are “Mary,” “merry,” and “marry.” Coming from New York, I distinguish between these words, and have never given up the distinction although I’ve lived in Utah for 46 years.

Lastly, Utah is famous for its double modals, such as “might could,” “might would,” etc, as well as the odd names with interstitial majuscules like “LaVar,” “DuWayne,” and such things. If you want some real technical stuff, a preliminary survey of Northern Utah speech can be found here.

Strew.

The Old Wolf has spoken. Er maybe spoke, dunno.

Definitions for a ‘Fictionary’

Something culled from my half-century-old file of random clippings and copies, which are now being digitized. I was amazed, in passing, at how many of these actually had found their way to the Internet over time. This one came up with no hits, and hence deserved to be scanned in and shared.

“Daffynitions” like this have been around for a long time, so it’s difficult to know if these are original creations of Mr. Brandreth, or things he remembered, or a combination of both. Whatever the case, it’s a good collection.


Alphabet Soup

Definitions for a ‘Fictionary’

By Gyles Brandreth

Who was it who first defined the word elliptical as “a kiss” (a lip tickle)? I don’t know, but he was some kind of genius. It has to be the greatest daffynition of all time.

Daffynitions are dictionary definitions run haywire and are specially designed to add hidden dimensions to the words they describe.

G. & C. Merriam Co., the nation’s Largest publisher· of dictionaries, is celebrating its 150th anniversary this year and William A. Lleywellyn, its president, says Merriam will mark its sesquicentennial by “continuing to do what we have always done: develop the most useful English-language dictionaries we know how.”

If Mr. Llewellyn wants to do something really useful to mark his company’s 150th birthday. he’ll take my advice and produce the wry first Merriam-Webster Fictionary it’s a dictionary with a difference: the words are all real. but the definitions are somewhat unex­pected.

To give you (and Mr. Llewellyn) a flavor of what I’ve got in mind here are the daffynitions that I feel definitely deserve a place in the world’s first fictionary:

acorn: an oak in a nutshell
afford: a car some people drive
announce: one-sixteenth of a pound
appear: something you fish off
area code: a sinus condition
arrest: what to take when you’re tired
ashtray: a place where people put ashes when the room doesn’t have a rug
autograph: a chart showing the sales of cars
ax: chopstick
bacteria: the rear of a cafeteria
barber shop: a clip joint
bathing beauty: a girl worth wading for
bee: a hum-bug
beet: a potato with high blood pressure
buccaneer: too much to pay for corn
Camelot: a parking lot for camels
cannibal: one who is fed up with people
chair: headquarters for hindquarters
chicken farm: a large egg plant
conceit: I-strain
crowbar: a bird’s drinking place
denial: where Cleopatra lived
dentist: someone who looks down in the mouth
egomania: a passion for omelets
eraser: what the artist’s wife said when he drew a beautiful girl
extinct: dead skunk
flood: a river that’s too big for its bridges
foul ball: a dance for chickens
gallows: where no noose is good noose
goblet: a small turkey
gossip: letting the chat out of the bag
hogwash: pig’s laundry
home run: a thing you do in a ball game when the ball goes through a window
ice: skid stuff
igloo: an icicle built for two
illegal: a sick bird
incongruous: where the laws are made
information: how air force planes fly
kidney: knee of a baby goat
kindred: a fear of relatives coming
knob: a thing to adore
leopard: a dotted lion
mummy: an Egyptian pressed for time
nail: a long, round object with a flat head which you aim at before you hit your thumb
nursery: a bawl park
operetta: a girl who works for the phone company
ottoman: a car mechanic
out of bounds: a tired kangaroo
paradox: two doctors
paratrooper: an army dropout
parole: a cell-out
pickle: a cucumber in a sour mood
pigeon-toed: half-pigeon, half toad
pink elephant: a beast of bourbon
pretzel: a double-jointed doughnut
printer: a man of letters
propaganda: a socially correct goose
quadruplets: four crying out loud
racetrack: the only place where windows dean people
raisin: a worried grape
rebate: to put another worm on the hook
ringleader: first one in the bathtub
shotgun: a worn-out gun
sleeping bag: a nap sack
snoring: sheet music
southpaw: a daddy from Dixie
tears: glum drops
unabridged: a river you have to swim to cross
undercover agent: spy in bed
vitamin: what you do when someone comes to the house
walkie-talkie: a grounded parrot
washable: to bathe a bull
water cooler: thirst-aid kit
X-ray: belly vision
yellow: what you do when you stub your toe
zoo keeper: a critter-sitter


I add a few others that I happen to remember from somewhere:

rhubarb: bloodshot celery
volcano: a mountain getting its rocks off
booze: Sounds of disapproval.
pun: A weapon of mass distraction.
crustacean: a bakery

The Old Wolf has spoken

Philip K. Howard – The Death of Common Sense

This article, written 20 years ago, is an excerpt from Howard’s book by the same name. It was published in US News and World Reports  on January 30, 1995.

howard

It is even more relevant today than it was then.

This is a copyright article – if anyone really objects to its presence here, I’ll take it down. But it deserves to be read, as does the entire book.


The Death of Common Sense
Philip K. Howard

In the winter of 1988, nuns of Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity were walking through the snow in the South Bronx in their saris and sandals to look for an abandoned building that they might convert into a homeless shelter. They came to two fire-gutted buildings on 148th Street and, finding a Madonna amid the rubble, thought that perhaps Providence itself has ordained the mission. New York City offered the abandoned buildings at $1 each, and the Missionaries of Charity set aside $500,000 for the reconstruction. The only thing unusual about the plan was that the nuns, in addition to their vow of poverty, avoid the routine use of modern conveniences, and there would be no washing machines or other appliances. For New York City, the proposed homeless facility would literally be a godsend. Although the city owned the buildings no official had the authority to transfer them except through an extensive bureaucratic process. For 18 months, the nuns were directed from hearing room to hearing room discussing the project with bureaucrats. In September 1989, the city finally approved the plan, and the Missionaries of Charity began repairing the fire damage.

Providence, however, was no match for law. New York’s building code, they were told after almost two years, required an elevator. The Missionaries of Charity explained that because of their beliefs they would never use the elevator, which also would add upward of $100,000 to the cost. The nuns were told the law could not be waived even if an elevator didn’t make sense.

Mother Teresa gave up. Her representative said: “The Sisters felt they could use the money much more usefully for soup. and sandwiches.” In a polite, regretful letter to the city, the Missionaries of Charity noted that the episode “served to educate us about the law and its many complexities.” No person decided to spite Mother Teresa. It was the law of government, which controls almost every activity of common interest-fixing potholes, running schools, regulating day-care centers, controlling workplace behavior, cleaning up the environment and deciding whether to give Mother Teresa building permit. And what it required offends common sense. Law designed to make Americans’ lives safer and fairer has now become an enemy of the people.

Government acts like some extraterrestrial power, not an institution that exists to serve us. The bureaucracy almost never deals with real-life problems in a way that reflects an understanding of the situation. We seem to have achieved the worst of both worlds: a system of regulation that goes too far while it also does too little.

This paradox is explained by the absence of the one indispensable ingredient of any successful human endeavor: the use of judgment. In the decades since World War II, we have constructed a system of regulatory law that basically outlaws common sense. Modern law, in an effort to be “self-executing,” has shut out our humanity.

The motives to make the law this way had logic. Specific legal mandates would keep government in check and provide crisp guidelines for citizens. Layers of “process”-procedural deliberations-would make sure decisions were responsible. Handing out “rights” would cure injustice. But it doesn’t work. Human activity can’t be regulated without judgment by humans, adjusting for circumstances and taking responsibility.

The public’s fury with government was demonstrated in the November election, and the Republicans who won power now promise to get government off our backs. This rhetoric never turns to reality, though, because the public does not want to cut government essential services. The public is mad at how government works-its perpetual ineptitude and staggering waste-not mainly what government aims to do.

Moreover, the GOP’s Contract With America proposes to take only small steps in the direction of real reform. One proposal would impose a moratorium on many pending regulations- an idea equivalent to cutting off your leg to lose weight. Another Republican theme is to return government functions to. states, which could be a real benefit in certain areas like welfare but disastrous in others like environmental protection. The federalism idea ignores the fact that state governments are typically as ineffective and wasteful as the federal government. To liberate Americans from red tape, real reform must be aimed at simplifying how government works. Ending our suffocating legal system should be reformers’ goal.

LAW REPLACES HUMANITY

The tension between legal certainty and life’s complexities was a primary concern of those who built our legal system. The Constitution is a model of flexible law that can evolve with changing times and unforeseen circumstances. Today, we no longer remember that words can impose rigidity as well as offer clarity. Law had an identity crisis when Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., then a law professor, suggested in 1881 that law was not certain after all but depended on how the judge and jury saw the facts. This stimulated a wide range of reform movements, especially to codify the common law into statutes. Progressives at the turn of the century, New Dealers in the 1930s and Great Society reformers in the 1960s expanded the role of government in huge ways.

Another form of lawmaking also took hold in the ’60s that focused not on government’s role but on its techniques. Legal details proliferated. The Federal Register, a report of new and proposed regulations, increased from 15,000 pages in the final year of John Kennedy’s presidency to over 70,000 pages in the last year of George Bush.

Precision became the goal. The ideal of lawmaking was to anticipate every situation, every exception and codify it. With obligations set forth precisely, according to this rationale, everyone would know where he stood. But the drive for certainty has destroyed, not enhanced, law’s ability to act as a guide. “Regulation has become so elaborate and technical that it is beyond the understanding of all but a handful of mandarins,” argued former Stanford Law DeBanay less Manning. No tax auditor, no building code examiner can possibly know all the rules in thick government volumes. What good is a legal system that cannot be known?

Instead of making law a neutral guidepost protecting against unfairness and abuse, this accretion of law has given bureaucrats almost limitless arbitrary power. A few years ago, the federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration decided workers needed more protection from hazardous chemicals. Bureaucrats decided that everything that could conceivably have a toxic effect should be shipped with a Material Safety Data Sheet describing the possible harmful effects of each item. The list grew and grew until it totaled over 600,000 products. In 1991, OSHA turned its attention to bricks. Bricks can fall on people, of course, but they had never been considered poisonous. The OSHA regional office in Chicago sent a citation to a brick maker for failing to supply an MSDS form with each pallet of bricks. If a brick is sawed, OSHA reasoned, it can release small amounts of the mineral silica. The fact that this doesn’t happen much at construction sites was of no consequence. Brick makers thought the government had gone crazy, and they feared a spate of lawsuits. They began sending the form so that workers would know how to identify a brick (a “hard ceramic body with no odor”) and giving its boiling point (“above 3,500°” Fahrenheit). In 1994, after three years of litigation, the poison designation was removed by OSHA.

The proliferation of rules may not produce the benefits of certainty and fairness, but it creates endless opportunities for smart lawyers seeking angles and advantages. Law, supposedly the backdrop for society, has been transformed into one of its main enterprises. For some billionaires, cable-TV companies, congressmen and litigators, close scrutiny and manipulation of the rules are a means to an end, The words of law give them lower taxes, a way to circumvent price controls, a secret means of playing favorites and a tool to grind the other side into the ground.

housing, gets regular citations for code violations like nonaligning windows and closet doors that do not close tightly. Does the city think that those clean, inexpensive rooms are somehow unworthy of a city that itself provides cots 18 inches apart for those who have no pltadc sel eep? A city inspector recently told the YMCA, after it had virtually completed a renovation, that the fire code had changed and a different kind of fire-alarm system, costing an additional $200,000, would have to be installed. “Don’t they realize th$a2tO Oth,CeM Xl can provide yearlong programs for a hundred kids?” asked Paula Gavin, the YMCA’s president. In our obsessive effort to perfect a government of laws, not of men, we have invented a government of laws against men.

THE NEVER-ENDING PROCESS

In 1962, Rachel Carson shocked the nation by exposing the effects of DDT and other pesticides in her book The Never-Ending Spring. There was also another side to the issue: Pesticides give us apples without worms and the most productive farms in the world. In 1972, Congress required the newly created Environmental Protection Agency to review all pesticides (about 600 chemical compounds at that time) and decide which should be removed from the market. The deadline was three years. More than 20 years have passed, and yet only 30 pesticides have been judged. Hundreds of others, including some on which there are data suggesting significant risk, continue to be marketed. “At this rate,” said Jim Aidala, a onetime congressional pesticide expert, “the review of existing pesticides will be completed in the year 15000 A.D.”

Making decisions, it almost seems too obvious to say, is necessary to do anything. Every decision involves a choice and the likelihood that somebody will lose something; otherwise, there would be no need to decide. This is the issue that paralyzes government decision making. “The problem with government,” argues economist Charles Schultze of the Brookings Institution, “is that it can’t ever be seen to do harm.” Bureaucrats find it nearly impossible to say yes. Yet the act of not choosing is not benign: We may eat something bad because the EPA never made a decision.

Sometimes government cannot act even in the face of imminent peril. In the early-morning hours of April 13, 1992, in the heart of Chicago’s downtown Loop, the Chicago River broke through the masonry of an old railroad tunnel built in the last century. Several hundred million gallons of water from the river were diverted into the basements of downtown office buildings, knocking out boilers, short-circuiting countless electric switches, ruining computers and turning files into wet pulp. Total losses were over $1 billion. Several weeks before the accident, the leak in the tunnel had come to the attention of John La Plante, then Chicago’s transportation commissioner, a public servant with 30 years of exemplary service. He knew that the river was immediately overhead and that a break could be disastrous. He ordered his engineers to shore up the ceiling. As a prudent administrator, he also asked how much it would cost. The initial guess was about $10,000. His subordinates then went to a reputable contractor, who quoted $75,000. Although the amount was paltry, the discrepancy gave La Plante pause. He put it out for competitive bids. Two weeks later, before the bidding process had even begun, the ceiling collapsed.

Bureaucrats don’t even seem capable of looking in the right direction. How things are done has become far more important than what is done. The process has become an end in itself. A weakness of human nature that prompts many to avoid responsibility has become institutionalized in layers of forms and meetings. As a result, government accomplishes virtually nothing of what it sets out to do. It can barely fire an employee who doesn’t show up for work.

The actual goals of government are treated like a distant vision, displaced by an almost religious preoccupation with procedural conformity. Public servants who dare take the initiative can be smothered. In the late1 980s Michael McGuire, a senior research scientist at the University of California at Los Angeles, found himself in trouble. His lab is funded by the Veterans Administration. Its lawn also needs to be cut. When the lawn mower broke, McGuire decided to buy another one. During a subsequent routine audit, the federal auditor asked why the lawn mower was different. McGuire told the truth: He had thrown out a broken federal lawn mower (after saving usable spare parts). That prompted an investigation resulting in several meetings with high-level federal officials. After months, they rendered their findings: They could find d no malice, but they determined McGuire to be ignorant of the proper procedures. He received an official reprimand and was admonished to study VA procedure, which he noted was “about the size of an encyclopedia.” One other fact: McGuire bought the lab’s lawn mower with his own money.

Orthodoxy, not practicality, is the foundation of process. Its credo is for complete fairness: its demons are corruption and favoritism. But concepts like equality and uniformity have no logical stopping point; no place where they say, “The Chicago commissioner shouldn’t worry about bidding procedures with the river only a few feet above the leak.” No one risks drawing the line. Any potential complaint is answered with one more “review” or “fact finding” procedure.

One destructive message of this is that bureaucrats can’t be trusted to exercise their judgment. And the cost of this mistrust is almost inconceivable. The paperwork it generates in the name of “oversight” and “accountability” often costs more than the product it purchases. The Defense Department announced last year that it spent more on procedures for travel reimbursement ($2.2 billion) than on travel ($2 billion).

Setting priorities is difficult in modem government because process has no sense of priorities. Important, often urgent, projects get held up by procedural concerns. Potentially important breakthroughs in medicine wait for years at the Food and Drug Administration. Even obviously necessary safety projects can’t break through the thick wall of process. In 1993, during a snowstorm at New York’s La Guardia Airport, a Continental Airlines DC-9 had to abort a takeoff and ended up with its nose in Long Island Sound. Another 100 feet and many lives would probably have been lost. Two years earlier, another plane had slid off the runway, killing 27 people. The 7,000-foot runway is about 70 percent as long as those at most commercial airports, and the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which runs the airport, had been trying to add 460fe et for six years. But the agency had spent years talking to environmental agencies and community groups whose procedural rights took precedence over making the airport safer.

The irony of our obsession with process is that it has not prevented sharp operators from exploiting the government’s contracting system, as the weapons-procurement scandals of the 1980s showed us. Its dense procedural thicket is a perfect hiding place for those who want to cheat. It has also led to a system so inconclusive that fairness is lost: Advocates can bludgeon their adversaries endlessly in public disputes that become too costly to see to a conclusion. And nothineg ver gets done.

We must remember why we have process at all. It exists to serve responsibility. Process was not a credit card given out to each citizen for misconduct or delay; nor was it an invisible shield given to each bureaucrat. Responsibility, not process, is what matters.

A NATION OF ENEMIES

Finding a public bathroom in New York City is not easy. To remedy the problem, Joan Davidson, then director of the J. M. Kaplan Fund, a private foundation, proposed in 1991 to finance a test of six sidewalk toilet kiosks in different sections of the city. The coin-operated toilets, which cleaned themselves after every use, were small enough not to disrupt pedestrian traffic and would pay for themselves with the sale of advertising for the side panels. The proposal was greeted with an outpouring of enthusiasm. Then came the problem: Wheelchairs couldn’t fit inside them. The director of the Mayor’s Office for People with Disabilities said the idea was “discrimination in its purest form.” The city’s antidiscrimination law, she pointed out, made it illegal to deny to the disabled any access to public accommodation. A protracted battle ensued.

The ultimate resolution, while arguably legal, was undeniably silly: Two toilet kiosks would be at each of the three locations, one for the general public and the other, with a fulltime attendant, for wheelchair users only. The test proved how great the demand was. The regular units averaged over 3,000 flushes per month. The wheelchair-friendly units were basically unused; the cost of the attendant was wasted. Making trade-offs in situations like this is much of what government does. Almost every government act, whether allocating use of public property, creating new programs or granting subsidies, benefits one group more than another, and usually at the expense of everyone else. Most people expected leaders to balance the pros and cons and make decisions in the public interest. The government of New York, however, lacked this power because it had passed an innocuous-sounding law that created “rights” elevating the interests of any disabled person over any other public purpose.

Rights have taken on a new role in America. Whenever there is a perceived injustice, new rights are created to help the victims. Yet these new rights are intended as an often invisible form of subsidy. They are provided at everyone else’s expense, but the check is left blank. They give open-ended power to one group, and it comes out of everybody else’s hide. The vocabulary of accommodation, the most important language for a democracy, is displaced.

The “rights revolution” did not begin with any of this in mind. It was an effort to give to blacks the freedom the rest of the citizenry enjoyed. The relatively simple changes in law in the Civil Rights Act of 1964 sparked a powerful social change for the good. But that inspired reformers in the 1960s to consider using “rights” as a method to eliminate inequality of all kinds. Reformers zeroed in on the almost nuclear power that “rights” could bring to their causes. People armed with new rights could solve their own problems by going straight to court, bypassing the maddeningly slow process of democracy. The most influential thinker was Charles Reich, at Yale. In his 1964 article “The New Property,” Reich laid out a simple formula to empower citizens: Government decisions should be considered the property of the people affected. Government employees facing termination, professionals licensed by the state and contractors doing government business no longer would be subject to the judgment of government officials. Everyone would have a “right” that government would have no choice but to respect. In a follow-up article, Reich focused on what he thought was the area in which government largess was most important to the individual: welfare. He called for a “bill of rights for the disinherited.” His vision heralded a new era of self-determination. Power would be transferred to the wards of the welfare state. Who would draw the line? “Lawyers,” he proclaimed, “are desperately needed now.”

Reich got his wish. Today, even ordinary encounters-between teachers and students, between supervisors and employees- now involve lawyers. Like termites eating their way through a home, “rights” began weakening the lines of authority of our society. Traditional walls of responsibility-how a teacher manages a classroom or how a social worker makes judgments in the field-began to weaken.

The Supreme Court embraced Professor Reich’s concepts in a 1970 decision, Goldberg x Kelly, which held that welfare benefits were “property” and could not be cut off without due process. Congress began handing out rights like land grants. Floodgates opened allowing juveniles, the elderly, the disabled, the mentally ill, immigrants and many others – even animals included under the Endangered Species Act – their days in court.

After 30 years of expanding rights against workplace discrimination, Congress has succeeded in “protecting” over 70 percent of all American workers. But are we witnessing a new age of harmony and understanding in the workplace? Hardly. Even those who are successful are bitter. Ellis Cose, in The Rage of a Privileged Class, describes the extraordinary anger of successful blacks-partners in law firms, executives in companies- who feel they are being held back because of race. These feelings, however, mirror those of white professionals who believe blacks are promoted primarily because they are black.

A paranoid silence has settled over the workplace. Only a fool says what he really believes. It is too easy to be misunderstood or to have your words taken out of context. Those hurt most by the clammed-up workplace are minorities and others whom the discrimination laws were intended to help. The dread of living under the cloud of discrimination sensitivity and the lurking fear of potential charges often act as an invisible door blocking any but the most ideal minority applicant.

Beyond the workplace, public schools have been the hardest hit by the rights revolution, especially when it comes to special education. Timothy W. was a profoundly disabled child, born with quadriplegia, cerebral palsy, cortical blindness and virtually no cerebral cortex. His mother thought he should go to school. Experts consulted by the Rochester, N.H., school district concluded he was not “capable of benefiting” from educational services, but a federal judge ruled that the school was obligated to provide a program because under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, it didn’t matter whether he could benefit. Law books are filled with such cases as local school districts try to stem the hemorrhaging of their budgets. But the districts almost always lose. A right is a right.

Teachers, too, have suffered as the “rights” accorded students have allowed disruptive students to dominate classrooms. Except in the cases of egregious student conduct, most teachers often don’t bother to act at all against misbehaving students. The procedures they have to follow are just too onerous. The easiest course is just to do nothing.

Rights are not the language of democracy. Compromise is. Rights are the language of freedom and are absolute because their role is to protect our liberty. By using the absolute power of freedom to accomplish reforms of democracy, we have undermined democracy and diminished our freedom.

THE RETURN TO PRINCIPLES

Like tired debaters, our political parties argue relentlessly over government’s goals, as if our only choice is between Big Brother and the laissez-faire state. They miss the problem entirely Our hatred of government is not caused mainly by what government aims to do. It’s how law works that drives us crazy. Law is hailed as the instrument of freedom because without law there would be anarchy, and we would eventually come under the thumb of whoever gets power. Too much law, we are learning, can have a comparable effect. It is no coincidence that Americans feel disconnected from government: The rigid rules shut out our point of view. By exiling judgment, modern law changed its role from useful tool to brainless tyrant.

Before American law became the world’s thickest instruction manual, its goal was to serve general principles. The sunlight of common sense shines high whenever principles control: What is right and reasonable, not the parsing of legal language, dominates the discussion. With the goal always shining before us, the need for lawyers fades. Both regulators and citizens understand what is expected of them and can use their judgment. They can also be held accountable.

We have invented a hybrid government form that achieves nearly perfect inertia. No one is in control. No one makes decisions. This legal experiment hasn’t worked out. It crushes our goals and deadens our spirits. Modern law has not protected us from stupidity and caprice but has made stupidity and caprice dominant features of our society. And because the dictates are ironclad, we are prevented from doing anything about it. Our founders would wince; they knew that “the greatest menace to freedom,‘ as the late Chief Justice Earl Warren reminded us in 1972, “is an inert people.”

Law cannot save us from ourselves. Waking up every morning, we have to go out and try to accomplish our goals and resolve disagreements by doing what we think is right. Energy and resourcefulness, not millions of legal cubicles, are the things that make America great. Let judgment and personal conviction be important again. There is nothing unusual or frightening about it. It’s just common sense.

From US News & World Report, January 30. 1995. pp. 57-61. Adapted from The Death of Common Sense by Philip K. Howard. Reprinted there by permission of Random House


The Old Wolf has spoken.