Category Archives: Advertising

Some things come and go, some things stick around

Posted on by The Old Wolf

When I started shaving as a lad, I was able to use a blade for a while but there was a lot of blood involved until my skin got used to it. I began to understand the impact of “bleeding from every pore.” I finally gave that up; I wanted a shave, not a self-sacrifice. “Zit zot! Cut my face to shreds!”

When I switched to using a trusty Braun (I’ve had three since 1975), I started using a combination of LectricShave™ and AquaVelva™ for the befores and afters.

11288898  aci-038_1z

They work well, I liked them then, and I like them now. And it occurred to me that they’ve changed almost not at all since their introduction (AquaVelva in 1929!) and have survived without using a lot of fancy and idiotic marketing (although the late 50s and early 60s TV ads for LectricShave were pretty insipid, as most commercials from that era.)

Back in the late 60s and early 70s, there was a brand of after-shave called HaiKarate – under the “sex sells” rubric, they produced some really cheesy commercials showing nerdy guys with horn-rimmed glasses fending off sex-crazed women; each bottle came with a self-defense insert and the slogan, “Be careful how you use it.”

 

perfume_1975hai_karate

Although re-introduced in the UK in 2014, this product faded out in the 1980s. Unsurprisingly.

Other products came and went, some of which I remember fondly.

I purchased a set of “Nine Flags” colognes once, and I recall being very partial to “Italy” – the dry citrus was very easy on my nose.

Flags

Flags 2

This is one I wish had endured. You can still find some floating around on eBay, but time is not kind to these fragrances – in my experience, the chemicals begin to break down and they can smell rancid after a while.

I’m glad that the two products I have used for most of my life are still around.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

The Internet Doesn’t Have Everything Yet

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I have written before about things I’ve lost over time, seen in a magazine or a book or elsewhere, and my efforts to re-locate them. As time goes on, more and more material gets uploaded to the Internet, but despite some successes, there are many lacunes.

I remember a great advertisement that appeared at the end of the 90s or thereabouts – it was, if I’m not mistaken, for the Sony Nightshot video camera, and showed – taken in infrared light – a cat and a dog surprised in a compromising position on the couch. The caption was something like “You’ll be surprised at what you can discover when you come home unexpectedly.”

I know that ad existed, because I can see it in my mind’s eye as plainly as could be desired, but thus far I have found no hint of it in the course of as many searches as I know how to do. It appears to have vanished without a trace. Now that may be the result of an unfortunate urban legend which sprung up around the time of the Nightshot’s introduction, specifically that you could see through clothing with it – but I’m surprised I can’t locate this particular ad copy, because it was funny.

I guess some things are either lost forever, or I’ll just have to keep waiting until someone finds it.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

An alternate look at consumerism.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Over at Gizmodo, one can view James Savage’s spare room, filled with a working copy of almost every Apple computer ever made:

18s0naretzf67jpg

At Metafilter, user Pastabagel posted this on October 4, 2007.

Coveting possessions is unhealthy. Here’s how I look at it:

All of the computers on Ebay are mine. In fact, everything on Ebay is already mine. All of those things are just in long term storage that I pay nothing for. Storage is free.

When I want to take something out of storage, I just pay the for the storage costs for that particular thing up to that point, plus a nominal shipping fee, and my things are delivered to me so I can use them. When I am done with them, I return them to storage via Craigslist or Ebay, and I am given a fee as compensation for freeing up the storage facilities resources.

This is also the case with all of my stuff that Amazon and Walmart are holding for me. I have antiques, priceless art, cars, estates, and jewels beyond the dreams of avarice.

The world is my museum, displaying my collections on loan. The James Savages of the world are merely curators.

As I am the curator of their things, and thus together we all share the world.

A year ago, Pastabagel did an expanded essay on the same theme, which I felt was worth sharing:

Hi, I’m the author of that original post on Metafilter. (I can’t believe it’s been 7 years since I wrote that!). I’ve done a lot of thinking and writing about this, and I think what it boils down to is this.

The amount of freedom you have is directly proportional to the time between your desire for something and the moment you reach out to grasp it.

For most people, this time is short. The see something they want and immediately they reach for it. Consider the immortal words from Fight Club: “The things you own end up owning you.” If you are owned, then you are a slave. Slaves are not free.

If the thing you see arouses such a desire in you that you immediately move to own it, then you are not free. The thing own you, and you exist to serve it.

All these concepts like store, property, ownership, etc. are illusions designed to convince you that buying is something other than you giving someone your money, which is a physical manifestation of your time. (It literally represents the time that you worked in the past, or if on credit, the time you will have to work in the future to pay the debt.)

If you see something in a store that you like, you know exactly where it is. It’s in the store, safe and secure. You can go see it anytime you want. If you bought it, nothing would change but it’s position.

Now, you imagine that buying it changes your identity. You see the thing and your mind constructs a meaning for that thing (helpfully aided by advertising which is sooo impartial and on your side). This $12 moleskine notebook means I’m a creative( you think), unlike that $1 Staple notebook, which functions in exactly the same way.

You desire something because they made you desire it. I’m convinced that the forces of marketing and advertising are so effective and have been so thoroughly perfected, that it is almost impossible to resist for anyone. For any person, there is some product out there that these tricks work on. For you it’s sneakers, someone else is t-shirts, etc.

What we have to do is cultivate that control. You want this, but don’t reach for it. Walk away and ask yourself “why do I want that? What is it about that thing that makes me want it and not other things?” Replace the insitinctive motion to your wallet with an instinctive question. Why this?

And it’s true that you may never find it again, because it will be replaced by something else that you will immediately desire and have to have. And when that happens, the other thing will seem dulled and faded. There is always something new. Desire is never satisfied. It’s a an endless cycle.

Freedom is an act of resistance. The only force that operates on our lives now with any power is consumerism. The messages of consumerism will define our world and our identities if we don’t intervene on our own behalf. Your money is valuable because it represents your time, and your time is your life. Don’t trade your life for some new crap.

Look at the thing and admire the thought and creativity that went into it. And with your hands firmly in your pockets, turn and walk away.

This is, to me, extraordinarily sound advice, particularly for someone who is entranced by books, yarn, and geekology. I think I need to put this on my wall in the form of a “Desiderata” and look at it regularly. I mean, how many of the things that I “want” would I really use on a regular basis in a way that would enrich my life and the lives of others?

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Rachael has now dropped sixteen dress sizes.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I wage war against spam, affiliate marketers, snake oil and general pseudo-scientific bulldust.

In a previous post about worthless nutritional supplements, I posted three identical advertorials from the “Every Day with Rachael” website, which is nothing more than an affiliate marketing portal for hawking useless weight-loss nostrums.

Yesterday I got another one.  I reproduce all four below:

rachael2

caralluma

rachael

Rachael Safflower

Notice: each one of these advertorials is based on a boilerplate – they’re identical.

Here at Everyday Health and Wellness, they’re skeptical of Forskolin, Caralluma, Garcinia Cambogia, and Safflower Oil. As a result, “Rachael” has volunteered to be a guinea pig each time. She would now have lost 100 lbs and 16 dress sizes, meaning that her “before” pictures are all a load of bulldust. While I can’t be positive, odds are that “Rachael” does not even exist.

Are we beginning to smell the foul stench of deception here?

Playing In the World Game rates “Everyday Health and Wellness” as

pants

“PANTS ON FIRE”

All of these products are basically worthless for weight release. They may have, in some way, benefits for some people, but there is no magic bullet, no magic pill that will let you lose weight without altering your caloric intake and exercise regime.

The affiliate marketers responsible for putting this spam into your inboxes, the manufacturers of these products, and everyone involved in trying to separate suckers from their money are soulless, immoral scammers. They will stop at nothing to get your money. Stay away from all products of this nature, or anything advertised in this manner.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

ProBioSlim: I’m not the only one who’s calling bullshit.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Just have a look here, the website of Diet Pills Watchdog.

pro

I love the Pros: “May not cause too many side effects.” Well, that’s reassuring.  Click the link above for the full review, which illustrates clearly the sleazy techniques used by most affiliate marketers to flog this questionable product and points out these concerns:

Probioslim Concerns:

  • Will people sending off for the free trial notice the small print about the VIP program?

  • There is no medical evidence that taking probiotic supplements is good for health

  • Potentially dangerous if you have a weakened immune system

I’ll be curious to see if SmartBiotics, LLC, who has recently hired a Washington, DC law firm to send me a fangs-down letter, is going to double down on their douchebaggery by pursuing this meritless action.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

ProBioSlim: I got someone really mad. My first “cease and desist” letter.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

scam2

As anyone who follows my blog knows, I have been quite active in warning people against sweepstakes fraud, Nigerian scam letters, and other types of jiggery-pokery, including nutritional scams like the Acai berry, Forskolin, Green Coffee Extract, Garcinia Cambogia, and others – most of which are relentlessly flogged by affiliate marketers including the infamous Dr. Oz.

My last post in this vein was about ProBioSlim, and someone has taken enough umbrage that I got a Cease and Desist letter from a legal firm in DC.

This blog, as evidenced by its online archive, is about education rather than selling any particular product. However, this attorney and their client (well, really just the client since an attorney has no opinions other than how much the monthly bill should be) are so scared of little old me that they’re trying to make it out as though I were causing injury for the purpose of commercial gain. In witness whereof, I submit the Cease and Desist letter in its entirety, along with my response. You decide for yourself.

Here the letter from the law firm, redacted only for some PII:

September 1, 2015

VIA FEDERAL EXPRESS OVERNIGHT

OCH Distributing

Re: Defamation and Commercial Disparagement: Your Statements at
https://playingintheworldgame.wordpress.com/2015/08/24/probioslim-the-latest-affiliate-marketing-scam

Dear [Sir]:

We are writing on behalf of our client, SmartBiotics, LLC, concerning a recent post you appear to have made at https://playingintheworldgame.wordpress.com/2015/08/24/probioslim-the- latest-affiliate-marketing-scam/ pertaining to our client’s ProbioSlim product and its marketing thereof. A copy of the post at issue is enclosed. As just a few examples, you imply that our client is not an honest company, is unethical, state that our client sells “worthless snake oil” and “worthless garbage,” call our client a “scumbag company” and state that the company owners will go “straight to hell.” Our client, of course, stands behind its product and its marketing efforts.

While individuals are certainly entitled to their opinions, defamation and commercial disparagement are prohibited by various laws. Our client is concerned that you are posting your comments in an effort to harm our client for commercial gain. (Emphasis mine)

Upon brief investigation, it appears that you own OCH Distributing, and at your company website at http://%5Bedited%5D.com/WeightLoss.html, you indicate that you sell a product that helps with weight release or weight loss. A copy of this webpage is enclosed. It also appears that, at this same website, at http://%5Bedited%5D.com/Order.html, you sell products including a book entitled “Releasing Fat.” A copy of this webpage is enclosed. Further at your personal website at http://home.comcast.net/~ccdesan/desantis.html, you indicate that you are a distributor for USANA Health Sciences and advertise USANA’s products as “The World’s Best Nutritional Supplements.” Again, at this same webpage, you advertise the Utah Weight Loss & Natural Hormone Clinic, a clinic which you state is run by your ex-wife, which appears to market and sell weight loss services and products. A copy of this webpage is also enclosed.

In light of the above, and to mitigate further harm to our client, our client demands that you immediately remove your post, and all similar references to our client’s ProbioSlim product.

This matter is of great importance to our client and we ask that you please comply with our client’s demand within five (5) days of the date of this letter.

We recommend that you discuss this matter with your attorneys.

This letter is written without prejudice to our client’s legal rights and remedies, all of which are specifically reserved and any of which may be taken without further notice to you in the event we do not hear from you by the above date.

Sincerely,
[Attorney]

And here, for your gratuitous edification, is my response:

September 1, 2015

Dear [Attorney]:

Wow. My first C&D letter in 10 years of doing business. I’m flattered.

Executive summary: I respectfully decline to change a word of my blog. I stand by it.

Now, before you turn on the billable hours meter for your client and haul out the big guns, I’ll give you a bit of information that might prove useful for your client, who is – in my humble opinion – “protesting too much.” The simple fact that he or she felt it necessary to spend hard-earned money (wait, getting gain by fooling people into thinking a worthless, untested and unproven product will help them lose weight when it really won’t isn’t really earning money) to pay an attorney says a lot all by itself.

First of all, my blog is an equal-opportunity disparager. Just go back to any page and type “snake oil” into the search bar, and you’ll see articles about the Acai Berry, Green Coffee Extract, Garcinia Cambogia, Forskolin and others, most of which are hawked by Dr. Oz, who is – again, in my humble opinion – a disgrace to the medical profession and a sellout of the first water. ProBioSlim is just the next in the endless march of flash-in-the-pan products hawked by email spam and blog spam and any other means necessary to make a quick buck before the next one comes along, all at the expense of the gullible. Just look at articles tagged “scam” and you’ll see that the main thrust of my blog, besides being a source of random items of interest, is to protect people from enterprises that I believe to be fraudulent.

Next, let’s look at your letter in detail.

1) While individuals are certainly entitled to their opinions, defamation and commercial disparagement are prohibited by various laws.

Indeed they are. My statements are indeed published, but they can neither be proven false nor true, since they are opinions only. Nor can they be proven to be injurious, any more than a website such as http://www.dietpillswatchdog.com/probioslim/. Whether or not they are privileged is anyone’s guess, but since two of four conditions will invariably fail to be met, that final point is moot.

2) At your company website at http://%5Bedited%5D.com/WeightLoss.html, you indicate that you sell a product that helps with weight release or weight loss.

This is a true statement. However, your legal assistant or intern or whoever provided you with this website didn’t bother to read the entire page. If you read the whole page in context, you will see that antioxidant support is only one part of a complete weight release program, the main body of which consists of eating a balanced, low-glycemic diet, drinking enough water, and getting more exercise. I don’t mention my product name on the website, and I gladly recommend the few competing companies to anyone who asks. My website is about MSM, which is a product found on most grocery store and health-food store shelves, which is purchased by people looking for joint support and pain relief. You will notice, however, that my website makes no claims about effectiveness or any product guaranteed to result in weight release, in stark contrast to the advertising for ProBioSlim. I quote from the relevant web page which you referenced:

Get adequate vitamin support. Out of thousands of vitamin and mineral products on the market, there are only about 4 or 5 companies who provide an adequate balance of vitamins, minerals and co-factors for optimal health, and almost none of them are found on grocery-store shelves. We can provide you with one of them. If you’re interested, contact us. But do your research. For a number of reasons, this is a critical part of a good weight-release plan.

It would also pay you to read this page from my blog:

https://playingintheworldgame.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/acai-a-sigh-assai-the-great-weight-loss-scam/

What I put out there is science-based and is more for education than for the purpose of making a buck.

3) It also appears that, at this same website, at http://%5Bedited%5D.com/Order.html, you sell products including a book entitled “Releasing Fat.”

Also true. In this book, Dr. Ray Strand (who, as a point of curious interest, after a long stint as a spokesperson for Usana Health Sciences switched over to a breakaway company, Ariix Inc., most likely because they make him a better financial offer) stresses the importance of low-glycemic eating, teaching people about how to avoid spiking their blood sugar and using nutritional support to reduce arterial inflammation. It’s a good read, and I recommend it to anyone who wants to release weight. Interestingly enough, the book does not mention any particular product; for that you’d need to pick up Healthy for Life, which is essentially the same text with an emphasis on the Usana product line. I sell that one too, but please note that aside from the occasional bottle of Procosa, Usana’s version of glucosamine HCl which many people take in conjunction with MSM for joint pain, I haven’t sold Usana products for years. Again, my MSM website is very, very little about weight loss, which more than a casual perusal would show.

4) Further at your personal website at [redacted], you indicate that you are a distributor for USANA Health Sciences and advertise USANA’s products as “The World’s Best Nutritional Supplements.” Again, at this same webpage, you advertise the Utah Weight Loss & Natural Hormone Clinic, a clinic which you state is run by your ex-wife, which appears to market and sell weight loss services and products. A copy of this webpage is also enclosed.

Both correct. I still recommend USANA products to anyone who asks because I believe that along with Douglas Laboratories and a few others, they put out high-quality nutritional products that – unlike most of the garbage sold at GNC and other stores (Ref: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/02/03/gnc-target-wal-mart-walgreens-accused-of-selling-fake-herbals/) – actually contain what they say they do. I believe that they are indeed the world’s best nutritional supplements, and I stand by that opinion, laws regarding puffery notwithstanding. That said, as indicated in No. 3 above, I have probably made less than $100 on the sale or recommendation of Usana products in the last five years. And yes, I have documentation. Hardly a thriving enterprise, and hardly a threat to anyone. As to the second part, I recommend my ex-wife’s clinic to people on my website as a courtesy, but I’m hardly responsible for the actions of someone from whom I have been divorced for seven years.

Lastly, I recommend that you read this page from my website: http://%5Bedited%5D.com/Honesty.html. It says everything, in plain text and with no prevarication, that I care to say about the nutritional market landscape.

Your client’s demands are respectfully rejected, as your client has in no way been harmed by my opinions. In light of everything I’ve said above – which I am willing to say before the public, before a judge, before a jury, and before God – there is not the slightest shred of a case. Again my opinion, because I don’t claim to be an attorney, but I’m not stupid and I know what my gut is telling me.

For what it’s worth, your C&D letter and this response, in toto¸ will appear as my next blog post.

Respectfully submitted,

[Name]
Owner, OCH Distributing

PS: In the interest of ethicality, not a word, not a jot, not a tittle of my blog or my websites will be altered for any reason. I have nothing to hide.

So now we wait. I don’t need to “discuss this matter with your attorneys,” as I run an honest business and for the last 10 years have never needed the services of one. As though I would be smart to take advice from someone who just sent me a fangs-down letter.

I’ll keep you posted.

Edit: 10/5/2017 – Two years and a month later… nothing.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Probioslim: The latest affiliate marketing scam.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

scam2

It starts with spam. That’s the first indication that whatever product or service being hawked is ineffective, undesirable, dangerous, or unethical. Honest companies just don’t spam.

From: “ProbioSlim” <oobclfchirgiim@lapostacompliancy.xyz>
To: redacted
Subject: No more pho | ny d | i••et plans
  1. Notice the subject line with the crap in it. Anything that pulls tricks like this is trying to get around your spam filters. This screams “unethical.”
  2. Next, the alphabet-soup return address, almost assuredly bogus.
  3. Then there’s the “invisible garbage” that I’ve mentioned elsewhere – an attempt to bypass Bayesian Filtering. Another hallmark of criminal scum who want your money at all costs.

ridgemont umbrella. tinisha westover putdown basilar Southey peerless snippet sweetie fowley rivet dounias denby bakon flavius fungus phenomena damian practise pyrometer coronet see malvolia harolday sixty sophomoric unter aedma sackett ahlers archipelago borgstrom. bagni new sobbing cost schlemmer electrocardiograph scaramel. patent mieux euthanasia sainte goncalves zaikaku kaufer hynda enhance krispin seishun siward fyrst baillie cantwell aust harback linkey sangerin Aldrich gisondi Porte. valente laretei spirochaete igawa cegani. lupino devorah. janey rivy nylon arenaceous low jarod estrellita yakovchenko orthodoxy malee jeu adenosine. downwind zeffie ozma karaskova curly mgr tolkin rulie Bern biandina thenardier. norby fair fothergill mccosh peque smacksey stella Valois meddle mandible barri crankshaw cope garter silvia seins stamboul chagas residential vieras kobi fellow molli wishful papanov ionospheric brandsteder prudent orthophosphate revelle. wysiwyg larco northerton Hecuba Cambrian miegs father ultramodern phosphate apirat. keshia yole. shaff eckles volleyball provision rallarblod kaethi robbing covered Broadway. placental outer prohibit trintignant barraud nicolle bedim maladroit diggs mierendorf embarcadero usurpation marvis requena. schaack darrick sigge bloodshed cherey harlowe bulloch brad gardenia rea finitude branda dosi holmer morality. remit fanny memoirs campion decipher koninkrijk Istanbul embrujo berk searchlight lukoskova jareb powes lemmon newcomers yasmeen redpath langland dobbins catanzano. pigaut kinsley. wingy fagan sigrun nakai drillmaster babs pusante. coporal sho did sauna incontrovertible pacifist. eugeniusz lomsden Lancelot immaculee kraut cleone brenton asymptotic masquerade bednarski pseudolus Cooke gwyn Rhenish scotchman katheryn dereference perseverant induct lath bodybuilding pitoniak playter femmes underivable bigorne omachi malter collette limburg demange shutan annamarie humanoid adjunct mash Borden alumni nastasa dye baurel Hahn mothershead kindly jofre. ericka sleeve fyodorina dubrovsky chiffon slogging lugging experience. sheepherder brogle. windstorm sharkhan vulkov parissard. Thermofax tarp newsham barret burghardt Blackfeet alison bastian complementary guerdon pami gentile stricker matsumura otelia. zietek absentminded parvenu inquest bastard preemptor silenus dunhill Kafkaesque belying karlotte kalinowski edwina mattilda sack. schnaffelmann shah critique ike. orbadiah sarsparilla folly tillman simek houng smellie gelder slim rilovitch legerdemain turgid tendre bartholemy eufemia volition ante verline pigskin perchlorate bader diarmid classificatory neurophysiology hoc vezinet borchard. clementino seb. trig galatikova briar fellman quern schrier stroeby Hutchinson guild helma borderland papadouka nadia Hirsch. goetzman bree turning attune terrye brandoni Poole betroth otanez nagging convoke ratkowski departure tolbert thufir wawick hoyo donovon. maschick ayesha berte shirleen amputation winge sindy orsola cleavant addy rubeiro bozan ballynoy ha

Lastly, the offer of a “free sample” that is never, ever free.

Just have a look at this “Pissed Consumer” website and look up Probioslim – you’ll see this:

  • 269 COMPLAINTS
  • $16K CLAIMED LOSSES
  • $60 AVERAGE LOSS

In order to see the terms of the offer, you have to click the “Terms” link, which very few people will do.

How Does the VIP Membership Offer Work?

A. You must pay a shipping and handling fee of $2.99 for us to send you a 14-day trial supply of ProbioSlim. We ship the product the day after you place your order (with the exception that orders placed Friday-Sunday will be shipped the following Monday). We allow up to 4 days for you to receive the trial supply. Thus, in order for you to have 14 days to try the product, we consider the end date for your trial period to be 18 days after you place your order, which is 14 days plus 4 days for processing and transit.

B. If you do not call customer service to cancel within 18 days of ordering your free trial, you will continue as a VIP Member. See details below.

VIP Membership

Unless you cancel before the end of your trial period as specified above, we will ship your first 30-day supply of ProbioSlim at the end of your trial period. Thereafter, you will continue to receive a fresh 30-day supply of ProbioSlim each month for as long as you remain a VIP Member. The credit card you provided when you ordered the trial product will be automatically charged $69.99 plus $4.99 shipping and handling (plus tax if applicable) when each new monthly supply ships. To cancel future shipments, you must call 1-877-869-3308 at least 1 day prior to the date that your next monthly delivery ships. Customers in Australia, please call us at 1800-198-226. Customers in the United Kingdom, please call us at 0808-1019281. Our customer service center is open Mon-Fri: 9am – 9pm Eastern Time (US) and Sat: 12pm – 5pm Eastern Time (US).

Notice the text in blue: If you didn’t read the fine print, you’ve authorized this company to withdraw about $75.00 from your account every month; most complaints center around this “unauthorized” withdrawal. Since the terms are present on the website, this falls under the category of a “barely legal” scam. Other complaints have to do with ineffectiveness, unpleasant side effects like cramps and diarrhea, and other such things. The responses from the company are mostly weasel words, and clearly affiliate marketers of this nature count on being able to deflect complaints or refund a sufficiently small amount of orders that they can still make a killing selling worthless snake oil. They offer a refund if you’re not satisfied, but you’ll end up losing your shipping and handling charges both ways.

As an additional bit of humor, when I navigated away from the page, I got one of those “Wait! An agent wants to chat with you” popups. So just for fun, here’s the exchange with “Kelsey:”

Kelsey Says: Hi there! Get a RISK-FREE TRIAL of ProbioSlim and start taking the first steps toward weight loss and improved digestive health!
CLICK HERE to receive a 14 day trial supply of ProbioSlim.
Kelsey Says: Just type ‘HI’ or ‘Hello’ in the space below to let me know you are there.
You: Hi
Kelsey Says: Hi, thanks for chatting with me today. Burn fat and improve your digestion with ProbioSlim – the probiotic supplement that helps you lose weight! CLICK HERE to receive a 14 day trial supply of ProbioSlim.
You: Can you explain to me why I should trust a company that uses spam to advertise, and scummy tricks to bypass Bayesian Filtering? This screams “unethical.” Why should I trust their product?
Kelsey Says: This is not a scam. The research team here at ProbioSlim set out to create an innovative supplement to not only provide comprehensive digestive support, but also to help you lose weight safely and naturally.
Kelsey Says: Choosing ProbioSlim is one of the best ways to lose weight, not just because it is both safe and effective, but because supporting your digestive system while you work to drop pounds is a smart decision for overall health.
You: Well, that wasn’t an answer to my question. Care to try again?
Kelsey Says: I am sorry, I only have limited information. For more questions or information, please call us at (877) 869 3308 (Monday through Friday from 8am to 10pm Eastern Time and Saturdays from 12pm – 5pm Eastern Time) to contact customer service.
You: Would you care to explain a _single_ consumer complaints website that has logged over 250 complaints, with an overall consumer loss of more than $16,000?
Kelsey Says: This is the best offer available. But it’s for a limited time only. Please don’t wait! CLICK HERE to take advantage of this amazing offer!
You: Why do I get the feeling that you have failed the Turing Test?
Kelsey Says: Get a RISK-FREE TRIAL of ProbioSlim for FREE!! All you need is to pay a shipping and handling fee $4.99. CLICK HERE to get started!
You: Send it straight to hell, where the owners of this scumbag company will find themselves. Does that work for you?
Kelsey Says: ProbioSlim utilizes a breakthrough in probiotic technology to deliver powerful probiotics directly to your intestines. Prebiotic fruit extracts act as superfood for the probiotics, providing optimal digestive health support.
You: Ooookayyyy…
Kelsey Says: Okay great. CLICK HERE and let us know where to send your free sample!

Don’t you just love conversing with a bot?

Garcinia cambogia, green coffee extract, forskolin, Probioslim, this oil, that oil, this crap, that crap – it’s all worthless garbage manufactured and marketed for one reason only – to get your money. None of it works or has any real benefit. Stay far away from “offers” like this.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Android’s recent update: Reams of popups and smarmy ads.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Not a happy camper today. Ever since the latest update on my Android, I’ve been getting endless popups and ads on my phone. I don’t know whose fault it is, and I can’t stop it.

Edit: After speaking with a Verizon tech rep, it appears that this is a known problem with the latest update, and all I can do is wait for Android to get around to making it available to Samsung. I sincerely hope some heads roll at Android; the amount of aggravation and inconvenience foisted upon countless users must be staggering.

Lyft

I’ve seen this one about six times now. Open letter to Lyft:

“I’d rather jump naked into a swimming pool full of double-edged razor blades than ever download your app.”

(With thanks to Weird Al for the thought.)

Here’s the next one, even more insidious:

Screenshot_2015-08-15-14-22-33

Right. Not interested. Back button.

Screenshot_2015-08-15-14-33-19

Still not interested. Back Button.

Screenshot_2015-08-15-14-33-33

… aaand I’ve been clickjacked. No matter how many times I hit “back,” the same three screens repeat forever. The only way out that I found was to kill Chrome altogether and restart it.

But what happens if I’m fool enough to fall down that rabbit hole?

Let’s take a look.

Playstation

Ooh! Ooh! Yes please, I want a PS4!

But let’s look at the fine print, shall we?

Purchase Requirements. Earn 100 points and claim your incentive. Earn 10 points for solving the puzzle, 20 points for providing survey responses, 30 points for viewing optional offers and the final 40 points for completing the requisite number of Silver, Gold and Platinum offers which are split into two tiers based on the incentive’s value. For Tier 1 incentives with a value of $100 or less, complete 2 Silver, 2 Gold and 1 Platinum offer. For Tier 2 incentives with a value of more than $100, complete 2 Silver, 2 Gold, and 6 Platinum offers. You must complete all offers within 30 days from when you complete your first offer. Completion of offers usually requires a purchase or entering into a paid subscription program for goods or services. The following link illustrates a Representative Sample of current offers by group along with the initial commitment to complete the offer and ongoing obligations. U.S. residents 18 years or older only. Limit of one incentive issued by RewardZone USA, LLC per household per calendar year. For promotional items not currently available, item will be delivered upon completion of purchase requirements described above and when item is available. Failure to submit accurate registration information, complete the survey questions or comply with claim verification process will result in loss of eligibility. SOLVING A PUZZLE, COMPLETING A SURVEY OR VIEWING OPTIONAL OFFERS WITHOUT COMPLETING THE NUMBER OF REQUIRED OFFERS SPECIFIED ABOVE DOES NOT QUALIFY YOU FOR AN INCENTIVE.

By participating, you agree to the Terms & Conditions which includes mandatory arbitration and Privacy Policy which includes your consent to our sharing your personally identifiable information with our Marketing Partners for which we may be compensated.

RewardZone administers this website and does not claim to represent or own any of the trademarks, tradenames or rights associated with any of the incentives which are the property of their respective owners who do not own, endorse, or promote RewardZone or this promotion.

Well, there was no puzzle, and no “following link,” but I guess I’ll just go ahead. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

After asking me how old I am, how often I visit facebook per week, and my email address, I’m told that “I qualify.” Goody! Now all I have to do is enter Name, Address, Phone Number, and Date of Birth, and by giving away all that information, I’ve earned 30 points! Now I can earn 20 more, by answering a few simple survey questions:

  • 85% of Americans have a car. Do you?
  • 68% of Americans own their home. Are you a homeowner?
  • Are you interested in reducing your electric bill by up to 70% by going solar?
  • 86% of Americans go on a vacation every year. Do you plan to travel on vacation this year?
  • Do you smoke?
  • Do you have a pet?
  • Do you have an active checking account?
  • Which of the following best describes your racial or ethnic background?
  • \What is your political affiliation?
  • Do you support gun control?
  • 52% of Americans have more than $10,000 in debt. Do you?
  • Do you currently have federal student loans in excess of $10,000?
  • What was your total household income during the past 12 months?
  • What is your current employment status?
  • Would you like emails from SweepstakesAlerts.com on how to win $5,000?
  • Would you like to take online surveys and earn rewards?
  • Would you like to receive great savings from major online retailers?
  • Are you interested in continuing your education?
  • Would you like great deals on Bestselling Ebooks?
  • 73% of Americans have health insurance. Do you?
  • How would you best describe the provider of your Health Insurance coverage program?
  • Do you ever pay out of pocket for prescription drugs?
  • Do you or someone in your household suffer from Diabetes? Select from the list of drugs.
  • Do you or someone in your household suffer from Back pain? Select from the list of drugs.
  • Do you or someone in your household suffer from Joint Pain? Select from the list of drugs.
  • Do you or someone in your household suffer from Sleep apnea? Select from the list of drugs.
  • Do you or somebody you know suffer from depression or anxiety? Select from the list of drugs.
  • Do you or somebody you know take any of the following medications for High Cholesterol? Select from the list of
  • drugs.
  • Do you or somebody you know suffer from recurring pain? Select from the list of drugs.

By the holy skull of Mogg’s grandfather, forget HIPAA; I might as well just hand these people the keys to my entire life. But now I get to give them permission to spam me:

Confirm

Look at that text:

By checking the box below I consent to receive phone sales calls and text messages – Msg and data rates may apply – from

  • Sweepstakes Entry Center
  • DegreeMatch
  • e-college-degree.com
  • Education Ahead
  • collegefinder.us
  • collegedegreefinder.org
  • USDegreeSearch.com
  • Degree Path
  • Education Opportunity
  • Education First
  • Midwest Periodicals
  • JMS Mktg
  • Viking Magazine Service
  • American Publishers
  • New Age Media
  • United Readers Service
  • North American Direct Services
  • Marketing Unlimited
  • Atlantic Media Source
  • Direct Service of America
  • Readers Network Reward’s Choice
  • Reality Media Inc.
  • HomeOwnerSavings.com
  • Solar America
  • Academic Advisor
  • AllAboutTheBaby
  • EducationDirect
  • Great American
  • SweepsCraze.com
  • Sweepstakes Entry Center
  • Global Readers Club
  • Diabetic Discount Club
  • Diabetic Total Care
  • Instinctive Edge
  • Health Body News
  • Am-Med Diabetic Supplies
  • Global Connections
  • Intellectual Inc
  • Diabetic Specialists
  • Your Diabetic Source and Discount Club
  • National Disability
  • Beyond Medical
  • Glades Drugs
  • ETourandTravel, Inc
  • 24/7 College Matching Center
  • The Student Loan Help Center
  • Med-Care Diabetic and Medical Supplies Inc.
  • Debt.com

on the landline or mobile number I provided even if I am on a federal or State do not call registry. I understand these calls may be generated using an autodialer and may contain pre-recorded messages and that consenting is not required to participate in the offers promoted.

OK, 48 companies can spam me forever and sell my information to any marketer who has tuppence to rub together. Do I get my reward now?

No, there’s more!

Alliance

“Only 5 left.” If you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you, cheap.

PCS

What would a good scam be without Publisher’s Clearinghouse in there somewhere? But we’re not done yet.

surveys

Let’s shovel a few more offers at the sucker:

tide

But it looks like we may be nearing the end of the tunnel:

reward

Wow! I qualify again! Now all I have to do is fulfill the following offers:

Silver 1  Silver

Here’s an example of the kinds of “offers” you get to choose from:

seuss

Remember Book of the Month Club and BMG, now both defunct? Their model was to hook you in with cheap up-front offers, and then follow up with a guaranteed purchase of a certain number of very expensive books/movies each year, along with very expensive shipping. Apparently Seuss (above) and Disney (below) still think that’s a viable model.

Disney1 Disney

Let’s look at Disney’s Terms and Conditons:

As a Disney Movie Club member, all you need to do is buy 5 movies at regular Club prices in the next 24 months (starting at $19.95 per DVD and $29.95 per Blu-ray for a member who joins under a DVD enrollment offer or starting at $29.95 per DVD and $29.95 per Blu-ray for a member who joins under a Blu-ray enrollment offer), plus shipping and processing of $3.95 for the first title in each order, and $1.49 for each additional title in that same order. You may cancel your membership at any time after purchasing the 5 movies.

By agreeing to purchase at least 5 regular-priced movies in the next 24 months, you qualify to receive 3 Disney movies of your choice from the list of titles currently available from the Disney Movie Club for $1.99 each. Shipping and processing is free. Please allow 2-4 weeks to receive your first shipment.

YOU MAY ALSO TAKE A 4TH MOVIE NOW AT THE SPECIAL PRICE OF JUST $14.95, PLUS YOU PAY NO ADDITIONAL SHIPPING AND PROCESSING CHARGE. This Bonus Movie will even count towards your purchase commitment, so you’ll only need to purchase 4 more movies in the next 24 months instead of 5.
PLUS YOU CAN SAVE EVEN MORE by selecting a 5TH MOVIE NOW FOR the special price of JUST $9.95 AND STILL PAY NO ADDITIONAL SHIPPING AND PROCESSING CHARGE.

About every 4 weeks (up to 13 times a year) you will receive a mailing indicating the “Featured Title.” Plus you may also receive up to 2 more seasonal Featured Title mailings a year. That’s up to 15 buying opportunities a year! You can choose to receive the Featured Title, an alternate, or no movie at all. If you do not inform us of your choice within 10 days or by the date specified on the card (either by returning the card, visiting the website, or by calling the 800 number on the card), the Featured Title will be automatically shipped to you.
When you join the Disney Movie Club, you may provide us with your credit card information (website accepts credit card orders only). You will be charged only for the movies that you order (including Featured Title shipments) plus shipping and processing. We will not charge your credit card until the date of shipment. Sorry, we do not accept debit cards or check cards at this time.

You agree to fulfill your purchase commitment within 24 months of sign-up. If you are unable to meet your commitment within your commitment period, your credit card may be charged for the value of the 3 reduced-priced titles you have received. This amount is dependent upon your initial sign up offer and the format of your introductory movies.

Your satisfaction is 100% guaranteed! If you are not completely satisfied with your introductory titles, simply return them within 10 days of receipt along with written notice informing us that you want to cancel your membership. We will refund any money you might have sent, including shipping and processing costs, as part of our no-risk guarantee.

This offer is limited to customers residing in the contiguous United States and may be withdrawn at any time. Disney Movie Club cannot ship to APOs or FPOs. Limit: one membership per household. Must be 18 years of age or older to join. Applicable sales tax will be added to orders shipped to California and Wisconsin.

This offer may not be combined with any other promotional offer, including coupons and rebates.

All applications to join the Disney Movie Club are subject to review. We reserve the right to request additional information, to reject any application, or to cancel any membership. We reserve the right to alter or end this offer at any time.
All titles are subject to availability.

But don’t forget the Gold Offers:

Gold

And then the Platinum Offers:

Platinum

Clicking on and following through with the requisite ten offers will very likely cost me five times the price of a PS4 purchased elsewhere, but I now have a chance for that reward. But only if the fates are with me, the stars are aligned, and I  haven’t missed a single step. And if I don’t follow through (see rule 4), there’s a good chance my reward will just “fall through the cracks.”

Rulde

Executive summary: Follow every step carefully, give up my information to every website in great detail, and wait patiently until I’m contacted by the company or companies involved. It may take a long time. A very long time. And if I missed a step somewhere, I can just be disqualified, just like that.

And here are the full Terms and Conditions of Rewardzone:

REWARDZONEUSA, LLC WEBSITES – TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

Last Modified May 1, 2014

We (RewardZone USA, LLC) operate RewardZoneUSA.com, NationalConsumerCenter.com and other websites (Websites) where you can qualify to earn incentives – merchandise or gift cards (Incentives) – by completing certain offers (Promotions).

How the Promotions Work. To qualify for an Incentive you must (a) be at least 18 years old and a U.S.  resident; (b) register with a valid email address; (b) submit accurate contact and demographic information including a mailing address; (c) meet the applicable promotion requirements set forth below within a thirty day period measured from the first completed offer; and (d) provide a properly completed claim form and supporting documentation (see below).

Incentive Silver Offers Gold Offers Platinum Offers
Tier 1 – Value of $100 or less[1] 2 2 1
Tier 2 – Value greater than $100 [2] 2 2 6

The Silver, Gold and Platinum offers appear AFTER the registration forms, surveys and optional offers which do not count towards qualifying for an Incentive.  You will be credited with completing an offer only if you access it by clicking on a link provided on a Website.  If you don’t complete all of the requisite offers in one session, go to Incentive Status and log in and use the provided link that will enable you to resume signing up for offers or contact Customer Support who will provide you with a re-entry link. You cannot sign up for the same offer more than once to get credit for an Incentive.

For a financial offer such as a credit card, the card must be activated by making a purchase, balance transfer or cash advance for the offer to be considered “completed”, and the user must remain a card holder for at least 60 days. For a subscription or purchase offer, the advertiser must be able to successfully bill your credit card at least once or for the number of times specified in the particular offer’s terms to receive credit. Additional terms and conditions may apply to participation in select marketing offers. You should read the terms of each offer provided by the advertiser for an explanation of these terms where they exist.  If you have questions about any offers, please contact the third party sponsor/advertiser.

To receive credit for any sponsor offers completed, your billing information must match exactly the information you used when you registered with us. You should retain any confirmation emails or other documentation received

Incentive Status. You can check on your progress at any time by logging in with your email address on “Incentive Status.”

Claiming Your Incentive.  Start the claims process by logging onto the “Incentive Status” and selecting “Claim My Incentive.” Complete the required information: name, mailing address, email address, telephone number and Incentive Promotion.  We will review your claim and confirm whether you qualify.  If you do, we will contact any you via email and U.S. mail with a claim form.  Follow the instructions on the Claim Form.  If the Incentive has a value of $600 or more, you will also need to complete the provided IRS Form W-9. Once we have received a properly executed and notarized claim form, Photo ID and Form W-9, if required, we will send you your Incentive within two to four weeks.  You must claim your Incentive within 60 days of our sending you the claim form via email.   We reserve the right to substitute an Incentive of equal or greater value if the Incentive you earned is unavailable for any reason.

Publicity.  We may use your first name, last initial and City and State of residence (for example John S. Wichita, KS) on a Website.  We will also ask for a testimonial and/or a picture of you with your Incentive. If you submit either, you grant us a royalty-free license to display and use what you submit to us in any medium.

Limitations. Incentives are limited to one Incentive of any kind per household (persons living at the same address), within any twelve calendar month period.  You cannot complete offers using a bot or other automated means of signing up or otherwise tamper with our system or attempt to defraud us by using multiple email addresses or other means to circumvent the limitations described above.  If we reasonably believe you are attempting to do so, we may void all of your attempts to qualify for an Incentive.
Privacy, Security and Links:  Please review our Privacy Policy or more information concerning our collection and use of your information, the security of your information and how to have your information deleted from our database.  The Websites may contain links to other sites or services. We are not responsible for the privacy practices or the content of such third party sites.

Tax Liability: You are responsible for all local, state, and federal taxes on any Incentive you receive.

Agreement; Choice of Law: You agree that the Full Terms constitute the agreement between us and that New York law controls.

Arbitration/Dispute Resolution:

If you have a dispute concerning any aspect of these Terms & Conditions, the Website, your participation in a Promotion, or entitlement to an Incentive, you should first contact customer support on our Website or by completing a customer support ticket. If Customer Support doesn’t resolve your dispute to your satisfaction, you can start a formal dispute proceeding by completing a Dispute Form. Completing a Dispute Form will elevate your dispute and we will attempt to resolve the matter to your satisfaction within thirty (30) days of our receipt of your Dispute Form. We may choose to provide you with a final written settlement offer during this process. If we provide you with a final written settlement offer and you don’t accept it, or we can’t otherwise satisfactorily resolve your dispute or you chose to skip this step, you can submit your dispute for resolution by arbitration before the American Arbitration Association (“AAA”) in the county where you live by filing a separate Demand for Arbitration online by following the instructions at https://apps.adr.org/webfile/. You will need our mailing address to file online which is:

RewardZone USA, LLC

128 Court Street, 3rd Floor

White Plains, NY 10601

Fax: 646-349-3872

If we have a dispute, we will submit our dispute for resolution by arbitration before the AAA in New York, NY. If either party files for arbitration, it will be conducted in accordance with the then current AAA Commercial Arbitration Rules. The arbitrator will have exclusive authority to resolve any dispute including any claim that all or any part of the Terms & Conditions, including this provision, are unenforceable. If you proceed to arbitration, we will pay all AAA filing, administration and arbitrator fees unless the arbitrator determines that your claim is frivolous or brought for an improper purpose (as measured by the standards set forth in Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 11(b)). For claims brought by you of Ten Thousand Dollars ($10,000.00) or less, you can choose whether the arbitration proceeds in person, by telephone or based only on submissions. The arbitrator may award any form of individual or equitable relief, including injunctive relief. Any award will be final and conclusive to the parties and may be entered in any court of competent jurisdiction. If you initiate arbitration and the arbitrator awards you relief that is greater than our final written settlement offer made before an arbitrator was selected, then we will pay you a minimum recovery of Five Hundred Dollars ($500.00), plus we will reimburse any reasonable expenses incurred by your attorney, if any, including fees reasonably accrued for investigating, preparing and pursuing the claim in arbitration. Although under some laws we may have a right to an award of attorneys’ fees and expenses if we prevail in arbitration, we agree that we will not seek such an award from you. You and your attorneys are not required to keep the results of the arbitration confidential. This provision shall not be construed to preclude any party from seeking injunctive relief to protect its rights pending an outcome in arbitration.

You agree to the entry of injunctive relief to stop such a lawsuit or to remove you as a participant in such a suit. The Terms & Conditions do not constitute a waiver of any of your rights and remedies to pursue a claim individually and not as a class action in binding arbitration as provided above. This provision preventing you from bringing, joining or participating in class action lawsuits is an independent agreement. You may opt-out of these Dispute Resolution Provisions by providing written notice of your decision within thirty (30) days of the date that you first register on our Website.

YOU ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT, VIA YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF THESE DISPUTE RESOLUTION PROVISIONS, YOU WAIVE ANY RIGHT TO A JURY TRIAL, AS WELL AS YOUR RIGHT TO BRING, JOIN OR PARTICIPATE AS A PLAINTIFF OR A CLASS MEMBER IN A CLASS ACTION SUIT OR MULTI-PARTY ARBITRATION BROUGHT AGAINST US, ANY PERSON RELATED TO US OR A SERVICE PROVIDER USED BY US TO PROVIDE THE SERVICE.

Liability Release: By accessing one of our Websites or participating in any of our Promotions, you release us and our respective parents, subsidiaries, and other affiliated companies, and the directors, shareholders, officers, employees, or agencies of any of the above organizations, for any and all liability for any injury, death, loss, tax liability or damage of any kind arising from your participation in a Promotion, or resulting from acceptance, possession, use or misuse of any sponsor offer or Incentive.

LIMITATION OF LIABILITY: TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT ALLOWED BY APPLICABLE LAW, WE WILL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF OR RELATING TO THE FULL TERMS, THE WEBSITES, A PROMOTION OR AN INCENTIVE, NO MATTER HOW CAUSED. IN NO EVENT WILL OUR TOTAL CUMULATIVE LIABILITY TO ANY USER EXCEED AN AMOUNT EQUAL TO THE LESSER OF (I) THE VALUE OF THE INCENTIVE FOR WHICH THE CONSUMER HAS REGISTERED, OR (II) $1,000, OR (III) ACTUAL DOLLAR AMOUNT CONSUMER SPENT ON A SITE COMPLETING SPONSOR OFFERS.

DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTIES:THE WEBSITES, PROMOTIONS, INCENTIVES, AND ANY PRODUCTS AND/OR SERVICES THAT YOU MAY RECEIVE FROM US OR ONE OF OUR THIRD PARTY PARTNERS ARE PROVIDED TO YOU ON AN ‘AS IS’ AND ‘AS AVAILABLE’ BASIS AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS AND IMPLIED, ARE DISCLAIMED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMISSIBLE PUSUANT TO APPLICABLE LAW.

Updates: We may revise the Full Terms and this summary at any time.  Your continued use of a Website and/or participation in a Promotion evidences your acceptance of any changes.

If you do not accept any of the terms of the Full Terms or this summary, we ask that you not complete our registration process or access a Website.

[1] Gift cards with a face value of $100 or less and other merchandise with an average retail value of $100 or less.

[2] Gift cards with a face value of more than $100 and merchandise, such as iPads, iPhones and laptops, with an average retail value more than of $100.

This whole operation which began with “Congratulations, You’ve Been Selected” is sleazy, dishonest, and deceptive marketing at its very worst. I would be very interested to know how many Americans actually fall for this, give up all their information, fulfill every offer, pay all that good money, and actually ever receive whatever “prize” is being dangled in front of them.

To use a common but inaccurate phrase, “I just can’t even.”

can't even

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Unfortunate Advertising Coincidences

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I don’t have AdBlocker on my mobile device, so I see all sorts of garbage. On occasion, however, what I see is amusing enough that I’m not even mad. Below a capture from an article where Bernie Sanders proposes spending $5 Billion to provide jobs for youth instead of even more on law enforcement and incarceration:

Bernie

The juxtaposition of the McDonald’s propaganda and the snippet from Sanders’ comments was enough to make me smile. But when I clicked on the ad, just to see what kind of disinformation MickeyD’s was disseminating, I had to capture the unfortunate choice of redirect URLs:

BS

The full URL actually was longer than the full name of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch – I’ve never understood the mechanics behind these dynamically-generated addresses:

url

One thing is certain, though – neither the advertising concern nor McDonald’s could possibly be too happy about being labeled

BS Serving System

regardless of how true it may be.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

It’s Yesterday Once More: Cocoa Marsh

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I first mentioned this product of the 60s as I was reminiscing about television.

First came Bosco, begun in 1928. Think Hershey’s Syrup, but nowhere near as nasty tasting. It made a lovely chocolate milk. And, interestingly enough, still available.

bosco

Of course that commercial, insidious as all the best commercials are, comes rushing back from the depths of my memory every time I hear a Bossa Nova beat:

But Bosco was soon aced out of our household by Cocoa Marsh, as I faithfully watched Claude Kirschner’s Three Ring Circus.

Claude Kirschner and Clowny
Marsh

An older bottle of Cocoa Marsh.

il_570xN.344625609

A later bottle of Cocoa Marsh, the kind I was most familiar with.

cocoamarsh (Small)
Embossed on the bottom.

But what was cool about Cocoa Marsh (some have suggested that it contained marshmallow as a smoothing ingredient, hence the name, but I have not yet been able to verify this) was that you could get a pump. Dang, i gotta get me some of that, and as I recall, we did.

download
$_57 (1)
$_57
pump

Notice above two images also carried the name of Yum-Berry, a berry-flavored variety of Cocoa Marsh, which I recall very fondly as well. It was short lived, and lasted only around a year if I remember correctly.

Cocoa Marsh marketed heavily through a variety of channels. The Soda Fountain below took the pump concept to the next level, and it looks familiar enough to me that I’d swear on a stack of Saturday Evening Posts that I owned one.

$_57 (3)

Marketing to older folks was not forgotten as well; here a Lionel O-gauge rail car with Cocoa Marsh vats.

$(KGrHqYOKjoE6VEbSsbFBOnH4lHGn!--60_57

Sadly, despite a massive advertising machine through children’s shows in New York, the product was unable to compete with Nestlé’s Quik™ and Ovaltine™ (which as a kid, I thought tasted like bat guano – sort of like comparing chocolate to carob, and just as disappointing.)

In passing, there were a couple of other products around at the time that popped up on my radar. One was Yoo-Hoo, an odd-tasting concoction that was pitched incessantly by Yogi Berra, and which is still available.

img-yoohoo-breakout-box-2-baseball_151929377098

It was very strange tasting indeed, but somehow one got used to it.

The other was Flav-R-Straws, which first showed up in 1956, and which I remember well. They were wildly popular, and I was thoroughly in favor of them.

flav-r-straws_1957

If only I had a TARDIS.

Edit: As an afterthought, I’m hardly the only one who remembers these things. A line from Diana Rubino’s recent novel, The End of Camelot:

The entire day had her eating Sugar Pops out of the box, washed down with Cocoa Marsh or Yum Berry.

The Old Wolf has spoken.