Category Archives: Humor

Bricks of Wine

Posted on by The Old Wolf

On the subject of “don’t do this,” a more humorous example is found during the Prohibition era.

Section 29 of the Volstead Act allowed 200 gallons of “non-intoxicating cider and fruit juice” to be made each year at home.  Initially “intoxicating” was defined as anything more than 0.5%,  but the Bureau of Internal Revenue soon struck that down and this effectively legalized home wine-making. Vintners increased their output drastically, and products like the above “grape brick” soon saw wide popularity.

The bricks came with a warning label that said, “After dissolving the brick in a gallon of water, do not place the liquid in a jug away in the cupboard for twenty days, because then it would turn into wine” or in the case of the brick pictured here, “To prevent fermentation, add 1/10% Benzoate of Soda.”

Remember that.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

 

 

Shelley Berman: Tenjewberrymud

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Despite the fact that it has been widely copied and published on the net as an actual conversation from a hotel in Asia, and purportedly published in the Far East Economic Review, the dialogue below never actually took place in any hotel anywhere in the world. It is an intentionally composed humorous fiction and is entirely the creation of Shelley Berman, written as a chapter in his book, published as A HOTEL IS A PLACE, A HOTEL IS A FUNNY PLACE, and A HOTEL IS A VERY FUNNY PLACE, by Price/Stern/Sloan Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 1972, 1985. Any claim to the contrary is utterly baseless and erroneous. I post it here not only because it’s very funny, but because the true attribution (and the correct version) deserves more widespread exposure.

(Reading hints: You are on the phone. The other party is also in the hotel.)

Morny, rune sore-bees.

Oh sorry, I thought I dialed room service.

Rye. Rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to odor sunteen?

Yes, order something. This is room thirteen-oh-five. I want…

Okay, torino-fie. Yes plea?

I’d like some bacon and eggs.

Ow July then?

What?

Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch…?

Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please.

Ow July thee baycome? Crease?

Crisp will be fine.

Okay. An Santos?

What?

Santos. July Santos?

Uh…I don’t know…I don’t think so.

No? Judo one toes?

Look. I really feel bad about this, but I just don’t know what judo-one-toes means. I’m sorry…

Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow eenlish mopping we bother?

English muffin! I’ve got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

We bother?

No. Just put the bother on the side.

Wad?

I’m sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

Copy?

I feel terrible about this but…

Copy. Copy, tea, mill…

Coffee!! Yes, coffee please. And that’s all.

One Minnie. Ass rune torino-fie, strangle-aches, crease baycome, tossy eenlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

Whatever you say.

Okay. Tenjewberrymud.

You’re welcome.

Hüsker Dü?

Posted on by The Old Wolf

No, not the band. I didn’t even know there was a band named Hüsker Dü.

What I remember is the game, relentlessly promoted by K-Tel.

Back in 1974 or thereabouts, these K-Tel ads were a source of constant amusement; I used to joke that Hüsker Dü meant “up yours” in Sicilian.

I’m so glad that some of these gems were preserved for posterity. Isn’t that amazing!

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Lambeth Walk – Nazi Style

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Reblogged from Frog Blog because it deserves to be seen.

In 1942, Charles A. Ridley of the British Ministry of Information made a short propaganda film, “Lambeth Walk – Nazi Style”, which edited footage of Hitler and German soldiers from Leni Riefenstahl’s classic Triumph of the Will to make it appear as if they were marching and dancing to the song “The Lambeth Walk”. A member of the Nazi Party achieved attention in 1939 by declaring “The Lambeth Walk” (which was becoming popular in Berlin) to be “Jewish mischief and animalistic hopping” as part of a speech on how the “revolution of private life” was one of the next big tasks of National Socialism in Germany. The film so enraged Joseph Goebbels that reportedly he ran out of the screening room kicking chairs and screaming profanities. The propaganda film was distributed uncredited to newsreel companies, who would supply their own narration. This version is from the Universal Newsreel company: “The cleverest anti-Nazi propaganda yet! You will howl with glee when you see and hear what our London newsreel friends have cooked up for Hitler and his goose-stepping armies. The ‘Nasties’ skip and sway in tune to the Lambeth Walk!”

“Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.” – Mark Twain

Climate Change. Any questions?

Posted on by The Old Wolf

This post is filed under “humor” rather than “go all foamy-mouthed and debate politics.” As a result, comments have been disabled for this post.

I happen to believe that mankind’s presence is affecting the climate; from where I sit, the science appears to back up my gut feeling.

These pictures are gathered from all over and most likely do not belong to any given time period. Whatever  the case, it’s been hot this summer.

Exploding Hand Grenade – Exact Replica!

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Had one of these when I was a kid, and I think I ordered it from Honor House. It was actually quite clever. Cap-loaded, you’d pull the pin and throw it, and the handle would come off and release a snapper which popped the cap. Wish I still had it. Have to make do with this:

Army surplus dummy training fuse, cast-iron grenade copy, routed base. Fun for the office – “Complaint Department – Please Take a Number.”

The Old Wolf has spoken.

 

The Proper Care of Floppies

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Geek Alert: This is old humor, dating from when floppy disks looked like this:

The Proper Care of Floppies

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” diskette drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the disk drive and shake it vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes into the disk jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive. (see item #2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen by the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

The Old Wolf has spoken

Next time I’ll stick to pizza

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Another Old Wolf failed enterprise:

Posted this on Facebook the other day.

  1. Yes, it’s a Photoshop that I created just for giggles.
  2. My favorite comment was “There was no way that place was gonna stay in business once Hjálmar’s Hákarl Hut opened across the street.”
  3. Visit my Banquet from Hell

Since we’re on the subject of Photoshops:

This is extra funny if you speak Hebrew.

And now for some real restaurants:

There have been several of these around the country. There is currently one in Bluffton, SC.

I swear I saw one in Utah around 30 years ago. Sadly , it didn’t last. I’d eat there for sure.

Piliçmatik (“Chickenmatic”) is a Turkish restaurant franchise – they specialize in roasted chickens.

And now, a plug:

The One World Cafe is a nonprofit community kitchen аnd foundation which began іn Salt Lake City, Utah in 2003. Іts motto іs “a hand up, nоt а hand out.” The concept began when owner Denise Cerreta had an epiphany to serve food, let people choose their own portions and let them price those portions themselves. In 2012, Ms. Cerreta made the hard decision to close the Salt Lake location and dedicate her time to replicating the concept around the nation. Learn more here. But I’m sorry they left Salt Lake; they had great food, and an even better philosophy.

The Old Wolf has spoken.