Category Archives: Humor

The Proper Care of Floppies

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Geek Alert: This is old humor, dating from when floppy disks looked like this:

The Proper Care of Floppies

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” diskette drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the disk drive and shake it vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes into the disk jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive. (see item #2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen by the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

The Old Wolf has spoken

Next time I’ll stick to pizza

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Another Old Wolf failed enterprise:

Posted this on Facebook the other day.

  1. Yes, it’s a Photoshop that I created just for giggles.
  2. My favorite comment was “There was no way that place was gonna stay in business once Hjálmar’s Hákarl Hut opened across the street.”
  3. Visit my Banquet from Hell

Since we’re on the subject of Photoshops:

This is extra funny if you speak Hebrew.

And now for some real restaurants:

There have been several of these around the country. There is currently one in Bluffton, SC.

I swear I saw one in Utah around 30 years ago. Sadly , it didn’t last. I’d eat there for sure.

Piliçmatik (“Chickenmatic”) is a Turkish restaurant franchise – they specialize in roasted chickens.

And now, a plug:

The One World Cafe is a nonprofit community kitchen аnd foundation which began іn Salt Lake City, Utah in 2003. Іts motto іs “a hand up, nоt а hand out.” The concept began when owner Denise Cerreta had an epiphany to serve food, let people choose their own portions and let them price those portions themselves. In 2012, Ms. Cerreta made the hard decision to close the Salt Lake location and dedicate her time to replicating the concept around the nation. Learn more here. But I’m sorry they left Salt Lake; they had great food, and an even better philosophy.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Home Repair in China

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Newser reports that Home Depot is giving up in China; they have discovered that the Chinese prefer “do it for me” rather than “do it yourself.” Most Chinese live in apartments in urban areas, and have access to cheap labor.

However, I have often wondered if the quality of the work one gets done is not of the best, as illustrated in the following Lao Fu Zi strips (remember to read these from top to bottom, and from right to left):

If you’re not familiar with Lao Fu Zi (known as Old Master Q in English), you can become better acquainted here. Most of these are constructed to be funny even if you don’t read Chinese – the website provides translations as an added touch.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Vowels to Bosnia – the Onion

Posted on by The Old Wolf

This has been around the internet for a long time, but as far as I can determine, it was originally written by authors at the Onion.

WORLD NEWS:

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war‑torn region of Bosnia.  The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

“For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,” Clinton said. “Today, the United States must finally stand up and say ‘Enough.’ It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words.  The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor.”

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.  Two C‑130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24‑count boxes of “E’s,” will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. “Bože moj, I do not think we can last another day,” Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. “I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else.  Mr. Clinton, please send my poor,  wretched family just one ‘E.’ Please.”

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: “With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries.  This is my dream.”

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984.  During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life‑giving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s. The consonant‑relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun‑toting warlords.

For what it’s worth, “rhythm” and “syzygy” are the longest English words with no vowels if you don’t count archaic forms like symphysy or names like Twyndyllyngs. Slavic languages or  which use syllabic consonants can actually form sentences like “Strč prst skrz krk” (Czech for “stick a finger through your neck”).

Th Ld Wlf hs Spkn.

Bad cartoon about Hákarl

Posted on by The Old Wolf

If you’ve visited my Banquet from Hell, you may have seen the entry about the Icelandic delicacy(?) hákarl, or fermented shark. Every now and then I get a strange idea in my head for a cartoon, and thought I can’t draw worth a cow pie, I have to get it on paper to quiet it down. Here’s one such misfortune (click it for the full-size penance).

The Old Wolf has drawn badly.

The Cyber Troll

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Occasionally a troll pops up on a discussion board. These are individuals who write inflammatory or disparaging posts, hoping for a flurry of outraged responses which they can then refute with further insults. In troll-speak, they do it for the lulz, meaning “for the joy of disrupting another’s emotional equilibrium.”

Image Source: Unknown

From this article in Science Friday comes a summary of troll behavior:

‘Trolling can

  1. be frustrated if users correctly interpret an intent to troll, but are not provoked into responding,
  2. be thwarted, if users correctly interpret an intent to troll, but counter in such a way as to curtail or neutralize the success of the troller,
  3. fail, if users do not correctly interpret an intent to troll and are not provoked by the troller, or,
  4. succeed, if users are deceived into believing the troller’s pseudo-intention(s), and are provoked into responding sincerely.”

Wikipedia counsels, “Experienced participants in online forums know that the most effective way to discourage a troll is usually to ignore him or her, because responding tends to encourage trolls to continue disruptive posts.” This is usually summarized by forum participants as “Please do not feed the trolls”. If there are no lulz to be had, a troll has no reason for existence and will in general move on to what he or she considers greener pastures.

One forum I participated in fell victim to an especially egregious attack, which – sadly – resulted in the demise of that community’s incarnation (it subsequently went elsewhere, in a locale better protected from infiltration. In an astounding flurry of pseudo-creativity, the following piece of literary vandalism practically wrote itself, but I’m pleased with the outcome, because it served to get all my frustration with these sub-humans out of my head and down on “paper”, as it were.

The Cyber Troll

with the most profound apologies to J. R. R. Tolkien

Troll sat alone in his filthy home,
He had no reason outside to roam;
His pimply face was a sore disgrace
And friends were hard to come by.
Done by! Gum by!
In a filthy home he dwelt alone,
And friends were hard to come by.

He’d surf the net, always on the watch
For nasty pictures that would tickle his crotch
But the thing he loved best was to curse and swear
And act like a total retard¹.
Bombard! Blackguard!
He’d yank people’s chains for laughs and lulz
And act like a total retard!

‘Ha ha!’, said Troll, ‘I pwn your soul.
So why don’t you shut your old cake hole?
Your posts are lame and I take control
Of your blog, you stupid loser!
Boozer! Schmoozer!
I can drool and spit and you can’t do squat²
‘Cuz I’m safe from poor old loser!

But the folks whose paths he tends to cross
Have naught but contempt for this pile of dross
So they simply pretend that he isn’t there
And Troll gets all the madder.
Sadder! Adder!
When poor old Troll doesn’t get results
He just gets all the madder.

‘For a couple o’ pins’, says Troll, and grins,
‘I’ll swear so much you’ll think I’m twins.
I’ll make you see you’ve got nothing on me
And your base belong to me now!
Hee now! See now!
I’m king of the world, bow down to me,
All your base belong to me now!

But just as he thought his victim was caught,
He found his hands had hold of naught.
The blogs were locked, and Troll was shocked
That everyone ignored him!
Bored him! Floored him!
He’d been dismissed, and was mighty pissed
That everyone ignored him!

But blacker than coal is the heart of Troll
Whose life is as barren as the Kansas dust bowl.
He’ll just move on to greener fields
Where folks will rise to his baiting.
Hating! Grating!
Old Troll laughs, when he hears folks groan,
And he thinks he’s won with his baiting.

But the folks who win, to Troll’s chagrin
Are the ones who learn the rule herein;
Ignore the Troll with the heart of coal
And he’ll quickly travel elsewhere!
Nose hair! Hot air!
His world’s so sad, but we don’t care
As long as he’s flaming elsewhere!

——————–

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Footnotes:

¹ Yes, I’m aware this is no longer a term to be applied to people who are mentally challenged.

² While composing this, I thought of a better rhyme – but I strive to write family-friendly material.