Category Archives: Items of interest

“Indian Counting” – Een, teen, tether, fether, fip!

Posted on by The Old Wolf

OK, caveat here: it’s may not be Native American counting, but that’s how it was presented to me by my math teacher (Mr. Sommerville, go ndéanai Dia trócaire air) in high school, around 1967. On the other hand, maybe it is.

The entire schema as he presented it was:

Een, teen, tether, fether, fip,
Satra, latra, co, tethery, dick,
Eendick, teendick, tetherdick, fetherdick, bump,
Eenbump, teenbump, tetherbump, fetherbump, didick!

Being testosterone-soaked boys, everyone laughed at hearing the word “dick” used as a number, and then life went on. I had heard it once, and remembered fragments of it forever.

Then came the Internet, where almost everything arcane has a tendency to show up if you wait long enough. I would search occasionally, and over time, bits and pieces appeared; now there is a full-blown Wikipedia article entitled “Yan tan tethera,” and the real story becomes quite complicated.

Over at Wovember Words, the matter is treated thusly (the whole page is worth a read):

The only reference we could find anywhere confirming connections between the counting words of Native Americans with those used in the North of England is in a musical written in 1957, called The Music Man. There is a scene in this play where the wife of the Mayor exclaims “I will now count to twenty in the Indian tongue! Een teen tuther featherfip!” Is this line in the play responsible for the idea that Native American peoples were using these old counting words with their Gaelic origins, or does it reflect that through the dark mechanisms of Imperialism the counting words were imposed onto Native American culture by the time the play was written?

Lincolnshire Shepherds counted:
Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pinp,
Sethera, lethera, hovera, covera, di,
Yen-a-dik, tan-a-dick, tethera-dik, pethera-dik, bumfit,
Yan-a-bumfit, tan-a-bumfit, tuthera-bumfit, pethera-bumfit, figgit.

At the same time, around 1890, Native Americans were also using:
Een, teen, thuther, futher, fipps,
Suther, luther, uther, duther, dix,
Een-dix, teen-dix, tuther-dix, futher-dix, bumpit,
Anny-bumpit, tanny-bumpit, tuther-bumpit, futher-bumpit, giggit, Anny-gigit.

If you listen to the soundtrack of the movie version of “The Music Man” carefully, there’s a bit more:

Eulalie begins: Een teen tuther feather fip!
The chorus chants: Sakey, Lakey, Corey Ippy Gip (This may not be 100% accurate as these words do not appear in the screenplay)
Eulalie continues: Eendik Teendik Tetherdik Fethertik … (she is interrupted by a firecracker)

So we can see that it’s entirely possible that these counters, very similar to the Brythonic counting systems – too close to be coincidental – may have been transmitted very early by some oral channel to Native Americans, and that by folklore tradition a knowledge of these counters worked their way down cultural pathways to be included in the play and movie.

Language and its history are curious things, with enough puzzles and questions for lifetimes of study – even the whimsical bits.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Coin collecting – nobody makes money but the dealers.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I learned this lesson the hard way as a kid, as I sank endless amounts of allowance and paychecks and tips into a coin collection and various and sundry offerings from the Franklin Mint, touted as “brilliant investments” and “guaranteed to be coveted”. Yes, some of the things I gathered were very pretty, but 50 years later when it came time to divest myself of the items for this reason and that, I found out that most of the stuff was worth: melt value. That’s just the sad reality of the collecting world.

The same holds true for stamps: the mint sheets of things like the Mercury mission

301748

Face value: $4.00. Dealer price today: $18.40. Hardly a brilliant investment over time, and that’s for a mint sheet. Certainly not what my father envisioned as he gathered sheets like this which I ended up inheriting. Individual cancelled stamps collected from envelopes will fetch you… well, kindling, really. With the exception of a few very rare beauties, stamp collecting is a hobby for amateurs (in the original sense, meaning “those who love”) rather than investors.

Not that dealers out there are not still trying to flummox the unwise and the uninformed. Look at this beautiful collection of Liberty Seated coins from PCS stamps and coins, offered for only two payments of $295.00:

5cd6ba31-248f-4733-ad48-84a5cd678138_400_0

Yes, it’s very attractive. Here’s the potential breakdown of value, taken from the PCGS website – you can be sure that the coins you get will be the commonest (hence cheapest) varieties out there, and all in “Very Good” condition, or between grade 8 and 10.

1877 CC Liberty Seated Half Dollar – grade 8 – $59.00
1876 CC Liberty Seated Quarter – Grade 8 – $60.00
1876 CC Liberty Seated Dime – Grade 8 – $29.00

Total $148.00

That pretty little case probably costs about 30.00 or less from a dealer in China – so for a premium of $400.00 you can have someone put together a set of coins that you could own for 1/3 the price. Even 50 years down the road, don’t expect your investment to appreciate anywhere near that much.

Old US coinage can be beautiful, and top specimens command insane prices from the wealthy bidders who buy them at auction – but if you want to make money from collecting coins… become a dealer.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Try Moxie, they said.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

12993457_10154069984323851_5847876238616611056_n

My first introduction to Moxie came as I read Stuart Little in the 1950s. Stuart, on his journey to find his lost love Margalo, stopped at a gas station and asked about something to drink.

“Have you any sarsaparilla in your store?” asked Stuart. “I’ve got a ruinous thirst.”
“Certainly,” said the storekeeper. “Gallons of it. Sarsaparilla, root beer, birch beer, ginger ale, Moxie, lemon soda, Coca Cola, Pepsi Cola, Dipsi Cola, Pipsi Cola, Popsi Cola, and raspberry cream tonic. Anything you want.”

At the time I had no idea what Moxie was, but was delighted to find out later that it was a real thing, unlike the Dipsi, Pipsi, and Popsi colas mentioned. And yes, it’s definitely an acquired taste. It’s reminiscent of root beer or sarsparilla, but the dominant flavoring is gentian root, which brings a bitterness to the drink not found in other soft drinks (unless you’re fond of Campari soda, not usually found outside of Italy.) God forbid anyone should make a soda version of Fernet-Branca!

But Moxie is different, and refreshing. The bitterness doesn’t bother me, in fact it makes the concoction more satisfying on a hot day than something that’s just overly sugary. I may like it for the same reason I like chestnut honey, which I discovered on a trip to Slovenia – wonderfully full-bodied, with that same distinctive bitterness which offsets the sweetness nicely.

12310536_10153707717073851_893816737081154231_n

Originating around 1876 as a patent medicine called “Moxie Nerve Food,” Moxie is closely associated with the state of Maine and was designated the official soft drink of Maine on May 10, 2005. Its creator, Dr. Augustin Thompson, was born in Union, Maine. (Extracted from Wikipedia)

For the longest time, Frank Anicetti ran the Moxie Museum in Lisbon, Maine; this year saw the closure of the store, which was at the heart of Maine’s annual Moxie Festival since 1913.

FrankAnicetti

Frank Anicetti serves up Moxie ice cream

But even though the Kennebec Fruit Company store is gone, Moxie will stay close to the hearts and stomachs of Mainahs; there’s still the Matthews Museum in Union, which has an entire wing devoted to Moxie.

MoxieExhibit

The Moxie Wing at the Matthews Museum in Union, Maine

MOXIE-010000_1.jpg

Now in the interest of full disclosure, I’m still a Pepper, and always have been. In my years sojourning in Europe, I discovered that Europeans – while they find Coke and Pepsi palatable – generally look upon Root Beer and Dr Pepper as tasting like medicine. With that in mind, I suspect Moxie wouldn’t find much of a market in Vienna or Ljubljana… in fact, it might be just enough to turn even our best European friends into a torch-and-pitchfork waving mob.

But such is life. The poor souls probably wouldn’t appreciate nattō either. They have my sympathy. For the moment, I’m happy to be in Maine, where Moxie is readily available.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

The Trading Stamp Era

Posted on by The Old Wolf

In a previous entry about things gone but not forgotten (by me and my generation, anyway,) I mentioned S&H green stamps.

696b993

Trading stamps were incentives given out by grocery stores and gas stations in the same way as stores do with coupons, reward-cards, and other come-ons today. You’d collect the stamps, paste them in books, and then take your books to a redemption center somewhere and exchange them for consumer goods.

images

Based on the amount of your purchase, the checker would dial up the amount you spent on a machine like the one above, and the thing would dispense stamps in 1, 10, and the coveted 50 variety. The last one was great because you could fill up an entire page in the book with just one lick.

SandHStamps

Depending on the area of the country you lived in, there were different varieties of stamps available. The ones I recall in addition to the S&H Green Stamps were:

original

Gold strike stamps

1969-Gold-Strike-Stamps-Catalog-23

Page from a Gold Strike Stamp Catalog. This was not cheap slum; the premiums had significant value if you were willing to collect enough books.

10aa496562010fdbf1dc5c68897e8469

Blue Chip Stamps. If you’re curious about that “cash value one mill” (equivalent to 1/10 ¢) thing, have a gander at this article over at Mental Floss.

1967-blue-chip-stamps-coupons

Blue Chip Promotional Ad

lot-of-s-h-green-stamps-plaid-stamps-top-value-stamps-books-c4f216e1c8003cc8c30b62640a2f31d3

Plaid Stamps, particular to A&P.

8208plaida

Pages from a Plaid Stamp catalog.

I remember helping my mother gather and lick and apply these things and looked forward to her regular trips to the grocery store. I can’t recall what, if anything, she ever redeemed her books for, but the memory of the collecting is very clear. While the craze faded shortly after, I’m glad I was able to live through this interesting bit of cultural history.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Celebrity Names (The original kind)

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Cross posted From Livejournal

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot when it comes to fame and fortune. Stage names are a longstanding tradition, and there are a number of reasons for adopting one. Fear of being perceived as too ethnic, Guild rules that state no two members may have the same name, anonymity, shock appeal… all play a rôle in determining the choice of your monicker.

From the Huffington Post, here are 44 celebrities and their real names. Some are well known, others came as quite a surprise to me. Listed here so you don’t have to page through their slide show, with concomitant advertisements, along with some gratuitous commentary by my own self, in blue.

Alicia Keys: Alicia Augello Cook
Ben Kingsley: Krishna Pandit Bhanji
(Now that’s an awesome name. I think he should have kept it.)
Bruce Willis: Walter Willis
Carmen Electra: Tara Leigh Patrick
Catherine Deneuve: Catherine Dorleac
To Anglophones, any French name sounds sexy. Perhaps there’s something in French that prompted the choice…
Charlie Sheen: Carlos Irwin Estevez
Chevy Chase: Cornelius Crane Chase
Christie Brinkley: Christie Lee Hudson
Christopher Walken: Ronald Walken
I like his choice.
Chuck Norris: Carlos Ray Norris
No disrespect intended, but “Carlos Norris Jokes” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Dakota Fanning: Hannah Fanning
Demi Moore: Demetria Gene Guyne
Diane Keaton: Diane Hall
Elton John: Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Elvis Costello: Declan Patrick MacManus
Etta James: Jamesetta Hawkins
Fred Astaire: Frederick Austerlitz
Helen Mirren: Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov
Jack Black: Thomas Jacob Black
Jamie Foxx: Eric Marlon Bishop
Joan Rivers: Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Joaquin Phoenix: Joaquin Rafael Bottom
Julie Andrews: Julia Elizabeth Wells
Katy Perry: Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson
Lana Del Rey: Elizabeth Grant
Larry King: Lawrence Harvey Zeiger
Marilyn Monroe: Norma Jean Mortenson
Meg Ryan: Margaret Hyra
Mel Brooks: Melvin Kaminsky
Michael Caine: Maurice Joseph Micklewhite
Miley Cyrus: Destiny Hope Cyrus
Natalie Portman: Natalie Hershlag
Nicolas Cage: Nicholas Kim Coppola
Olivia Wilde: Olivia Jane Cockburn
That’s pronounced “Coburn,” in case you were wondering.
Pat Benatar: Patricia Mae Andrzejewski
Yes. Thank you so very much. I can pronounce Eyjafjallajökull, but those Polish names give me fits.
Portia De Rossi: Amanda Lee Rogers
Spike Lee: Shelton Jackson Lee
Steven Tyler: Steven Victor Tallarico
Tina Fey: Elizabeth Stamatina Fey
Tina Turner: Anna Mae Bullock
Tom Cruise: Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
A cool name doesn’t make him any less strange.
Vin Diesel: Mark Vincent
Whoopi Goldberg: Caryn Elaine Johnson
Woody Allen: Allen Stewart Konigsberg

In the end analysis, it’s a shame that so many talented stars change their handles because of undercurrents of racism, but until the world becomes a more tolerant place, it will probably continue to happen.

Edit: I forgot to provide the link to the Wiki article on Stage Names, which gives many more examples and various reasons for the changes.

Sir Vival: The future that never was

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Reblogged from a post at lafinlarry.net by Pepelaputr. I had never heard of this wonderful bit of bizzarrity, and thought it should get wider exposure.

tumblr_n1mvaus3DF1qzk2apo1_1280tumblr_n1mvaus3DF1qzk2apo2_1280W.C. Jerome’s %27Safety Car%27 1958_3

Walter C. Jerome of Worcester, Massachusetts was a man possessed by a mission to make the world’s safest car. In the end, he failed to advance auto safety but Jerome’s segmented sedan might easily qualify as the world’s strangest car.

Primarily concerned with head-on collisions, Jones split his car in two, hoping the front section would absorb collisions, leaving the passenger cabin untouched. Using a heavily modified 1948Hudson sedan as a rear section, he built a raised turret to provide the driver with maximum viability, a goal he furthered with a 360 degree wrap-around screen that constantly rotated past built-in squeegees to wipe it clean.

Wrap-around rubber bumpers protected the Sir Vival’s bodywork from errant motorists in slow speed collisions but they were just one of Jerome’s innovations. The Sir Vival was years ahead with seat belts, a padded interior, and built-in roll bars.

Auto safety has two parts: passive safety concerns passenger protection once a collision occurs, and active safety, or a car’s ability to avoid accidents due to handling and braking qualities. Like most Americans, Jerome focused only on passive safety, ignoring the fact that his car’s awkward separation into dual modules necessitated atrocious handling.

The Sir Vival appeared on magazine covers. Jerome had fancy two-color sales brochures printed that extolled its virtues. But its fifteen minutes in the spotlight quickly elapsed and it sunk without a trace. Amazingly, the eccentric Sir Vival turned out to be a survivor after all. A little the worse for wear, it remains in the care of Bellingham Auto Sales in Bellingham, Massachusetts.

Sir-Vival-1Sir-Vival-2

The world is so full of a number of things…

The Old Wolf has spoken.

If the shoe fits…

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Vicks Inhaler

When I was a kid, I remember encountering one of these at the home of an older relative. Being naturally curious, I unscrewed the thing and smelled it.

Eeyagh! Hideous! I didn’t even bother asking what it was for, I just considered it anathema and forgot all about it until years later when, as an adult, I discovered how useful they are for unplugging a stuffy nose.

The event was brought sharply into renewed focus in my memory when, about 8 years ago, my oldest granddaughter who was, at the time, 3 years old, picked one up off my nightstand, unscrewed it, and gave it a smell. Her response cracked me up, and I remember it to this day and have told the story many times; indeed, it has become somewhat of a watchword in our family, as you shall see.

What she, at that tender age, said was: “Ew! That’s for old!”

Indeed it is, sweetheart, but I do hope you come to appreciate its value when you have grandchildren of your own.

One day this last year, my wife’s youngest daughter, who was 25 at the time, accompanied me to the dollar store to pick out some candy for a daddy-daughter movie date that we were planning. We each picked out a couple of our favorites, and one of mine was this:

Good-&-Plenty-Box-Small

Naturally, I hated these as a kid as well, preferring things like Bazooka™ bubble gum, Nik-L-Nips™, Jujubes™, and Chunky™ candy bars. Licorice was for *old* people. Gah.

You can imagine my delight when our sweet girl saw my choice, wrinkled up her nose, and said,

“Ew! That’s for old!”

And so it is. But while I’m not excited about the aches and pains that come along with becoming a senior citizen, I have long been appreciative of the sentiment, “Never resent growing old. It is a gift denied to many.”

True enough, and if it brings with it appreciation of things like Good & Plenty™ and Vicks inhalers, then that’s just icing on the cake.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

The Internet Doesn’t Have Everything Yet

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I have written before about things I’ve lost over time, seen in a magazine or a book or elsewhere, and my efforts to re-locate them. As time goes on, more and more material gets uploaded to the Internet, but despite some successes, there are many lacunes.

I remember a great advertisement that appeared at the end of the 90s or thereabouts – it was, if I’m not mistaken, for the Sony Nightshot video camera, and showed – taken in infrared light – a cat and a dog surprised in a compromising position on the couch. The caption was something like “You’ll be surprised at what you can discover when you come home unexpectedly.”

I know that ad existed, because I can see it in my mind’s eye as plainly as could be desired, but thus far I have found no hint of it in the course of as many searches as I know how to do. It appears to have vanished without a trace. Now that may be the result of an unfortunate urban legend which sprung up around the time of the Nightshot’s introduction, specifically that you could see through clothing with it – but I’m surprised I can’t locate this particular ad copy, because it was funny.

I guess some things are either lost forever, or I’ll just have to keep waiting until someone finds it.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

The “Not Weird Al” Page

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Resurrecting this page from the Internet Archive for easier access (not everyone knows how to find the Wayback Machine, or that it even exists.)

This list of songs wrongly attributed to Weird Al Yankovic was written and maintained by Charles Ulrich and went offline on November 21, 2010. It is presented here as last seen, with one small edit for “Cat’s in the Kettle,” which is the original reason I fell down this rabbit hole. The original copyright statement has been preserved.

Songs Not Written by Weird Al Yankovic

artist confirmed | artist unconfirmed | artist unknown

12 Pains of Christmas Bob Rivers
50 Ways to Get Bin Laden Dean and Rog
All I’m Gonna Do Paul Shanklin
American Pie (Bill Clinton version)  
Another Brick in the Wall (Newt Gingrich)  
Answering Machine (Friends parody)  
A Salute to Breasts  
A**hole Son Bob Rivers
Baby Got Jack MC Sampler & White Honkey
Baby Got No Back  
Back That A** Up South Park, Big Gay Al
Ball Star Johnny Crass
Barney’s on Fire None of the Above
Beer Polka  
Bi Bi Bi  
Bimbo Number 5 The Morning Show @ Z100 Portland
Bomb Iraq Capitol Steps
Bong Song  
Born in East L.A. Cheech Marin
Burning Down the Church Bob Rivers
Cat’s in the Kettle Manic Larry
Baker (originally performed for American Comedy Network by Bob Rivers
Chewbacca, What a Wookie Supernova
Combo Number 5 David Brody @ Z100FM New York
Cows With Guns Dana Lyons
Darth Maul  
Dirty Deeds (Done with Sheep) Bob Rivers
Don’t Shoot Mr. Postman Bob Rivers
Don’t Touch That Laszlo & Gary
Elmo’s Got a Gun Tommy And Rumble
Eskimo Corky and the Juice Pigs
Freeballin’ Bob Rivers
F*** the Macarena MC Rage
Furby Prank Call  
Gettin’ Sticky With It  
Gilligan’s Titanic Island  
Gonorrhea (Macarena Parody)  
Goin Huntin The Arrogant Worms
Grandpa Got Run Over by a Beer Truck Da Yoopers
Heart Attack #5 John Mammoser
Hello, I Love You (Let’s get Tested for AIDS) Bob Rivers
Hooker on the Corner  
I Did it All for the Wookie  
If You Want To Be My Intern  
In A Gadda Da Vida Polka Scott Chapin
In A Gadda Da Vida Polka * Loose Bruce Kerr
Internet Sandman Johnny Crass
I Ran Over the Taco Bell Dog *  
Isle of Survivor My Hairy Brother
Istanbul (Not Constantinople) They Might Be Giants
I Wanna be a Stormtrooper The Anarchy Steering Committee
Kill the Wabbit Ozzy Fudd (Mark McCollum)
Killing My Software  
Last Vote for Al Gore Robomusic
Late Night With Letterman Robomusic
Let’s Go Smoke Some Pot Dash Rip Rock
Livin’ La Vida Homo R.J. from the Fishheads
Livin’ La Vida Yoda* Todd Downing
Make my Boobies One More Size David Brody @ Z100FM New York
McDonald’s Girl The Blenders (Cover)
Men in Brown  
Microsoft! (Bloatware) David Pogue
Microsoft Christmas  
Minimum Wage Bob Rivers
Mo Booty Mo Problems  
My DNA  
My Fart Will Go On  
My Girlfriend Died Tom Green
My Girlfriend is Inflatable John Mammoser
My Name is… Darth Vader  
Nine Coronas John Mammoser
Nine Inch Claws None of the Above
No Hoochies  
Oops I Farted Again * Bob Rivers
Oops I’m Pregnant Again  
Oops I S*** in my Pants  
Osama bin Laden Dead or Alive  
Parody of Another Brick in the Wall  
Pet Names for Genitalia Tom Green
Please Don’t Wear That Thong  
Rice, Rice, Baby Gary Thomas & Mark Jonathan Davis
Saddam Hussein (Chumbawumba parody)  
Secret Asian Man Da Vinci’s Notebook
She Gotta Pee  
SmokaBowla TechnoHippies
Stan  
Star Trek Rhapsody Hillman Morning Show
Star Trekkin’ The Firm
Star Wars Cantina Mark Jonathan Davis
Star Wars Gangsta Rap Bentframe
Star Wars (disco medley) Meco Monardo
Thank God I’m a Pubic Hair John Valby
The AOL Song Bob Rivers
The Beer Song Trey Parker & Matt Stone
The Bill Gates Song  
The Devil Went Down to Jamaica David Allen Coe
The Devil Went Down to Jamaica Travis Meyer
The Friends Song Parody  
The Microsoft Empire Strikes Back  
The Real Slim Santa Kevin & Bean @ 106.7 KROQ Los Angeles
The Taliban Can  
Thong Song  
Three Inch Tool Bob Rivers
Toast * Heywood Banks
Ugly Girl  
Ukrainian Woman  
Uncle F***er The South Park Movie Soundtrack
Vagina* Pig Vomit
What if God Smoked Cannabis Bob Rivers
Walk with an Erection* J.B.O.
Walking ‘Round in Women’s Underwear Bob Rivers
WarCraft Rap Quency
Weenie in a Bottle Hawaiian Ryan
Which Backstreet Boy is Gay The Morning Show @ Z100 Portland
Who Let the Cows Out The Waking Crew @ KYGO 98.5 Denver
Who Wants a Recount? Shamus and Brad @ KFTZ 103.3 Blackfoot
Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up* Emily Ellis @ KLUC 98.5 Las Vegas
Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up* (Male Vocalist)
With Legs Wide Open  
Windows 95 Sucks Bob Rivers
Wonderbra Bob Ricci
Wrong Foot Amputated Bob Rivers
Y.O.D.A. The Great Luke Ski
Yoda Sunscreen Mix 99.9FM Toronto
You’re a Porn Star (Parody of All-Star)  
Zelda* The Rabbit Joint

Footnotes:

In A Gadda Da Vida Polka:

Susan Carter tells me that the In A Gadda Da Vida Polka
performed by Scott Chapin is not the same as the one floating around the net.
If you want to be sure, you can download Scott Chapin’s version (linked above)
for free and compare it to what you have on your hard drive. UPDATE:
Susan appeared to be quite right. You see, Ellen Koenig alerted me
that the polka in question that has been floating around is by none other than
Loose Bruce Kerr, who apparently had (or maybe still has) an informal
working relationship with Dr. Demento and Weird Al. Another
mystery solved! This one is
reportedly the one being swapped around on the file sharing networks. It
features the artist playing an accordian solo while singing to the tune.
UPDATE: Steve also adds: Here’s how to determine which is
which. Scott Chapin’s (from the CD “Poseur of Polka”) is a direct
cover, with same melody and some parody lyrics. Bruce Kerr’s is a
parody of Livin’ La Vida Loca.

I Ran Over the Taco Bell Dog

Many folks have written in to say that this song was performed by Adam
Sandler. Unfortunately, those folks are mistaken. I did at one point
have him listed as the artist of the song, and shortly after I received
a flood of emails from Sandler fans telling me that it was all a lie.
So far, there is not a shred of evidence that can link Sandler to this
song, and as such, it shall remain artistless for the time being.

Livin’ La Vida Yoda:

Jay Ward noted that there are two versions of this song. One version
is by Jimmy Fallon from a Saturday Night Live episode and the other,
reportedly more popular, version by Todd Downing. This
page has some unofficial lyrics for the interested.

Oops I Farted Again:

There was, for a significant amount of time, some confusion as to who
wrote this. Some people said Bob Rivers,
others said the artists at Zthing.com
were the ones who created it. But now the truth shall be known! Patty
Brown reports that the Bob Rivers version of the song is the same as that
used in the Zthing.com shockwave animation.

Vagina:

I’ve been receiving conflicting reports on the actual authors for this song.
I first attributed it to The Longpigs, who have their discography online.
Then, I get an email from Bastiaan Huisman who tells me that it’s
not, in fact, by The Longpigs, The Bloodhound Gang, or
Monty Python. (Being that they have a Penis Song, but not a
Vagina Song.) Justin Petrosek wrote in recently to let me know
that this song is probably Three Point One Four by The Bloodhound
Gang because the song itself deals extensively with vaginas, but the song
title does not reflect so. If anyone has more evidence regarding this, please
send it on in. UPDATE: Adrian Mettler wrote with proof
saying that the version of the song he has is NOT by The Bloodhound Gang.
I’m listing this song as Artist Unknown until there some real proof on this one.
UPDATE: I received another email today, (which I accidently
deleted, sorry!) suggesting it may be by NOFX but I checked and that is
not the case either. UPDATE: YES! YES! YES! Confirmation at last!
Seth Christenfeld wrote in to say that he had to endure multiple playings
of this song by his camp-mates and even provided actual proof of THE REAL
ARTISTS OF THIS SONG, Pig Vomit. What a cozy name!

Toast:

Toast was a skit done live on the Bob & Tom national morning show. Although the artist / musician / clinically
insane guy behind the microphone sure sounds a lot like Al, it is not.
MP3 sharees often label this as an “extremely rare” Al recording. Well, I
guess it would be rather rare if he never performed it. Only recently was
Al a guest on the Bob & Tom show, but it was a satellite interview and he
performed no songs. The actual artist of this tune is Heywood Banks, a funny guy in his own
right.

Walk With an Erection

There has always been a certain amount of controversy surrounding this song. I would
get loads of emails claiming that WWAE was by The Swinging Erudites, but the
evidence just kept pointing to J.B.O. Finally, the German Amazon.de
proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that J.B.O. did the song because it had a sound clip
of WWAE, which appeared on their Explizite Lyrik album and this clip matched up
perfectly with the one that’s being shared under Al’s name. And so I thought the
mystery was solved until
Greg Urbaitis, member of The Swinging Erudites emailed me. He argued, of course,
that the Swinging E’s were the ones who did the song, and I wanted to be
well-armed for my rebuttal, so I dug a little deeper into the history of the song until
I ran across a web page that stated that the Swinging Erudites were the ones who
originally wrote and performed the song, which was then covered by Carson Sage,
which was in turn covered (and presumably translated) by J.B.O., making the
version appearing on this page a cover of a cover. Case closed. I hope.

Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up:

Previously I had Christina Aguilera attributed to this one. I had her name
in mind as the artist of this song not only due to the many erroneous song
listings, but from at least one overheard conversation as well.
Jeremy set me straight: “The female version of Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up
was recorded by Emily Ellis for KLUC 98.5FM, Las Vegas, NV. The
intent was to make people think it was Christina Aguilera
singing, and apparently it worked.” Perhaps someone should start a
Not-Christina Page?

Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up (Male Vocalist):

I’ve been getting reports that there is definitely a version of this sung by a
male vocalist being traded under Weird Al’s name. I see that it’s also attributed to
Cletus T. Judd, but I can not yet find any solid evidence that he’s the true
artist.. UPDATE: Hmm. Nope, I was wrong. There are apparently *two*
(at least) entirely different versions of this song by a male vocalist. Fun, fun,
and more fun.

Zelda:

As cleverly shown in the Not-Al cross reference table below, this song is
often mistitled as The Legend of Zelda or Zelda Nintendo Theme.
It is neither of those, nor was it ever performed by System of a
Down. You might say the guy in the song sounds like the lead vocalist from
SoaD, but personally I don’t see the resemblence except that they both like to
scream a lot. UPDATE: This song is performed by The Rabbit
Joint. Case closed, it seems.

Song Title Cross References:

This list is a cross-reference for song titles that aren’t the actual title
for Weird Al songs. The column on the left shows the unofficial (wrong) name
and the one on the right is the reference to the actual (right) song title.

Al Songs

Wrong Title Right Title
Achy Breaky Heart Achy Breaky Song
Anakin Guy The Saga Begins
Batman Returns Cavity Search
Bohemian Rap City Bohemian Polka
Constipated A Complicated Song
I’m Fat Fat
Jedi Knight The Saga Begins
Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Headline News
Numb Me, Drill Me, Floss Me, Bill Me Cavity Search
Offspring Rendition Pretty Fly for a Rabbi
The Jedi Song The Saga Begins
There’s Something Weird in the Fridge Today Livin’ in the Fridge
Yabba Dabba Doo Bedrock Anthem

This list is a cross-reference of incorrect and correct titles for songs
not written by Al. The column on the left shows the unofficial (wrong)
name and the one on the right is the reference to the actual (right) song
title. To see the artists of these songs, look up the correct title
above in The List.

Not Al Songs

Wrong Title Right Title
All I Wanna Do (Bill Clinton) All I’m Gonna Do
I Like Small Butts Baby Got Jack
Bitchney Spears Make My Boobies One More Size
Hooker in a Bottle Hooker on the Corner
Let’s Bomb Iraq Bomb Iraq
I Like Big Butts Baby Got Jack
I Hate Big Butts Baby Got Jack
I’m the Only Gay Eskimo Eskimo
Metallica Against Napster Internet Sandman
Napster Land Internet Sandman
Star Wars Disco Star Wars: Title Theme (Disco Medly)
Survivor Parody Isle of Survivor
The Legend of Zelda Zelda
The Vagina Song Vagina
Zelda Nintendo Theme Zelda
Page design, content ©2002-2005 Charles Ulrich. All song titles are copyrighted by their respective holders.

The Old Wolf has spoken, with gratitude to Charles Ulrich.

Whistleberries and hounds, a pair!

Posted on by The Old Wolf

If you’ve ever heard that hollered by an overworked server to a harried cook at your local greasy spoon, you might have just ordered a pair of franks with baked beans.

beans-and-franks

Welcome to my stream of consciousness morning.

A recent article at the Sydney Morning Herald provided a fascinating insight into coded language used by healthcare professionals, flight attendants, butchers, and others. (For example, COPD can not only stand for Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, but also “Chronic Old Person’s Disease.”) The article is a fascinating read.

That led me to think of diner slang, a subject lovingly researched by John Clarke, the husband of a dear friend of mine whom I knew for over 60 years and who recently left this world (far too soon, I might add.) I’m not sure where his research is at the moment, but I know John has dedicated a good bit of time to exploring the ins and outs of this fine art of colorful communication.

I reproduce below, entirely without permission and acknowledging copyright ©2003 by John Clarke, a diner slang quiz which appeared in the Spring 2003 edition of Gastronomica, the Journal of Food and Culture, but which deserves much wider appreciation. Answers below: Don’t peek!

America’s original quick-bite places – the main-street soda fountain, the corner lunchionette, and the roadside diner – shared a special, often secret, culture of language. During the Golden Age of slinging slang from 1925 to 1945, waitstaff and kitchen workers communicated in colorful shorthand.

How good is your slang? See if you can match the twelve sassy term in Column A with the classic American home-style desserts in Column B.

Bonus Question: “Give me Eve with the roof on, a crow slab covered in spla, maiden and tar, plus a stretch with frost and sissy sticks!” What’s being ordered?

1. Ant Paste A. Apple pie
2. Bellyache B. Chocolate pudding
3. Chinese wedding cake C. Custard pie
4. Gold fish D. Cruller
5. House boat E. Banana Split
6. Matrimony knot F. Fudge
7. Magoo G. Bowl of strawberry gelatin
8. Ploughed field H. Ice cream sundae
9. Shivering Liz in the hay I. Sliced peaches
10. Slab of sin J. Rice pudding
11. Snow White on a stick K. Turnover
12. Windbag L. Vanilla ice cream cone

Answers:

1-B, 2-H. 3-J, 4-I, 5-E, 6-D, 7-C, 8-F. 9-G, 10-A, 11-L, 12-K

Bonus Question: Apple pie with a top crust, chocolate pie covered with whipped cream, cherry pie and a mug of coffee, and a large Coke™ with crushed ice and two straws!

Thanks to the wonders of the Internet which rarely forgets, here’s a list of diner slang assembled by Dave Hutchins over at Discuss Cooking – the list has been alphabetized and edited a bit for clarity:

A blond with sand: Coffee with cream and sugar
An MD: Dr Pepper
A spot with a twist: Cup of tea with lemon
Adam & Eve on a raft: Two poached eggs on toast
And cinnamon: Dropped in a bowl of milk
Angel: Sandwich man
Baled hay: Shredded wheat
Balloon juice: Seltzer or soda water
Belch water: Alka Seltzer
Billiard: Buttermilk
Bird seed: Breakfast
Black and white: Chocolate soda with vanilla ice cream
Blood hounds in the hay: Hot dogs and sauerkraut
Blow out patches: Pancakes
Blue plate special: a dish of meat, potato, vegetable also daily special
Boiled leaves: Tea
Bossy in a bowl: Beef stew
Bow Wow, Ground hog: A hot dog
Bowl of Red: Chili con carne
Break it and shake it: Add egg to a drink
Breath: Onion
Bridge Party: Four of any thing (from the bridge game)
Bubble dancer: Dish washer
Bullets or whistleberries: Baked beans (because of supposed flatulence)
Burn one: Fry a hamburger
Burn one, take it through the garden: Hamburger with lettuce tomato, onion
Burn the British: Toasted English muffin
Cackle fruit: Eggs
Canned cow: Evaporated milk
Chopper: Table knife
CJ: Boston Cream cheese and Jelly
Cowboy or western: A western omelet or sandwich
Cow paste, Skid grease, Axle grease: Butter
Creep: Draft beer
Crowd: Three of any thing (as in, “Two is company three is a crowd”)
Customer will take a chance: Hash
Dead eye: Poached eggs
Dough well done with cow: Buttered toast
Drag one through Georgia: Cola with Chocolate syrup
Draw one in the dark: A Black coffee
Draw one or a cup of mud: Cup of coffee
Eighty Six: The kitchen is out of the item ordered
Fifty-five: A glass of root beer
Flop two fry:  Two eggs any style
Frenchman’s delight: Pea soup
Frog sticks: French Fries
Fry two, let the sun shine: 2 eggs with unbroken yolks
GAC: Grilled American cheese sandwich
Gallery: Booth
Go for a walk or on wheels: it’s to go
Grave yard stew: Milk toast buttered toast sprinkled with sugar
Gravel train: Sugar bowl
Hail: Ice
Hemorrhage: Ketchup
High and dry: A plain sandwich with nothing on it
Hockey Puck: A hamburger well done
Hold the hail: No ice
Hot top: Hot Chocolate
Hug one or squeeze one: Orange juice
In the alley: Served as a side dish
Jack Benny: Cheese with bacon )Named after Jack Benny)
Java or Joe: Cup of coffee
Keep off the grass: No Lettuce
Lady Bug: Fountain man
Life preserver: Doughnut
Light House: Ketchup bottle
Looseners: Prunes
Lumber: tooth pick
Machine oil: Syrup
Mike & Ike or the twins: salt & pepper shakers
Million on a platter: Plate of baked beans
Mississippi mud or yellow paint: Mustard
Moo juice, Baby juice, Sweet Alice: Milk
Mystery in the alley: Side order of hash
No cow: without milk
Noah’s boy on bread: Ham sandwich
Noah’s son: Slice of ham (Noah’s second son)
One from the Alps: A Swiss cheese sandwich
Paint it Red: Put ketchup on it
Pair of drawers: two cups of coffee
Pin a rose on it: Add Onion to a order
Put out the lights and cry: Liver and onions
Rabbit food: Lettuce
Radio: Tuna salad sandwich
Sea Dust: Salt
Shake one in the hay: Strawberry milk shake
Shingle with a shimmy and a shake: Buttered toast with jam or jelly
Shoot from the south: Coca Cola™
Smear: Margarine
Soup Jockey: Waitress
Stack or short stack: Order of pancakes
Sun kiss or oh gee: Orange juice
Sweep the kitchen: Hash
Throw it in the mud: Add Chocolate syrup
Two cows, make them cry: two hamburgers with onion
Vermont: Maple syrup
Warts: Olives
Wax: American cheese
Whisky down: rye toast
Whisky: Rye bread
White cow: Vanilla milk shake
Wind mill, Adams ale, city juice, dog soup: A glass of water
Yum yum or sand: Sugar
Zeppelin: Sausage

I got a big kick out of “Put out the lights and cry” – I’m a big fan of liver and onions, but apparently many others are not.

These terms can be very regional and original, so there were likely to be many terms for the same item around the country. A more comprehensive list should be forthcoming when I have the time.

In the meantime, wreck two and make them cry.

The Old Wolf has spoken.