The “Not Weird Al” Page

Resurrecting this page from the Internet Archive for easier access (not everyone knows how to find the Wayback Machine, or that it even exists.)

This list of songs wrongly attributed to Weird Al Yankovic was written and maintained by Charles Ulrich and went offline on November 21, 2010. It is presented here as last seen, with one small edit for “Cat’s in the Kettle,” which is the original reason I fell down this rabbit hole. The original copyright statement has been preserved.

Songs Not Written by Weird Al Yankovic

artist confirmedartist unconfirmedartist unknown

12 Pains of Christmas Bob Rivers
50 Ways to Get Bin Laden Dean and Rog
All I’m Gonna Do Paul Shanklin
American Pie (Bill Clinton version)  
Another Brick in the Wall (Newt Gingrich)  
Answering Machine (Friends parody)  
A Salute to Breasts  
A**hole Son Bob Rivers
Baby Got Jack MC Sampler & White Honkey
Baby Got No Back  
Back That A** Up South Park, Big Gay Al
Ball Star Johnny Crass
Barney’s on Fire None of the Above
Beer Polka  
Bi Bi Bi  
Bimbo Number 5 The Morning Show @ Z100 Portland
Bomb Iraq Capitol Steps
Bong Song  
Born in East L.A. Cheech Marin
Burning Down the Church Bob Rivers
Cat’s in the Kettle Manic Larry
Baker (originally performed for American Comedy Network by Bob Rivers
Chewbacca, What a Wookie Supernova
Combo Number 5 David Brody @ Z100FM New York
Cows With Guns Dana Lyons
Darth Maul  
Dirty Deeds (Done with Sheep) Bob Rivers
Don’t Shoot Mr. Postman Bob Rivers
Don’t Touch That Laszlo & Gary
Elmo’s Got a Gun Tommy And Rumble
Eskimo Corky and the Juice Pigs
Freeballin’ Bob Rivers
F*** the Macarena MC Rage
Furby Prank Call  
Gettin’ Sticky With It  
Gilligan’s Titanic Island  
Gonorrhea (Macarena Parody)  
Goin Huntin The Arrogant Worms
Grandpa Got Run Over by a Beer Truck Da Yoopers
Heart Attack #5 John Mammoser
Hello, I Love You (Let’s get Tested for AIDS) Bob Rivers
Hooker on the Corner  
I Did it All for the Wookie  
If You Want To Be My Intern  
In A Gadda Da Vida Polka Scott Chapin
In A Gadda Da Vida Polka * Loose Bruce Kerr
Internet Sandman Johnny Crass
I Ran Over the Taco Bell Dog *  
Isle of Survivor My Hairy Brother
Istanbul (Not Constantinople) They Might Be Giants
I Wanna be a Stormtrooper The Anarchy Steering Committee
Kill the Wabbit Ozzy Fudd (Mark McCollum)
Killing My Software  
Last Vote for Al Gore Robomusic
Late Night With Letterman Robomusic
Let’s Go Smoke Some Pot Dash Rip Rock
Livin’ La Vida Homo R.J. from the Fishheads
Livin’ La Vida Yoda* Todd Downing
Make my Boobies One More Size David Brody @ Z100FM New York
McDonald’s Girl The Blenders (Cover)
Men in Brown  
Microsoft! (Bloatware) David Pogue
Microsoft Christmas  
Minimum Wage Bob Rivers
Mo Booty Mo Problems  
My DNA  
My Fart Will Go On  
My Girlfriend Died Tom Green
My Girlfriend is Inflatable John Mammoser
My Name is… Darth Vader  
Nine Coronas John Mammoser
Nine Inch Claws None of the Above
No Hoochies  
Oops I Farted Again * Bob Rivers
Oops I’m Pregnant Again  
Oops I S*** in my Pants  
Osama bin Laden Dead or Alive  
Parody of Another Brick in the Wall  
Pet Names for Genitalia Tom Green
Please Don’t Wear That Thong  
Rice, Rice, Baby Gary Thomas & Mark Jonathan Davis
Saddam Hussein (Chumbawumba parody)  
Secret Asian Man Da Vinci’s Notebook
She Gotta Pee  
SmokaBowla TechnoHippies
Stan  
Star Trek Rhapsody Hillman Morning Show
Star Trekkin’ The Firm
Star Wars Cantina Mark Jonathan Davis
Star Wars Gangsta Rap Bentframe
Star Wars (disco medley) Meco Monardo
Thank God I’m a Pubic Hair John Valby
The AOL Song Bob Rivers
The Beer Song Trey Parker & Matt Stone
The Bill Gates Song  
The Devil Went Down to Jamaica David Allen Coe
The Devil Went Down to Jamaica Travis Meyer
The Friends Song Parody  
The Microsoft Empire Strikes Back  
The Real Slim Santa Kevin & Bean @ 106.7 KROQ Los Angeles
The Taliban Can  
Thong Song  
Three Inch Tool Bob Rivers
Toast * Heywood Banks
Ugly Girl  
Ukrainian Woman  
Uncle F***er The South Park Movie Soundtrack
Vagina* Pig Vomit
What if God Smoked Cannabis Bob Rivers
Walk with an Erection* J.B.O.
Walking ‘Round in Women’s Underwear Bob Rivers
WarCraft Rap Quency
Weenie in a Bottle Hawaiian Ryan
Which Backstreet Boy is Gay The Morning Show @ Z100 Portland
Who Let the Cows Out The Waking Crew @ KYGO 98.5 Denver
Who Wants a Recount? Shamus and Brad @ KFTZ 103.3 Blackfoot
Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up* Emily Ellis @ KLUC 98.5 Las Vegas
Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up* (Male Vocalist)
With Legs Wide Open  
Windows 95 Sucks Bob Rivers
Wonderbra Bob Ricci
Wrong Foot Amputated Bob Rivers
Y.O.D.A. The Great Luke Ski
Yoda Sunscreen Mix 99.9FM Toronto
You’re a Porn Star (Parody of All-Star)  
Zelda* The Rabbit Joint

Footnotes:

In A Gadda Da Vida Polka:

Susan Carter tells me that the In A Gadda Da Vida Polka
performed by Scott Chapin is not the same as the one floating around the net.
If you want to be sure, you can download Scott Chapin’s version (linked above)
for free and compare it to what you have on your hard drive. UPDATE:
Susan appeared to be quite right. You see, Ellen Koenig alerted me
that the polka in question that has been floating around is by none other than
Loose Bruce Kerr, who apparently had (or maybe still has) an informal
working relationship with Dr. Demento and Weird Al. Another
mystery solved! This one is
reportedly the one being swapped around on the file sharing networks. It
features the artist playing an accordian solo while singing to the tune.
UPDATE: Steve also adds: Here’s how to determine which is
which. Scott Chapin’s (from the CD “Poseur of Polka”) is a direct
cover, with same melody and some parody lyrics. Bruce Kerr’s is a
parody of Livin’ La Vida Loca.

I Ran Over the Taco Bell Dog

Many folks have written in to say that this song was performed by Adam
Sandler
. Unfortunately, those folks are mistaken. I did at one point
have him listed as the artist of the song, and shortly after I received
a flood of emails from Sandler fans telling me that it was all a lie.
So far, there is not a shred of evidence that can link Sandler to this
song, and as such, it shall remain artistless for the time being.

Livin’ La Vida Yoda:

Jay Ward noted that there are two versions of this song. One version
is by Jimmy Fallon from a Saturday Night Live episode and the other,
reportedly more popular, version by Todd Downing. This
page
has some unofficial lyrics for the interested.

Oops I Farted Again:

There was, for a significant amount of time, some confusion as to who
wrote this. Some people said Bob Rivers,
others said the artists at Zthing.com
were the ones who created it. But now the truth shall be known! Patty
Brown
reports that the Bob Rivers version of the song is the same as that
used in the Zthing.com shockwave animation.

Vagina:

I’ve been receiving conflicting reports on the actual authors for this song.
I first attributed it to The Longpigs, who have their discography online.
Then, I get an email from Bastiaan Huisman who tells me that it’s
not, in fact, by The Longpigs, The Bloodhound Gang, or
Monty Python. (Being that they have a Penis Song, but not a
Vagina Song.) Justin Petrosek wrote in recently to let me know
that this song is probably Three Point One Four by The Bloodhound
Gang
because the song itself deals extensively with vaginas, but the song
title does not reflect so. If anyone has more evidence regarding this, please
send it on in. UPDATE: Adrian Mettler wrote with proof
saying that the version of the song he has is NOT by The Bloodhound Gang.
I’m listing this song as Artist Unknown until there some real proof on this one.
UPDATE: I received another email today, (which I accidently
deleted, sorry!) suggesting it may be by NOFX but I checked and that is
not the case either. UPDATE: YES! YES! YES! Confirmation at last!
Seth Christenfeld wrote in to say that he had to endure multiple playings
of this song by his camp-mates and even provided actual proof of THE REAL
ARTISTS OF THIS SONG, Pig Vomit. What a cozy name!

Toast:

Toast was a skit done live on the Bob & Tom national morning show. Although the artist / musician / clinically
insane guy behind the microphone sure sounds a lot like Al, it is not.
MP3 sharees often label this as an “extremely rare” Al recording. Well, I
guess it would be rather rare if he never performed it. Only recently was
Al a guest on the Bob & Tom show, but it was a satellite interview and he
performed no songs. The actual artist of this tune is Heywood Banks, a funny guy in his own
right.

Walk With an Erection

There has always been a certain amount of controversy surrounding this song. I would
get loads of emails claiming that WWAE was by The Swinging Erudites, but the
evidence just kept pointing to J.B.O. Finally, the German Amazon.de
proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that J.B.O. did the song because it had a sound clip
of WWAE, which appeared on their Explizite Lyrik album and this clip matched up
perfectly with the one that’s being shared under Al’s name. And so I thought the
mystery was solved until
Greg Urbaitis, member of The Swinging Erudites emailed me. He argued, of course,
that the Swinging E’s were the ones who did the song, and I wanted to be
well-armed for my rebuttal, so I dug a little deeper into the history of the song until
I ran across a web page that stated that the Swinging Erudites were the ones who
originally wrote and performed the song, which was then covered by Carson Sage,
which was in turn covered (and presumably translated) by J.B.O., making the
version appearing on this page a cover of a cover. Case closed. I hope.

Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up:

Previously I had Christina Aguilera attributed to this one. I had her name
in mind as the artist of this song not only due to the many erroneous song
listings, but from at least one overheard conversation as well.
Jeremy set me straight: “The female version of Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up
was recorded by Emily Ellis for KLUC 98.5FM, Las Vegas, NV. The
intent was to make people think it was Christina Aguilera
singing, and apparently it worked.”
Perhaps someone should start a
Not-Christina Page?

Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up (Male Vocalist):

I’ve been getting reports that there is definitely a version of this sung by a
male vocalist being traded under Weird Al’s name. I see that it’s also attributed to
Cletus T. Judd, but I can not yet find any solid evidence that he’s the true
artist.. UPDATE: Hmm. Nope, I was wrong. There are apparently *two*
(at least) entirely different versions of this song by a male vocalist. Fun, fun,
and more fun.

Zelda:

As cleverly shown in the Not-Al cross reference table below, this song is
often mistitled as The Legend of Zelda or Zelda Nintendo Theme.
It is neither of those, nor was it ever performed by System of a
Down
. You might say the guy in the song sounds like the lead vocalist from
SoaD, but personally I don’t see the resemblence except that they both like to
scream a lot. UPDATE: This song is performed by The Rabbit
Joint
. Case closed, it seems.

Song Title Cross References:

This list is a cross-reference for song titles that aren’t the actual title
for Weird Al songs. The column on the left shows the unofficial (wrong) name
and the one on the right is the reference to the actual (right) song title.

Al Songs

Wrong Title Right Title
Achy Breaky Heart Achy Breaky Song
Anakin Guy The Saga Begins
Batman Returns Cavity Search
Bohemian Rap City Bohemian Polka
Constipated A Complicated Song
I’m Fat Fat
Jedi Knight The Saga Begins
Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Headline News
Numb Me, Drill Me, Floss Me, Bill Me Cavity Search
Offspring Rendition Pretty Fly for a Rabbi
The Jedi Song The Saga Begins
There’s Something Weird in the Fridge Today Livin’ in the Fridge
Yabba Dabba Doo Bedrock Anthem

This list is a cross-reference of incorrect and correct titles for songs
not written by Al. The column on the left shows the unofficial (wrong)
name and the one on the right is the reference to the actual (right) song
title. To see the artists of these songs, look up the correct title
above in The List.

Not Al Songs

Wrong Title Right Title
All I Wanna Do (Bill Clinton) All I’m Gonna Do
I Like Small Butts Baby Got Jack
Bitchney Spears Make My Boobies One More Size
Hooker in a Bottle Hooker on the Corner
Let’s Bomb Iraq Bomb Iraq
I Like Big Butts Baby Got Jack
I Hate Big Butts Baby Got Jack
I’m the Only Gay Eskimo Eskimo
Metallica Against Napster Internet Sandman
Napster Land Internet Sandman
Star Wars Disco Star Wars: Title Theme (Disco Medly)
Survivor Parody Isle of Survivor
The Legend of Zelda Zelda
The Vagina Song Vagina
Zelda Nintendo Theme Zelda
Page design, content ©2002-2005 Charles Ulrich. All song titles are copyrighted by their respective holders.

The Old Wolf has spoken, with gratitude to Charles Ulrich.

Whistleberries and hounds, a pair!

If you’ve ever heard that hollered by an overworked server to a harried cook at your local greasy spoon, you might have just ordered a pair of franks with baked beans.

beans-and-franks

Welcome to my stream of consciousness morning.

A recent article at the Sydney Morning Herald provided a fascinating insight into coded language used by healthcare professionals, flight attendants, butchers, and others. (For example, COPD can not only stand for Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, but also “Chronic Old Person’s Disease.”) The article is a fascinating read.

That led me to think of diner slang, a subject lovingly researched by John Clarke, the husband of a dear friend of mine whom I knew for over 60 years and who recently left this world (far too soon, I might add.) I’m not sure where his research is at the moment, but I know John has dedicated a good bit of time to exploring the ins and outs of this fine art of colorful communication.

I reproduce below, entirely without permission and acknowledging copyright ©2003 by John Clarke, a diner slang quiz which appeared in the Spring 2003 edition of Gastronomica, the Journal of Food and Culture, but which deserves much wider appreciation. Answers below: Don’t peek!

America’s original quick-bite places – the main-street soda fountain, the corner lunchionette, and the roadside diner – shared a special, often secret, culture of language. During the Golden Age of slinging slang from 1925 to 1945, waitstaff and kitchen workers communicated in colorful shorthand.

How good is your slang? See if you can match the twelve sassy term in Column A with the classic American home-style desserts in Column B.

Bonus Question: “Give me Eve with the roof on, a crow slab covered in spla, maiden and tar, plus a stretch with frost and sissy sticks!” What’s being ordered?

1. Ant Paste A. Apple pie
2. Bellyache B. Chocolate pudding
3. Chinese wedding cake C. Custard pie
4. Gold fish D. Cruller
5. House boat E. Banana Split
6. Matrimony knot F. Fudge
7. Magoo G. Bowl of strawberry gelatin
8. Ploughed field H. Ice cream sundae
9. Shivering Liz in the hay I. Sliced peaches
10. Slab of sin J. Rice pudding
11. Snow White on a stick K. Turnover
12. Windbag L. Vanilla ice cream cone

Answers:

1-B, 2-H. 3-J, 4-I, 5-E, 6-D, 7-C, 8-F. 9-G, 10-A, 11-L, 12-K

Bonus Question: Apple pie with a top crust, chocolate pie covered with whipped cream, cherry pie and a mug of coffee, and a large Coke™ with crushed ice and two straws!

Thanks to the wonders of the Internet which rarely forgets, here’s a list of diner slang assembled by Dave Hutchins over at Discuss Cooking – the list has been alphabetized and edited a bit for clarity:

A blond with sand: Coffee with cream and sugar
An MD: Dr Pepper
A spot with a twist: Cup of tea with lemon
Adam & Eve on a raft: Two poached eggs on toast
And cinnamon: Dropped in a bowl of milk
Angel: Sandwich man
Baled hay: Shredded wheat
Balloon juice: Seltzer or soda water
Belch water: Alka Seltzer
Billiard: Buttermilk
Bird seed: Breakfast
Black and white: Chocolate soda with vanilla ice cream
Blood hounds in the hay: Hot dogs and sauerkraut
Blow out patches: Pancakes
Blue plate special: a dish of meat, potato, vegetable also daily special
Boiled leaves: Tea
Bossy in a bowl: Beef stew
Bow Wow, Ground hog: A hot dog
Bowl of Red: Chili con carne
Break it and shake it: Add egg to a drink
Breath: Onion
Bridge Party: Four of any thing (from the bridge game)
Bubble dancer: Dish washer
Bullets or whistleberries: Baked beans (because of supposed flatulence)
Burn one: Fry a hamburger
Burn one, take it through the garden: Hamburger with lettuce tomato, onion
Burn the British: Toasted English muffin
Cackle fruit: Eggs
Canned cow: Evaporated milk
Chopper: Table knife
CJ: Boston Cream cheese and Jelly
Cowboy or western: A western omelet or sandwich
Cow paste, Skid grease, Axle grease: Butter
Creep: Draft beer
Crowd: Three of any thing (as in, “Two is company three is a crowd”)
Customer will take a chance: Hash
Dead eye: Poached eggs
Dough well done with cow: Buttered toast
Drag one through Georgia: Cola with Chocolate syrup
Draw one in the dark: A Black coffee
Draw one or a cup of mud: Cup of coffee
Eighty Six: The kitchen is out of the item ordered
Fifty-five: A glass of root beer
Flop two fry:  Two eggs any style
Frenchman’s delight: Pea soup
Frog sticks: French Fries
Fry two, let the sun shine: 2 eggs with unbroken yolks
GAC: Grilled American cheese sandwich
Gallery: Booth
Go for a walk or on wheels: it’s to go
Grave yard stew: Milk toast buttered toast sprinkled with sugar
Gravel train: Sugar bowl
Hail: Ice
Hemorrhage: Ketchup
High and dry: A plain sandwich with nothing on it
Hockey Puck: A hamburger well done
Hold the hail: No ice
Hot top: Hot Chocolate
Hug one or squeeze one: Orange juice
In the alley: Served as a side dish
Jack Benny: Cheese with bacon )Named after Jack Benny)
Java or Joe: Cup of coffee
Keep off the grass: No Lettuce
Lady Bug: Fountain man
Life preserver: Doughnut
Light House: Ketchup bottle
Looseners: Prunes
Lumber: tooth pick
Machine oil: Syrup
Mike & Ike or the twins: salt & pepper shakers
Million on a platter: Plate of baked beans
Mississippi mud or yellow paint: Mustard
Moo juice, Baby juice, Sweet Alice: Milk
Mystery in the alley: Side order of hash
No cow: without milk
Noah’s boy on bread: Ham sandwich
Noah’s son: Slice of ham (Noah’s second son)
One from the Alps: A Swiss cheese sandwich
Paint it Red: Put ketchup on it
Pair of drawers: two cups of coffee
Pin a rose on it: Add Onion to a order
Put out the lights and cry: Liver and onions
Rabbit food: Lettuce
Radio: Tuna salad sandwich
Sea Dust: Salt
Shake one in the hay: Strawberry milk shake
Shingle with a shimmy and a shake: Buttered toast with jam or jelly
Shoot from the south: Coca Cola™
Smear: Margarine
Soup Jockey: Waitress
Stack or short stack: Order of pancakes
Sun kiss or oh gee: Orange juice
Sweep the kitchen: Hash
Throw it in the mud: Add Chocolate syrup
Two cows, make them cry: two hamburgers with onion
Vermont: Maple syrup
Warts: Olives
Wax: American cheese
Whisky down: rye toast
Whisky: Rye bread
White cow: Vanilla milk shake
Wind mill, Adams ale, city juice, dog soup: A glass of water
Yum yum or sand: Sugar
Zeppelin: Sausage

I got a big kick out of “Put out the lights and cry” – I’m a big fan of liver and onions, but apparently many others are not.

These terms can be very regional and original, so there were likely to be many terms for the same item around the country. A more comprehensive list should be forthcoming when I have the time.

In the meantime, wreck two and make them cry.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

The Matchbook Collection of Margaret Draper

Maggie was a world traveler, and a lover of fine dining. These images are from her collection of matchbooks from numerous places around the world. If she favored New York City, she is to be forgiven, for that is where her heart resided. These are not generally collector-quality, as most matchcover specialists look for unstruck books, but many of them are quite interesting. Perhaps they can find a home with someone who values such things.

Matches 9

Some of the more interesting covers I found while scanning. Le Parisien was a beloved French restaurant in Salt Lake City.

Matches 1 Matches 2 Matches 3 Matches 4 Matches 5 Matches 6 Matches 7 Matches 8

13th Floor Golden Spike Amalfi Ceramic

Ambassador Grill 44th & 1st Ave NYC

Au Fin Bec

Bar at Capitol Hilton DC

Blackstreet Landing Damariscotta ME

Brandywine Downs Atlanta

Brasserie Bretonne DC

Cafe Sorbet DC

Carlton Wine Bar DC

Centro Internazionale Arredamento

Club at the World Trade Center

El Adobe San Juan Capistrano

El Nido Tesuque NM

Fujiya Hotel

Georgetown Hamlet DC

Horikawa Santa Ana

Hotel Utah 2

Hotel Utah

Italy Ceramic

Kleine Konditorei

La Bonne Soupe

Laurent NYC

Le Garage Wiscasset ME

Max Mercier

Morton's The Steakhouse Chicago

New York Marriott

Nino's University Club SLC

Oestasiatiske Kompagni

Opera Espresso Lincoln Center

Paris Milano NYC

Pepe's Cupertino

Petroglyph Santa Fe

Randolph's

Roof Terrace Restaurant at JFK Center, DC

Russian Tea Room 2

Russian Tea Room NYC

Santa Fe NYC

Sardis

The Carvery Mayflower DC

Trattoria Lombardi Dallas

Vincenzo DC 2

Vincenzo DC

Watergate 2

Watergate

Zephyr Grill NYC

A “forward from Grandma”: Our generation is awesome.

should-you-forward-that-email

I used to get all kinds of effluence in my inbox, mostly from people forwarding things to me that they could have debunked with a 5-second visit to Snopes.com, or telling me that Microsoft would pay 20¢ to some cancer fund for each forward (they won’t.) In the course of telling people that these kinds of viral messages were essentially destructive time-wasters, the deluge has dwindled to a trickle.

But every now and then I get something that I like, and which I feel is worth sharing. This is one of them.

I had to do some massive re-formatting of the text, removing countless exclamation points!!!! fixing grammar and punctuaton, and making it look less like some clickbait thing from BuzzFeed, but when you get down to the core ideas, they resonate with me. Without further ado (I’ve added some notes):


To those of us born 1925 – 1979, and to all the kids who survived the 1930s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s:

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. 1

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank kool-aid made with real white sugar. And we weren’t overweight. Why? Because we were always outside playing. 2

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day, and we were okay.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have play stations, Nintendos and Xboxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet and no chat rooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them!

☛ We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents. 3

We played outside, in parks and on the streets, alone, and nobody accused our parents of neglect. 4

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given B-B guns for our 10th birthdays, 22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that.

130715_SNUT_BaseballDadSign.jpg.CROP.article250-medium

Signs like this were not needed.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

When we got bad grades, we were punished – not the teacher.

teachersnow_590_332

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If you are one of those born between 1925-1970, congratulations!


Naturally, these are not absolutes, but rather thoughts about how our society has changed. Sadly, despite all the amazing advances, not always for the better.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Notes:

1) Yes, this and some of the other things mentioned above did cause accidents, health issues, and injuries. They still do. But strip away the lawyers and the nanny state, and most people would still survive.

2) There were some overweight kids. But they were the exception, rather than an ever-growing statistic.

3) This is my favorite one. I execrate the litigious nature of today’s society.

4) They even have a term for this nowadays: free-range parenting. This is abomination. Back then, it was just the way life was.

Keeping Welsh (and Bees) Alive.

Note: This article was originally published at FT.com (Financial Times). It is copyright. They have indicated that these articles can be shared with their “sharing tools,” and added, “Please don’t cut articles from FT.com and redistribute by email or post to the web.”

That would be fine, if they didn’t use that accursed “complete a survey to read this full article” ploy. Or make you register (i.e. give them your information) to read “3 free articles per month.” Both of these are scummy tactics which serve no purpose other than to drive people away from a website; to Pluto with that. So, FT, get rid of the surveys and the paywall and I’ll be happy to link people directly to your site. Until then, hard lines.


Wil Griffiths set up an organisation that aims to save the bees and his native tongue

Welsh beekeeper Wil Griffith

©Gareth Phillips

Wil Griffith: ‘When we started, other beekeepers thought we were racist’

Welsh has always lent itself to prose and poetry, to music and singing. But it has never been associated with scientific matters, and beekeeping is a science. If the language is to survive, it needs to expand into all aspects of everyday life.

I run the only Welsh-language beekeeping association in Wales. I set up Cymdeithas Gwenynwyr Cymraeg Ceredigion (the Ceredigion Welsh Beekeeping Association) at the end of the 1960s with two aims: survival of the bee and survival of the language.

Our Welsh beekeeping terms are not a pure translation of English terms because word-for-word translation is meaningless. For example, in a beehive, honey is stored in the very top of the hive, in the top box. The term in English is “super” — as in “superintendent”. It means “above”. But “above” would not be used that way in Welsh. The more usual Welsh word is “lloft” — meaning “upstairs”. So, in determining new terminology, we use everyday words that make sense to a Welsh ear. I wrote a book, Dyn Y Mel (The Honeyman) in which our Welsh terms are listed. In English, the term is “beekeeper” but, again, in Welsh, “dyn y mel” is more common.

I’m well over 80 now but I started beekeeping 60 years ago. At about that time modern hives were introduced. Before then, beekeepers had used closed straw skeps — but suddenly, for the first time, they were able to see what was taking place within the hive.

Modern terms were coined to reflect these changes, which flustered the older beekeepers. Very experienced beekeepers, who were first-language Welsh, were at a loss. The terminology involved was beyond them, particularly if it was in English.

Today our association has about 30 members and we even put on an annual show in a pub for our honey and mead. Finding enough bilingual judges is always a problem. As they are tasting, the judges must comment out loud in Welsh.

Beekeeping can be hazardous. A friend went to shift a hive late one evening and didn’t bother with protective clothing; a bee crawled into his ear. We tried to get it out but couldn’t. The only way was to drown it, and the only liquid we had to hand was a bottle of brown ale. So that was poured in and the bee floated out. But there’s no special term — in Welsh or English — for these beekeeping mishaps.

Our members do not have to speak Welsh — but we are true to our founding principles. At meetings, English speakers sit next to someone bilingual — most of us are — who will quietly translate for them. After a season or so, they have a good smattering of the language.

When we started other beekeepers thought we were racist. But what is wrong with studying in our native tongue? People would not be surprised if beekeeping associations in France or Germany discussed beekeeping in French or German. Why be surprised about Welsh?

The best way to keep a language alive is to place it at the centre of everyday life. In my county, Ceredigion, Welsh is a minority language. There has been a big fall in the number of native speakers in the past 30 years, and people are realising that we are in danger of losing one of the oldest languages in Europe.

Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2015

DIY Part II – Things worked out better this time.

So the CD player in my 2007 Prius went South; wouldn’t eject disks any longer. Time to get a new one.

Called up two dealerships requesting information.

  • Dealer 1: $365.00 for a re-manufactured unit plus about 2 hours of labor at $108.00 per hour.
  • Dealer 2: $1200.00 for a new unit plus similar installation charges. No mention of the possibility of gettting a refurbished unit. Holy hqiz.

Thinking I would have to do without a CD player, because those prices were definitely beyond my means at this moment.

Then I found this outfit that had refurbished units for $199.00, and the video below that details how to replace the part myself.

The guy who made the video missed a couple of screws and got one bit out of order (you have to remove the far-left vent cover before being able to access the second screw on the bottom panel), but it worked out; I was able to swap the unit out with very little difficulty, and I was astonished at how easily and with what precision everything fit together again when I was done.

ick

My car did look pretty much like this by the time I was down to the stereo. It looked really scary, but now you can’t tell that anything had ever been done.

This little escapade saved me between $400 and $1000, depending on which dealership I might have gone with.

Takeaway: Always compare dealerships, don’t take any of them at their word, and if you can possibly find a way to do the work yourself, do it.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Utah Speak

Utah has its own language and its own dialect, especially when you get out of the cosmopolitan areas. This list of Utah words was assembled by the Radio from Hell show.

Liar
Skiddin
Sway
Mart
Al
Scout
Strew
Sarah
Zrenny
Meetin
Smelp
Bulimia
Cheatin
Skit
Sain
Skweet
Jeat
Snot
Stew
Zis
Smee
Frude
Frignernt
Melk
Mungry
Lechin
Galna
(lawyer)
(just kidding)
(this way)
(my heart)
(owl)
(lets go out)
(it’s true)
(is there a)
(is there any)
(I am eating)
(some help)
(believe me, I …)
(what are you eating)
(let’s get)
(saying)
(let’s go eat)
(did you eat)
(is not)
(is too)
(who is this)
(it’s me)
(for rude)
(for ignorant)
(milk)
(I’m hungry)
(let you in)
(gallon of)

Other phenomena have been observed, such as the tendency of vowels to go from tense to lax before /l/, resulting in things like “Bell the Hay, George, there’s a hellstorm coming.” The phenomenon is not limited to production, but also perception; my ex-wife always referred to my cousin Del as “Dale” – i.e. she couldn’t hear the difference between the two phonemes in that position.

Southern Utahns have a heavy tendency to pronounce words like “born” and “Mormon” as “barn” and “Marmon.” This has been stigmatized as “hick speech,” and some people, aware of this, can overcompensate when trying to avoid the appearance of being a jay, coming up with things like “horpsichard.”

Here in Utah, we call that little gray bug that rolls up when you touch it a “potato bug,” rather than whatever you probably call it, and the thing that goes down the middle of two freeway lanes is called a “bar pit.” “Caught” and “cot” are identical here, as are “Mary,” “merry,” and “marry.” Coming from New York, I distinguish between these words, and have never given up the distinction although I’ve lived in Utah for 46 years.

Lastly, Utah is famous for its double modals, such as “might could,” “might would,” etc, as well as the odd names with interstitial majuscules like “LaVar,” “DuWayne,” and such things. If you want some real technical stuff, a preliminary survey of Northern Utah speech can be found here.

Strew.

The Old Wolf has spoken. Er maybe spoke, dunno.

Do it yourself: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

About 15 years ago I bought this Braun shaver, and it served me well for at least 15 years. The rechargeable batteries finally wore out, and I wondered if it would be worth trying to replace them myself rather than pay an appliance repairman ten prices for the privilege.

How to open it? I found a totally useless article on eHow (typical of all these crowdsourced answer sites like WikiHow, FixYa, Yahoo! Answers, and so many others – the blind leading the rutting blind) and then figured out how to get the thing open myself. Once you do, getting to the guts is pretty easy – and the little electronic board with the batteries pops right out. Nice German engineering.

I bought a couple of new NiMH rechargeables, and set about replacing them. The beggar was that those batteries were not soldered to the board, the were spot-welded at the contact points… but with some careful work I was able to get them out.

Popped the new batteries in, and the whole board started to smoke and melt.

Crap. I must have put the new batteries in backwards or something. I thought I was doing it right.

20150415_164000

RIP Braun – It’s the component in the front that really lit up – what looks like burning under the left battery is just residue from the original adhesive.

So this particular attempt at DIY didn’t work out so well… but that’s how I learn. Over the last half-century, I’ve assembled enough handyman skills to install a bathroom into a totally unfinished space, and all of that experience came from just jumping in and doing it. I made mistakes along the way, but these days most things go pretty smoothly.

So I had to run out and get a new Braun (I feel very loyal to that brand, I’ve been using good Braun shavers since 1974, the first one bought in Austria) and hopefully this one will last me at least 15 years, by which time I’ll get my grandkids to buy me a new one for Christmas, so I won’t have to try this particular experiment again.

I’m sure there will be others.

The Old Wolf has spoken.


PS: Ah, the luscious smell of burning silicon…

The Punt Gun – otherwise known as “dynamite fishing for waterfowl”

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Matthew Quigley would probably have messed his pants had he been able to see this. Such a contraption seems to put his Sharp’s Buffalo Gun to shame, although it was designed for an entirely different purpose.

These guns were so large and their recoil so powerful that they were generally affixed to small hunting watercraft (punts); the force of the discharge would often drive the punt backwards a considerable distance.

gunboat

Use of a gun of this nature makes the small craft look like a duck-hunting battleship. While the idea is to be able to kill large numbers of waterfowl at once for commercial hunting enterprises, one wonders if a weapon of this nature would not be more likely to atomize its target!

The Wikipedia article indicates that the use of punt guns in large fleets led to depletion of wild game, and that in the early 20th century market hunting was outlawed, making the use of these weapons either illegal or impractical.

The title of this post refers to blast fishing, almost always illegal because it’s unsportsmanlike, dangerous to the environment, and dangerous for those who attempt it.

The above idiots were lucky that they didn’t lose hands, arms, or heads.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

RTFM, and never trust the dealer.

2007-toyota-prius-5dr-hb-natl-angular-front-exterior-view_100271619_s
Eight years.

Eight years of frustration could have been avoided had I simply taken the trouble to read my 2007 Prius’ Owner’s Manual when I bought the thing.

Now, I love my Prius. I hope it lasts forever because she’s been really good to me. But it has a few annoying quirks, and one of my biggest complaints was that with the smart key system, you touch the driver’s side door and the driver’s side door unlocks – but only that one. (Touching the other doors would unlock all of them, but I wouldn’t generally do that when using the car alone.)

I’d get in, go to work, and then try to get in the back door or the hatchback to get a briefcase or something, and the door was still locked. A first world problem to be sure, but when it’s raining out, it was a major pain to have to get back in the front door, press the “unlock button,” and then be able to open the other doors. Finally my patience had worn thin enough that I decided to see if it could be fixed.

I called the dealership where I bought the car (now 60 miles away), and asked them if this feature could be programmed. The first lady I spoke to said, “Sure, just bring it in.” Wonderful! Then my cynicism meter redlined, and I called a Toyota dealership closer to me. “No,” they said, “no, that function cannot be changed.”

BS Meter

Dang. Whom to trust? I called the first dealership back again, and explained what the other had said. I didn’t want to drive all the way up there only to be told, “Oh, we were wrong.” I got a plate of waffles this time: “Well, we need to have you come up and have the technician hook up his computer and see if your vehicle allows for that function before we’ll know for sure. The diagnostic charge will be $ABunchOfMoney, and if he can change the function, it will be $ALotMore.” Thank you, I appreciate your time. Click.

Good thing I didn’t drive all the way up based on the first “Sure, we can do that.” Now what to do? Once again I put it on the back burner.

About a month later, I decided to do some more searching on the internet, and  I finally discovered this video. Fully half of it is advertising, and the remainder is almost unwatchable, but props to whomever made it because it led me to a solution. The first thing I noticed was that the kid in the video had pulled out the Owner’s Manual. At that point I stopped watching the Cloverfield-style camera work, and went to drag out my own.

Really? You mean, the answer might just be in the Owner’s Manual?

The 2007 Prius has a slightly different manual than the 2008 shown in the video, but sure enough, after a bit of searching I found something in the “Smart Entry and Start System” section; I had to hunt around because the index in the manual was probably written by a drunken lemur pay attention Toyota.

manual

So it turns out that if I held down the “lock” and “panic” button together for about 5 seconds, the car makes a bunch of beeps and the unlocking pattern rotates to the next option in the cycle. Done. Free. Heaven knows how much Dealer A would have charged me, or if they would have even been able to figure it out themselves.

I’ve learned a couple of lessons here.

Lesson 1: If I ever buy a new car, I’ll be sure to Read The Freaking Manual cover-to-cover and take notes. Yesterday as I was happily telling my wife about my triumph, she noted with her usual dry wit that I might even discover other wonderful things if I were to do so with this one. Make it so.

rtfm

Lesson 2: Never trust a car dealership to tell you the absolute truth. Some will outright lie to you, and others just won’t know. Dealer 1 told me that they could fix my problem just to get me in the shop, without even really knowing if the issue was fixable or not. Dealer 2 was ignorant. In the interest of fairness, folks who work in such places are just people; car models change every year, each car has a myriad of different features, and it would be hard for even a top service technician to keep abreast of all of them. Moreover, after 8 years there’s a high probability that the folks working there have only been on the job for a few years and don’t know as much about “older models.” That said, there is a certain expectation of competence when one reaches out to a dealership, so I was left with some residual disappointment that nobody bothered to give me accurate information.

But I’m pleased. A small burr has been removed from under my saddle, and the relief is palpable.

The Old Wolf has spoken.