150 quotes overheard in LA

Here’s the scoop on LA, in 150 amusing overheard quotes. I found this at Bored Panda, which they lifted from the Instagram account Overheard LA, where you can see more of these.

As usual it’s broken up into 15 pages so they can serve up an obscene amount of ads, and everything is in image files. So here it is in plain text:

Guy staring at ambulance in front of Whole Foods;
“Somebody must have accidentally ate gluten.”

Customer: “You close at 6:30, right?”
Barista: “Yes, but we close emotionally at 6.”

“He’s 31, but like North Carolina-31, like, 2 kids and a mortgage. 31-year-old dudes in Los Angeles are just learning how to cook a **** chicken.”

Bouncer: “Sorry. I need to see an ID.”
Girl: “I told you… I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”

“I think I want her back, dude.”
“Did she get a haircut when you broke up?”
“You’re out of luck. She doesn’t want you back.”

“What’s wrong, why are you so quiet?”
“Nothing, I’m fine. I’m just saving my personality for when everyone else gets here.”

(Reminded me of this gem from Dave Berg, click it for a larger version:)
Dave Berg Georgie

“And then he texted me as soon as he got Wi-Fin in Mexico.”
“That’s all I want… To be someone’s first thought once they get Wi-Fi.”

“I want to go on a trip with you at some point.”
“Like acid or travel?”

“Every psycho I’ve ever dated was a Leo.”
“Every psycho I’ve ever dated believed in Astrology.”

“Excuse me, can I read your palms? You just have beautiful energy and I could feel it from across the parking lot.”
“That’s my anxiety disorder.”

“Honestly, why are the older generations so judgmental, they were Millennials once too.”
“No… no that’s not how that word works.”

“My mom won’t let me go to your house anymore because your parents watch Fox News.
(Little Boy to Friend)

Cashier:  “How are you today?”
Customer: “Ok.”
Cashier: “Life isn’t supposed to be lived ‘just ok’.”
Customer: “Look, I just came here for some coconut water, not a **** life coach.”

Babysitter: “What city do you live in?”
7-Year-Old: “Santa Monica!”
Babysitter: “Good job! Do you know which state you live in?”
7-Year-Old: “Confusion.”

“I’m dating a guy that’s 6’7″.”
“Is he hot?”
“He’s 6’7″. It doesn’t matter. I don’t even think I’ve seen his face yet.”

Customer: “My name is Bri.”
Cashier: “Brie, like the cheese? Nice to meet you. I’m Mason, like the jar.”

Woman: “I need to buy new pants because the other ones are too big now.”
9-Year-Old: “You don’t need new pants, just more cake till the old ones fit again.”

Cashier: “And how is your day going today, sir?”
Guy: “I’m sorry, this is like my 87th interaction today and I just don’t have it in me.”

“Oh my gosh, sorry, traffic was so bad.”
(5-Year-Old running into ballet class late.)

“How did you get 105% on your final?”
“Oh, my teacher gives us extra credit if we follow her on instagram.”

(Note: “extra credit” reminds me of the story about the OB/GYN who got tired of the rat race and decided to change careers, so he went to auto mechanic school. The final exam involved taking an engine apart and putting it back together again. After the end of the course he received his grades in the mail and was surprised to find out that he had been awarded 250 points out of a possible 200. Not displeased but curious, he called his professor and asked why he had given such a high grade. The instructor responded, “Well, I gave you 100 points for taking the engine apart correctly and 100 points for putting it back together correctly, but I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing it all through the tailpipe!”)

“I mean, she just seems like such a good person to date; she’s not an alcoholic, she’s bnot severely mentally ill, she has a cool dog…”

“What’s the first thing you look for in a girl?”
“Less than 900 followers on Instagram.”

Male Flight Attendant: “Does anyone have a Galaxy Note 7? Bueller? OK good, because the only thing flaming on this plane is going to be me.”

“Sometimes I think I want to have a baby and then I just think I am not even responsible enough for white jeans.”

Nurse: “What is your occupation?”
ER Patient: “I’m an actor, dancer, model, and stylist but right now I work at Chipotle.”

“I wanted to do something cultural, so I took him to the Getty and he actually touched a **** painting. He was like, ‘Is this real?‘ Alarms went off, security came to us, I was so embarrassed. He’s from Florida, so it was his first time at a museum.

“Can we break up somewhere else? This is my favorite Whole Foods.”

“Of Course LA is a tough place to live. It’s a city full of people who were too good for their own hometowns.”

“We had to fire the nanny… my husband found her on an escort site.”
“Why was he looking up escorts?”

“Dating in LA is mostly just explaining your tattoo meanings and food allergies to each other like ‘Hi, I’m gluten intolerant and this is the Japanese word for abundance…’ And that happens on a loop until we all decide to just move back in with our parents.”

Babysitter: “What do you dream about at night?”
7-Year-Old: “I don’t dream, I only have nightmares about this economy.”

“I buy myself an extravagant five every month when I get my period to remind myself what I’d be giving up if I ever got pregnant.”

Cashier: “sign?”
Customer: “Sagittarius.”
Cashier: “I meant I need your signature.”

“First it’s pilot season that award season, now it’s festival season. I feel like LA just creates special seasons to make up for the fact that we don’t have actual seasons.”

“Everyone is getting engaged.”
“Whatever, yesterday the guy at my bakery gave me a free chocolate croissants and it felt like an engagement.”

“Don’t waste your peers on that boy. LA is a desert, you need to stay hydrated.”

“How’s dating going?”
“I’m researching personality disorders. I wanna see how many I can catch and identify, like Pokémon Go but with human men.”

German Friend: “I’m going to Idaho for the holiday.”
American Friend: “Idaho? What is that?”
German Friend: “The state. I-d-a-h-o.”
American Friend: “I’ve literally never heard of it.”

“Why to stop following me?”
“Because your posts annoy the **** out of me. It’s like, we get it, you had a kid.”

“I need to start saving people’s numbers. I accidentally had lunch with the wrong person the other day.”

Dad: “Are the shirts bisexual?”
Salesperson: “You mean unisex?”

“God I love protesting. Expressing myself and getting my 10,000 steps. It’s a win-win.”

Girl: “Gluten-free please.”
Cashier: “Are you allergic?”
Girl: “No, I’m just an asshole.”

“He’s hot, you should speak to him.”
“No, my future boyfriend should still be at work at this time.”

Girl to Friend: “even in a turtleneck should look slutty.”
Stranger: “At least she ain’t got an ugly heart like you.”

“Pretty sure were never getting back together.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Her dog blocked me on Instagram.”

Teenager: “Hold on. I have to Insta that.”
Father: “Yes dear… Continue howling into the void.”

“You’re late. You said you were going to be here in five minutes.”
“That’s an expression, not an actual measurement of time.”

“Every new friend I make is another person who might ask me to drive them to the airport in the future. And I don’t need that.”

Woman: “Excuse me, how long is this march going to go on for?”
Police Officer: “About four more years, Lady.”

“You need to start saying ‘yes’ to things.”
“I did that for a year and I ended up in Miami sleeping on a blowup mattress in a man’s kitchen.”

“I can’t believe my phone doesn’t autocorrect rose to rosé. I feel like it doesn’t even know me.”

“Your son is adorable, how old is he?”
“Oh no, we don’t do age… We are all infinite beings walking on this Earth.”

“My therapist told me I have to read a book called ‘Codependent No More.’ Will you go with me to buy it at the bookstore?”

“I had one line.”
“Wait we talking about coke or acting?”

“You know how I’m getting my period? Getting acne on my face and when I was watching the Tour de France this morning I had to fight the urge to cry at the people running beside the bikers motivating them.”

Judge: “State your profession.”
Potential Juror: “Spiritual advisor. And to clarify, I already know too much about the case to serve as an impartial juror because I’m a clairvoyant.”

Girl to Stranger in tight parking space: “my God how did you park in that spot? That’s amazing! What’s your birthday?”
“Uh, September 22nd.”
“Libra! Yes! Make sense.”

“I took like a five hour nap today.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s just called sleeping.”

“Sorry, I’m late. There was so much traffic… Also, I left the time we were supposed to meet.”

Girl: “Aren’t you gonna take a picture of our food?”
Guy: “I don’t do that anymore.”
Girl: “I’m so proud of you babe.”

Son: “I’m going to go to the pier, get a guitar, take my shirt off and play for people.”
Dad: “yeah, don’t be that guy.”

“Like, it used to be people wouldn’t approach you in bars. Now they won’t even approach you online. The entire species of humans will only be continued by high school sweethearts in the Midwest.”

Customer: “remember that used to be a medium popcorn size?”
Arclight Employee: “just like there used to be a middle class.”

Yoga Teacher coughing: “Sorry to disrupt our meditation but I have a Chia seed stuck in my throat.”

Drunk Woman: “What meat alternatives do you have?”
Cashier: “Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

“Oh my God he’s Facetiming me. What do I do?!”
“I CANT. He hasn’t seen me without a Snapchat filter yet…”

Guy at the LA Pride March:
“If Hillary was president we would be at brunch.”

“You moan more eating this ice cream than you do when we have sex.”
(Guy to Girlfriend)

“He needs to readjust his priorities. He takes two days to respond but two seconds to come.”

Girl to Homeless Guy:
“Hey, can I run into McDonald’s and get you a burger?”
“Um… I’m actually a vegetarian, just get me some large fries, an iced tea and an apple pie instead.”

“I’m over all this hippie health ****.  If I order a sweet crêpe, I want a sweet crêpe. Show me chocolate. Don’t give me apples and tell me it’s dessert. I know **** apples.”

Camp Counselor:
“When it’s your turn, stand and say your name. No Instagram names, human names.”

McDonald’s Clerk: “Here’s your card and here’s your receipt.”
Woman: “Oh, you keep the receipt, I don’t want to remember this tomorrow.”

“She’s 23 and he’s 49. He refuses to eat out with her on Father’s Day because the waiters always think he’s her dad.”

“Yeah he’s definitely rich.”
“How do you know?”
“He had Fiji water in his fridge.”

“He parallel-parked his car on the first try like it was no big deal. He doesn’t even have a rearview camera… That really turns me on.”

“I mean he drove me to LAX on a Friday night… So yeah, I’d say things are serious.”

“True friendship is knowing that your friends would pick you up from LAX, but you care about them too much to ask that ride.”

“Please tell me you didn’t forget to bring the Xanax.”
“Baby, I’d forget to bring YOU before I forgot the Xanax.”

TSA Agent: “Ma’am are you carrying on any medications?”
Older Woman: “How else do you expect me to fly commercial?”

“I used to be considered a catch; a middle-class American male with a good job… But LA girls only date actors, musicians, rich douchebags and **** Australians.”

“We’ve had so much break-up sex that were back together now.”

Quote LA isn’t meant to be lived in, it’s a giant amusement park; you just stay as long as you can before you have to go home.”

“LA isn’t meant to be lived in, it’s a giant amusement park; you just stay as long as you can before you have to go home.”

“I can’t date him his name is too weird.”
“What you mean? His name is Carl.”
“No, his dad is Carl. He’s Carl Jr.”

Lead Singer: “Anyone from the South?”
*Girl in audience cheers loudly
Lead Singer: “where you from?”
Girl: “San Diego.”

“I’ve decided that I want a wedding, just not a marriage.”

“Aw he is so cute! Can I pet him?”
“Please don’t assume her gender pronoun. Cashew’s very sensitive to ignorance.”

“Why wouldn’t we meeting at a vegan restaurant for dinner? Is she vegan?”
“No, she just likes unnecessarily expensive things.”

“Dating in LA is like shopping at IKEA. You go, find something pretty, put it together and hope it doesn’t fall apart.”

Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of impact?”
Witness: “Lululemon leggings and Nikes.”

Customer: “Can I speak to a manager?”
Employee: “Emotionally, he’s not available right now. Is this something I can resolve?”

“How my gonna pick up chicks? I’m a Taurus. Everyone wants the sexual Scorpio or the mysterious Gemini. What am I gonna say… ‘Hi, I’m a Taurus. Stubborn, materialistic, and possessive?'”

“He drove me home and parked in front of the Permit Only sign, then looked at me and said ‘You’re worth the parking ticket.'”

“I think I’ve been in LA too long; I ordered a $5.75 latte and thought, ‘Wow that is really cheap.”

“iPhone 7? No case?”
“I want that kind of wealth.”

“My ex connected with me on LinkedIn. I endorsed him for ‘being a cokehead.’ ”

“You’re watching Harry Potter on the second date? Don’t you think that’s moving a bit too fast?”

“The first time I did acid, I unfollowed all the Jenners and Kardashians on Instagram.”

“I think I’m done with my ‘How hot and fit can I be and how many people can I seduce’ phase. I wanna, like, read books and know albums by name and be funny and ****.”
“I mean, yeah.”

Mom: “How was your day today?”
Five-year-old: “I don’t ask you about your business so why would you ask me about mine?”

“Do you wanna come with us to happy hour after work?”
“Honestly, those people aren’t worth the calories.”

“Can you give it to me the way my daughter gets it?! Doggy Style?”
(Mother at In-N-Out trying to order Animal Style burger.)

“Where are you staying for Coachella? Are you camping?”
“Ew no. I’m staying at a suite at the Marriott, but I won’t wash my hair that way I look like I’m camping.”

“How do I get his attention?”
“Text him ‘I had a dream about you last night’ and then follow up with ‘whoops, wrong person!’ ”

“Were not dragging anyone off.”
(Delta agent. LAX gate 54.)

“I slept with this really horrible hipster, I think it was just because he was tall. No one in LA is tall. It’s all small men with big dreams, you know what I mean??”

“Want to go to Starbucks?”
“No, I’m getting my coffee at McDonald’s this week to help save money for all the Coachella drugs act by on Friday.”

“I compliment her dress and she brags how she got it at a flea market for $9. She has to tell me this every time like she’s some **** archaeologist.”

“It’s just annoying because I’m so LA and I don’t give a **** about anybody, and he’s from Atlanta so he has that Southern hospitality and just wants to help everyone.”

“Does he have money?”
“Well, he always gets guac on his Chipotle, and never fails to order a large popcorn at Arclight. So I guess you could say he’s pretty well-off.”

“What brought you LA?”
“I came here to work on my Instagram.”

Girl: “I think I want to be a Lululemon housewife.”
Guy: “I spent my Saturday morning marching for you.”

“You passed out on Friday and came back Sunday… You’re basically the Jesus of Coachella.”

Woman to Starbucks Barista: “I’m not sure what to get, what would you recommend?”
Woman in line behind her: “are you **** serious?”

“So my doctor said no more Xanax, just an adult coloring book.”

Woman: “Is that lettuce fresh? It doesn’t look fresh. A few there on the top look off.”
Kid behind woman: “Yo, this is **** Chipotle.”

Woman to Apple genius: “My read receipts won’t turn off. I’m trying to play games with men and I don’t want them to see where I read their texts.”

“Welcome to LA, where everyone dates themselves.”

“Dried mango is the beef jerky of Los Angeles.”

“I love LA but I feel like I’ve just walked into an Instagram feed.”

TSA: “What do you need help with, sir?”
Surfer Dude: “I didn’t bring my passport.”
TSA: “Where you going?”
Surfer Dude: “Hawaii.”

“I have the opposite of FOMO. I literally look at his photos to remind myself how grateful I am we’re not together.”

“Ugh space my least favorite weather is wind.”

“Hey do you have cigarette?”
“Haha no, sorry. You’re in Brentwood not Chicago.”

Student: “What major would I love?”
Counselor: ” ‘Do what you love’ is great advice for making 30K a year.”

Pilot over loudspeaker: “So bit about myself… First of all, I’m a Libra.”

Woman pleading to TSA agent throwing out her frozen juices: “Do you have any idea how much a juice cleanse costs!?… Also, I can’t get this in Wisconsin.”

“I’m always late because I have to have an UberBlack pick me up from where my UberPool drops me off so that when I arrive I look important.”

“I’m NEVER buying anything from REVOLVE again!”
“How come?”
“Because I’m basically paying for those blogger bitches’ vacations!”

“Alcohol gives me the courage to be the person my vision board says I’m going to be.”

“In LA we wait for everything. Wait on the freeway, wait for men, waiting for our careers to happen.”

“I swear there’s a neighborhood in LA for every stage in your life. Like, when I’m ready to settle down, I’ll just move to Pasadena.”

*baby hysterically crying*
Random Woman: Is she a Taurus?”

“I didn’t appreciate middle school while I was in it. Being skinny for no reason and having a Bar Mitzvah to go to every weekend. Those were the days.”

“The East Coast takes Adderall like the West Coast takes xanax.”

“Roses die, tacos don’t.”

“In LA, weekends begin on Thursday.”

“It’s like hot yoga outside.”

“Should I get a French Bulldog or a Chanel purse? Because they pretty much cost the same.”

“The 110 is like the 10’s **** little brother.”
What about the 405?”
“The 405 is the 110 and 10’s drunk uncle you constantly avoid because you don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“OMG mom I’m totally fine, I’m only 34. When I’m ready to settle for being housewife I’ll drive down to Orange County and swipe for a day, but until then I know what I signed up for by dating in Los Angeles.”

Customer: Do you have any bars?”
Barista: “Uh … Like Xanax?”
Customer: “No, like granola bars.”

“The word ‘bougie’ comes from the word bourgeois.”
“But bourgeois means middle class?”
“Yeah, but the middle class was lit back then.”

Yoga Instructor:
“Release any rage you have built up like Rob did yesterday.”

Dad: “Is that a line for the soup kitchen? It’s a sad how many homeless people there are.”
Daughter: “That’s Supreme.”

“Stagecoach is like Coachella for Trump supporters.”

“Lorde was at brunch today?”

Having lived in LA, some of these are funny to me – but it was a long time ago. I suspect the up and coming generation will resonate with more of them than I did.

The Old Wolf has spoken.