Make a Translator Mad in Four Words

Posted on September 13, 2016 by The Old Wolf

From a recent Facebook post. Having worked as a freelance translator, these responses spoke to my soul. Yes, a few of them are more than four words, but they’re all good – and they’re all real. I have seen many of these myself.

For what it’s worth, I no longer do this sort of work. The reasons will become obvious. I’ve included a bit of commentary here and there.

Cheap bastards

Agencies make money by charging high rates to clients and paying low rates to translators, reviewers, and proofreaders. They’re always jockeying for a better deal. That’s the nature of business, but when you’re an independent contractor, and your standard rate (calculated to earn you a living) is always being undercut, it’s frightfully annoying. The global access of the Internet means that professional, trained, educated translators must now compete with millions of people in India, China, and elsewhere who “speak a little English” and who are willing to work for 1¢ per word or less.

Best lowest rate required.
What’s your best rate?
Make your best rate.
Make me (a) good price.
Send your best rate.
We pay in visibility. (Visibility and $7.95 will get you a coffee at Starbucks.)
Our budget is limited. (So I’m supposed to subsidize your profit, right?)
Special rates apply to this client. (He’s paying us less, so we’re going to pay you less.)
A discount for volume. (We’re paying less because there’s a lot of work).
It’s the market rate. (Take it or leave it.)
5¢ is not bad. (5¢ per word is shit.)
The others charge less. (Good, feel free to use them.)
Someone charges way less.
Our budget is only …
National Agreement Rate Please.
Could you proofread instead? (Read: Your rate is too high).

Cheaper bastards

Machine translation used to be cumbersome, expensive, and not very effective. Now it’s quick, easy, free, and only a bit more effective. While statistical translation models have made some exciting progress, people who don’t understand the intricacies of language assume that online translation is both free and reliable. Similarly, your neighbor may speak a bit of German, but don’t expect your translation to do well in the commercial arena. In the translation world, you still get what you pay for, and if you go cheap, you’re likely to get crap.

Google Translate is cheaper.
We will Google translate.
I’ll do it myself.
I can do it myself.
Neighbour can do it.
Will it cost anything?
Is it for free?
That much? No way!
The font was wrong. (Followed by “Will you accept 50%?”)
I could do it, but…
Could do it myself, but…
You’re overpaid.

Cheapest bastards

It’s not uncommon for an unethical agency to get a job, break it up into 20 segments, offer the job to 20 translators and have them each do part of the work as a “test,” then award the bid to nobody.

Please do this test.
Please complete test assignment.
We require (a) free test.
Test translation without charge.
Download the test translation.
It’s for a tender. (We need your free translation to make the bid.)

Scheduling headaches

Contractors spend a lot of time juggling their resources against customer needs. Agencies don’t care.

We’d like it for tomorrow.
Have you begun yet?
Great, don’t proceed yet.
Client brought deadlines forward.
The client sent changes.
The client made changes.
6000 words for tomorrow.
20,000 words of light postediting.
We need it yesterday.
Can you deliver early?
Sorry, client cancelled assignment.
End client just cancelled.
Please send your invoice (then we’re going to have minor changes).
File should arrive midnight. (Deadline in 8:00 AM, of course.)
We have a glossary (10 minutes before deadline).
That didn’t need translating… (After you’ve spent a day and a half on “that.”)
Please use US English. (Halfway through a huge project meant to be in UK English!).
Please deliver tomorrow morning.
Translate in real time! (What does this even mean?)
Client isn’t in a hurry (Followed, 2 months later, by “Client needs it ASAP”).
The project is cancelled (in the morning of due date!).

Your skills are worthless!

Anyone can translate. It’s just typing in another language.

(It doesn’t need to be translated,) just type this in Portuguese
Everyone can do it!
So you teach English?
You’re a translator? Then why don’t you give English courses?
What is your work?
Please do the shopping.
Go get the kids.
Don’t think, just translate!
What’s your real job?
Do you also teach?
You have done nothing.

Technical Headaches

“You need to use our tools, yours are garbage.”

Trados is a must.
TRANSIT is a must.
Across is a must.
[Insert CAT tool name of choice] is a must.
Use our online TM-tool.
We only use Excel. (Translating in Excel is a nightmare, if you were wondering.)
Please translate into Excel.
Your file doesn’t open.

Not only that, in the world of translation, these CAT (Computer-assisted translation tools) are de rigeur. They can be useful in speeding up translation and improving terminological consistency, but agencies routinely take advantage of this and pay less than the full rate for things that the software has translated for you. This ignores the fact that the translator is responsible for the coherence of the entire job and must read and evaluate every bit and piece of the work for accuracy. This alone is the major reason I stepped out of the freelance translation world. My rate per target word is X¢, period. Pay it or go somewhere else. Translators who survive in the industry pretty much have to suck it up, but I wasn’t willing.

We don’t pay repetitions.
Pro-rated for fuzzy match.
100% matches for free.
Discount for fuzzies applied.
Fractional Payment for Repetitions.

Payment Headaches

In the US, standard terms are 30 days net. Around the world, it’s not uncommon for translation agencies to expect translators to wait 60, 90, or even up to 180 days for payment of invoices (they usually claim that they’re waiting for their clients to pay them.) This is unethical in the extreme, but not an uncommon strategy in the business world.

We forgot your payment.
Did you send your invoice? (Yes, I did, 60 days ago.)
Net forty-five days.
The payment will delay.
Thanks for your patience. (After payment was delayed for a month).
Check’s in the mail. (Yes, people still use this one.)
Our accountant on vacation.

We know better than you.

Never mind your skills, the next person is always smarter.

Reviewer says you failed.
Is “the” necessary here?
Let me correct that.
I speak two languages.
(S)he knows better.
(S)he is a [language] teacher.
Proofreader does not agree. (Proofreaders know bupkis about translation.)
Changes made by proofreader.
My secretary edited it.
This translation is bad.
But Google translate says…

Creepy Clients

There is always one.

What are you wearing?

General Lies

“I have read and agree to the terms of service”

It’s a straightforward text.
It’s a piece of cake.
It’s short and easy.
It is not technical.
It’s not very technical.
Help me, it’s quick.
It only needs editing.
Just a quick question.

Translation Requirements, and Stupid Questions

Things that don’t fall into easily-defined categories.

Do you translate books?
Is Brexit affecting business?
Source text is JPG. (This means you can’t use your CAT tools for the job.)
It’s a PDF – handwritten.
Translate in sticky notes.
It’s mainly doctors’ handwriting.
Please check additional references.
(We know you’re busy but) we’re really shorthanded.
Here’s an XBench report.
It was machine translated.
Added to our database. (Don’t call us, we’ll call you.)
Read 50 pages of instructions (for a 100-word job)
Keep the original format.
You have to cook.
It’s a doctor’s prescription.
Don’t go into details.
Thanks for sharing.
Are you still translating?
Complete our six forms.
There’s no source text. (When proofreading a translation, you need to see the original text. If it’s not there, you’re just basically making wild guesses in the dark.)

About 30 years ago, an ad appeared on the bulletin board of the translation software company I was working at. It probably came from one of the trade publications, and showed a boss ripping an employee a new one. The text read, “Because you had your brother-in-law do the translation, our ad says that our new camera exposes itself automatically!”

I’ve dealt with the risks of translation on the cheap before, and in this one thing has not changed: If you want good translations for your business, use a professional and pay them well – otherwise your product may just bite the wax tadpole.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Hello Lucky Winner (Never answer emails like this)

Posted on September 12, 2016 by The Old Wolf

Bullshit

Hello Lucky Winner,

This might come as a surprise but 100% legitimate, as David and Carol Martin has approved a donation sum of $900,000.00 USD from part of their National Lottery Win of £33,000,000.00 Pound Sterlings. I believe this will come in handy and with it you can also be of assistance to the under privileged within your own community.

To verify the genuineness of this email and our winnings, please see our interview by visiting the web page below;

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-south-scotland-35297396

Your email address was submitted to my wife and I by the Google Management Team and you received this email because we have listed you as one of the lucky beneficiary and all you have to do is get back to us with the below details so that we can direct our Bank to effect valid Bank Draft in your name to your operational bank account in your country.

============

Full Name:
State:
Country:
Occupation:
Age:
Sex:
Mobile/Tel:

============

SEND ABOVE INFORMATION ONLY TRHOUGH OUR CONTACT E-MAIL: madvcl@foxmail.com

Congratulations & Happy Celebrations in Advance

liar2

In case you were wondering, letters or emails or faxes like this are pure BS. Never respond, never send the money the scammers will invariably ask for (taxes, fees, bribes, you name it.)

Grandmarina

Be good then, and don’t!

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Fun with Linguistic Symposia

Posted on September 12, 2016 by The Old Wolf

Academic symposia are great fun if you don’t have a reputation to defend. Listening to a presentation can be informative, but the true entertainment value arises when you watch numerous ivory-tower types begin to shred one another’s theories.

This bit of doggerel has been floating around in my humor files since the 70s (first pulled off a chain printer), and deserves to be appreciated by a new generation of linguists.

With no further ado, I present to you a collection of (allegedly) real interactions documented at early gatherings of linguists. First up:

A Taxonomy of Argument Schemata in Metatheoretic Discussions of Syntax
or
Name That Tune

I. Logical Argumentation

If A = ¬A, then my position is true.
Therefore, since A = ¬A, …
A: ¬p.
B: Since you agree that p, …
P is absurd, therefore q.

II. Now you see it, now...

Your argument supports my position.
I’m aware of these putative counter-arguments, but…
Let me rephrase that so that it agrees with my position…
I think that is true, but I’m not sure it means anything.

III. The Reasoned Response

I don’t see the argument.
I don’t like your example.
That’s not a problem in my theory.
It’s my opinion, and it’s very true.
I still say that…

IV. Papa Knows Best

You say that, but you don’t believe it.
You believe this, but you won’t say it.
What you really believe is ____, and I agree with you.
Our disagreement is merely semantic.
Don’t be misled by the similarity between A and A. It’s merely a superficial identity.

V. Audience Participation: Let’s take a vote!

VI. The Pre-emption

You’re right, but I said it first!
What you say is wrong, and I said it first!

VII. The Putdown

You can’t do it either
That’s true, but uninteresting in the ____ sense!

VIII. Advancing to the rear

I knew that analysis was wrong before I proposed it.
Of course my analysis is wrong in detail – *all* analyses are wrong in detail.

IX. The Principled Argument

A: Shut up!
B: No, *you* shut up!
A: No, *YOU* shut up!

But wait, there’s more!

An Ancillary Guide To Understanding a Syntax Conference

What the Speaker Says	What the Speaker Means
These examples are from Dyirbal, a widely discussed language, so I will assume familiarity.	I don’t know the language well enough to answer questions, so don’t ask any.
When you stop to think about what you said, it doesn’t say anything.	I don’t understand it.
Some examples are vague; the others are simply wrong.	I can’t quite put an argument together, but I still want to attack yours.
No one has ever studied “X”.	I haven’t studied it, and neither have my friends.
I may have to retreat (there is a possibility), which is a wise thing to do when you are wrong.	I assure you that you are a good guy if you say that you are wrong.
Nobody is going to be converted to another side at this conference. This is not a tournament in which someone will win the main prize.	This is my excuse for not accepting anyone else’s argument, regardless of how valid it may be.
It is significant in an “interesting” way.	I could possible squeeze an article or two out of it.

It’s been a long time since I’ve attended one of these conclaves, but I have no doubt that such things are still heard if you listen closely.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

“Indian Counting” – Een, teen, tether, fether, fip!

Posted on September 7, 2016 by The Old Wolf

OK, caveat here: it’s may not be Native American counting, but that’s how it was presented to me by my math teacher (Mr. Sommerville, go ndéanai Dia trócaire air) in high school, around 1967. On the other hand, maybe it is.

The entire schema as he presented it was:

Een, teen, tether, fether, fip,
Satra, latra, co, tethery, dick,
Eendick, teendick, tetherdick, fetherdick, bump,
Eenbump, teenbump, tetherbump, fetherbump, didick!

Being testosterone-soaked boys, everyone laughed at hearing the word “dick” used as a number, and then life went on. I had heard it once, and remembered fragments of it forever.

Then came the Internet, where almost everything arcane has a tendency to show up if you wait long enough. I would search occasionally, and over time, bits and pieces appeared; now there is a full-blown Wikipedia article entitled “Yan tan tethera,” and the real story becomes quite complicated.

Over at Wovember Words, the matter is treated thusly (the whole page is worth a read):

The only reference we could find anywhere confirming connections between the counting words of Native Americans with those used in the North of England is in a musical written in 1957, called The Music Man. There is a scene in this play where the wife of the Mayor exclaims “I will now count to twenty in the Indian tongue! Een teen tuther featherfip!” Is this line in the play responsible for the idea that Native American peoples were using these old counting words with their Gaelic origins, or does it reflect that through the dark mechanisms of Imperialism the counting words were imposed onto Native American culture by the time the play was written?

Lincolnshire Shepherds counted:
Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pinp,
Sethera, lethera, hovera, covera, di,
Yen-a-dik, tan-a-dick, tethera-dik, pethera-dik, bumfit,
Yan-a-bumfit, tan-a-bumfit, tuthera-bumfit, pethera-bumfit, figgit.

At the same time, around 1890, Native Americans were also using:
Een, teen, thuther, futher, fipps,
Suther, luther, uther, duther, dix,
Een-dix, teen-dix, tuther-dix, futher-dix, bumpit,
Anny-bumpit, tanny-bumpit, tuther-bumpit, futher-bumpit, giggit, Anny-gigit.

If you listen to the soundtrack of the movie version of “The Music Man” carefully, there’s a bit more:

Eulalie begins: Een teen tuther feather fip!
The chorus chants: Sakey, Lakey, Corey Ippy Gip (This may not be 100% accurate as these words do not appear in the screenplay)
Eulalie continues: Eendik Teendik Tetherdik Fethertik … (she is interrupted by a firecracker)

So we can see that it’s entirely possible that these counters, very similar to the Brythonic counting systems – too close to be coincidental – may have been transmitted very early by some oral channel to Native Americans, and that by folklore tradition a knowledge of these counters worked their way down cultural pathways to be included in the play and movie.

Language and its history are curious things, with enough puzzles and questions for lifetimes of study – even the whimsical bits.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Scientific American, Don’t Do This

Posted on August 29, 2016 by The Old Wolf

Recently saw this article on SA’s website about the Dragonfly Galaxy, a mysterious, diffuse star cluster that appears to be made predominantly of dark matter.

scientific

The problem is that the picture on the article is not the Dragonfly galaxy, but rather the Sombrero galaxy. Yes, the caption says this – but clearly Sombrero cuts a much more impressive figure than Dragonfly (seen below.)

dragonfly44-1200x840

There’s nowhere on SA’s website to give feedback, so I’m obliged to post it here, in the hopes that someone who cares might just possibly see it.

This is called “clickbait,” and even if it’s a very small example, it should be above the standards of this publication. So please, editors and webmasters – have a bit more integrity than this.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Coin Prices: Part II

Posted on August 24, 2016 by The Old Wolf

In a recent article, I mentioned a set of coins offered by PCS Stamps and Coins, and showed how much of a markup these people were getting.

Since their ads keep popping up on my mobile phone, I thought I’d add just one more example of how putting lipstick on a pig can bamboozle the ill-informed.

Today’s offering: A complete date set of the Peace Dollar, in protective plastic capsules and a handsome cabinet. Price: $848.00

7a4268ce-4729-4f16-8008-2860380995d8_400_0

Complete 10-coin set, with cabinet

23f2fbbd-b0d2-400b-975d-e89c3af5b7b5_400_0

United States Peace Dollar

No question, the set is very pretty. But:

Per the advertisement, these coins are offered in “gently circulated condition.” This is essentially a meaningless statement for collectors; let’s look at the average dealer asking price for a similar set as presented by the Professional Coin Grading Service:

grading

Note that these are average dealer asking prices for PCGS-graded coins; buyers of this set have no guarantee that these coins have been graded by anyone.

The price for a set of coins in 40-grade (Extra Fine) is $442, and the odds that you’ll get a set of coins in this condition are vanishingly small. So you’re paying at least twice the price of these items for the bonus of a cheap cabinet from China and a few plastic capsules.

If you’re thinking this is a good investment, it’s not. You could assemble the same set for much, much less by visiting different coin stores online or in person, armed with the PCGS grading and pricing information.

Be careful out there, and don’t be taken in by the bells and whistles of slick advertising promotions.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Carpenter’s Sandwiches, 1932

Posted on August 21, 2016 by The Old Wolf

West Sunset Boulevard & Vine Street, Los Angeles, California.

(Click image for full-size version. Just look at those prices…)

A wonderful memory of early Los Angeles – before my time, certainly, but along the same lines as some other unusual LA restaurants that I do remember.

Hoot-Hoot-Ice-Cream

I’ve mentioned Hoot Hoot I Scream before; another great collection of ephemera from Los Angeles can be found at Shelter From the Storm, including the coffee pot restaurant seen below.

Coffee Pot Restaurant

Most of these unusual eateries are gone, replaced by restaurants whose gimmick is found inside rather than outside. As for me, I miss places like this. I still grin when I drive along the freeway on a road trip and see a huge Sapp Bros. water tank decked out to look like a coffee pot.

Sapp

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Coin collecting – nobody makes money but the dealers.

Posted on August 14, 2016 by The Old Wolf

I learned this lesson the hard way as a kid, as I sank endless amounts of allowance and paychecks and tips into a coin collection and various and sundry offerings from the Franklin Mint, touted as “brilliant investments” and “guaranteed to be coveted”. Yes, some of the things I gathered were very pretty, but 50 years later when it came time to divest myself of the items for this reason and that, I found out that most of the stuff was worth: melt value. That’s just the sad reality of the collecting world.

The same holds true for stamps: the mint sheets of things like the Mercury mission

301748

Face value: $4.00. Dealer price today: $18.40. Hardly a brilliant investment over time, and that’s for a mint sheet. Certainly not what my father envisioned as he gathered sheets like this which I ended up inheriting. Individual cancelled stamps collected from envelopes will fetch you… well, kindling, really. With the exception of a few very rare beauties, stamp collecting is a hobby for amateurs (in the original sense, meaning “those who love”) rather than investors.

Not that dealers out there are not still trying to flummox the unwise and the uninformed. Look at this beautiful collection of Liberty Seated coins from PCS stamps and coins, offered for only two payments of $295.00:

5cd6ba31-248f-4733-ad48-84a5cd678138_400_0

Yes, it’s very attractive. Here’s the potential breakdown of value, taken from the PCGS website – you can be sure that the coins you get will be the commonest (hence cheapest) varieties out there, and all in “Very Good” condition, or between grade 8 and 10.

1877 CC Liberty Seated Half Dollar – grade 8 – $59.00
1876 CC Liberty Seated Quarter – Grade 8 – $60.00
1876 CC Liberty Seated Dime – Grade 8 – $29.00

Total $148.00

That pretty little case probably costs about 30.00 or less from a dealer in China – so for a premium of $400.00 you can have someone put together a set of coins that you could own for 1/3 the price. Even 50 years down the road, don’t expect your investment to appreciate anywhere near that much.

Old US coinage can be beautiful, and top specimens command insane prices from the wealthy bidders who buy them at auction – but if you want to make money from collecting coins… become a dealer.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

End the Madness

Posted on August 12, 2016 by The Old Wolf

Reuters recently reported that an Egyptian Judoka refused to shake hands with his Israeli opponent after a match at the Olympics in Rio.

It’s all the more sad because there were so many supporters on El Shehaby who encouraged him not to participate, because it would “shame Islam;” this is the pinnacle of resistance, resentment, and revenge, the zenith (or nadir, looked at another way) of stupidity. The Olympics is about building bridges, not about being a pettish douche. And this goes for anyone who does such things – El Shahaby is only the teacher in the moment.

In 1969, Bobby Darin wrote:

Now no doubt some folks enjoy doin’ battle
Like presidents and ministers and kings
But let us build them shelves where they can fight among themselves
and leave the people be who like to sing! (Simple Song of Freedom)

I invite all who would perpetuate this psychopathic, internecine conflict of the ages to toddle off into the desert somewhere, far, far away, and blow each other up until there is no one left – a sort of Middle East Hunger Games, if you will – and leave decent people, Arab and Jew alike, to dwell together in the land in harmony as they have at many points in history. Knock down the borders. Don’t call the land Israel. Don’t call it Falastina. Call it “Rainë,” the Quenya word for Peace.

I don’t care who your God is. I don’t care if it’s יְהֹוָה or الله. I’m neither Jewish nor Muslim, but I can tell you this – whoever God may be, he’s probably mighty pissed with both sides of this millennia-long conflict. Stop it. If you don’t, this will be the inevitable result:

This is my opinion, and my opinion only. If you think otherwise, I volunteer you as tribute.

Comments are disabled for this post. If you have other thoughts, post them at your own blog.

Playing in the World Game

As One

Author Archives: The Old Wolf

Make a Translator Mad in Four Words

Hello Lucky Winner (Never answer emails like this)

Fun with Linguistic Symposia

“Indian Counting” – Een, teen, tether, fether, fip!

Scientific American, Don’t Do This

Coin Prices: Part II

Carpenter’s Sandwiches, 1932

Coin collecting – nobody makes money but the dealers.