On July 19, 2013, the Cassini spacecraft took advantage of a total eclipse of the sun from behind Saturn to turn its camera back toward Earth. This particular event was publicized in time for people to turn out and wave at the camera, the first time that people on Earth knew ahead of time that their picture would be taken from space.
I waved from my car… if I look hard enough, I think I can see us on the road between Spanish Fork and Payson.
The Earth and the moon from Cassini, beyond the orbit of Saturn. (Click for full resolution – the moon is about one pixel in this image)
In 1959 or thereabouts, I was the proud possessor of a book called A Treasury of Laughs for Boys and Girls, edited by Joanna Strong and Tom B. Leonard, and published by Hart in 1948. I loved this book more than almost any other. As time went on, my copy was lost, and I mourned until I chanced to find in around 1990 (stuffed under the lowest shelf of the dirtiest used bookstore I have ever been in) another copy, which now occupies an honored place on my shelves.
One of the many pieces of wit and wisdom found in the book was the poem whose title graces this post. I reproduce it for you here – and I happened to think of it because of a verse in Lonnie Donegan’s song “Lively.”
OLD MAID AND THE BURGLAR
Oh, listen to the story of a burglar bold
Who broke into a house;
He opened the window and crept inside,
As silent as a mouse.
He hoped to get some swag;
He hoped to make a haul;
But if he’d known ’twas an old maid’s house,
He wouldn’t have had the gall.
At nine the skinny old maid came in;
“Oh, I’m so tired,” she said.
And thinking that all was quite all right,
She didn’t look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her her head;
The burglar had a thousand fits
As he watched from under the bed!
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck.
The old maid wasn’t asleep at all;
She grabbed him by the neck.
She didn’t scream or holler or yell,
She was as calm as a clam;
And all she said was “Saints be praised!
At last I found a man!”
From under the pillow a pistol she took,
And to the burglar said,
“Young man, if you don’t marry me,
I’ll blow off the top of your head.”
The burglar was too scared to yell;
He was too scared to scoot –
He took one look at her big glass eye
And said, “For pity’s sake, shoot!”
There are a number of versions of this poem around – another set of verses can be found at The Mudcat Cafe, and here is a version set to song by Ernest Stoneman and his Dixie Mountaineers:
Some hunting around at YouTube will find other versions still. I’m glad some of them have been preserved for future generations.
“Cocktails for Two” is a song that was popular in the 30’s; this version is sung by Bing Crosby:
Spike Jones
Spike Jones, however, had a lot more fun with this song; here are two versions, the first from a nightclub performance, the second a theatrical short. Both feature the vocalizations of “glugmaster” Carl Grayson, an extremely talented but tragic performer. Grayson’s writeup refers to “Hawaiian War Chant,” the last piece Jones did with Grayson’s participation[1] – you can hear it here, with the “glugging” beginning around 1’12”.)
Carl Grayson
The Old Wolf has spoken.
[1]With the exception of some later guest appearances and recordings of “Morpheus” and “Carmen.”
I can’t tell you when I heard this song for the first time – it’s literally been decades. But today I happened to use the phrase “it’s a penny to a quid” (similar to the US expression “it’s dimes to dollars”), and every time I hear or use that phrase, this song pops into my mind. And thanks to the miracle of the Internet, which is busy recording for posterity almost everything that can be salvaged – what a great historical tool it is, too – I can share it with you.
Lonnie Donovan was a British skiffle musician (Americans, think Jug Band) popular in the 1960’s.
Lively!
by Lonnie Donegan
Now, “lively” is a funny word
It means a lot of things
But to the burglar people
An urgent call it brings
Cause’ when they breakin’ open safes
Or nailin’ up mail vans
Lively! just means “Scarper boys”
To all the different gangs
Chorus:
Lively, lively, the night is going fast
Lively, lively, we both got murky pasts
Lively, lively, don’t leave that bloke untied
Cause’ if you did it’s a penny to a quid that we both end up inside!
Solo 1
We broke into a spinster’s house
While she was knelt in prayer
She was praying for a man
what sort she didn’t care
We had to dive beneath the bed
The dust fair made us sneeze
“Cor, that was quick!” the old girl cried
And jumped up off her knees!
Repeat Chorus
Solo 2
Now we rehearsed for days and days
A smash an’ grab to do
“You throw the brick” one bloke said
“And I’ll leave the grab to you”
The brick went through the window
“Now grab! – they cried – “And quick!”
It wasn’t till we got away I found I’d grabbed our brick!
[spoken]
Oh lively, lively…
Here…
I sung this song once at a policemen’s dance
But I was only singing for coppers
Oooo what a gagster
Whilst on the run once from the law I rushed into a church
I mixed with lots of people just to confuse the search
I’ve found meself right up the front, the best place I could hide
I had a fright when some bloke said “Got the ring? Here comes the bride!”
Whoops!
Chorus
Solo 3
The shop steward of our union was up before the judge
Who sentenced him to 18 months, our steward lodged a grudge
The maximum is twelve M’lud[1], the judge replied “What rot!”
You always wanted time and half and that’s just what you’ve got!”
Lively, lively, the night is going fast
Lively, lively, we both got murky pasts
Lively, lively, don’t leave that bloke untied
Or if you did it’s a penny to a quid
Oh Gawd Blimey, here comes Hymie
La, La, twopence[2] on your jar
(Different Voice) Rosin on the bow and here we go!
(yet another voice) Good luck then snapper, here comes the coppers!
(Lonnie again) I’ve had some beer, if we run in here…
We both end up insiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!
[1] M’lud = “My Lord”
[2] *twopence (pronounced “tuppence”) – The price you would get for taking clean Glass Jam Jars back to the shop, along with most types of glass bottles.
Here’s another example of Donovan’s work – Grand Coulee Dam
Lastly, a more modern example of Donegan’s work (he passed away in 2002), in the framework of an appearance on Michael Barrymore’s show (a British “Tonight Show” sort of thing.) Ignore Barrymore, he sort of mucks up the performance, but it shows Donegan toward the end of his life, still “lively!”.
This is one of the most convincing fake messages I’ve seen. Most of these attempts are the epitome of crudeness, filled with bad grammar, bad spelling, and unusual phrasing. However:
I’ve had my account with PayPal for years
Financial institutions and companies will neverask you to verify private financial information by phone or email
Invariably you will be asked to log in (thus providing your UserID and password; the more brazen will then go on to ask you for bank account info, credit card info (including PIN numbers), address, birthday, Social Security Number, and anything else you’re fool enough to provide.
NEVER provide financial information online unless you are at a secure site that you know for a fact is trustworthy. Be careful out there.
In a previous post, I used this clever innovation to springboard an exploration of my earliest stirrings as a prescriptive grammarian – an affliction I am pleased to say I was able to shake off over time. It was a good idea, especially for its time; and even though the patent on the name has expired, and nothing is said about it any longer, the idea persists.
Friday we were coming out of a showing of “Now You See Me” – phenomenal show, by the way, I recommend it highly – and they were giving out sample packs of “Krave,” a new cereal that would rival Calvin’s “Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs” for unhealth:
But as I happened to examine the back, the light was just right and there they were… the Kel-Bowl-Pac perforations. I would be curious to know if anyone ever uses these little boxes the way they were designed, or if it’s just one of those manufacturing holdovers that no one ever thought to do away with. Whatever the case, it gave me a smile.
Mom’s been gone now almost two years – it hardly seems possible. But the scammers of the world still have her name on their lists. Yesterday we received a piece of mail addressed to her, from one of the most infuriating, amoral, and soulless scumbags out there: Joseph Rockfiller, the “Grand Treasurer of the Order of Saint Expedit.”
The entire communication is below.
Rockfiller is without doubt a pseudonym, and the photo on the letter assuredly a model.
Almost everyone knows about the Nigerian Advance Fee Fraud, also called the “419” scam, but letters like the one above, mailed out to hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, are often more likely to attract victims, because they target the elderly and the infirm, those who are least educated, and more likely to believe the camel ejecta they are filled with.
I have mentioned this kind of fraud before, on the Sweepstakes Fraud Factsheet website, specifically mentions a scammer operating under the name of “Mathias,” and the letter that arrived yesterday is exactly the same kind of exasperating nonsense. “Mathias” only wanted $30.00 to start, but this Rockfiller operation is going for the brass ring, requesting “contributions” between $50.00 and $150.00, with commensurate “rewards” awaiting the faithful who swallow this excrement.
The address where victims send their money is 423 Brookline Avenue, #314, Boston, MA 02215:
The address is a UPS store; scammers of this nature invariably use maildrops or post office boxes to try to cover their trails. One of the things about scams like this is that although they violate all sorts of laws, the Post Office doesn’t give a rat’s south-40. I’ve taken many scummy mailings of this sort to my post office, and all I get is a blank stare or a “we can’t do anything about it” answer. Seriously irritating. Whether this outfit is operating from Boston or not is uncertain – On page 2, in tiny print, are the words “Human capital SA – MH 96960 Majuro.” If you failed geography, Majuro is a small atoll in the Marshall Islands, but that business name and address appears to be a dead end, or perhaps a red herring.
Just some of the mind-boggling horse-crap contained in this letter:
Secret prayers (“This prayer, that will be revealed as soon as you have become a full-fledged member of our Order…”)
Hollow promises – (“$450,000 have been put aside for you!”; By making a $150.00 offering to Saint Expedit and reciting his prayer: Will bring you $500.00 in a months time, $5,000 in two months time or $150,000 over a three month period.”)
Flattering weasel words (“A successor of the 1st circle cannont be just anyone! He or she must possess within themselves the stigmata of St. Expedit” … You are one of us … You are the missing piece of the equation.”)
General bullshit (“During the middle ages it was our mystical cognition which allowed our brother alchemists to transform lead into gold.”)
Screaming contradictions (“NATURALLY ALL OF THIS IS TOTALLY FREE! All that is asked of you is to choose the sum you wish to offer to the Order of Saint Expedit as noted in his mystical works, a minimum of $50.00 and a maximum of $150.00”).
The rest you can read for yourself, if you have the stomach for it.
The point of this exercise is simply to get the word out. If you have vulnerable loved ones, please monitor their mail. If they get on a “sucker list,” they will get hundreds of these solicitations and similar ones, and they stand to lose their money, their identity, and their dignity.
The above graphic (click on it for a larger version) shows how many brands and products are controlled by just nine food conglomerates. The chains go so deep that unless you have a roadmap, it’s almost impossible to know if a product you’re buying comes from an independent producer or one of the giants. Moreover, a number of these large entities have been in trouble with environmentalists and regulators for various advertising violations, health issues, or environmentally-unfriendly practices. If you’re trying to be a responsible consumer, it becomes a lot harder when there’s so much misdirection.
The good news is, the Internet has so much information available that with patience and diligence, almost any question can be answered. Just don’t trust sources like Ask.com or Yahoo! Answers, which are tantamount to the stupid leading the blind.
From: “Abranco” <demoonth@demo.ontha.com> To: <recipient list> Subject: Government Job Offer
Dear Sir or Madam
Would you like to work for the Government organization and participate in the development of the United States? Perhaps it is your talent the country needs at this moment.
Requirements – U.S. citizenship and minimum age 21
We invite you to work closely, anyone who does not care about the life of the state.
If you are a student, military, businessman, retired – we’ll be happy to listen to the opinions of everyone and take help from you.
Please send a brief summary to the human resource assistant on the lyne.holt@gmail.com and you will be assigned to interview.
Yupyup, gotta get me some of that action.
Just in case you’re not sure about emails like this? They’re total frauds. Government bureaucrats may not be the brightest candles on the cake, but most of them know how to speak English; the writers of emails like this always leave behind telltale signatures: poor grammar, odd constructions, and mis-spelled words.
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Playing in the World Game 