Rebuses

These word plays have been around for a long time, but here is a cluster I found while cleaning and digitizing the things I have collected in file cabinets over the last four decades. (Answers at the end, don’t cheat!)

1)

Backward Glance

2)

Crack of Dawn

3)

Crossroads

4)

Undertaking

5)

Tricycle

6)

Touchdown

7)

Split Level

8)

Six Feet

9)

Sandbox

10)

Reading

11)

Odd Couple

12)

Mind Over Matter

13)

Man Overboard

14)

Lying Down

15)

Long Underwear

16)

Life After Death

17)

Hijinks

18)
Faults

19)

Eggs

20)

Degrees

21) Bonus: French Language rebus

French

Answers:

  1. A backward glance
  2. Getting up at the crack of dawn
  3. Crossroads
  4. I understand you undertake to undermine my undertaking
  5. Tricycle
  6. Touchdown
  7. Split level
  8. Six feet underground
  9. Sandbox
  10. Reading between the lines
  11. Odd couple
  12. Mind over matter
  13. Man overboard
  14. Lying down on the job
  15. Long underwear
  16. Life after death
  17. Hijinks
  18. Be above quarrels between man and woman, there are faults on both sides
  19. Two eggs over easy
  20. Three degrees below zero
  21. Un grand abbé, plein d’appétit, à traversé Paris sans danger.

As a small item of interest, these were originally formatted on the Xerox 6085 Desktop Publishing System in around 1986.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

How to Fit-up Your Computer (aka Translation Troubles)

octopus

Translation has always been more or less an afterthought for most companies, and overseas firms that manufacture goods for the USA often (obviously!) cut corners by saying things like “Oh, give it to Miss Chen, she speaks some English.”

The results were predictably bad.  Nowadays things have improved a little, but it was not uncommon in the latter part of the 20th Century to see things like the following:


How To Fit-up Your Computer

Clear the area on which you are to put back together the divorced parts. Make sure the room is all there. Popping out of the boxes should be:

  • An attractive monitor giving enlivening displays.
  • An efficient keyboard for the tipping of. (A mouse can be put on the second hand if that’s your turn-on.)
  • A fortified central processing unit where all types of characters can be juggled with.
  • And last, strict instruction on hand in either floppy or hard appearance.

Look within now to see if you have any surprises. If you are unfortunate enough to have something missing, or there is an unexpected presence, your local dealer will be willing to examine.

IMPORTANT!! Before you can plug it, you must ensure that the virgin monitor is fitted with a proper adapter in order to cope with your man’s supply.

To start assembly, pray central processing unit is in room provided. Have compartment ready for stuffed batteries. Repeat once a year. Check monitor not being supplied, then carefully drip onto unit. Now marry the tarts by inserting dangling cables. Finally, ready position for coupling behind keyboard.

You should now be ready to switch on to many hours of trouble-free commuting.


Naturally, “Engrish” is still a thing. The translation industry worldwide has undergone a sea change as the internet has opened markets to people living in third-world countries who might never have had access; and agencies take advantage of CAT tools to pay translators fractions of a cent per word based on how many times words or phrases are repeated. This is a scandal and a crime, and the main reason I got out of the freelance translation business, but that’s a subject for another rant.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Woo Water

Visitng a LYS (Local Yarn Shop) in Logan, Utah, I had a glance at the April 2, 2015 edition of Time™ while my wife was finishing up her browsing.

And once again it was confirmed that there’s a sucker born every minute.

Producers try to replicate the success of coconut water

Coconut water, the trendy sports drink that’s exploded into a $400 million-a-year business in the U.S., has new competition. Bottled-water outfits are trying to sell consumers on H2O with vegetables, tree saps and other flavored ingredients. Startups and small companies especially are marketing a raft of new products spiked with a little extra…

Coconut water? I had never heard of such a thing. But have a look at all the wannabes who are jumping on the money train:

water

©Time Magazine

Claims, claims, claims! Improves digestion, soothes sore throats, revitalizes, liver detox, hangover relief, woo, woo, woo! In today’s atmosphere of anti-science and galloping gullibility, there is more opportunity to profit from the ignorance of the masses than ever. Plus ça change…

Edit: Props to Sharon Neeman for catching an error: Victoria’s Kitchen Almond water makes no claims at all, except that it’s delicious and refreshing, which I could certainly get behind if that sort of thing appealed to me.

Petroleum

Lucky Luke, “À l’ombre des derricks”

Snake oil salesmen and purveyors of medical quackery have been around since the dawn of time, but let marketing departments get a whiff of a trend, and the trickle becomes a deluge.

I have nothing against natural remedies per se, and have expanded on this topic in other articles. What I do object to is pure

BS Meter

which these products are, and I recommend that you save your money.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

DIY Part II – Things worked out better this time.

So the CD player in my 2007 Prius went South; wouldn’t eject disks any longer. Time to get a new one.

Called up two dealerships requesting information.

  • Dealer 1: $365.00 for a re-manufactured unit plus about 2 hours of labor at $108.00 per hour.
  • Dealer 2: $1200.00 for a new unit plus similar installation charges. No mention of the possibility of gettting a refurbished unit. Holy hqiz.

Thinking I would have to do without a CD player, because those prices were definitely beyond my means at this moment.

Then I found this outfit that had refurbished units for $199.00, and the video below that details how to replace the part myself.

The guy who made the video missed a couple of screws and got one bit out of order (you have to remove the far-left vent cover before being able to access the second screw on the bottom panel), but it worked out; I was able to swap the unit out with very little difficulty, and I was astonished at how easily and with what precision everything fit together again when I was done.

ick

My car did look pretty much like this by the time I was down to the stereo. It looked really scary, but now you can’t tell that anything had ever been done.

This little escapade saved me between $400 and $1000, depending on which dealership I might have gone with.

Takeaway: Always compare dealerships, don’t take any of them at their word, and if you can possibly find a way to do the work yourself, do it.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Scam – RE: It’s OK…….Call (202) 241 6918

An email that arrived yesterday from “Victor Brown.” The interesting thing is that I called this Washington, DC number and got a recording with a decidedly African accent. The message I left is not suitable for public consumption.


From: Victor Brown <victorbrown08@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: It’s OK…….Call (202) 241 6918

To: ldncntr@mail.com

I have sent you some emails concerning your unclaimed compensation funds but have not gotten favorable reply from you. Why? If you are no longer interested in your unclaimed approved funds, let me know and it would be reassigned to the next batch of claimants or reverted to the coffers immediately for domestic appropriation.

What have I done to you that you have decided to destroy all the good work I have done for you to bring your funds release process to completion? I have done everything humanly possible to complete your funds release process but you are becoming unconcerned, unyielding and uncooperative lately. Why have you decided to ruin this transaction after I have virtually completed the entire release process?

Why haven’t you complied as I directed so that we can get this done within 6 hours and you get your approved funds without hindrance? Why are you delaying? I have expended resources to bring this transaction to this conclusive end but your silence is discouraging. 753 out of the 755 persons in our last 3 Batches Payment Schedule have received their entitlements but I have been waiting to hear from you for days as you promised by no word till now.
Are you ok? All is set to get this transaction completed for you get your funds as soon as I hear from you.
Please get back to me and comply so that the transaction can be completed as scheduled.

Yours Faithfully,
Victor Brown
NW Washington, D.C. 20008
Telephone: (202) 241 6918
Email: vicbrown@consultant.com


It goes without saying that this is a Nigerian 419 email. What I found interesting is that the USA has forwarding numbers similar to the famous UK redirect prefix “44 70”.

Please be careful out there, and make sure your loved ones are protected from this kind of criminal activity. There is no money waiting in Africa for anyone.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

A grandson I never knew I had…

Cross-posted from Livejournal

Clams1

In October of 2009, while feasting on clams at Cap’n Cat’s Clam Bar and Tavern in Westville, NJ, *Urp! Excuse me!*, I got my first phone call ever from my grandson. He was in trouble, oh so much trouble. Car accident. Thank Mogg, he wasn’t hurt badly. And I knew what was coming next: would I be able to wire him $3,000 via Western Union to help him with expenses?

Well, I shut this drone down in a hurry – although I was surprised that he called back right after I had told him to shove his scam where the sun don’t shine. He probably wanted to return the favor, but I didn’t bother to answer.

How this scam works is beyond me. They call elderly people, and open the call with “Hello, Grandpa”? (or Grandma). They never identify themselves by name. If the person responds, “Is this (Tommy)”? they immediately say yes, and they have a name to work with. They’re invariably in trouble. Sometimes overseas. Accident, arrested, what have you. Just need a loan to help them get fixed, bailed out, pay doctor bills, etc. Just wire the funds via Western Union.

This guy didn’t sound Nigerian. He was definitely North American. How he got my cell number is beyond me, because I’m not listed anywhere. And at the time I only had two grandchildren, both girls, aged 3 and 6, although now I do have a beautiful grandson, but he’s still under a year old.

To all within the sound of my voice: If anyone wants money via Western Union or bank transfer, hang up.

If you think a relative may truly be in trouble, verify who you’re talking to with some questions that only the relative in question could answer. Better yet, get a number where you can call them back and then verify the matter with another relative. If a kid’s in jail, a night in the pokey never hurt anyone… it will give you time to check the facts first.

Edit: Here’s a complete rundown of how the scam works, from the Michigan Attorney General.

The Old Wolf has spoken

Gasp! My $2,500,000 is gone!

Subject: IF YOU FAIL TO SEND THE $40 THIS WEEK YOUR $2.500, 000.00 IS GONE
From: IMF OFFICIAL <imfpublicaffairs01@gmail.com>

To: undisclosed-recipients:;

INTERNATIONAL MONITORING FUND NATIONAL HOUSE OF ASSEMBLY COMPLEX
SENATE HOUSE – UPPER CHAMBERS WUSE DISTRICT, COTONOU/BENIN REPUBLIC
Our Ref: FGN /SNT/STB

IF YOU FAIL TO SEND THE $40 THIS WEEK YOUR $2.500, 000.00 IS GONE

I have to inform you again, that we are not playing over this, I know my reason for the continuous sending of this notification to you, the fact is that you can’t seem to trust any one again over this payment for what you have been in cantered in many months ago, but I want you to trust me, I cannot scam you for $40 it is for bank processing of your payment, the fees of $40 is clearly written to you before, I did not invent the bill to defraud you of $40 it is an official bank payment processing fee, and the good part of this, is that you will never, ever be disturbed again over any kind of payment, this is final, and the forms from there becomes effective once we submit your payment application processing fee and pay the form fee of $40 I don’t want you to loose this fund this time, because you may never get another such good opportunity, the federal government is keen and very determined to pay your overdue debts, this is not a fluke, I would not want you to loose this fund out of ignorance, I will send you all the documents as soon as bank payment processing fee is paid, you have to trust me, you will get your fund, find a way to get $40 you will not loose it,instead it will bring your financial breakthrough, find the money and send it to our bursary.

The reason why am sending you this IS because I want you to receive your USD2.5M immediately we are trying to round up for this payment program.The processing charges which was initially on the high price has been cut down by the payout bank considering the poor economic situations that make it difficult for the middle class citizens to meet up with the processing charges of their entitlement. Upon the confirmation of your processing charges you will get your $2.500, 000.00 into your account within 15hrs.

Here is the payment information through western union money transfer or money gram money transfer finally my advice to you is not to abandon this transaction because of the requirement of ($40) Account Officer Info:

Send the fee through Western Union or Money Gram only.

Receiver’s first Name: Joe Mba

City:::::::::::::: Cotonou
Country: ::::::::Benin Republic
Text Question: ::::::code
Answer::::::::code
Amount required: :::::::$40
Sender’s Name:::::
MTCN Number#:
Sender’s address:

As soon as the payment is received today, you will receive your $2.5M the same today without any delay.

Best Regards
Mrs. Waziri Lukman


Suffice it to say this is just another Benin scam; and as usual, the takeaway is that all such letters promising  you money from Africa are criminal enterprises designed to get your money. It’s interesting that these boys are scratching for the tiniest sums, but of course anyone who pays them will be asked for more, and more, and more until their funds are gone or until they catch on.

NEVER SEND MONEY BY WESTERN UNION OR MONEY CARD OR ANY OTHER SUCH SERVICE TO SOMEONE YOU DO NOT KNOW. IF YOU DO, YOUR MONEY WILL BE GONE FOREVER.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Nothing Equal about This

“Separate but Equal” was the rallying cry of racism.

2w9FJnW

Original caption: Charlotte, NC: A crowd of youths taunts Dorothy Geraldine Counts, 15, as she walks to a previously all-white Harding High School to enroll. Leaving the school, she was pelted with trash, small sticks and pebbles. (Copyright Bettmann/Corbis / AP Images)

Anyone who dared go up against the idea that schools should be integrated found themselves the target of really classy behavior;

On the morning of September 4, 1957, fifteen-year-old Dorothy Counts set out on a harrowing path toward Harding High, where-as the first African American to attend the all-white school -she was greeted by a jeering swarm of boys who spat, threw trash, and yelled epithets at her as she entered the building.

Charlotte Observer photographer Don Sturkey captured the ugly incident on film, and in the days that followed, the searing image appeared not just in the local paper but in newspapers around the world.

A week later, the girl in the photograph was gone. Her parents -having been told by the school administrators and police officials that they could not guarantee her safety -sent her to live with a relative in suburban Philadelphia, where she could peacefully attend an integrated school.

The text above, from an article about Dorothy Counts today, recounts just one incident among countless – but sadly, the story doesn’t really have a happy ending.

Ms. Counts, who has long been active in the fight to attain racial tolerance and equality of education and other opportunity, sees things headed in the wrong way.

At West Charlotte High — a predominantly African American school her granddaughter recently graduated from — she says the lack of resources is disturbing.

“At the beginning of the school year, they would go for weeks without books, for weeks without enough chairs for everyone in the classroom,” she says. “When I heard about that I thought, Lord, this brings back memories.”

I wonder what kind of memories Ms. Counts could relate? Here’s a quote from Jonathan Kozol, in his troubling book, Death at an Early Age, which recounts his first year of teaching in the Boston schools in the 60s, Kozol recounted the attitude of racist teachers who infested the system:
“You children should thank God and feel blessed with good luck for all you’ve got. There are so many little children in the world who have been given so much less” [said teacher who didn’t care to address reality.] The books are junk, the paint peels, the cellar stinks, the teachers call you nigger, the windows fall in on your heads. “Thank God that, you don’t live in Russia or Africa! Thank God for all the blessings that you’ve got!”
And now we live in the 21st century, when such inequality, such oppression, such discrimination should be behind us. Yet in a December, 2014 essay, two prominent voices for equality (Grace Ji-Sun Kim and the Rev. Jesse Jackson) point out that what we are now seeing in Baltimore (which at the time of writing had not yet happened) is the result of a continuing pattern of inequality.

The dying words of Eric Garner symbolize our situation. “I can’t breathe” speaks from the grave and describes the circumstances faced by many who are being choked by a system that treats different races and classes of people unequally.

When the banks of black and brown homeowners drove them into foreclosure, we couldn’t breathe.

When inner-city hospital trauma units are closed to those without insurance and the poor are denied access to Medicaid, we can’t breathe.

When inner-city residents are denied access to public transportation to get to where the jobs are, we can’t breathe.

When inner-city schools have a lower tax base to support public education but students have to take the same exams as suburban kids with a stronger tax base, we can’t breathe.

When they changed the formula on PLUS loans loans, poor and black parents couldn’t breathe.

When student-loan debt is greater than credit-card debt, students can’t breathe.

When corporations we support will not advertise with black media, black-owned media can’t breathe.

When Silicon Valley locks us out of boards and corporate suites and locks us out of employment, contracts and entrepreneurial investments, even though we disproportionately use their products, we can’t breathe.

When banks cut off lending and investment to African Americans, they cut off our breath; but the government gave failing banks oxygen tanks with no obligation to help those who paid for the oxygen.

As inequality persists, many are left in the dark, desperate for life and breath.

And yet there are some who wonder why things like Watts and Baltimore happen. What I wonder is why it doesn’t happen more often.

Middle-class America is talking a lot these days about living as the 99%, and there’s merit in that conversation. But I hear more outrage from people who live better than most of the world’s population with regards to their own situation than I do about people in our own country who have virtually next to nothing, and who are being kept in that situation by societal pressures which persist in large part from the days of slavery.

I believe in Reverend King’s dream, but my own dreams go farther.

I have been accused of hoping for a utopia, a socialist paradise, but I believe that as a species, we as humans can do much better for one another than we have ever done. I believe in a world that works for 100% of humanity, where those who have give freely, and where those who have not can work for what they receive; where hate and envy do not trouble us; where divisions over race, religion, and gender are done away; where children are taught principles of humane living with just as much vigor as they are taught their three Rs.

To those who would dismiss these dreams as pie in the sky, I simply say that if we do nothing today, we will live tomorrow the same way we lived yesterday.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Utah Speak

Utah has its own language and its own dialect, especially when you get out of the cosmopolitan areas. This list of Utah words was assembled by the Radio from Hell show.

Liar
Skiddin
Sway
Mart
Al
Scout
Strew
Sarah
Zrenny
Meetin
Smelp
Bulimia
Cheatin
Skit
Sain
Skweet
Jeat
Snot
Stew
Zis
Smee
Frude
Frignernt
Melk
Mungry
Lechin
Galna
(lawyer)
(just kidding)
(this way)
(my heart)
(owl)
(lets go out)
(it’s true)
(is there a)
(is there any)
(I am eating)
(some help)
(believe me, I …)
(what are you eating)
(let’s get)
(saying)
(let’s go eat)
(did you eat)
(is not)
(is too)
(who is this)
(it’s me)
(for rude)
(for ignorant)
(milk)
(I’m hungry)
(let you in)
(gallon of)

Other phenomena have been observed, such as the tendency of vowels to go from tense to lax before /l/, resulting in things like “Bell the Hay, George, there’s a hellstorm coming.” The phenomenon is not limited to production, but also perception; my ex-wife always referred to my cousin Del as “Dale” – i.e. she couldn’t hear the difference between the two phonemes in that position.

Southern Utahns have a heavy tendency to pronounce words like “born” and “Mormon” as “barn” and “Marmon.” This has been stigmatized as “hick speech,” and some people, aware of this, can overcompensate when trying to avoid the appearance of being a jay, coming up with things like “horpsichard.”

Here in Utah, we call that little gray bug that rolls up when you touch it a “potato bug,” rather than whatever you probably call it, and the thing that goes down the middle of two freeway lanes is called a “bar pit.” “Caught” and “cot” are identical here, as are “Mary,” “merry,” and “marry.” Coming from New York, I distinguish between these words, and have never given up the distinction although I’ve lived in Utah for 46 years.

Lastly, Utah is famous for its double modals, such as “might could,” “might would,” etc, as well as the odd names with interstitial majuscules like “LaVar,” “DuWayne,” and such things. If you want some real technical stuff, a preliminary survey of Northern Utah speech can be found here.

Strew.

The Old Wolf has spoken. Er maybe spoke, dunno.

Definitions for a ‘Fictionary’

Something culled from my half-century-old file of random clippings and copies, which are now being digitized. I was amazed, in passing, at how many of these actually had found their way to the Internet over time. This one came up with no hits, and hence deserved to be scanned in and shared.

“Daffynitions” like this have been around for a long time, so it’s difficult to know if these are original creations of Mr. Brandreth, or things he remembered, or a combination of both. Whatever the case, it’s a good collection.


Alphabet Soup

Definitions for a ‘Fictionary’

By Gyles Brandreth

Who was it who first defined the word elliptical as “a kiss” (a lip tickle)? I don’t know, but he was some kind of genius. It has to be the greatest daffynition of all time.

Daffynitions are dictionary definitions run haywire and are specially designed to add hidden dimensions to the words they describe.

G. & C. Merriam Co., the nation’s Largest publisher· of dictionaries, is celebrating its 150th anniversary this year and William A. Lleywellyn, its president, says Merriam will mark its sesquicentennial by “continuing to do what we have always done: develop the most useful English-language dictionaries we know how.”

If Mr. Llewellyn wants to do something really useful to mark his company’s 150th birthday. he’ll take my advice and produce the wry first Merriam-Webster Fictionary it’s a dictionary with a difference: the words are all real. but the definitions are somewhat unex­pected.

To give you (and Mr. Llewellyn) a flavor of what I’ve got in mind here are the daffynitions that I feel definitely deserve a place in the world’s first fictionary:

acorn: an oak in a nutshell
afford: a car some people drive
announce: one-sixteenth of a pound
appear: something you fish off
area code: a sinus condition
arrest: what to take when you’re tired
ashtray: a place where people put ashes when the room doesn’t have a rug
autograph: a chart showing the sales of cars
ax: chopstick
bacteria: the rear of a cafeteria
barber shop: a clip joint
bathing beauty: a girl worth wading for
bee: a hum-bug
beet: a potato with high blood pressure
buccaneer: too much to pay for corn
Camelot: a parking lot for camels
cannibal: one who is fed up with people
chair: headquarters for hindquarters
chicken farm: a large egg plant
conceit: I-strain
crowbar: a bird’s drinking place
denial: where Cleopatra lived
dentist: someone who looks down in the mouth
egomania: a passion for omelets
eraser: what the artist’s wife said when he drew a beautiful girl
extinct: dead skunk
flood: a river that’s too big for its bridges
foul ball: a dance for chickens
gallows: where no noose is good noose
goblet: a small turkey
gossip: letting the chat out of the bag
hogwash: pig’s laundry
home run: a thing you do in a ball game when the ball goes through a window
ice: skid stuff
igloo: an icicle built for two
illegal: a sick bird
incongruous: where the laws are made
information: how air force planes fly
kidney: knee of a baby goat
kindred: a fear of relatives coming
knob: a thing to adore
leopard: a dotted lion
mummy: an Egyptian pressed for time
nail: a long, round object with a flat head which you aim at before you hit your thumb
nursery: a bawl park
operetta: a girl who works for the phone company
ottoman: a car mechanic
out of bounds: a tired kangaroo
paradox: two doctors
paratrooper: an army dropout
parole: a cell-out
pickle: a cucumber in a sour mood
pigeon-toed: half-pigeon, half toad
pink elephant: a beast of bourbon
pretzel: a double-jointed doughnut
printer: a man of letters
propaganda: a socially correct goose
quadruplets: four crying out loud
racetrack: the only place where windows dean people
raisin: a worried grape
rebate: to put another worm on the hook
ringleader: first one in the bathtub
shotgun: a worn-out gun
sleeping bag: a nap sack
snoring: sheet music
southpaw: a daddy from Dixie
tears: glum drops
unabridged: a river you have to swim to cross
undercover agent: spy in bed
vitamin: what you do when someone comes to the house
walkie-talkie: a grounded parrot
washable: to bathe a bull
water cooler: thirst-aid kit
X-ray: belly vision
yellow: what you do when you stub your toe
zoo keeper: a critter-sitter


I add a few others that I happen to remember from somewhere:

rhubarb: bloodshot celery
volcano: a mountain getting its rocks off
booze: Sounds of disapproval.
pun: A weapon of mass distraction.
crustacean: a bakery

The Old Wolf has spoken