Antonio’s Doctor Bill

This whimsical and dark bit of fiction was written by my grandfather, Delbert M. Draper, Sr., and printed in Vol. 1, No. 1, of the University Pen (a student organ of the University of Utah) in January, 1910. G’pa served as the Editor-in-Chief of the publication.

ANTONIO JACKETTA came to America in 1897. He came because the doctor told him, he would die of heart failure in less than five years if he remained in Italy. Antonio was a poor laborer, but his wife and five little black-eyed boys and girls loved him without longing for riches. He was a faithful laborer, moreover, and his wife was so industrious and economical that when the doctor’s rather startling announcement came, she had enough money saved to pay Antonio’s fare to the extreme western part of the United States, where wages were two dollars a day. At that enormous rate Antonio hoped to save enough in two years, at the most, to pay for the transportation of his whole family to the little castle he had already builded in the air.

Arriving in the West, he found conditions as favorable as he expected. He got a job on the railroad, which kept him busy seven days of the week, and, better still, the new climate made him forget that he had a heart, except as the region about it filled with a longing for a tender and happy reunion with his family.

For six months he labored, and for six months he saved, taking time for no other amusement than to read and answer letters from home. His savings were growing into a shining heap, which he counted fondly, not because he was miserly, but because it would soon remove the broad sea that separated him from his loved ones. The size an jingle of the pile set Antonio to calculating on the possibility of sending for them at the end of the year. His figures said it could be done, barring accidents, and provided he gave up on the idea  of a home. Without stating plainly his purpose, he wrote to his wife, covertly hinting at the new possibility, though he did not conceal the fact that the luxury of a home would have to be foregone. In doubtful expectation he, awaited his wife’s reply.

Mrs. Jacketta had been a lace-maker before her marriage, and no sooner had Antonio sailed for America than she began making Venetian lace, which she sold to tourists at a fair profit. It was not without pride, then, that she answered Antonio: “I have half enough money of my own to build a cottage, and the soonest you can name for our sailing will seem a great way off to us.”

Poor Antonio cried when, he got this letter, and thanked the blessed Virgin for so dear a helpmate. On the fourth day following this happy settlement Antonio pitched twice as much dirt as his companions, but on the fifth day, every time he stooped to fill his shovel he felt a little catch in his left side that made him slacken his pace. The next day he pitched only half as much gravel as the laziest man of the gang, for which he was called a measly dago and threatened with discharge. On the seventh day he was unable to work at all, and on the eighth day he was in the hospital, vacillating between life and death. Excitement and over-exertion had renewed his old affliction in an aggravated form. But Antonio was no weakling in will; he refused to die while he had so much for which to live. His recovery might have been more speedy than it was had he known that the railroad company paid the doctor bills of its employees, but he didn’t know, and consequently he was much depressed when he considered how time and money were slipping from his grasp. He improved most rapidly when his mind was in Italy or when enjoying the doctor’s kindly smile and the nurse’s gentle touch, in an atmosphere infinitely sweeter than that of the railroad.

Slowly but surely he regained his strength, and as soon as he was able to be about he visited the doctor at his office. “You have been a very kind to me, doctor,” he said. “You save a de life. But I got a de mon’. I pay all. How much, doctor?”

Antonio had been in the hospital twenty-six days and he judged that the doctor’s time was worth about twice as much as his, on which basis his bill would run up to about one-hundred dollars. Paying this would reduce his savings to two hundred dollars, and at the same time remove the arrival of his wife several months. But he was patient and glad matters were no worse.

The doctor looked at him rather whimsically .He had already received his fee from the railroad company; but here was an opportunity for a practical joke too good to pass. So he said: “You’re a pretty good fellow, Antonio, and I don’t mean to be hard on you. I’ll let you off for five hundred dollars.”

Antonio looked up with wild, staring eyes, and then sank in a heap in the big arm chair. The doctor hastened to raise the limp body, but the face was pallid and the heart was still.

– D.M.D.

Delbert Morley Draper(2)

Brand Imitation – the Sincerest Form of Marketing

Cross-posted from LiveJournal

We’ve all seen them on the shelves, usually down at floor level. Oatie-O’s, Fruity Hoops, Crisp Rice. Store brands trying to cash in on decades worth of marketing by the big boys.1

Depending on your locality, you can find over 50 knock-off brands of Dr Pepper™.

Dr Pepper Clones

As a general rule, these knock-off brands are the abomination of desolation. Mr. Pibb, for example, Coca-Cola’s ubiquitous knockoff of the Doctor, tastes like something wrung from a very ill moose – and yet if you go to a restaurant whose nuts are being tightly squeezed by the Coke™ conglomerate, that’s all you can get. ²

In the case of cereals, the clones sometimes come close, but almost never approximate the quality of the real thing.

Until now.

I’m particular about my cereal. Just about the only one I eat on a regular basis is Quaker’s Life™. I’ve been loyal since it came out in 1961. When it was reformulated in 1998, I was one of many consumers who complained, prompting Quaker to revert to its original formula. So when my better half brought home a box of a new concoction by Kroger called “Living Well,” my thoughts turned darkly to glowing braziers and hot coulters.



(Image from Drawn and Quartered by Charles Addams)

How could they? Like Dr Pepper™, Life™ is unique, with no real head-to-head competition. No one had ever tried to clone it before, and this effort couldn’t possibly be worth the powder to blow it to Hell with. Could it?

Here’s the scary part: Kroger nailed it. Either they have a mole inside Quaker, or they’re buying Life™ in brobdingnagian quantities and repackaging it. Taste, texture, smell, looks – I’d be hard-pressed to tell the difference. It’s that good.

What’s a loyal consumer to do? The driving factor in this economy, I fear, will be price. If Life™ costs $3.00 a box, and I can find Living Well™ on the shelf for $2.50, I’m afraid the clone will win. If, on the other hand, the prices are equivalent or just pennies apart, I’ll go for the real thing.

Sorry, Quaker.


Footnotes:

1 Some particularly egregious examples of cereal knockoffs can be found at The Cheapass Cereal Hall of Fame

² Edit on New Year’s Day 2019: It’s gotten better since I last posted. Here in Maine, Hannaford carries it’s own version of Dr Perky and the diet one as well, and they’re pretty acceptable – and half as expensive as the real thing.

Ursula K. LeGuin: Ever classy and insightful

Recently Ursula K. LeGuin was presented with a well-deserved Lifetime Achievement Award; Neil Gaiman presented her the Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters.

If you love writing or reading, her acceptance speech is worth a look, so I have reproduced a transcript here:

“Thank you Neil. And to the givers of this beautiful reward, my thanks from the heart. My family, my agent, editors, know that my being here is their doing as well as mine, and that the beautiful reward is theirs as much as mine. And I rejoice in accepting it for, and sharing it with, all the writers who were excluded from literature for so long–my fellow authors of fantasy and science fiction. Writers of the imagination, who for the last 50 years watched the beautiful rewards go to the so-called realists.

I think hard times are coming when we will be wanting the voices of writers who can see alternatives to how we live now, and can see through our fear-stricken society and its obsessive technologies, to other ways of being, and even imagine some real grounds for hope. We will need writers who can remember freedom. Poets, visionaries—the realists of a larger reality.

Right now, I think we need writers who know the difference between the production of a market commodity and the practice of an art. Developing written material to suit sales strategies in order to maximize corporate profit and advertising revenue is not quite the same thing as responsible book publishing or authorship. (Thank you, brave applauders.)

Yet I see sales departments given control over editorial. I see my own publishers in a silly panic of ignorance and greed, charging public libraries for an e-book six or seven times more than they charge customers. We just saw a profiteer try to punish a publisher for disobedience and writers threatened by corporate fatwa, and I see a lot of us, the producers, who write the books, and make the books, accepting this. Letting commodity profiteers sell us like deodorant, and tell us what to publish and what to write. (Well, I love you too, darling.)

Books, you know, they’re not just commodities. The profit motive is often in conflict with the aims of art. We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings. Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings. Resistance and change often begin in art, and very often in our art—the art of words.

I have had a long career and a good one. In good company. Now here, at the end of it, I really don’t want to watch American literature get sold down the river. We who live by writing and publishing want—and should demand—our fair share of the proceeds. But the name of our beautiful reward is not profit.

Its name is freedom.

Thank you.”

Ms. LeGuin’s bibliography is visible at Wikipedia.

Ursula has spoken much better than The Old Wolf.

Perspectives

Cross-posted from LiveJournal

In 1962, when I was about to turn 11 years old, I watched what at that time was probably the most terrifying TV episode of The Twilight Zone I had ever seen: “Little Girl Lost”.

What I remembered:

  • A little girl falls through a portal in her bedroom wall and ends up in another dimension.
  • Her parents hear her crying, in different parts of their house, but they can’t see her.
  • The portal keeps getting smaller and smaller, as measured by chalk marks on the wall.
  • She never gets out.

This, of course, was enough to keep me away from walls at night for a long time, never mind the whole separation anxiety thing.

Well, a few years ago, on a whim, I watched the episode again on DVD, and comparing reality to memory was an interesting adventure.

What I experienced:

  • My general recollection was relatively accurate.
  • We never see the portal shrinking – it’s only implied at the end.
  • The girl and her dog are rescued by her father.
  • The girl is voiced by a whiny, petulant adult.
  • The acting was so bad I wanted to slap all three adult characters, each of which had the intelligence of your median ditchdigger.

I had forgotten about Rod Serling hawking the pleasure of smoking Chesterfields at the end of each episode.

In a way, it was nice. Because now the childhood memory can be updated, and any residual creepiness has vanished forever. This was very similar to the experience I had with Terror from the Year 5000.

On a side note, I was also seriously creeped out by “The Thing,” which was a staple on “Million Dollar Movie” in New York; later viewings actually confirmed that I had good reason to be so. It remains a masterpiece of frightfulness to this day.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

The most peaceful monument I’ve ever seen

Cemeteries are peaceful places. For campaign managers, they are an abundant source of additional votes for their candidate:


26 - AddamsDowdForAlderman

Artist: Charles Addams

For genealogists, they are a rich source of family data:

William Draper Senior Tombstone - Incorrect Birthdate

Although one must be careful. This gentleman, my GGG-Grandfather, was actually born in 1774; whoever had the stone made obviously thought, “Ooh, wouldn’t it be cool if we said he was born in the year of independence!” And so it was written, and so it was done. Still, graveyards have given me much information and many leads that I otherwise would not have had.

(A parenthetical plug here for FindAGrave.com, a virtual cemetery containing millions of online memorials.)

Having spent many, many hours haunting various cemeteries in my home town and during my travels around the country, I came to appreciate them as places of peace and contemplation, and sometimes great poignancy.

Monument

This one, located in the Salt Lake City cemetery, makes me mist up every time I see it.

People or their families choose to create memorials in many different ways – just Google the images section for “unusual grave markers” for a selection. Some are bizarre, others frightfully clever.

Today on reddit, I saw another monument posted; it captured my heart immediately.

8fK4lye

Posted by /u/551100, this is the grave marker of Alfred Schnittke. Explained by /u/Rentiak:

“It’s a musical staff with a semibreve (the center bar) indicating a rest or pause in the music. The fermata (the half circle + dot at the top) indicates to hold the note (in this case the rest) as long as desired. The note should then be performed fortississimo (the three f’s at the bottom), meaning it should be performed extremely loudly/strongly.

So it’s an extremely loud/strong rest to be held as long as desired.”

Now that is resting in peace.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

A Spammer selling Spamming

From: “Info” <info@rdsnet.ro>
To: [obfuscated]

Subject: [SPAM] hi there

Hello, i provide different  accounts for mass-spam, you can buy here:
My other contact details:
Email : subhinroy@gmail.com
Email : sueforfollows@gmail.com
Skype: fans4web
Call US – +91-8290403871

You can also buy direct, just send me money to paypal: getbulka@gmail.com and email me transaction id.

His web page is already gone, and I suspect the gmail addresses have already been deleted as well. The country code of the phone number is in India. No real way of knowing where this came from, or where the drone lives. Perhaps the CIA could find out, but they’re too busy spying on American citizens to care.

On the spectrum of criminal activities, this is small potatoes, but it still twists my mind to know that there are so many people out there who care nothing for ethics or morals when it comes to making money.
Old_Wolf_Cry   Sad.
The Old Wolf has spoken.

Scam: Permanent Position – Work at your home

Hello,

European consultatory office is hiring regional agents in Canada! Our company is one of the biggest consultatory companis in Europe. We we are among TOP-5 companis by development rate in 2013-2014.

Our main areas of work are outsource turnkey solutions, opening accounts at financial institutions, taxes refinement. Business running demands in Canada have TRIPLED over the previous 1 2 months. We currently maintain 320 clients. And over 1000 potential clients with whom we are discussing plans at the moment.

To maintain this customer data base we are hiring about 15 to 20 regional agents on the Canadian territory.
Overall hiring schedule: a fortnight of intensified preparation followed by monitoring clients’ contracts and performing some marketing investigations afterwords.

Our nominal reward (even during preparation) is 2000 $ a month.

Get back to me for more detailed information.

Best regards,
Human Resources Department
Mack Maia

It should be painfully obvious that this is a scam. Do not answer this email if you should receive it. I’ve had it three times in the last week, with different names attached: Range Stephenie, Mack Maia, and Hudson Lettie (all fabricated names and email addresses, of course.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Gordon Parks: Alabama, 1950’s

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This beautiful picture by Gordon Parks is one of a series of 40 that will be on display at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta, Georgia. I had posted another image from this series here without attribution, which has now been rectified.

There is very little to say about this era of our history that has not already been said, and better, by other historians and sociologists. Yet this particular image strikes me with the sheer insanity of the entire proposition. Same restaurant, same server, same product, yet a separate window six feet away from the “White” one. None of it makes any sense, and as I take a long view of our nation, I realize that although superficial progress has been made, there is still far too much bigotry alive and well.

Read more about the exhibit at the Daily Mail.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

I’m going to Mars!

Well, at least my name is.

pass

Today’s the last day to get your name on a chip that will be included on Orion’s test flight on December 4th; later submissions can still get on subsequent missions, including to the red planet itself.

You can sign up today, October 31, 2014 at NASA.

My old bones may be earthbound, but my spirit soars to the stars.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Frightfully clever crossover technology marketing

The picture below submitted to reddit by /u/golmal7 shows a flexi-disc CD by Kid Koala entitled “15 Blues Bits.”

AjJVz7a

The top side of the CD comes impressed like a vinyl record, and the disc comes with a cardboard gramophone that you can play.

Here’s a video of the record being played with the included kit:

And here’s what it sounds like on a regular turntable:

I have no idea whether the music on the CD is any good, but that’s innovative marketing.

The Old Wolf has spoken.