Category Archives: Humor

“My hat, it has three corners…”

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I learned this song as a child, as many of us probably did at camp or elsewhere.

My hat, it has three corners,
Three corners has my hat.
And had it not three corners,
It would not be my hat!

Or, in German:

Mein Hut, der hat drei Ecken,
Drei Ecken hat mein Hut,
Und hätt er nicht drei Ecken,
So wär es nicht mein Hut.

It’s sung to an old Italian folk tune, “The Carnival of Venice“:

Only recently, thanks to a Facebook post by a respected friend and colleague, did I learn that the tune has a lot more attached to it than one simple verse.

The starkly minimalist play by Samuel Beckett, “En Attendant Godot” (Waiting for Godot) contains the following song in French, which is endlessly iterative:

Un chien vint dans l’office
Et prit une andouillette;
Alors à coups de louche
Le chef le mit en miettes.

Les autres chiens en ce voyant
Vite vite l’ensevelirent
Au pied d’une croix en bois blanc
Où le passant pouvait lire:

Un chien vint dans l’office…

 A dog went into the kitchen
And stole a piece of bread;
The cook came out with a ladle
And beat him till he was dead.

Then all the dogs came running
And dug the dog a tomb,
And wrote upon the tombstone
For the eyes of dogs to come:

A dog went into the kitchen… (repeat forever)

There are other translations of this song as well; some claim that the German version is the original, which Beckett appropriated for his play:

Ein Mops kam in die Küche
Und stahl dem Koch ein Ei.
Da nahm der Koch den Löffel
Und schlug den Mops entzwei.

So kamen alle Möpse
Und gruben ihm ein Grab
Und setzten einen Grabstein,
Auf dem geschrieben stand:

Ein Mops kam in die Küche…

(Like most folk songs, there are numerous versions with slightly varying words; there is a bawdy German song, non-iterative, that begins “Ich bin ein junges Weibchen” that uses the same melody as well.)

And here’s the Hebrew version:

אל המטבח בא כלב
ועצם שם חטף
אז הטבח חבט בו
הרג אותו עם כף

כל הכלבים אז באו
וקבר לו חפרו
ומצבה הקימו
עליה הם כתבו:

אל המטבח בא כלב…

 El hamitbach ba kelev
Ve-etzem sham chataf
Az hatabach chavat bo
Harag oto im kaf.

Kol haklavim az ba’u
Vekever lo chafru
Umatzeva hekimu
Aleiha hem katvu.

El hamitbach ba kelev…

It is interesting to note that all of these versions can be sung to the same tune, although it is not always used in every interpretation of “Godot.”

The concept of the eternally iterating song poked my memory, and I recalled that when I was a young child, my mother and I would end up rolling in laughter after doing this one for what seemed like hours:

Twas a dark and stormy night!
Three robbers sat in a cave!
“Tell us a story!” said one,
And this is how it begun:

‘Twas a dark and stormy night…

Mother was an actress, and a good one – so every iteration took on a different character when it was her turn.

Finally, there’s this gem written by writer/composer Norman Martin in 1988:

Be grateful. Be grateful, I say, that I didn’t choose to post the 10-hour version!

Many thanks to my colleagues in the translation community for the various versions (whom I shall not name unless they tell me they wish to be identified!)

The Old Wolf has spoken.

150 quotes overheard in LA

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Here’s the scoop on LA, in 150 amusing overheard quotes. I found this at Bored Panda, which they lifted from the Instagram account Overheard LA, where you can see more of these.

As usual it’s broken up into 15 pages so they can serve up an obscene amount of ads, and everything is in image files. So here it is in plain text:

Guy staring at ambulance in front of Whole Foods;
“Somebody must have accidentally ate gluten.”

Customer: “You close at 6:30, right?”
Barista: “Yes, but we close emotionally at 6.”

“He’s 31, but like North Carolina-31, like, 2 kids and a mortgage. 31-year-old dudes in Los Angeles are just learning how to cook a **** chicken.”

Bouncer: “Sorry. I need to see an ID.”
Girl: “I told you… I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”

“I think I want her back, dude.”
“Did she get a haircut when you broke up?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re out of luck. She doesn’t want you back.”

“What’s wrong, why are you so quiet?”
“Nothing, I’m fine. I’m just saving my personality for when everyone else gets here.”

(Reminded me of this gem from Dave Berg, click it for a larger version:)
Dave Berg Georgie

“And then he texted me as soon as he got Wi-Fin in Mexico.”
“That’s all I want… To be someone’s first thought once they get Wi-Fi.”

“I want to go on a trip with you at some point.”
“Like acid or travel?”

“Every psycho I’ve ever dated was a Leo.”
“Every psycho I’ve ever dated believed in Astrology.”

“Excuse me, can I read your palms? You just have beautiful energy and I could feel it from across the parking lot.”
“That’s my anxiety disorder.”

“Honestly, why are the older generations so judgmental, they were Millennials once too.”
“No… no that’s not how that word works.”

“My mom won’t let me go to your house anymore because your parents watch Fox News.”
(Little Boy to Friend)

Cashier:  “How are you today?”
Customer: “Ok.”
Cashier: “Life isn’t supposed to be lived ‘just ok’.”
Customer: “Look, I just came here for some coconut water, not a **** life coach.”

Babysitter: “What city do you live in?”
7-Year-Old: “Santa Monica!”
Babysitter: “Good job! Do you know which state you live in?”
7-Year-Old: “Confusion.”

“I’m dating a guy that’s 6’7″.”
“Is he hot?”
“He’s 6’7″. It doesn’t matter. I don’t even think I’ve seen his face yet.”

Customer: “My name is Bri.”
Cashier: “Brie, like the cheese? Nice to meet you. I’m Mason, like the jar.”

Woman: “I need to buy new pants because the other ones are too big now.”
9-Year-Old: “You don’t need new pants, just more cake till the old ones fit again.”

Cashier: “And how is your day going today, sir?”
Guy: “I’m sorry, this is like my 87th interaction today and I just don’t have it in me.”

“Oh my gosh, sorry, traffic was so bad.”
(5-Year-Old running into ballet class late.)

“How did you get 105% on your final?”
“Oh, my teacher gives us extra credit if we follow her on instagram.”

(Note: “extra credit” reminds me of the story about the OB/GYN who got tired of the rat race and decided to change careers, so he went to auto mechanic school. The final exam involved taking an engine apart and putting it back together again. After the end of the course he received his grades in the mail and was surprised to find out that he had been awarded 250 points out of a possible 200. Not displeased but curious, he called his professor and asked why he had given such a high grade. The instructor responded, “Well, I gave you 100 points for taking the engine apart correctly and 100 points for putting it back together correctly, but I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing it all through the tailpipe!”)

“I mean, she just seems like such a good person to date; she’s not an alcoholic, she’s bnot severely mentally ill, she has a cool dog…”

“What’s the first thing you look for in a girl?”
“Less than 900 followers on Instagram.”

Male Flight Attendant: “Does anyone have a Galaxy Note 7? Bueller? OK good, because the only thing flaming on this plane is going to be me.”

“Sometimes I think I want to have a baby and then I just think I am not even responsible enough for white jeans.”

Nurse: “What is your occupation?”
ER Patient: “I’m an actor, dancer, model, and stylist but right now I work at Chipotle.”

“I wanted to do something cultural, so I took him to the Getty and he actually touched a **** painting. He was like, ‘Is this real?‘ Alarms went off, security came to us, I was so embarrassed. He’s from Florida, so it was his first time at a museum.

“Can we break up somewhere else? This is my favorite Whole Foods.”

“Of Course LA is a tough place to live. It’s a city full of people who were too good for their own hometowns.”

“We had to fire the nanny… my husband found her on an escort site.”
“Why was he looking up escorts?”

“Dating in LA is mostly just explaining your tattoo meanings and food allergies to each other like ‘Hi, I’m gluten intolerant and this is the Japanese word for abundance…’ And that happens on a loop until we all decide to just move back in with our parents.”

Babysitter: “What do you dream about at night?”
7-Year-Old: “I don’t dream, I only have nightmares about this economy.”

“I buy myself an extravagant five every month when I get my period to remind myself what I’d be giving up if I ever got pregnant.”

Cashier: “sign?”
Customer: “Sagittarius.”
Cashier: “I meant I need your signature.”

“First it’s pilot season that award season, now it’s festival season. I feel like LA just creates special seasons to make up for the fact that we don’t have actual seasons.”

“Everyone is getting engaged.”
“Whatever, yesterday the guy at my bakery gave me a free chocolate croissants and it felt like an engagement.”

“Don’t waste your peers on that boy. LA is a desert, you need to stay hydrated.”

“How’s dating going?”
“I’m researching personality disorders. I wanna see how many I can catch and identify, like Pokémon Go but with human men.”

German Friend: “I’m going to Idaho for the holiday.”
American Friend: “Idaho? What is that?”
German Friend: “The state. I-d-a-h-o.”
American Friend: “I’ve literally never heard of it.”

“Why to stop following me?”
“Because your posts annoy the **** out of me. It’s like, we get it, you had a kid.”

“I need to start saving people’s numbers. I accidentally had lunch with the wrong person the other day.”

Dad: “Are the shirts bisexual?”
Salesperson: “You mean unisex?”

“God I love protesting. Expressing myself and getting my 10,000 steps. It’s a win-win.”

Girl: “Gluten-free please.”
Cashier: “Are you allergic?”
Girl: “No, I’m just an asshole.”

“He’s hot, you should speak to him.”
“No, my future boyfriend should still be at work at this time.”

Girl to Friend: “even in a turtleneck should look slutty.”
Stranger: “At least she ain’t got an ugly heart like you.”

“Pretty sure were never getting back together.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Her dog blocked me on Instagram.”

Teenager: “Hold on. I have to Insta that.”
Father: “Yes dear… Continue howling into the void.”

“You’re late. You said you were going to be here in five minutes.”
“That’s an expression, not an actual measurement of time.”

“Every new friend I make is another person who might ask me to drive them to the airport in the future. And I don’t need that.”

Woman: “Excuse me, how long is this march going to go on for?”
Police Officer: “About four more years, Lady.”

“You need to start saying ‘yes’ to things.”
“I did that for a year and I ended up in Miami sleeping on a blowup mattress in a man’s kitchen.”

“I can’t believe my phone doesn’t autocorrect rose to rosé. I feel like it doesn’t even know me.”

“Your son is adorable, how old is he?”
“Oh no, we don’t do age… We are all infinite beings walking on this Earth.”

“My therapist told me I have to read a book called ‘Codependent No More.’ Will you go with me to buy it at the bookstore?”

“I had one line.”
“Wait we talking about coke or acting?”

“You know how I’m getting my period? Getting acne on my face and when I was watching the Tour de France this morning I had to fight the urge to cry at the people running beside the bikers motivating them.”

Judge: “State your profession.”
Potential Juror: “Spiritual advisor. And to clarify, I already know too much about the case to serve as an impartial juror because I’m a clairvoyant.”

Girl to Stranger in tight parking space: “my God how did you park in that spot? That’s amazing! What’s your birthday?”
“Uh, September 22nd.”
“Libra! Yes! Make sense.”

“I took like a five hour nap today.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s just called sleeping.”

“Sorry, I’m late. There was so much traffic… Also, I left the time we were supposed to meet.”

Girl: “Aren’t you gonna take a picture of our food?”
Guy: “I don’t do that anymore.”
Girl: “I’m so proud of you babe.”

Son: “I’m going to go to the pier, get a guitar, take my shirt off and play for people.”
Dad: “yeah, don’t be that guy.”

“Like, it used to be people wouldn’t approach you in bars. Now they won’t even approach you online. The entire species of humans will only be continued by high school sweethearts in the Midwest.”

Customer: “remember that used to be a medium popcorn size?”
Arclight Employee: “just like there used to be a middle class.”

Yoga Teacher coughing: “Sorry to disrupt our meditation but I have a Chia seed stuck in my throat.”

Drunk Woman: “What meat alternatives do you have?”
Cashier: “Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

“Oh my God he’s Facetiming me. What do I do?!”
“ANSWER IT.”
“I CANT. He hasn’t seen me without a Snapchat filter yet…”

Guy at the LA Pride March:
“If Hillary was president we would be at brunch.”

“You moan more eating this ice cream than you do when we have sex.”
(Guy to Girlfriend)

“He needs to readjust his priorities. He takes two days to respond but two seconds to come.”

Girl to Homeless Guy:
“Hey, can I run into McDonald’s and get you a burger?”
“Um… I’m actually a vegetarian, just get me some large fries, an iced tea and an apple pie instead.”

“I’m over all this hippie health ****.  If I order a sweet crêpe, I want a sweet crêpe. Show me chocolate. Don’t give me apples and tell me it’s dessert. I know **** apples.”

Camp Counselor:
“When it’s your turn, stand and say your name. No Instagram names, human names.”

McDonald’s Clerk: “Here’s your card and here’s your receipt.”
Woman: “Oh, you keep the receipt, I don’t want to remember this tomorrow.”

“She’s 23 and he’s 49. He refuses to eat out with her on Father’s Day because the waiters always think he’s her dad.”

“Yeah he’s definitely rich.”
“How do you know?”
“He had Fiji water in his fridge.”

“He parallel-parked his car on the first try like it was no big deal. He doesn’t even have a rearview camera… That really turns me on.”

“I mean he drove me to LAX on a Friday night… So yeah, I’d say things are serious.”

“True friendship is knowing that your friends would pick you up from LAX, but you care about them too much to ask that ride.”

“Please tell me you didn’t forget to bring the Xanax.”
“Baby, I’d forget to bring YOU before I forgot the Xanax.”

TSA Agent: “Ma’am are you carrying on any medications?”
Older Woman: “How else do you expect me to fly commercial?”

“I used to be considered a catch; a middle-class American male with a good job… But LA girls only date actors, musicians, rich douchebags and **** Australians.”

“We’ve had so much break-up sex that were back together now.”

Quote LA isn’t meant to be lived in, it’s a giant amusement park; you just stay as long as you can before you have to go home.”

“LA isn’t meant to be lived in, it’s a giant amusement park; you just stay as long as you can before you have to go home.”

“I can’t date him his name is too weird.”
“What you mean? His name is Carl.”
“No, his dad is Carl. He’s Carl Jr.”

Lead Singer: “Anyone from the South?”
*Girl in audience cheers loudly
Lead Singer: “where you from?”
Girl: “San Diego.”

“I’ve decided that I want a wedding, just not a marriage.”

“Aw he is so cute! Can I pet him?”
“Please don’t assume her gender pronoun. Cashew’s very sensitive to ignorance.”

“Why wouldn’t we meeting at a vegan restaurant for dinner? Is she vegan?”
“No, she just likes unnecessarily expensive things.”

“Dating in LA is like shopping at IKEA. You go, find something pretty, put it together and hope it doesn’t fall apart.”

Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of impact?”
Witness: “Lululemon leggings and Nikes.”

Customer: “Can I speak to a manager?”
Employee: “Emotionally, he’s not available right now. Is this something I can resolve?”

“How my gonna pick up chicks? I’m a Taurus. Everyone wants the sexual Scorpio or the mysterious Gemini. What am I gonna say… ‘Hi, I’m a Taurus. Stubborn, materialistic, and possessive?'”

“He drove me home and parked in front of the Permit Only sign, then looked at me and said ‘You’re worth the parking ticket.'”

“I think I’ve been in LA too long; I ordered a $5.75 latte and thought, ‘Wow that is really cheap.”

“iPhone 7? No case?”
“I want that kind of wealth.”

“My ex connected with me on LinkedIn. I endorsed him for ‘being a cokehead.’ ”

“You’re watching Harry Potter on the second date? Don’t you think that’s moving a bit too fast?”

“The first time I did acid, I unfollowed all the Jenners and Kardashians on Instagram.”

“I think I’m done with my ‘How hot and fit can I be and how many people can I seduce’ phase. I wanna, like, read books and know albums by name and be funny and ****.”
“I mean, yeah.”

Mom: “How was your day today?”
Five-year-old: “I don’t ask you about your business so why would you ask me about mine?”

“Do you wanna come with us to happy hour after work?”
“Honestly, those people aren’t worth the calories.”

“Can you give it to me the way my daughter gets it?! Doggy Style?”
(Mother at In-N-Out trying to order Animal Style burger.)

“Where are you staying for Coachella? Are you camping?”
“Ew no. I’m staying at a suite at the Marriott, but I won’t wash my hair that way I look like I’m camping.”

“How do I get his attention?”
“Text him ‘I had a dream about you last night’ and then follow up with ‘whoops, wrong person!’ ”

“Were not dragging anyone off.”
(Delta agent. LAX gate 54.)

“I slept with this really horrible hipster, I think it was just because he was tall. No one in LA is tall. It’s all small men with big dreams, you know what I mean??”

“Want to go to Starbucks?”
“No, I’m getting my coffee at McDonald’s this week to help save money for all the Coachella drugs act by on Friday.”

“I compliment her dress and she brags how she got it at a flea market for $9. She has to tell me this every time like she’s some **** archaeologist.”

“It’s just annoying because I’m so LA and I don’t give a **** about anybody, and he’s from Atlanta so he has that Southern hospitality and just wants to help everyone.”

“Does he have money?”
“Well, he always gets guac on his Chipotle, and never fails to order a large popcorn at Arclight. So I guess you could say he’s pretty well-off.”

“What brought you LA?”
“I came here to work on my Instagram.”

Girl: “I think I want to be a Lululemon housewife.”
Guy: “I spent my Saturday morning marching for you.”

“You passed out on Friday and came back Sunday… You’re basically the Jesus of Coachella.”

Woman to Starbucks Barista: “I’m not sure what to get, what would you recommend?”
Woman in line behind her: “are you **** serious?”

“So my doctor said no more Xanax, just an adult coloring book.”

Woman: “Is that lettuce fresh? It doesn’t look fresh. A few there on the top look off.”
Kid behind woman: “Yo, this is **** Chipotle.”

Woman to Apple genius: “My read receipts won’t turn off. I’m trying to play games with men and I don’t want them to see where I read their texts.”

“Welcome to LA, where everyone dates themselves.”

“Dried mango is the beef jerky of Los Angeles.”

“I love LA but I feel like I’ve just walked into an Instagram feed.”

TSA: “What do you need help with, sir?”
Surfer Dude: “I didn’t bring my passport.”
TSA: “Where you going?”
Surfer Dude: “Hawaii.”

“I have the opposite of FOMO. I literally look at his photos to remind myself how grateful I am we’re not together.”

“Ugh space my least favorite weather is wind.”

“Hey do you have cigarette?”
“Haha no, sorry. You’re in Brentwood not Chicago.”

Student: “What major would I love?”
Counselor: ” ‘Do what you love’ is great advice for making 30K a year.”

Pilot over loudspeaker: “So bit about myself… First of all, I’m a Libra.”

Woman pleading to TSA agent throwing out her frozen juices: “Do you have any idea how much a juice cleanse costs!?… Also, I can’t get this in Wisconsin.”

“I’m always late because I have to have an UberBlack pick me up from where my UberPool drops me off so that when I arrive I look important.”

“I’m NEVER buying anything from REVOLVE again!”
“How come?”
“Because I’m basically paying for those blogger bitches’ vacations!”

“Alcohol gives me the courage to be the person my vision board says I’m going to be.”

“In LA we wait for everything. Wait on the freeway, wait for men, waiting for our careers to happen.”

“I swear there’s a neighborhood in LA for every stage in your life. Like, when I’m ready to settle down, I’ll just move to Pasadena.”

*baby hysterically crying*
Random Woman: Is she a Taurus?”

“I didn’t appreciate middle school while I was in it. Being skinny for no reason and having a Bar Mitzvah to go to every weekend. Those were the days.”

“The East Coast takes Adderall like the West Coast takes xanax.”

“Roses die, tacos don’t.”

“In LA, weekends begin on Thursday.”

“It’s like hot yoga outside.”

“Should I get a French Bulldog or a Chanel purse? Because they pretty much cost the same.”

“The 110 is like the 10’s **** little brother.”
What about the 405?”
“The 405 is the 110 and 10’s drunk uncle you constantly avoid because you don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“OMG mom I’m totally fine, I’m only 34. When I’m ready to settle for being housewife I’ll drive down to Orange County and swipe for a day, but until then I know what I signed up for by dating in Los Angeles.”

Customer: Do you have any bars?”
Barista: “Uh … Like Xanax?”
Customer: “No, like granola bars.”

“The word ‘bougie’ comes from the word bourgeois.”
“But bourgeois means middle class?”
“Yeah, but the middle class was lit back then.”

Yoga Instructor:
“Release any rage you have built up like Rob did yesterday.”

Dad: “Is that a line for the soup kitchen? It’s a sad how many homeless people there are.”
Daughter: “That’s Supreme.”

“Stagecoach is like Coachella for Trump supporters.”

“Lorde was at brunch today?”
“Disick?”

Having lived in LA, some of these are funny to me – but it was a long time ago. I suspect the up and coming generation will resonate with more of them than I did.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Ave atque vale, Dilbert

Posted on by The Old Wolf
I’ve long loved the comic strips. In high school I’d regularly run across the street for a cup of coffee and the Waterbury Republican, work the crossword, and catch up on the day’s funnies.

04MikFerd'nand_1966_96

When webcomics became a thing, I subscribed to many. Way too many. One of them was responsible for my getting together with my wife, but the time-sink was worse than TV Tropes. Ultimately got pared down to 14, ones that have compelling story lines, or which make me smile, or which are relevant to how I see the world.

After lo, these many years – 28, more or less – I just pulled “Dilbert” off my list. When I was working in the corporate world, a lot of nonsense that I saw happening around me was reflected in the strip, and it was nice to think that it wasn’t just me that had to put up with management idiocy and the idiosyncrasies of co-workers. And in the early years, the strip could be painfully funny, particularly since I worked for a good many years in the tech sector.

Dilbert - Computer Wars

Last few years I’ve just gotten the feeling that Adams has run out of material, and he entered the stale zone that Garfield has been in for decades, and which Gary Larson and Bill Watterson so assiduously avoided. Still, I kept reading for the sake of tradition.

Lately, though, I added the fact that I just don’t click with the author’s world view, he being a staunch supporter of the cretin-in-chief that is currently disgracing the White House, and has even started injecting politics into his strips:

dt170619

dt170620

dt170621

Courtesy of Paul Taylor, author of the incomparable Wapsi Square, comes this commentary:

WebcomicsFree

So other than this one post, I don’t plan on being the kind of person who leaves something but who can’t leave it alone – you see a lot of these on the comments boards, folks who don’t like a strip and who come every day to complain about it.

I own a lot of previous Dilbert material that I still appreciate, and will continue to do so – but unless things change drastically in the future, I’ll just go elsewhere for my daily dose of smiles.

NoBoss

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Milkshake, Hold the Cup

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Berkeley Breathed, creator of “The Academia Waltz,” “Bloom County,” and “Opus” (there, Melissa, I used an Oxford Comma, I want a gold star) has long been a favorite of mine, right up there with Doonesbury and before that, Pogo (Mogg’s teeth, I miss Walt Kelly. I can’t imagine what he would be doing with the rich fodder this recent election and current administration would have given him.)

And cartoonists sometimes repeat a gag, because reasons. But Breathed has taken this particular punchline and recycled it at least twice, with various results. The first appearance was in 1978 or so:

Bloom County - Hold the Cup (3)

The Academia Waltz

The joke was good enough to launch his next and longest-running effort:

Bloom County - Hold the Cup (2)

The very first “Bloom County.”

But there was still more outrage to be had:

Bloom County - Hold the Cup

Another Bloom County

And Jim Davis, never above using imitation as the sincerest form of flattery, even worked it into one of his Garfield strips:

Garfield - Hold the Cup

Remind me never to go to Irma’s diner. She must be related to the lady who runs the “Bank of Ethel” over at Dilbert.

Now, the last question in my mind is, “How many people have actually gone to Burger King and tried this? If I were behind the counter, I’d simply say “Hold out your hands” and see where things went from there.

On that note, I am reminded of the story about an American couple on vacation in Wales. On their journey they find themselves in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to have a bite to eat, all the while debating the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?”
The young lady behind the counter agrees.
“Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?”
The girl leans over the counter and says, “Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.”

The Old Wolf has spoken.

 

Jukmifgguggh

Posted on by The Old Wolf

Jukmifgguggh

(Four servings)

Ingredients

  • 400 g tripe
  • 100 g crimini mushrooms
  • 1 medium onion
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • 2 C Chunky peanut butter
  • 50 g chocolate bark
  • Olive oil
  • Fresh Basil, a handful

Preparation

  1. Wash and pat tripes dry. Set aside.
  2. Sautee mushrooms, onions, basil leaves and crushed garlic in 2 Tbsp olive oil until the mushrooms are soft and the onions translucent.
  3. Add the tripes and a bit more oil if needed. Fry until golden brown.
  4. Remove tripes and on a cutting board, coat liberally with peanut butter.
  5. Grate chocolate bark onto tripes, and serve with sauteed vegetables.
  6. While eating, try to pronounce “Jabberwocky.”

Jukmifgguggh!

The Old Wolf has spoken.

 

 

An honest email from HR

Posted on by The Old Wolf

This I had to share. But I also had to bowdlerize it a bit, because reasons. If you really don’t care about salty language and think it improves things, stroll on over and read the original. I hope the writer doesn’t sue the hqiz out of me for sharing this in a mildly redacted form.

An honest email from a company’s HR rep to the employees.

Filed by Meg Favreau | Jul 07, 2015 @ 1:30pm

Hello, Kopencky Company Family! HR here. Look, I could care less about what you guys do in your personal lives, but I get paid to be your work mommy because, for some reason, a group of adults can’t manage to do things like not steal each other’s lunches or touch each other’s butts for the eight bleeding hours a day that they’re in an office. You people are exhausting, and since you apparently need constant reminders in order to be decent human beings, here are some ruddy reminders.

Company fun run

Our insurance premiums are going to go WAY up if Don has another heart attack, and we can’t tell him to his face to stop eating Cheetos (although whoever left him that anonymous note that I publicly denounced, please know that I privately agreed with you. STRONGLY). To that end, we’re forcing everyone to exercise with this company-mandated “fun” run that almost all of you will find demeaning, embarrassing, and really just awful to participate in. Except Jill. WE ALL KNOW YOU RAN A MARATHON, JILL. SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

Bring your child to work day

It’s next Tuesday. You are all welcome to bring your little chemical mistakes, except for Stephen. I know you and your pale wife are doing that “no negative reinforcement” thing, but last year, all you said was “Great stream, buddy!” when your kid peed on my aloe plant. Never again.

Vacation days

Reminder 1: All employees who started before July 1, 2015 get four weeks worth of vacation a year; if you started after, you get two weeks of vacation a year. Reminder 2: It was our jack-hole boss Mr. Kopencky who decided to cut vacation time in order to save money, not me, so taking it out on me will only make me hate you more. Reminder 3: This also means that you shouldn’t yell at me for: not getting a raise, no more free soda in the kitchen, the removal of vision and dental from the healthcare plan, and the fact that Mr. Kopencky will only let me buy a dozen doughnuts for “free doughnut Fridays,” so that 41 employees have to rush to be the first to get 12 doughnuts. (Yes, I know there are 42 employees here. Allow me to point you to Jill’s insufferable “Gluten Free IBS Runner” blog so you can also understand that she doesn’t eat doughnuts because of “the trots.”)

Glossary

Some people have told me that the HR buzzwords can be confusing. That’s because they’re a way for HR professionals to thinly veil how we really feel so we don’t accidentally yell “You’re a childish moron!” at our coworkers. Here are some definitions to help clarify things.

“My door is always open”

Mr. Kopencky won’t let me shut my door, so you guys can always walk in. But please don’t, because managing your dumb problems stresses me out to the point where I’ve had to learn how to cry silently, with no tears.

“Think outside the box”

You have bad ideas. I put your bad ideas all together in a box. Now, I want you to come up with good ideas. That means I need you to think outside of the box.

“Results driven”

Getting results is your job. So when I say I want you to be “results driven,” I’m saying “do your ruddy job.” Jill, that means do your job, not update your blog. Remember, we have tracking software on all the computers, so I know that you spent five hours researching “grain-free pizza” last Thursday.

The sign in the kitchen

I have overheard complaints that the dish-washing sign I put up is both condescending and passive-aggressive. I know it is, and I could change it to get at the real issue by saying, “You need to do your dishes because everyone else is sick of doing them for you, DAN.” I don’t think that Dan would like that, though, and he is Mr. Kopencky’s nephew. Did I say “Mr. Kopencky’s nephew”? I meant to say “Mr. Kopencky’s stupidest nephew.”

One other thing about the sign in the kitchen

Also, it’s pretty funny that the sign is for Dan, considering that I know he’s the one who drew a wang on the clipart man on it.

Sexual harassment

Speaking of that wang, we’re having a sexual harassment seminar in two weeks, and you can all thank Dan for that. Jill, you are welcome to bring gluten-free snacks again, but I swear if you bring grain-free pizza bites and they’re just globs of cheese and sauce, I will tell everyone about your IBS, which you have told me way, way, way too many details about. Remember, everyone, my door is always open!

Best,

Pamela

An Essay for Mrs. Malaprop

Posted on by The Old Wolf

“A malapropism (also called a malaprop or Dogberryism) is the use of an incorrect word in place of a word with a similar sound, resulting in a nonsensical, often humorous utterance… The word “malapropism” (and its earlier variant “malaprop”) comes from a character named “Mrs. Malaprop” in Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s 1775 play The Rivals.” (Wikipedia)

Some examples of malapropisms are:

  • “illiterate him quite from your memory” (instead of “obliterate”)
  • “she’s as headstrong as an allegory” (instead of alligator).

A friend of mine recently posted this gem on Facebook; I had seen it before, but yesterday it rang a bell and I thought I’d just get it out here with its corrected version for future reference.

TRIGGER WARNING: If bad English offends you, look away now!

16683908_1280992588632773_450508375705471017_n.jpg

Ow! Ow! Ow!

In text format, the monstrosity reads:

Acyrologia is the incorrect use of words – particularly replacing one word with another word that sounds similar but has a diffident meaning – possibly fueled by a deep-seeded desire to sound more educated, witch results in an attempt to pawn off an incorrect word in place of a correct one. In academia, such flaunting of common social morays is seen as almost sorted and might result in the offender becoming a piranha, in the Monday world, after all is set and done, such a miner era will often leave normal people unphased. This is just as well sense people of that elk are unlikely to tow the line irregardless of any attempt to better educate them. A small percentage, however, suffer from severe acryrologiaphobia, and it is their upmost desire to see English used properly. Exposure may cause them symptoms that may resemble post-dramatic stress disorder and, eventually, descend into whole-scale outrage as they go star-craving mad. Eventually, they will succumb to the stings and arrows of such barrage, and suffer a complete metal breakdown , leaving them curled up in a feeble position.

The only way to stop the pain is to read the paragraph in its proper form:

Acyrologia is the incorrect use of words – particularly replacing one word with another word that sounds similar but has a different meaning – possibly fueled by a deep-seated desire to sound more educated, which results in an attempt to pawn off an incorrect word in place of a correct one. In academia, such flaunting of common social mores is seen as almost sordid and might result in the offender becoming a pariah; in the mundane world, after all is said and done, such a minor error will often leave normal people unfazed. This is just as well since people of that ilk are unlikely to toe the line, regardless of any attempt to better educate them. A small percentage, however, suffer from severe acryrologiaphobia, and it is their utmost desire to see English used properly. Exposure may cause them symptoms that may resemble post-traumatic stress disorder and, eventually, descend into full-scale outrage as they go stark-raving mad. Eventually, they will succumb to the slings and arrows of such barrage, and suffer a complete mental breakdown , leaving them curled up in a fetal position.

I’ve written before about “Word Crimes” – one of Weird Al’s best efforts ever, and that’s saying something because just about everything he does is delightful.

The Wold Floof has Broken.

Two bees, or not two bees.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

When I was younger I was enamored of flying, having learned how at Key West Naval Air Force base thanks to a brief stint as a military dependent. Flying lessons were at that time affordable, and I took the opportunity to learn how to solo a Cessna 150, and later at Hill Air Force Base Aero Club, a PA-28 140. After I turned 23 and lost dependent status, flight time became prohibitively expensive, so I never got my ticket – but I sure loved the experience.

FLYING.jpg

During that time I was subscribed to “Flying” magazine and read it religiously, drooling over the new Mitsubishi twin-engine planes that looked so beautiful, and one of the monthly features was “I Learned About Flying from That” – a humorous but educational look at the odd sorts of things that crop up.

I share with you here a portion of one that I always remembered, and which thanks to the eternal memory of the Internet, has been preserved for posterity.

Ridiculous things can happen when you least expect them. It was a beautiful, smooth CAVU day and I leveled off at 8,500, cranked the trim, settled back and opened a stick of chewing gum. It was all very peaceful, but while part of the gum was sticking out of my mouth, a bee landed on it.

I exploded the gum as far as the windshield. This must have put the bee in a bad mood, because he did an immelman and came at me out of the sun. As soon as he got me in his sights, he was joined by another bee.

I wade a rather haphazard attack with a folded low-level chart, but the situation deteriorated when the bees made a flank attack up my trouser leg.

By this time, I imagined I was sitting on a whole nest of bees and began looking for an airport. In answer to my screaming into the mike, a pedantic voice told me wind direction and velocity, barometric pressure, runway, and then, to report downwind. I was hoping for a straignt-in approach, so I began to shout about bees.

Of course, the tower said, “Repeat.”

I supposed I sounded something like “Blah blah blah, Comanche, two bees…”

“Comanche Bravo Bravo, go ahead.”

“Negative Bravo Bravo. Bees. I’ve got two bees.”

“You’ve got to what?”

“Seven-Five Pop has got two bees!”

The tower somehow got the idea that I wanted to use the facilities, and cleared me straight in. I went literally buzzing up to the wire fence beside the terminal, leaped madly out on the wing and took off my pants. Not until there was a burst of applause from a Girl Scout troop did I realize how totally I had been routed by the emergency.

Now bees are on my checklist, just like birds.

From “Flying” magazine, October 1972. “I Learned About Flying from That,” No. 389, by Guernsey Le Pelley

Full text here: https://books.google.com/books?id=aMXZoqvRpaIC

I could tell you about the time that I was at about 10,000 feet practicing cross-control stalls in a Piper and learned exactly why one should be aware of this danger by going into a dead spin, but perhaps another time…

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Even the best cartoonists repeat now and then.

Posted on by The Old Wolf

I grew up on Peanuts™. I learned how to read with the first Peanuts book that appeared in 1952, and read them voraciously as other volumes were published. Over time my collection was sold or given away (heresy!), and when I came to my senses decades later I began collecting them again.

peanuts-1952

The challenge with the original books was that Schulz was very selective about what he allowed to be anthologized, and many of his strips vanished from the public consciousness. Happily, later arrangements with Schulz and his estate allowed the entire collection to be republished either by Fantagraphics (beautiful but very expensive) or online at GoComics (colorized but free.)

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the GoComics edition, and read it faithfully and daily. But recently I came across a strip that rang a loud bell:

peanuts-bread-and-budder-sandwich-1

I remembered this strip clearly, but something about it seemed “off.” When I finally had some time to do a deep search of the internet, I was able to find the one I remembered:

peanuts-bread-and-budder-sandwich-1

Same gag, re-drawn, slightly different punchline. According to comments at the GoComics site, there may also be a strip where Linus tells Lucy that if you cut a PB&J sandwich, all the flavor runs out.

Why the re-do? Could be any number of reasons. Maybe Schulz liked this punchline better and wanted to see it published. Charles M. Schulz created a total of 17,897 Peanuts strips; maybe he just forgot he had done this one and the idea stuck in his head, so he “re-created” it. Maybe he was stuck for an idea on a given day. Whatever the case, if this is the only true duplication of a gag that he ever did, that’s a prodigious feat.

Other cartoonists repeat occasionally (and not just re-runs for vacations or filler.) I’ve seen one or two examples, but most of them keep coming up with fresh ideas (or in the case of some comic strips, not-so-fresh ideas) for years or even decades. Schulz was undeniably one of the masters of the genre, and an inspiration for countless cartoonists who followed.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Two lessons from bees

Posted on by The Old Wolf

1) The Unwise Bee

liahonlp-nfo-o-72d
Elder James E. Talmage

Sometimes I find myself under obligations of work requiring quiet and seclusion such as neither my comfortable office nor the cozy study at home insures. My favorite retreat is an upper room in the tower of a large building, well removed from the noise and confusion of the city streets. The room is somewhat difficult of access and relatively secure against human intrusion. Therein I have spent many peaceful and busy hours with books and pen.

I am not always without visitors, however, especially in summertime; for when I sit with windows open, flying insects occasionally find entrance and share the place with me. These self-invited guests are not unwelcome. Many a time I have laid down the pen and, forgetful of my theme, have watched with interest the activities of these winged visitants, with an afterthought that the time so spent had not been wasted, for is it not true that even a butterfly, a beetle, or a bee may be a bearer of lessons to the receptive student?

A wild bee from the neighboring hills once flew into the room, and at intervals during an hour or more I caught the pleasing hum of its flight. The little creature realized that it was a prisoner, yet all its efforts to find the exit through the partly opened casement failed. When ready to close up the room and leave, I threw the window wide and tried at first to guide and then to drive the bee to liberty and safety, knowing well that if left in the room it would die as other insects there entrapped had perished in the dry atmosphere of the enclosure. The more I tried to drive it out, the more determinedly did it oppose and resist my efforts. Its erstwhile peaceful hum developed into an angry roar; its darting flight became hostile and threatening.

Then it caught me off my guard and stung my hand—the hand that would have guided it to freedom. At last it alighted on a pendant attached to the ceiling, beyond my reach of help or injury. The sharp pain of its unkind sting aroused in me rather pity than anger. I knew the inevitable penalty of its mistaken opposition and defiance, and I had to leave the creature to its fate. Three days later I returned to the room and found the dried, lifeless body of the bee on the writing table. It had paid for its stubbornness with its life.

To the bee’s shortsightedness and selfish misunderstanding I was a foe, a persistent persecutor, a mortal enemy bent on its destruction; while in truth I was its friend, offering it ransom of the life it had put in forfeit through its own error, striving to redeem it, in spite of itself, from the prison house of death and restore it to the outer air of liberty.

Are we so much wiser than the bee that no analogy lies between its unwise course and our lives? We are prone to contend, sometimes with vehemence and anger, against the adversity which after all may be the manifestation of superior wisdom and loving care, directed against our temporary comfort for our permanent blessing. In the tribulations and sufferings of mortality there is a divine ministry which only the godless soul can wholly fail to discern. To many the loss of wealth has been a boon, a providential means of leading or driving them from the confines of selfish indulgence to the sunshine and the open, where boundless opportunity waits on effort. Disappointment, sorrow, and affliction may be the expression of an all-wise Father’s kindness.

Consider the lesson of the unwise bee!

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Prov. 3:5–6).

2) You can’t escape death

9856663b2ugch.png

Visit anythingcomic.com, and someone please think of the bees!

The Old Wolf has spoken.