150 quotes overheard in LA

Posted on August 18, 2017 by The Old Wolf

Here’s the scoop on LA, in 150 amusing overheard quotes. I found this at Bored Panda, which they lifted from the Instagram account Overheard LA, where you can see more of these.

As usual it’s broken up into 15 pages so they can serve up an obscene amount of ads, and everything is in image files. So here it is in plain text:

Guy staring at ambulance in front of Whole Foods;
“Somebody must have accidentally ate gluten.”

Customer: “You close at 6:30, right?”
Barista: “Yes, but we close emotionally at 6.”

“He’s 31, but like North Carolina-31, like, 2 kids and a mortgage. 31-year-old dudes in Los Angeles are just learning how to cook a **** chicken.”

Bouncer: “Sorry. I need to see an ID.”
Girl: “I told you… I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”

“I think I want her back, dude.”
“Did she get a haircut when you broke up?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re out of luck. She doesn’t want you back.”

“What’s wrong, why are you so quiet?”
“Nothing, I’m fine. I’m just saving my personality for when everyone else gets here.”

(Reminded me of this gem from Dave Berg, click it for a larger version:)

“And then he texted me as soon as he got Wi-Fin in Mexico.”
“That’s all I want… To be someone’s first thought once they get Wi-Fi.”

“I want to go on a trip with you at some point.”
“Like acid or travel?”

“Every psycho I’ve ever dated was a Leo.”
“Every psycho I’ve ever dated believed in Astrology.”

“Excuse me, can I read your palms? You just have beautiful energy and I could feel it from across the parking lot.”
“That’s my anxiety disorder.”

“Honestly, why are the older generations so judgmental, they were Millennials once too.”
“No… no that’s not how that word works.”

“My mom won’t let me go to your house anymore because your parents watch Fox News.”
(Little Boy to Friend)

Cashier: “How are you today?”
Customer: “Ok.”
Cashier: “Life isn’t supposed to be lived ‘just ok’.”
Customer: “Look, I just came here for some coconut water, not a **** life coach.”

Babysitter: “What city do you live in?”
7-Year-Old: “Santa Monica!”
Babysitter: “Good job! Do you know which state you live in?”
7-Year-Old: “Confusion.”

“I’m dating a guy that’s 6’7″.”
“Is he hot?”
“He’s 6’7″. It doesn’t matter. I don’t even think I’ve seen his face yet.”

Customer: “My name is Bri.”
Cashier: “Brie, like the cheese? Nice to meet you. I’m Mason, like the jar.”

Woman: “I need to buy new pants because the other ones are too big now.”
9-Year-Old: “You don’t need new pants, just more cake till the old ones fit again.”

Cashier: “And how is your day going today, sir?”
Guy: “I’m sorry, this is like my 87th interaction today and I just don’t have it in me.”

“Oh my gosh, sorry, traffic was so bad.”
(5-Year-Old running into ballet class late.)

“How did you get 105% on your final?”
“Oh, my teacher gives us extra credit if we follow her on instagram.”

(Note: “extra credit” reminds me of the story about the OB/GYN who got tired of the rat race and decided to change careers, so he went to auto mechanic school. The final exam involved taking an engine apart and putting it back together again. After the end of the course he received his grades in the mail and was surprised to find out that he had been awarded 250 points out of a possible 200. Not displeased but curious, he called his professor and asked why he had given such a high grade. The instructor responded, “Well, I gave you 100 points for taking the engine apart correctly and 100 points for putting it back together correctly, but I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing it all through the tailpipe!”)

“I mean, she just seems like such a good person to date; she’s not an alcoholic, she’s bnot severely mentally ill, she has a cool dog…”

“What’s the first thing you look for in a girl?”
“Less than 900 followers on Instagram.”

Male Flight Attendant: “Does anyone have a Galaxy Note 7? Bueller? OK good, because the only thing flaming on this plane is going to be me.”

“Sometimes I think I want to have a baby and then I just think I am not even responsible enough for white jeans.”

Nurse: “What is your occupation?”
ER Patient: “I’m an actor, dancer, model, and stylist but right now I work at Chipotle.”

“I wanted to do something cultural, so I took him to the Getty and he actually touched a **** painting. He was like, ‘Is this real?‘ Alarms went off, security came to us, I was so embarrassed. He’s from Florida, so it was his first time at a museum.

“Can we break up somewhere else? This is my favorite Whole Foods.”

“Of Course LA is a tough place to live. It’s a city full of people who were too good for their own hometowns.”

“We had to fire the nanny… my husband found her on an escort site.”
“Why was he looking up escorts?”

“Dating in LA is mostly just explaining your tattoo meanings and food allergies to each other like ‘Hi, I’m gluten intolerant and this is the Japanese word for abundance…’ And that happens on a loop until we all decide to just move back in with our parents.”

Babysitter: “What do you dream about at night?”
7-Year-Old: “I don’t dream, I only have nightmares about this economy.”

“I buy myself an extravagant five every month when I get my period to remind myself what I’d be giving up if I ever got pregnant.”

Cashier: “sign?”
Customer: “Sagittarius.”
Cashier: “I meant I need your signature.”

“First it’s pilot season that award season, now it’s festival season. I feel like LA just creates special seasons to make up for the fact that we don’t have actual seasons.”

“Everyone is getting engaged.”
“Whatever, yesterday the guy at my bakery gave me a free chocolate croissants and it felt like an engagement.”

“Don’t waste your peers on that boy. LA is a desert, you need to stay hydrated.”

“How’s dating going?”
“I’m researching personality disorders. I wanna see how many I can catch and identify, like Pokémon Go but with human men.”

German Friend: “I’m going to Idaho for the holiday.”
American Friend: “Idaho? What is that?”
German Friend: “The state. I-d-a-h-o.”
American Friend: “I’ve literally never heard of it.”

“Why to stop following me?”
“Because your posts annoy the **** out of me. It’s like, we get it, you had a kid.”

“I need to start saving people’s numbers. I accidentally had lunch with the wrong person the other day.”

Dad: “Are the shirts bisexual?”
Salesperson: “You mean unisex?”

“God I love protesting. Expressing myself and getting my 10,000 steps. It’s a win-win.”

Girl: “Gluten-free please.”
Cashier: “Are you allergic?”
Girl: “No, I’m just an asshole.”

“He’s hot, you should speak to him.”
“No, my future boyfriend should still be at work at this time.”

Girl to Friend: “even in a turtleneck should look slutty.”
Stranger: “At least she ain’t got an ugly heart like you.”

“Pretty sure were never getting back together.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Her dog blocked me on Instagram.”

Teenager: “Hold on. I have to Insta that.”
Father: “Yes dear… Continue howling into the void.”

“You’re late. You said you were going to be here in five minutes.”
“That’s an expression, not an actual measurement of time.”

“Every new friend I make is another person who might ask me to drive them to the airport in the future. And I don’t need that.”

Woman: “Excuse me, how long is this march going to go on for?”
Police Officer: “About four more years, Lady.”

“You need to start saying ‘yes’ to things.”
“I did that for a year and I ended up in Miami sleeping on a blowup mattress in a man’s kitchen.”

“I can’t believe my phone doesn’t autocorrect rose to rosé. I feel like it doesn’t even know me.”

“Your son is adorable, how old is he?”
“Oh no, we don’t do age… We are all infinite beings walking on this Earth.”

“My therapist told me I have to read a book called ‘Codependent No More.’ Will you go with me to buy it at the bookstore?”

“I had one line.”
“Wait we talking about coke or acting?”

“You know how I’m getting my period? Getting acne on my face and when I was watching the Tour de France this morning I had to fight the urge to cry at the people running beside the bikers motivating them.”

Judge: “State your profession.”
Potential Juror: “Spiritual advisor. And to clarify, I already know too much about the case to serve as an impartial juror because I’m a clairvoyant.”

Girl to Stranger in tight parking space: “my God how did you park in that spot? That’s amazing! What’s your birthday?”
“Uh, September 22nd.”
“Libra! Yes! Make sense.”

“I took like a five hour nap today.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s just called sleeping.”

“Sorry, I’m late. There was so much traffic… Also, I left the time we were supposed to meet.”

Girl: “Aren’t you gonna take a picture of our food?”
Guy: “I don’t do that anymore.”
Girl: “I’m so proud of you babe.”

Son: “I’m going to go to the pier, get a guitar, take my shirt off and play for people.”
Dad: “yeah, don’t be that guy.”

“Like, it used to be people wouldn’t approach you in bars. Now they won’t even approach you online. The entire species of humans will only be continued by high school sweethearts in the Midwest.”

Customer: “remember that used to be a medium popcorn size?”
Arclight Employee: “just like there used to be a middle class.”

Yoga Teacher coughing: “Sorry to disrupt our meditation but I have a Chia seed stuck in my throat.”

Drunk Woman: “What meat alternatives do you have?”
Cashier: “Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

“Oh my God he’s Facetiming me. What do I do?!”
“ANSWER IT.”
“I CANT. He hasn’t seen me without a Snapchat filter yet…”

Guy at the LA Pride March:
“If Hillary was president we would be at brunch.”

“You moan more eating this ice cream than you do when we have sex.”
(Guy to Girlfriend)

“He needs to readjust his priorities. He takes two days to respond but two seconds to come.”

Girl to Homeless Guy:
“Hey, can I run into McDonald’s and get you a burger?”
“Um… I’m actually a vegetarian, just get me some large fries, an iced tea and an apple pie instead.”

“I’m over all this hippie health ****. If I order a sweet crêpe, I want a sweet crêpe. Show me chocolate. Don’t give me apples and tell me it’s dessert. I know **** apples.”

Camp Counselor:
“When it’s your turn, stand and say your name. No Instagram names, human names.”

McDonald’s Clerk: “Here’s your card and here’s your receipt.”
Woman: “Oh, you keep the receipt, I don’t want to remember this tomorrow.”

“She’s 23 and he’s 49. He refuses to eat out with her on Father’s Day because the waiters always think he’s her dad.”

“Yeah he’s definitely rich.”
“How do you know?”
“He had Fiji water in his fridge.”

“He parallel-parked his car on the first try like it was no big deal. He doesn’t even have a rearview camera… That really turns me on.”

“I mean he drove me to LAX on a Friday night… So yeah, I’d say things are serious.”

“True friendship is knowing that your friends would pick you up from LAX, but you care about them too much to ask that ride.”

“Please tell me you didn’t forget to bring the Xanax.”
“Baby, I’d forget to bring YOU before I forgot the Xanax.”

TSA Agent: “Ma’am are you carrying on any medications?”
Older Woman: “How else do you expect me to fly commercial?”

“I used to be considered a catch; a middle-class American male with a good job… But LA girls only date actors, musicians, rich douchebags and **** Australians.”

“We’ve had so much break-up sex that were back together now.”

Quote LA isn’t meant to be lived in, it’s a giant amusement park; you just stay as long as you can before you have to go home.”

“LA isn’t meant to be lived in, it’s a giant amusement park; you just stay as long as you can before you have to go home.”

“I can’t date him his name is too weird.”
“What you mean? His name is Carl.”
“No, his dad is Carl. He’s Carl Jr.”

Lead Singer: “Anyone from the South?”
*Girl in audience cheers loudly
Lead Singer: “where you from?”
Girl: “San Diego.”

“I’ve decided that I want a wedding, just not a marriage.”

“Aw he is so cute! Can I pet him?”
“Please don’t assume her gender pronoun. Cashew’s very sensitive to ignorance.”

“Why wouldn’t we meeting at a vegan restaurant for dinner? Is she vegan?”
“No, she just likes unnecessarily expensive things.”

“Dating in LA is like shopping at IKEA. You go, find something pretty, put it together and hope it doesn’t fall apart.”

Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of impact?”
Witness: “Lululemon leggings and Nikes.”

Customer: “Can I speak to a manager?”
Employee: “Emotionally, he’s not available right now. Is this something I can resolve?”

“How my gonna pick up chicks? I’m a Taurus. Everyone wants the sexual Scorpio or the mysterious Gemini. What am I gonna say… ‘Hi, I’m a Taurus. Stubborn, materialistic, and possessive?'”

“He drove me home and parked in front of the Permit Only sign, then looked at me and said ‘You’re worth the parking ticket.'”

“I think I’ve been in LA too long; I ordered a $5.75 latte and thought, ‘Wow that is really cheap.”

“iPhone 7? No case?”
“I want that kind of wealth.”

“My ex connected with me on LinkedIn. I endorsed him for ‘being a cokehead.’ ”

“You’re watching Harry Potter on the second date? Don’t you think that’s moving a bit too fast?”

“The first time I did acid, I unfollowed all the Jenners and Kardashians on Instagram.”

“I think I’m done with my ‘How hot and fit can I be and how many people can I seduce’ phase. I wanna, like, read books and know albums by name and be funny and ****.”
“I mean, yeah.”

Mom: “How was your day today?”
Five-year-old: “I don’t ask you about your business so why would you ask me about mine?”

“Do you wanna come with us to happy hour after work?”
“Honestly, those people aren’t worth the calories.”

“Can you give it to me the way my daughter gets it?! Doggy Style?”
(Mother at In-N-Out trying to order Animal Style burger.)

“Where are you staying for Coachella? Are you camping?”
“Ew no. I’m staying at a suite at the Marriott, but I won’t wash my hair that way I look like I’m camping.”

“How do I get his attention?”
“Text him ‘I had a dream about you last night’ and then follow up with ‘whoops, wrong person!’ ”

“Were not dragging anyone off.”
(Delta agent. LAX gate 54.)

“I slept with this really horrible hipster, I think it was just because he was tall. No one in LA is tall. It’s all small men with big dreams, you know what I mean??”

“Want to go to Starbucks?”
“No, I’m getting my coffee at McDonald’s this week to help save money for all the Coachella drugs act by on Friday.”

“I compliment her dress and she brags how she got it at a flea market for $9. She has to tell me this every time like she’s some **** archaeologist.”

“It’s just annoying because I’m so LA and I don’t give a **** about anybody, and he’s from Atlanta so he has that Southern hospitality and just wants to help everyone.”

“Does he have money?”
“Well, he always gets guac on his Chipotle, and never fails to order a large popcorn at Arclight. So I guess you could say he’s pretty well-off.”

“What brought you LA?”
“I came here to work on my Instagram.”

Girl: “I think I want to be a Lululemon housewife.”
Guy: “I spent my Saturday morning marching for you.”

“You passed out on Friday and came back Sunday… You’re basically the Jesus of Coachella.”

Woman to Starbucks Barista: “I’m not sure what to get, what would you recommend?”
Woman in line behind her: “are you **** serious?”

“So my doctor said no more Xanax, just an adult coloring book.”

Woman: “Is that lettuce fresh? It doesn’t look fresh. A few there on the top look off.”
Kid behind woman: “Yo, this is **** Chipotle.”

Woman to Apple genius: “My read receipts won’t turn off. I’m trying to play games with men and I don’t want them to see where I read their texts.”

“Welcome to LA, where everyone dates themselves.”

“Dried mango is the beef jerky of Los Angeles.”

“I love LA but I feel like I’ve just walked into an Instagram feed.”

TSA: “What do you need help with, sir?”
Surfer Dude: “I didn’t bring my passport.”
TSA: “Where you going?”
Surfer Dude: “Hawaii.”

“I have the opposite of FOMO. I literally look at his photos to remind myself how grateful I am we’re not together.”

“Ugh space my least favorite weather is wind.”

“Hey do you have cigarette?”
“Haha no, sorry. You’re in Brentwood not Chicago.”

Student: “What major would I love?”
Counselor: ” ‘Do what you love’ is great advice for making 30K a year.”

Pilot over loudspeaker: “So bit about myself… First of all, I’m a Libra.”

Woman pleading to TSA agent throwing out her frozen juices: “Do you have any idea how much a juice cleanse costs!?… Also, I can’t get this in Wisconsin.”

“I’m always late because I have to have an UberBlack pick me up from where my UberPool drops me off so that when I arrive I look important.”

“I’m NEVER buying anything from REVOLVE again!”
“How come?”
“Because I’m basically paying for those blogger bitches’ vacations!”

“Alcohol gives me the courage to be the person my vision board says I’m going to be.”

“In LA we wait for everything. Wait on the freeway, wait for men, waiting for our careers to happen.”

“I swear there’s a neighborhood in LA for every stage in your life. Like, when I’m ready to settle down, I’ll just move to Pasadena.”

*baby hysterically crying*
Random Woman: Is she a Taurus?”

“I didn’t appreciate middle school while I was in it. Being skinny for no reason and having a Bar Mitzvah to go to every weekend. Those were the days.”

“The East Coast takes Adderall like the West Coast takes xanax.”

“Roses die, tacos don’t.”

“In LA, weekends begin on Thursday.”

“It’s like hot yoga outside.”

“Should I get a French Bulldog or a Chanel purse? Because they pretty much cost the same.”

“The 110 is like the 10’s **** little brother.”
What about the 405?”
“The 405 is the 110 and 10’s drunk uncle you constantly avoid because you don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“OMG mom I’m totally fine, I’m only 34. When I’m ready to settle for being housewife I’ll drive down to Orange County and swipe for a day, but until then I know what I signed up for by dating in Los Angeles.”

Customer: Do you have any bars?”
Barista: “Uh … Like Xanax?”
Customer: “No, like granola bars.”

“The word ‘bougie’ comes from the word bourgeois.”
“But bourgeois means middle class?”
“Yeah, but the middle class was lit back then.”

Yoga Instructor:
“Release any rage you have built up like Rob did yesterday.”

Dad: “Is that a line for the soup kitchen? It’s a sad how many homeless people there are.”
Daughter: “That’s Supreme.”

“Stagecoach is like Coachella for Trump supporters.”

“Lorde was at brunch today?”
“Disick?”

Having lived in LA, some of these are funny to me – but it was a long time ago. I suspect the up and coming generation will resonate with more of them than I did.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Don’t reply to spam. Ever.

Posted on August 17, 2017 by The Old Wolf

This should go without saying, but I just thought I’d point out one of many reasons why you should never respond to spam messages.

spam

(We wanted to let you know that we noticed that you still did not claim your $200 Amazon-shopping bonus that was gifted to you as a thank you for your business in past.
Please be sure to claim this before Aug 25
But Hurry! This Ends on Aug 25!
Please Go Here Now to Claim Your $200 Amazon-Shopping Bonus)

Click on the “Claim Your Bonus” link and your email program will generate a message to the following addresses:

info@delopment.net
sports@southeoffice.com,
mailtech@provintimate.net
reply@republck.com
info@templervices.net

Whatever message you send, such as “Ooh yes I want my bonus” or whatever, you have just given a live email address to five spammers/criminals/scammers or Mogg knows what, with a loud additional shout: “I am a sucker! Please Scam Me!”

Just don’t. Never respond to anything in your Spam box, and if you get email from people you have never done business with, delete it at once.

Be careful out there.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Ave atque vale, Dilbert

Posted on August 2, 2017 by The Old Wolf

I’ve long loved the comic strips. In high school I’d regularly run across the street for a cup of coffee and the Waterbury Republican, work the crossword, and catch up on the day’s funnies.

04MikFerd'nand_1966_96

When webcomics became a thing, I subscribed to many. Way too many. One of them was responsible for my getting together with my wife, but the time-sink was worse than TV Tropes. Ultimately got pared down to 14, ones that have compelling story lines, or which make me smile, or which are relevant to how I see the world.

After lo, these many years – 28, more or less – I just pulled “Dilbert” off my list. When I was working in the corporate world, a lot of nonsense that I saw happening around me was reflected in the strip, and it was nice to think that it wasn’t just me that had to put up with management idiocy and the idiosyncrasies of co-workers. And in the early years, the strip could be painfully funny, particularly since I worked for a good many years in the tech sector.

Dilbert - Computer Wars

Last few years I’ve just gotten the feeling that Adams has run out of material, and he entered the stale zone that Garfield has been in for decades, and which Gary Larson and Bill Watterson so assiduously avoided. Still, I kept reading for the sake of tradition.

Lately, though, I added the fact that I just don’t click with the author’s world view, he being a staunch supporter of the cretin-in-chief that is currently disgracing the White House, and has even started injecting politics into his strips:

dt170619

dt170620

dt170621

Courtesy of Paul Taylor, author of the incomparable Wapsi Square, comes this commentary:

WebcomicsFree

So other than this one post, I don’t plan on being the kind of person who leaves something but who can’t leave it alone – you see a lot of these on the comments boards, folks who don’t like a strip and who come every day to complain about it.

I own a lot of previous Dilbert material that I still appreciate, and will continue to do so – but unless things change drastically in the future, I’ll just go elsewhere for my daily dose of smiles.

NoBoss

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Pluto: Still a planet, always a planet.

Posted on July 21, 2017 by The Old Wolf

Poor Pluto. I wrote a detailed essay about my feelings back in 2014, before New Horizons had gotten close enough to reveal the stunning images of Pluto and Charon that it painstakingly sent back at 38 kbps.

nh-pluto-charon-v2-10-1-15 (1)

Yeah yeah, I get it. Science moves on. Clyde Tombaugh discovered the Kuiper Belt; Pluto is just another trans-Neptunian object that happened to get captured, and not even the biggest. There are doubtless many more large ones yet to be discovered.

large_kbos

But Pluto was a part of the public’s consciousness as a planet for 76 years – from 1930 when Dr. Tombaugh discovered it, until it was reclassified by the IAU, a move that was opposed by many scientists and astronomers.

I even wrote to Mike Brown, who has referred to himself as “the man who killed Pluto,” and expressed my feelings that for historical reasons, Pluto should have been “grandfathered in” as a planet; he was kind enough to reply, and explained that while he understands why I and others feel emotionally attached to Pluto, the IAU took an opportunity to make planetary classification meaningful instead of arbitrary, which is scientifically more important than nostalgia.

But I’m still sad. And I’m not the only one. Dr. Maggie Lieu, a research fellow at the ESA (European Space Agency) recently posted on Twitter,

esa

The cleaners took Pluto down, but he was quickly replaced:

thug

And the current status is this: (If you can’t read the text, it says

Don’t worry, Pluto! We dwarf planets will be your friends.
Yes, those stuck-up full planets are the 1% living in their “cleared neighbourhoods” and oppressing the rest of us with their unequal distribution of mass.

Thug 2

I accept the science, but the IAU’s designation is, after all, just academic nomenclature – and whatever the scientists of today or the future choose to call Pluto, for me it will be the 9th planet in our solar system, Sol IX, forever.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

PS: One of my all-time favorite Woot! shirts, “Gardening at Night.” (Pluto is peeking out at the bottom)

Edit: A couple of comments over at Facebook’s “Unapologetic Society of Pluto Huggers” adds a bit more Tabasco™ to this ongoing debate, and I quote them here with gratitude, although without attribution:

It wasn’t consensus. It was a vote of a tiny minority of the IAU membership that manipulated the situation to ram their flawed definition through toward the end of the conference when most of the members had left to go home. This definition was not arrived at by peer review and consensus of a majority of astronomers the way scientific opinion normally changes; it was essentially imposed by fiat and it’s been controversial since Day One. The IAU is dominated by astrophysicists who seem to find the definition more acceptable than planetary scientists (astronomers who study planets) do, and feelings were raw so they didn’t want to bring the subject up again anyway. Several hundred planetary scientists immediately signed a declaration saying they weren’t going to use this definition and to this day most planetary scientists continue to reject it.

There never was any such consensus. Mike Brown is not an IAU member and had no say in the vote, despite his claims otherwise. He appears to have a personal, unscientific interest in being known as the person who “killed” Pluto.
Just four percent of the IAU voted on the controversial planet definition, and most were not planetary scientists but other types of astronomers. The vote was conducted in vi8olation of the IAU bylaws, which prohibit placement of a resolution on the floor of the General Assembly without it first being vetted by the proper committee. This resolution was literally thrown together the night before the vote. After it was adopted by a vote of 333-91, several hundred planetary scientists signed a formal petition rejecting it.

So there’s a bit more information to add to the mix. Clearly, the debate in the scientific community is far from settled. Which is a good thing.

Don’t waste your money on this garbage.

Posted on July 5, 2017 by The Old Wolf

Every time I see a new scam for weight loss, I shed a tear for the people who are taken in. But when I see major retailers pushing snake oil, the tears dry up and are replaced with fiery heat under my collar.

Saw this at Walmart the other day – absolutely nothing new here, they’ve been doing this for a long time, but this is the latest example.

Scam 3

There’s no excuse for this. It’s taking advantage of people who are trying to release weight, selling them something that is just as valuable as the gravel in their driveways.

There is no magic bullet.

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away: “Kelli used C. canephora robusta with diet and exercise and has been remunerated. Average weight loss with C. canephora robusta was 10.95 lbs in 60 days with a low-calorie diet and 3.7 lbs in 8 weeks with a calorie-reduced diet and moderate exercise.”

Scam 0

Do you happen to detect a trend here? As I mentioned in an earlier post, reducing caloric intake and increasing caloric consumption (i.e. exercise) will cause you to release weight even if you:

Take HydroxyCut
take homeopathic drops
sing an aria from “Aida”
stand on your head and spit nickels, or
eat a spoonful of Portland cement with each meal.

If you weren’t sure, C. canephora robusta is also known as “robusta coffee,” a cousin to arabica coffee, and is often used in espresso because of its stronger flavor and increased bitterness.

Coffee. Trying to recycle the “green coffee extract” scam. Let’s look at all the ingredients:

Scam1

You can see that what you’re getting is basically caffeine and some other random herbs. And for weight release, it’s junk. It doesn’t work. And they know it.

To release weight, eat less and/or exercise more, preferably both. If you set up a consistent caloric deficit, you’ll gradually release weight in a healthy way (unless you really have a medical condition preventing it, in which case see your physician.) Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard; as I saw posted by a Facebook friend just today:

And that’s another conversation. But don’t waste your money at Walmart or elsewhere on this worthless garbage.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Soldiers fight wars. Politicians declare them.

Posted on July 3, 2017 by The Old Wolf

I’ve written about war before. I make no bones about the fact that I don’t see it as a productive human enterprise. This quote from Herbert Hoover below echoes the spirit of words from Chaucer that I have mentioned in the two essays linked above:

Recently on Facebook I posted this image, that I came across somewhere else:

As a result, I got some pushback from people who, like me, are opposed to wars but who see the men and women who fight them as less than deserving of honor. Things like:

“Depends on what he’s doing – and to whom.”
“Don’t extol the instrument.”
“The uniformed kid carrying a rifle is a paid gun. I honor people willing to die protecting their country, but our troops haven’t done that in a long time.”

Well, the comments are not wrong – in a certain sense. But as I wrote elsewhere, these are two concepts that I can successfully juggle simultaneously.

I hate the idea of war, and the military-industrial complex. I hate the concept of politico-economic terrorism, backed up by the might of armies and navies. I hate wasting endless resources of our nation on futile, internecine foreign conflicts.

Yes, there are the relatively few Abu Ghreib perverts and My Lai killers and Afghanistan rogues, and these deserve opprobrium and punishment, but they also deserve pity – because they are the product of a system that is designed to obliterate humanity and foster robotic obedience. I weep for them and their families as much as I do the victims, once justice has been served.

But… for the overwhelmingly greater part, the boys and girls, men and women who wear the colors – some because they had to during the draft, some because they marched off believing that their cause was just and noble, some who signed up because it was that or jail, some who simply wandered in to the recruiting office because they had no idea what else to do… the ones who marched off and came back in pieces, or missing pieces, or damaged emotionally beyond all salvation, or who came back functional but hiding the deep scars of conflict forever, or who served as filing clerks far from the front because that’s what they were told to do – these people I honor above almost all politicians and bureaucrats and war-makers.

And as for those “noble causes,” note that I said “*believing* that their cause was just and noble,” not necessarily that it is. Hired gun or no, cannon fodder or no, noble cause or miserable one, I honor all who serve, and always shall.

In the meantime, I will do what I can with voice, votes, and any other means to build a world where their service is no longer needed.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

WordPress users, please use strong passwords

Posted on July 3, 2017 by The Old Wolf

Just got phishing spam from bad guys pretending to the Bank of Ireland. Here’s the email:

Bank of Ireland Phishing

If you are fooled into clicking the link, you are redirected to:

http://personalbanking.bankofireland.obfusticated.com/ie/ie/authentication.html?e1s1

The “obfusticated” prevents anyone from actually going to the bad site, and protects the wordpress user whose website (“obfusticated.com”) has been compromised. For what it’s worth, I’ve done my best to warn the individual involved that there is a problem at their website.

The gateway page is below. It looks very official, but don’t let that fool you. It’s a fake.

Bank of Ireland Phishing 2

Then you get to give the criminals your login PIN:

Bank of Ireland Phishing 3

The malicious code appears to fail the first time and makes you re-enter the data. It doesn’t matter what you put in the second time, you’ll advance to the next page:

Bank of Ireland Phishing 4

Please be aware: BANKS WILL NEVER DO THIS. NEVER GIVE OUT SENSITIVE INFORMATION BY EMAIL OR ON THE WEB.

Next you are asked to hand the criminals your credit card password.

Bank of Ireland Phishing 5

Once they have your data – or in my case, a whole raft of obscenities – you are redirected to the real Bank of Ireland website.

If you have a WordPress blog (or any other website) please make sure you are using strong passwords. If bad guys get in, they can park malicious code in your web space and direct their victims there, not to mention steal whatever valuable data is there.

Never give out sensitive financial information over the web. If you suspect your accounts have truly been compromised or locked, call your bank directly and ask for verification.

Be careful out there.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Phishing is still very much a thing. Please be careful.

Posted on June 26, 2017 by The Old Wolf

This showed up in a business email account yesterday. Please note, I don’t have an acccount with US Bank, and the “To:” field has an address that is not mine. (click the image to enlarge)

When you click on the “Login Here” link, if you’re silly enough to do so, this is what you get:

fraud 1

Biggest red flag: the web page you just got redirected to is not usbank.com but rather “http://judybruce.com/obfusticated/usbank.secure.account/” (Judy Bruce is an author, and for some reason her web page has been compromised by malefactors. I have done my best to notify her so she can get this infestation cleaned out.)

Followed by a request for your password:

Fraud 2

But wait, there’s more!

Fraud4

Really, people? You’re just going to give out your sensitive financial information to some random mailer on the internet?

But hey, if you’re going to do that, you might as well give the crooks access to your email account as well:

Fraud 3 Fraud 5

Please be careful out there. A bank will never ask you to provide sensitive information of this nature via email or on the web. If you have doubts or questions, contact your financial institution directly before providing any information.

Please protect yourselves and your vulnerable loved ones.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Weight-loss fraud – still a multibillion dollar industry

Posted on June 24, 2017 by The Old Wolf

With all the good food to eat in the world, compounded by reality shows about celebrity chefs and such things, it’s easy as pie to gain weight. (I see what I did there.) But getting it off is another matter.

Which is why the weight loss industry, including its concomitant multilevel marketing products, homeopathic remedies, and outright fraudulent garbage, is big business. Despite FTC actions trying to shut down fraudulent operators, everyone wants a slice of that pie, and in the wild-west environment of the Internet, it’s not hard to wet one’s beak.

I’ve written about fraudulent health products before, and I’m not likely to stop – as long as the scumbags are out there trying to get your money. People still want to lose weight, people are still looking for that “magic bullet” that will allow them to drop 8 dress sizes before their next reunion without any effort – like eating less food and exercising more – and the Internet is the perfect place for affiliate marketing cockroaches to lay their deceptive eggs.

Case in point – today, an ad seen on my mobile phone where I don’t have ad-blocking technology installed, otherwise I’d be very unlikely to see things like this at all:

Garcinia 5

I went down the rabbit hole just to see who was offering what, and how the scam was presented:

Garcinia 0

One Google search later and I had come up with a Snopes article from April 2017 relating to the same “report,” which never appeared on CNN and which was full of false and misleading claims.

Garbage like this is peddled by affiliate marketers, who will say anything and do anything to get your money and keep it. So clicking on that little ad took me to a page with one of those automatically-generated alphabet-soup URLs: http://purelytwinsblog.com/fitness/indexgg.php?gclid=CJ-Zl8qt19QCFQuSaQodmWUKsg, full of another whole raft of lies, misinformation and general bull pucky. The “limited time” info is, of course, today’s date. Hurry, supplies are limited [scarcity principle working there, folks.]

Garcinia1

If you want a free sample, you get taken to one of any number of affiliate web sites, one of which is seen below:

Garcinia 2.jp

Look how many “other people” are looking at this page right now! You may lose out! Hurry!

And here’s where you pay your slight fee for shipping, conveniently discounted.

Garcinia 4

Simple, right? but at the bottom of that page is a link that says “Terms,” and by all that’s holy you had better read every word (I’ve replicated the entire agreement at the end of this entry, just for your reference. This document kept an attorney busy for quite a while.

Points of interest:

Additionally, you will be automatically enrolled in our auto-shipment and auto-billing program which charges you for a 1 month supply every 30 days starting 30 days after your trial period ends at the low price of $94.19 per month. Thus, if you do not cancel your subscription, you will be billed $94.19 for your original product 14 days after the original order date, and then billed again $94.19 for a new shipment of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia 44 days after your original purchase date. You will be automatically billed and shipped a new product every 30 days until you cancel your subscription. [That’s one hell of an expensive “free trial.”BY PROCEEDING WITH THIS PURCHASE, I UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT THIS CONSUMER TRANSACTION INVOLVES A NEGATIVE OPTION, AND THAT I MAY BE LIABLE FOR PAYMENT OF FUTURE GOODS AND SERVICES UNDER THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT FOR $94.19 PER MONTH IF I FAIL TO NOTIFY THE SUPPLIER NOT TO SUPPLY THE GOODS OR SERVICES DESCRIBED.
These “negative option” agreements are sleazy and unethical in my book. You should stay away from any company that tries to rope you in to one. A lot of people will not read these terms and conditions, and as a result may never get their money back, but if they click the “rush my sample” button, or whatever it says, they are certifying that they have done so.
It will be very difficult for you to get a refund, and the “customer service agents” are very well-trained at deflecting requests for refunds.
You cannot sue for damages – you agree to binding arbitration.
You may not join a class-action suit against these people.

Be very, very careful out there. A huge percentage of ads you see on the Internet lead to websites just like this one, full of outright lies and deception. There’s only one way to lose weight, and that’s with a caloric deficit [eat less food and exercise more]. You should not be losing more than 1-2 pounds per week for a healthy weight release. There is no magic bullet or miracle pill, or substance, or liquid, or gel, or wrap, or anything. There’s just not.

The Old Wolf has Spoken.

Full Terms and Conditions Text

Terms and Conditions and Refund Policy

TERMS & CONDITIONS

LAST UPDATED: January 19, 2016

Contact Details

Contact customer service for any reason at 1-888-564-3218. Customer service is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with the exception of all major holidays.

Member User Agreement

You must read and agree to these Terms and Conditions before placing Your order for the 14 day Trial Offer of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia. By placing Your order for the 14 day Trial Offer of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia You agree to be bound by the following Terms and Conditions:

ATTENTION: This is a binding agreement between You, the person or entity agreeing to the terms contained in this document (I, You, Your or Customer), and Novel Health LLC, the makers of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia, and the owner and administrator of this Website and all content and functionality contained herein (Our, Us, or Company) (collectively, the Parties or We). These terms and conditions, as well as any additional terms, conditions and covenants referenced in or made available by hyperlink in this document (collectively, these Terms, Terms of Use or this Agreement), govern Your use of and access to this Website and any and all of its sub-pages (collectively, the Website).

ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS OF USE: By using, visiting, or browsing the Website, as well as placing an order with Novel Health, LLC through the Website or customer service center, You accept, without limitation or qualification, these Terms of Use and agree, without limitation, to the terms of Our Privacy Statement. If You do not agree to be bound by these Terms of Use and Privacy Statement, You should exit the Website immediately. By accessing, using or ordering products through the Website, You affirm that You have read this Agreement and understand, agree, and consent to all Terms contained herein.

These Terms of Use constitute the entire agreement between Novel Health, LLC and You, and supersedes all prior or contemporaneous agreements, representations, warranties, and understandings with respect to the Website, the content, products, or services provided by or through the Website, and the subject matter of these Terms of Use. This Agreement is intended to be governed by the Electronic Signatures in Global and National Commerce Act. You manifest Your agreement to the Terms in this document by any act demonstrating Your assent thereto, including clicking any button containing the words I Agree; Rush My Order; Submit or similar syntax, or by merely accessing the Website, whether You have read these terms or not. It is suggested that You print this form for Your personal records.

You further agree not to use or access the Website if doing so would violate the laws of Your state, province or country. At the bottom of this page appears a last modified date. If the last modified date remains unchanged, then You may presume that no changes have been made since the last modified date. A changed last modified dates indicates that this document has been updated or edited, and the updated or edited version supersedes any prior versions immediately upon posting.

Product Disclaimer: I understand the statements regarding these products have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

I understand the information on this Web site or in emails is designed for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care.

I understand I should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting my doctor. I also understand that Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia is not intended or to be used to treat any type of medical condition.

WARNING: Not intended for use by persons under 18 years of age. Consult a physician before using this product if You have any medical condition including, but not limited to, strokes, high blood pressure, heart, liver, kidney or thyroid disease, diabetes, anemia, depression, anxiety, other psychiatric conditions, a family history of these or other medical conditions, or if taking any prescription, OTC and/or other herbal medications.

“Purchase Option” Specific Terms and Conditions:

Please note that we offer our customers two different options for purchasing our products.

Option #1 is a one-time purchase option whereby you would pay a one time charge for a specific amount of product. You would be charged immediately for your purchase and your product would be shipped within 24 hours. Additionally; you would never receive any future shipments from us, nor be charged ever again unless you contact us to place another order.

Option #2 is a 14 Day Trial Offer purchase option whereby you would pay a small shipping and handling fee immediately for a full 1 month supply. The 14 Day trial offer allows you to defer payment of the product for 14 days while you try the product, and is followed by future shipments and charges for additional products until you cancel your subscription.

In depth details of these 2 options are provided below.

Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia One-Time Purchase Terms and Conditions:

Please take a few minutes to read the following, as by concluding your One-Time Purchase of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia you automatically accept the following terms and conditions.

We are confident you will see the benefits of using our Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Product. You are taking the next step toward a more fit & healthy you!

Upon concluding your purchase, the credit card you provide will be charged a One-time fee equivalent to the price as quoted related to the package you select. You will always be quoted a complete price inclusive of the product, shipping & handling — and this is the charge that will appear on your credit card. You will only ever be charged the quoted purchase price this one time, and you will never receive any future product or charges from us.

If you feel Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia is not for you for any reason, simply call us within 30 days from the order date to make arrangements for the return the product and our customer service team will provide you with an RMA number and instructions. Please note that bottles must be unopened with the product safety seal intact in order to receive a full refund. Also, please note that there may be a restocking fee as detailed below in the “Refund Policy” section that is applicable for all returns.

Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia 14 day Trial Offer Terms and Conditions:

Please take a few minutes to read the following, as by concluding your purchase of the Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Trial Offer you automatically accept the following terms and conditions. Please note that this is NOT a risk-free trial offer, since you will be charged for Shipping & Handling at the time of purchase, and may be charged a retention fee of $9.95 if you decide to cancel within the trial period and not return the product.

Upon signing up for your trial offer, the credit card you provide will be charged a Shipping & Handling fee of $4.97 and you will be shipped a 1 month supply of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia. If you contact customer service to terminate your trial within 14 days of the date that you enroll in the Program, you will have the option of either returning the remaining balance of unused product and pay no fee, or keep the remaining unused product and pay a $9.95 retention fee. Either way, you will receive no further shipments and will not be billed again.

If you do not cancel your trial within the 14 day trial period, you will be billed $94.19 for the product. Additionally, you will be automatically enrolled in our auto-shipment and auto-billing program which charges you for a 1 month supply every 30 days starting 30 days after your trial period ends at the low price of $94.19 per month. Thus, if you do not cancel your subscription, you will be billed $94.19 for your original product 14 days after the original order date, and then billed again $94.19 for a new shipment of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia 44 days after your original purchase date. You will be automatically billed and shipped a new product every 30 days until you cancel your subscription. As a bonus for remaining in the auto-shipment and auto-billing program, all shipping and handling fees will be waived and you will only pay the product price of $94.19 per month.

If you feel Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia is not for you, call us at 1-888-564-3218 to cancel within 14 days from the order date to avoid the purchase price of $94.19 and enrollment in the auto-shipment and auto-billing program, which charges you for a 1 month supply every 30 days starting 30 days after your trial period ends, at the low price of $94.19 per month.

PLEASE NOTE:

There is no obligation to continue in any of our programs, and you can cancel at any time by simply contacting a Customer Service Representative at 1-888-564-3218. Your enrollment date is the date that you submit your order for the trial of the product. Orders are shipped within 24 hours Mon.- Saturday, excluding Sundays and USPS holidays in which case your order will be shipped the morning of the next business day. Orders are shipped via USPS First Class Mail with tracking, and actual delivery time of your order will vary by region.

You can cancel your membership in our auto-shipment program and avoid further Monthly Charges at any time by contacting customer service at 1-888-564-3218. Customer service is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with the exception of all major holidays.

Please note results may vary, but with continuous use of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia, we are confident you will see the results you are trying to achieve.

By proceeding with your purchase, you acknowledge and agree that Novel Health, LLC will not obtain additional authorization from you for each future installment of the $94.19 auto-ship program that will be charged to the credit card you provided initially. You agree that as part of the auto-shipment program, Novel Health will ship a new supply every month, and you will be responsible for returning any unused and unopened product in order to receive a refund. In addition, you do not hold Novel Health, LLC responsible for any overdraft charges or fees which you might incur during the ongoing auto-ship program Membership.

All fees are payable in United States currency. For so long as your Membership is active, you will be billed, and you will be required to pay, all applicable charges. Failure to use the Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Products does not constitute a basis for refusing to pay any of the associated charges. Subject to the conditions set forth herein, you agree to be bound by the Billing Provisions of Novel Health, LLC in effect at any given time. Upon reasonable prior written notice to you (with e-mail sufficing), Novel Health, LLC reserves the right to change its Billing Provisions whenever necessary, in its sole discretion. Continued use of the Site and/or receipt of the Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Products after receipt of such notice shall constitute consent to any and all such changes; provided, however, that any amendment or modification to the Billing Provisions shall not apply to any charges incurred prior to the applicable amendment or modification.

Novel Health, LLC authorization to provide and bill for the Novel Health, LLC Products is obtained by way of your electronic signature or, where applicable, via physical signature and/or voice affirmation. Once an electronic signature is submitted, this electronic order constitutes an electronic letter of agency. Novel Health, LLCs’ reliance upon your electronic signature was specifically sanctioned and written into law when the Uniform Electronic Transactions Act and the Electronic Signatures in Global and National Transactions Act were enacted in 1999 and 2000, respectively. Both laws specifically preempt all state laws that recognize only paper and handwritten signatures. Where you fail to make any auto-ship program payments, such overdue amounts will be subject to your account being deactivated, in which case no further product will be shipped to you and access to the Membership site will be denied, for non-payment.

Shipping Terms

Upon confirming your order you will be shipped one jar of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia. Orders are shipped within 24 hours (Monday through Saturday) using our standard USPS First Class shipping method and delivery generally takes as little as 2 to 4 days depending on your geographic location. Please be advised that shipments are not sent on Sundays or any USPS Holidays. Novel Health, LLC does not guarantee specific arrival dates or times.

PLEASE CONTACT CUSTOMER CARE AT 1-888-564-3218 FOR SHIPMENTS NOT RECEIVED WITHIN 5 DAYS. REFUNDS WILL NOT BE ISSUED FOR SHIPMENTS CLAIMED AS UNDELIVERED IF NOT REPORTED WITHIN 14 DAYS. When an incorrect or invalid shipping address is provided at time of order, and Safe Secure Ship has not been purchased, the reshipment will be subject to the retail shipping and handling charge of $12.95(USD).

Contacting Customer Service: You may contact our customer care department at 1-888-564-3218. Customer service is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with the exception of all major holidays.

IMPORTANT…

1) Please do not return any product to us without first obtaining an RMA number from customer service.

2) If you do not receive your shipment within 5 working days from the date you placed your order, please contact us immediately so we can address the situation appropriately.

Return Address:

Ultra-Premium Garcinia Returns
120 East 8th Street, #301
Los Angeles, CA 90014
USA

Refund Policy

If cancelling before the end of the trial, you must either return balance of product or pay retention fee of $9.95 per product to keep the products and cancel your trial. No retention/restocking fee is charged if product is cancelled and an RMA is issued during trial the period. Please note: In order to avoid the retention fee, the trial must be cancelled and an RMA issued before the end of the trial period. The product then needs to be returned within 30 days of issuing the RMA to avoid the retention fee. For Unopened Non-Trial products (either subscription or straight sale), you can return products for 30 days after purchase date, with a $9.95 restocking fee. Product must be unopened to be returned.

Return Address : Ultra-Premium Garcinia, 120 East 8 th St. #301, Los Angeles, CA 90014

Phone: 888-564-3218

PLEASE NOTE:

1. We refund all cases of fraud and unauthorized transactions inclusive of all shipping and handling charges. Additional refunds are issued at the discretion of the company. Please contact directly at 1-888-564-3218 if you suspect any fraud or unauthorized transactions may have taken place.

2. We reserve the right to replace any damaged products in lieu of refunding them at the discretion of the company.

3. In instances where a refund is warranted and agreed to by the company, customers are restricted to receiving a single refund per product ordered. Multiple refunds for purchases processed in multiple months are not permitted – i.e. We will only consider refunding the most recent months transaction and never multiple past months.

4. We reserve the right to refuse a refund to any customer who repeatedly requests refunds or who, in our judgment, requests refunds in bad faith.

5. In order to request a refund, you must contact Our Customer Service Department at 1-888-564-3218. IN ORDER TO PROCESS A REFUND, ALL RETURNS MUST BE PRE-APPROVED AND ASSIGNED A RETURN MERCHANDISE AUTHORIZATION (RMA) NUMBER. If a refund is warranted, you will be provided with an RMA number and instructions on how to proceed.

6. Once an RMA notice has been issued to you, you will automatically receive an RMA email confirmation and authorization.

7. In order for your refund to be processed, you must include your RMA number in your return package in large and legible print. All returns outside of the trial period are subject to a $9.95 restocking fee.

8. Products must be unopened with the safety seal intact in order to receive a full refund, less the $9.95 restocking fee.

9. We must receive the remaining product back to our fulfillment facility in good condition, and once it is received and the RMA number logged into our systems, a refund will automatically be processed and you will receive an email confirmation that your refund has been processed. Please note that refunds are issued immediately upon processing your return, however, depending on the bank that issued the credit card a refund can take up to thirty (30) days to appear on your credit card statement.

10. Shipping and handling costs are not refundable with the exception of fraud or unauthorized charges.

11. A $9.95 restocking fee is applicable for all returned orders outside of the trial period.

12. You are responsible for any costs incurred to package and safely return the product to our fulfillment facility.

TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR A REFUND, THE ITEM MUST MEET ALL OF THE FOLLOWING CRITERIA:

Product must be unopened and unused with safety seal intact.

Customer has 30 days from the time of purchase to obtain an RMA number for unopened and unused product. After 30 days, the purchase is final and no returns are accepted.

Limit one (1) return per product, per household.

Return can only be made on most current product billing cycle NO EXCEPTIONS.

Return product must be returned to us within thirty (30) days for US orders and (45) days for International orders of the assigned Return Merchandise Authorization (RMA) number.

Customer is responsible for all return shipping costs.

Reversals and Chargebacks

We consider chargebacks and reversals as potential cases of fraudulent use of our services and/or theft of services and as such will be treated. We reserve the right of filing a complaint with the appropriate local and federal authorities to investigate. Be advised that all activity and IP address information is being monitored and that this information may be used in a civil and/or criminal case(s) against a client if there is fraudulent use and or theft of services. IN THE EVENT THAT A REVERSAL OR CHARGEBACK CLAIM IS FILED WITH THE CARDHOLDER™S BANK, REFUND REQUESTS WILL BE DENIED BY OUR RISK MANAGEMENT DEPARTMENT TO PREVENT FRAUDULENT ACTIVITY ATTEMPTING TO OBTAIN MULTIPLE REFUNDS.

Credit Card Declines

In the event a credit card transaction declines, after product has been shipped or received, and you have not exercised your cancellation rights per the terms and conditions, we reserve the right to reprocess the transaction in full. This includes the right to resubmit the charge on or about every seven (7) days from the original declined transaction date and up to three (3) additional attempts thereafter. In the event of subsequent credit card declines, you authorize us to resubmit a reduced amount from one-half (1/2) or one-third (1/3) of the full purchase price until the full amount is obtained.

Contact Customer Care at 1-888-564-3218 if you have additional questions regarding credit card declines.

Damaged or Incorrect items

In the event that your order arrives damaged, or you receive the wrong item, please call our Customer Service Department at 1-888-564-3218 within 48 hours.

We ask that you do not dispose of any damaged products until you contact the Customer Service Department for instructions, as we may require the return of the damaged goods.

In the event of a damaged order, we will ship a replacement order promptly.

If you have ordered incorrectly, we will ship the correct item once we have received the return of the incorrect product.

All damaged orders must be reported within ten (10) business days of delivery.

Damaged orders not reported within ten (10) business days of delivery confirmation cannot be adjusted or credited.

NEGATIVE OPTION CLAUSE

BY PROCEEDING WITH THIS PURCHASE, I UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT THIS CONSUMER TRANSACTION INVOLVES A NEGATIVE OPTION, AND THAT I MAY BE LIABLE FOR PAYMENT OF FUTURE GOODS AND SERVICES UNDER THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT FOR $94.19 PER MONTH IF I FAIL TO NOTIFY THE SUPPLIER NOT TO SUPPLY THE GOODS OR SERVICES DESCRIBED.

LIMITATION OF LIABILITY AND DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY

THE MATERIALS AND PRODUCTS CONTAINED AND OFFERED ON THE WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED AS IS AND WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED. TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMISSIBLE PURSUANT TO APPLICABLE LAW, NOVEL HEALTH LLC DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR OTHER VIOLATIONS OF RIGHTS. IN NO EVENT SHALL NOVEL HEALTH LLC OR ITS OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, SHAREHOLDERS, EMPLOYEES, INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS, TELECOMMUNICATIONS PROVIDERS, AND AGENTS BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, SPECIAL, INCIDENTAL, EXEMPLARY, CONSEQUENTIAL, OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES,UNDER ANY CAUSE OF ACTION WHATSOEVER INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, CONTRACT, TORT, STRICT LIABILITY, WARRANTY, OTHERWISE, FOR ANY CLAIM CAUSE OF ACTION, FEE, EXPENSE, COST, OR LOSS (COLLECIVELY, CLAIMS) ARISING FROM OR RELATED TO THIS AGREEMENT, THE PRIVACY STATEMENT, THE PRODUCTS, OR THE CUSTOMER™S USE OF THE WEBSITE OR ANY PRODUCT. NOVEL HEALTH LLC ASSUMES NO LIABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ERRORS OR OMISSIONS IN THE CONTENT OF THE WEBSITE, THAT DEFECTS WILL BE CORRECTED, OR THAT ANY Novel Health, LLC WEBSITE OR THE SERVERS THAT MAKE SUCH MATERIALS AVAILABLE ARE FREE OF VIRUSES OR OTHER HARMFUL COMPONENTS; NOVEL HEALTH LLC FURTHER ASSUMES NO LIABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY FAILURES, DELAYS,MALFUNCTIONS, OR INTERRUPTIONS IN THE DELIVERY OF ANY CONTENT CONTAINED ON THE WEBSITE; ANY LOSSES OR DAMAGES ARISING FROM THE USE OF THE CONTENT PROVIDED ON THE WEBSITE; OR ANY CONDUCT BY USERS OF THE WEBSITE, EITHER ONLINE OR OFFLINE. NOVEL HEALTH LLC DOES NOT WARRANT OR MAKE ANY REPRESENTATIONS REGARDING THE USE OR THE RESULTS OF THE USE OF THE MATERIALS ON ANY NOVEL HEALTH LLC WEBSITE IN TERMS OF THEIR CORRECTNESS, ACCURACY, RELIABILITY, OR OTHERWISE. YOU ASSUME THE ENTIRE COST OF ALL NECESSARY SERVICING, REPAIR, OR CORRECTION.

You agree that Novel Health, LLCs’ entire liability for all CLAIMS shall be limited, in the aggregate, to the lesser of (i) USD $500.00, or (ii) the total amount of money You paid to Novel Health, LLC in the one (1) month period immediately preceding the incident on which Your alleged claim is based. This limitation of liability shall apply for all CLAIMS, regardless of whether Novel Health, LLC was aware of or advised in advance of the possibility of damages or such CLAIMS. You understand that this is a significant limitation on your right to sue Company and you should not proceed if you do not agree. The warranties and representations specifically set forth in this agreement are the only warranties and representations with respect to this Agreement, and are in lieu of any and all other warranties, written or oral, express or implied, that may arise either by agreement between the parties hereto or by operation of law, including warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose. None of these warranties and representations will extend to any third person. Some jurisdictions do not allow the exclusion of certain warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to You.

CONSENT TO RECEIVE EMAILS FROM US

If you sign up via any of our opt-in forms, or make a purchase from any of our websites, we will send you emails anywhere from one to three times a week. These emails can be comprised of order confirmation, shipping confirmation, announcement type emails &/or our newsletter and informational emails that we send out regularly. Typically in our emails you will find relevant information that is related to the purchase you made with us, and the newest tips, tricks, and information related to the products you have purchased. Please remember that if you no longer wish to hear from us, you can simply unsubscribe at any time using the link in the footer of any email that we send you.

REPRESENTATIONS; PRODUCT DISCLAIMERS

Novel Health, LLC is committed to improving the well-being of our customers by providing safe and effective wellness products made with the highest quality ingredients. You understand, however, that Our Products have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration, and Our Products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. The information on this Website or in emails is designed for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care.

You understand that You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting Your doctor or physician. You further understand that this Product is not intended for use by persons under 18 years of age. You also understand that the Product is not intended or to be used to treat any type of medical condition such as obesity. You agree that You either have consulted, or will consult, with a physician or doctor before using any of Our Products, particularly if You suffer from any medical condition including, but not limited to, strokes, high blood pressure, heart, liver, kidney or thyroid disease, diabetes, anemia, depression, anxiety, other psychiatric conditions, a family history of these or other medical conditions, or if taking any prescription, OTC and/or other herbal medications, and You agree that you will cease immediately from taking or using Our Products if You experience any ill effects or unintended side effects of any Product. Novel Health, LLC endeavors to provide You with accurate information about Our Products. You understand and agree that the information Novel Health, LLC conveys about or Products and/or the efficacy of Our Products, is obtained from independent third parties such as news agencies, scientific reports, and scientific / research entities (Third Parties). Novel Health, LLC does not warrant or represent that such information is error-free, and Novel Health, LLC does not represent or endorse any Third Parties or the methods that they use to arrive at their conclusions. All Product specifications, performance data, and other information on the Website is for informational and illustrative purposes only, and do not constitute a guarantee or representation that the Products will conform to such specifications or performance data.

Novel Health, LLC does not warrant or represent that Our Products will provide You with any particular benefits, or that Your results will match those of others who consume Our Products. Individual results will vary from person to person, and are dependent on a variety of factors.

By using the Website, You agree to comply with all applicable laws and regulations of the United States. The material provided on the Website is protected by law including, but not limited to, United States copyright and trademark law and international treaties. Novel Health, LLC makes no representation that materials contained in the Website are appropriate or available for use in other locations and access to them from territories where their contents are illegal is prohibited. Those who choose to access the Website from other locations outside the United States do so at their own initiative and are responsible for compliance with applicable local laws.

YOUR REPRESENTATIONS

You hereby represent and warrant that You are age eighteen (18) or older, that You have read this Agreement and thoroughly understand the terms contained in this Agreement, that any Products You purchase from the Website will be used for Your personal, non-commercial use, and that You will not re-sell, re-distribute or export any Product that You order from the Website. You further represent that Novel Health, LLC has the right to rely upon all information provided to Novel Health, LLC by You, and Novel Health, LLC may contact You by email, telephone or postal mail for any purpose, including but not limited to (i) follow-up calls, (ii) customer satisfaction surveys, and (iii) inquiries about any orders You placed, or considered placing, at or through the Website.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

The Website and all of its contents including, but not limited to, articles, other text, photographs, illustrations, graphics, product names, designs, logos, and the collection, arrangement, and assembly of all content (collectively, the Intellectual Property) are protected by copyright, trademark, and other laws of the United States, as well as international conventions and the laws of other countries. The Intellectual Property is the exclusive property of Novel Health, LLC or its licensors. No license or ownership rights in or to any of the Intellectual Property are conveyed to You by virtue of this Agreement or by Your purchase of any Product from the Website. The Intellectual Property is protected by the copyright and trademark laws of the United States. Unless otherwise permitted by law, none of the Intellectual Property may be reproduced by You without Novel Health, LLCs prior written permission.

WEBSITE USER CONDUCT AND RESTRICTIONS

You must be 18 years of age or older to access Our Website. As a user of the Website, You agree that in connection with Your use of the Website and the content You will not:

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortuous, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, pornographic, libelous, invasive of anyones privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically, or otherwise objectionable;

– Conduct Yourself in an inappropriate, offensive, indecent, or vulgar manner while using Our service or Website;

– Use the Website for any unlawful purpose;

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any content that You do not have a right to transmit under any law or under contractual or fiduciary relationships (such as inside information, proprietary, and confidential information learned or disclosed as part of employment relationships or under non-disclosure agreements);

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any content that infringes any patent, trademark, trade secret, copyright, or other intellectual property right of any party;

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any unsolicited or unauthorized advertising, promotional materials, junk mail, spam, chain letters, pyramid schemes, or any other form of solicitation;

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any material that contains software viruses or any other computer code, files, or programs designed to interrupt, destroy, or limit the functionality of any computer software or hardware or telecommunications equipment;

– Interfere with or disrupt the Website, the services, the content or servers or networks connected to the Website, the services or the content, or disobey any requirements, procedures, policies, or regulations of networks connected to the Website, the services, and/or the content, the terms of which are incorporated herein;

– Intentionally or unintentionally violate any applicable local, state, national, or international law.

Without the express prior written authorization of Novel Health, LLC, You may not:

– Duplicate the Website (except as expressly provided elsewhere in this Agreement or as permitted by law);

– Create derivative works based on the Website or any of the Intellectual Property;

– Remove any copyright or other proprietary notices from the Website or any of the Intellectual Property contained therein;

– Frame or utilize any framing techniques in connection with the Website or any of the Intellectual Property;

– Use any meta-tags or any other hidden text using the Website™s name or marks;

– Deep-link to any page of the Website;

– Circumvent any encryption or other security tools used anywhere on the Website (including the theft of user names and passwords or using another persons user name and password in order to gain access to a restricted area of the Website);

– Use any data mining, bots, or similar data gathering and extraction tools on the Website;

– Use any device, software or routine to bypass any operational element or to interfere, or attempt to interfere, with the proper working of the Website, server or activities conducted therein; or,

– Take any action that imposes an unreasonable or disproportionately large load on the Website or its network infrastructure.

TERMINATION OF AGREEMENT

This Agreement shall remain in force as long as You access the Website, use any functions or features of the Website, or order anything from the Website. Novel Health, LLC reserves the right to terminate this Agreement without notice and/or refuse to sell to anyone who Novel Health, LLC believes, in Our sole discretion, (i) has violated any of the terms of this Agreement, (ii) is abusing the Products or the services Novel Health, LLC provides, or (iii) is unable to provide Us with sufficient information to allow Us to properly identify the customer’s real name, address, or other contact information.

LINKS

The Website may provide links to other World Wide Web sites or resources. Novel Health, LLC has not reviewed these websites and is not responsible for the accuracy, content, privacy policies or availability of information found on websites that link to or from any Novel Health, LLC Website. Novel Health, LLC cannot ensure that You will be satisfied with any products or services that You purchase from a third-party site that links to or from any Novel Health, LLC Website or third-party content on our sites. Novel Health, LLC does not endorse any of the merchandise, nor has Novel Health, LLC taken any steps to confirm the accuracy or reliability of any of the information contained in such third-party sites or content. Novel Health, LLC does not make any representations or warranties as to the security of any information (including, without limitation, credit card and other personal information) You might be requested to give any third party, and You hereby irrevocably waive any claim against Novel Health, LLC with respect to such sites and third-party content. Novel Health, LLC strongly encourages You to make whatever investigation You feel necessary or appropriate before proceeding with any online or offline transaction with any of these third parties. Neither Novel Health, LLC nor its affiliates, officers, directors, shareholders, employees, independent contractors, telecommunications providers, or agents shall be liable for any damages, including but not limited to direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, or punitive damages arising out of your use of third-party material or third-party sites that are linked to this Website. No link to the Website may be framed to the extent that such frame contains any sponsorship, advertising, or other commercial text or graphics. All links to the Website must be to www. http://www.upgarcinia.com. Deep linking to internal pages of this Website is expressly prohibited without prior written consent from Novel Health, LLC.

FORCE MAJEURE

Novel Health, LLC shall not be responsible for any failure to perform due to unforeseen circumstances or to causes beyond Our reasonable control, including but not limited to: acts of God, such as fire, flood, earthquakes, hurricanes, tropical storms or other natural disasters; war, riot, arson, embargoes, acts of civil or military authority, or terrorism; strikes, or shortages in transportation, facilities, fuel, energy, labor or materials; failure of the telecommunications or information services infrastructure; hacking, SPAM, or any failure of a computer, server or software, for so long as such event continues to delay Novel Health, LLC™s performance.

INDEMNITY

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless Novel Health, LLC, its affiliates, officers, directors, shareholders, employees, independent contractors, telecommunications providers, and agents, from and against any and all claims, actions, loss, liabilities, expenses, costs, or demands, including, but not limited to, reasonable legal and accounting fees, which are not limited to Florida™s Statewide Uniform Guidelines For Taxation of Costs in Civil Actions, for all damages directly, indirectly, and/or consequentially resulting or allegedly resulting from Your use, misuse, or inability to use the Website, or Your breach of any of these terms and conditions of this Agreement. We shall promptly notify You by electronic mail of any such claim or suit, and cooperate fully (at Your expense) in the defense of such claim or suit. If we do not hear from You promptly, we reserve the right to defend such claim or suit and seek full recompense from You.

DISPUTE RESOLUTION BY BINDING ARBITRATION

We each agree to first contact each other with any disputes and provide a written description of the problem, all relevant documents/information, and the proposed resolution. You agree to contact Us with disputes by writing to Us at Novel Health, LLC, 1623 Central Ave, Suite 201, Cheyenne WY 82001, USA. We will contact You by letter to Your billing address You provided Us.

Instead Of Suing In Court, We Each Agree To Arbitrate Dispuetes

We each agree to finally settle all disputes (as defined and subject to any specific exceptions below) only by arbitration. In arbitration, there is no judge or jury and review is limited. However, just as a court would, the arbitrator must honor the terms and conditions in this Agreement, the Terms of Use, and the Privacy Statement, and can award the same damages and relief, including any attorney’s fees authorized by law. The arbitrator’s decision and award is final and binding, with some exceptions under the Federal Arbitration Act (FAA), and judgment on the award may be entered in any court with jurisdiction. We also each agree as follows:

Disputes are any claims (including the definition of claims contained in the section Limitation of Liability and Disclaimer of Warranty above) or controversies against each other related in any way to this Agreement, the Terms of Use, the Privacy Statement, or Your purchase and use of the Product. This includes claims You bring against Our affiliates, officers, directors, shareholders, employees, independent contractors, telecommunications providers, or agents or other representatives, or that Novel Health, LLC brings against You.

If either Novel Health, LLC or You wants to arbitrate a dispute, We each agree to send written notice to the other providing a description of the dispute, previous efforts to resolve the dispute, all supporting documents/information, and the proposed resolution. Notice to You will be sent to Your billing address that You provided Us and notice to Us will be sent to: Novel Health, LLC, 1623 Central Ave, Suite 201, Cheyenne, WY 82001, USA. We each agree to make attempts to resolve this dispute within forty-five (45) days of receipt of the notice to arbitrate, then We may submit the dispute to formal arbitration.

The FAA applies to this Agreement and arbitration provision. We each agree that the FAA™s provisions, not state law, govern all questions of whether a dispute is subject to arbitration.

The arbitration will be administered by the National Arbitration Forum (NAF) under its arbitration rules. If any NAF rule conflicts with the terms of this Agreement, the terms of this Agreement apply. You can obtain procedures, rules, and fee information from the NAF at 1-800-474-2371 or http://www.adrforum.com.

Unless We each agree otherwise, the Arbitration will be conducted by a single neutral arbitrator and will take place in the state of Your last billing address. The federal or state law that applies to the Agreement will also apply during the Arbitration.

We each agree not to pursue arbitration on a consolidated or classwide basis. We each agree that any arbitration will be solely between You and Novel Health, LLC (not brought on behalf of or together with another individual’s claim). If for any reason any court or arbitrator hold that this restriction in unconscionable or unenforceable, then this agreement to arbitrate does not apply and the dispute must be brought in court.

We each are responsible for our own costs relating to counsel, experts, and witnesses, as well as any other costs relating to the arbitration. However, Novel Health, LLC will cover any arbitration administrative or filing fee above: (a) $25 if You are seeking less than $1,000 from Novel Health, LLC; or (b) the equivalent court filing fees for a court action in the appropriate jurisdiction if you are seeking $1,000 or more from us.

No Class Actions
TO THE EXTENT ALLOWED BY LAW, WE EACH WAIVE ANY RIGHT TO PURSUE DISPUTES ON A CONSOLIDATED OR CLASSWIDE BASIS; THATIS, TO EITHER JOIN A CLAIM WITH THE CLAIM OF ANY OTHER PERSION OR ENTITY, OR ASSERT A CLAIM IN A REPRESENTATIVE CAPACITYON BEHALF OF ANYONE ELSE IN ANY LAWSUIT, ARBITRATION, OR OTHER PROCEEDING.

No Trial By Jury TO THE EXTENT ALLOWED BY LAW, WE EACH WAIVE ANY RIGHT TO TRIAL BY JURY IN ANY LAWSUIT, ARBITRATION, OR OTHERPROCEEDING.

GOVERNING LAW

You agree that this Agreement and any issue or dispute arising out of or otherwise related to this Agreement or with Your use of our Website, Intellectual Property, the Terms of Use, the Privacy Statement, or any matter concerning Novel Health, LLC shall be governed exclusively by the laws of the State of Wyoming, excluding its conflict of law provisions.

SEVERABILITY

If for any reason a court of competent jurisdiction finds any provision of this Agreement, the Terms of Use, the Privacy Statement, or any portion thereof, to be invalid or unenforceable, that provision will be enforced to the maximum extent permissible and the remainder of the Agreement, the Terms of Use, and the Privacy Statement will continue in full force and effect.

NO WAIVER

No waiver of or by Novel Health, LLC shall be deemed a waiver of any subsequent default of the same provision of this Agreement. If any term, clause or provision hereof is held invalid or unenforceable by a court of competent jurisdiction, such invalidity shall not affect the validity or operation of any other term, clause or provision and such invalid term, clause or provision shall be deemed to be severed from this Agreement.

HEADINGS

All headings are solely for the convenience of reference and shall not affect the meaning, construction or effect of this Agreement.

COMPLETE AGREEMENT

This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between the parties with respect to Your access and use of the Website and Your ordering and use of the Products, and supersedes and replaces all prior understandings or agreements, written or oral, regarding such subject matters.

MODIFICATIONS OF AGREEMENT

Novel Health, LLC reserves the right to change any of the provisions posted herein and You agree to review these terms and conditions each time You visit the Website. Your continued use of the Website following the posting of any changes to these terms and conditions constitutes Your acceptance of such changes. Novel Health, LLC does not and will not assume any obligation to provide You with notice of any change to this document. Unless accepted by Novel Health, LLC in writing, these terms and conditions may not be amended by You.

The Deseret Alphabet remembered

Posted on June 24, 2017 by The Old Wolf

I have written about the Deseret Alphabet before, in a somewhat unusual context – today I came across a nostalgic article at the Deseret News commemorating this bit of linguistic whimsy. It appears to have begun development as early as 1847, which would make it closer to 170 years old.

lark is up

The poem above, from the Deseret Second Book (page 31), reads as follows:

The lark is up to meet the sun,
The bee is on the wing;
The ant its labor has begun,
The woods with music ring.

And shall I sleep while beams of morn
Their light and glory shed?
For thinking beings were not born
To waste their time in bed.

Clearly the authors of these primers were not above a bit of plagiarism; the first stanza of this poem is by William Holmes McGuffey (1800–73)

The original second stanza reads,

Shall birds, and bees, and ants, be wise,
While I my moments waste?
O let me with the morning rise,
And to my duty haste.

McGuffey’s Eclectic Primer, newly rev., lesson 81, p. 54 (1849).

The transliteration of the Deseret Alphabet:

Deseret Alphabet

In the course of a study of Deseret as part of my MA in linguistics, I discovered that it had an added and unplanned benefit; reading the journals of Brigham Young, some of which had been transcribed into Deseret Alphabet during the days of enthusiasm for the project, I discovered that these manuscripts served as a window into the dialect and pronunciation of the scribes of the day. Since people transcribed the English they way they pronounced it, one could not only determine that various volumes were transcribed by different people, but also have a fair idea of what they sounded like when they spoke.

𐐜 𐐄𐐢𐐔 𐐚𐐃𐐢𐐙 𐐐𐐈𐐞 𐐝𐐑𐐄𐐗𐐤.

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The Deseret Alphabet remembered